AIBU to make DS save his birthday money, and how would you handle this?

[parentofteen]

DS had his birthday this weekend. He's in his early teens.

He got £500 in cash and £200 of vouchers.

Historically I have always made him save part of his birthday and Christmas money in his bank account for when he's older. He has about £1k saved in that account at present - he can't access it.

He doesn't want to save any of the money this time. I've tried to compromise and say he needs to put away a minimum of £100. He is refusing.

AIBU? If I'm not being U, how would you handle his refusal to give me the money to save for him? He has hidden all the money at present.

You need to give him back the responsibility to use the money sensibly. If you force him to save some in an account he can’t access, that’s effectively just taking it away from him. He’s not at an age where he’ll be thinking, ‘Oh good, that will be useful when I set up home and need a new sofa.’

Get him an account which helps him to budget so his money can be spread over the year for items he wants to buy. That’s a form of saving but one where he doesn’t lose sight of his money completely.

Make him feel he’s the one with control. It’s a lot of money for a young lad.

I’m guessing the OP’s son had very few presents and I doubt many would really register if he received a few toys and other gifts from each of his relatives; I certainly can’t imagine people would add up the royal. These same people have just given him money to buy his own gifts because they want him to be happy and presumably either don’t know him well enough to know what to get or know there are bigger things he wants money to put towards.

If I was giving a relative money then I would want them to buy themselves something they wanted at the time rather than waiting potentially decades.

The quality of my parenting is just fine @frenchSeal. He gets mostly gifts and a small amount of money for birthdays and Christmas and has chosen to save a small percentage of that.

This was after he received some rather large payments for some acting/modelling jobs, he will probably get more.

We sat and talked about what he wanted to do with the money and used the internet to show him how much things cost. I pay for plenty and will also ensure my children don't have student debts should they go to university.

Where we live has excellent public transport. He isn't going without in saving for driving lessons, he's learning about the real cost of things, which is extremely important when he has already earned several thousand pounds. Unless you think it should be spent on Lego and virtual gaming money 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think many posters have lost sight of the fact that the total value here was £700. Not £200 or similar. That’s quite different and I wouldn’t expect savings from £200. I would suggest a conversation does need to be had about future spending. Who’s buying and insuring a car for example? When will he want this? What about university and a job? What are his prospects? Jobs might be ultra hard to get if unemployment Sky rockets, as is predicted.

I’m not sure how long you have been saving £200 a month for him, but most students have at least £40,000 in loans for university. That’s without parental contributions. Higher loans if no contribution. So I think you do need to consider how his future will be funded now he’s 15 and what he wants his future to look like. What about holidays with mates when he’s older? Who’s paying for his phone upgrade?

He's got £200 to spend as he wishes (though why people give vouchers rather than cash remains a mystery to me) and the £500 should go in the bank until such time as he has good reason to spend some of it. It's not as if you're taking the money off him. More a case of squander now or spend wisely later.

I'm guessing I'd be thought of as a controlling parent as my DC have always put their birthday money in the bank, and my middle DC whilst on a year in industry from uni has been made to save most of the money he's earned (whilst having free board and lodgings for the year at home). Now they've reached young adulthood, my DC have recently (during the lockdown - their rainy day) been using their savings to buy a new racing bike and an Xbox, and in a previous life, go to festivals and to travel. They were also able to buy the expensive laptops they wanted when going to uni. The money was there, waiting to be used. No need to save especially.

Take out the loans for uni. Use the money you've saved for other expenses.

I think it's really important to let him spend it if he wants to. ESPECIALLY if he's going to fritter it away and will miss it later.

If he doesn't do it now, then he'll only do it later, once he has the opportunity. He needs to learn by experience. Would you rather he did so now, or when he's 18 at university, or 25?

Plus... it actually is his money. It was given to him.

Why not get him an account with a debit card with the agreement half the money goes there to spend on whatever he wants and the rest goes into savings. You feel he’s being responsible and he feels he has access to his money and he’s being trusted?

Hi op

Unless he already knows tell him the new ps5 is coming out soon and probably
A newer version of the Xbox

Moncler I think are rubbish

But he's not being deprived of his money if it's put into savings. Posters are making it sound like the OP is taking it off him.

@Hillarious

But it's not really his money if he can't access or use it. If I move money form your account to mine and tell you you can have it back at some point in the future, it's no longer your money- it has been stolen.

@FrenchSeal - it's going into his account. Of course it's still his money and hasn't been stolen by anyone.

I suspect if you stopped trying to take it off him he would be happy to have it sitting in an account until he finds something he wants.

It's an opportunity to talk to him about spending money sensibly. About things like 'price per wear' for clothes, how you make choices between items, shopping around for best value etc.

People are being harsh with you op, it must be the weather! My children don't have to save their birthday and Christmas money long term as they have saving accounts that their "pocket money" goes into. Their special occasion gift money is for treats through the year. My children keep the bulk of theirs in the safe until they go shopping with friends, see something they want, or need new tech. I think its best to guide but not dictate, and let them learn by their own mistakes.

If he is into the type of designer clothing that sells in Selfridges steer him towards Depop. My son has similar tastes and buys pre-used on there and generally wears it for a while and then resells and in fact in the past couple of years has made £1500 profit when reselling it!

Otherwise I would suggest that you compromise that he put it in to the bank but be allowed access to it so that he does make some mistakes while it doesn't matter.

I think that is a lot of money and children should not be allowed to waste it/ fritter it.

As parents we have some responsibility on what they do whilst they still live at home.

I would make them save it or put in to something like premium bonds and they can spend the vouchers but I think our relatives would be quite upset if I just let the children wasted the money they have given them but they would be happy to see that it goes towards something else like a bike or my son used birthday money towards climbing sessions

I think the biggest problem is that the savings account he couldn't access if there was something he really wanted
I think having an instant access savings account in his name that he can save into will help the situation. Most banks offer them from age 7.
Then he knows he can access his money if he really wants something but hopefully won't squander it as much as he would have to go to bank to access if

Yes, 'his' account that he doesn't have access to @Hillarious !

I suppose it'd be alright then Ifigenia empty your bank account and out the money in an account I've set up on your name. You won't have any access to it of course. Oh and I might let you have some of it and some point in the future. But only if you ask nicely. And I approve of what you want to spend it on.

OP, you are not teaching him anything about saving by taking his money and putting it in an account that he can't access.

Not only is it no longer his money, but he can't use it to save up for things he might want in the future because you've decided he has to use it for things far in the future that he may not even want or need.

@FrenchSeal. You're hilarious! That's the whole point about saving money - saving it until you need it. And access is restricted/controlled. I've done it with my kids because we don't have money to fritter away.

@Heartofglass12345 I didn't question it as it was all I'd ever known and my cousins were all treated in the same way (5 cousins, all on the same side of the family). I guess the fact that my mum and 3 of her siblings were bank clerks might have influenced their attitude to saving!

@TheOrigBrave I understood my parents' intentions. It was occasionally annoying, but I was able to save my pocket money (or wages from when I was 15 onwards). I worked over 30 hours a week throughout uni and was generally quite frugal. I can afford to spend now, if I want to, but don't splash out often. My siblings both feel the same way.

Wow. Lucky him

What does he want to spend it on ?

If a large sum of money I would say save half and Other half spend half so 1/4 on something decent he wants and other 1/4 tat - mags sweets or whatever

Obv can spend the vouchers

I've got a spender & a saver. Against my better judgement, I let the spender, spend all of his money on 1 pair of designer trainers at £175. I explained the consequences of his feet growing quickly or wrecking them & let him buy them. He has wanted countless items since & has had to go without as he had no money left.

He's just had another birthday & spent £15 on a new headset & has saved the rest. That's a win for me.

I don't make them save into an account for adult stuff but do expect if they want expensive trainers that they contribute to them if more than I would consider reasonable.

I don't think £100 to save for future is unreasonable.

When I was a kid, my mum would allow us to spend a small amount & rest was saved. We were given access to account when we turned 18 & I was able to pay for travel for gap year,

Mine have spending and savings accounts. I top up the spending account to roughly £100 with birthday/ Christmas money to limit risk of theft, the rest goes into savings. It's then topped up £5/week plus I put money back in to pay for things they've purchased that are items I'd usually buy.

If they want to buy a bigger ticket item from their savings we talk about it and if they have done their research on price etc I transfer money out of savings for them to their spending account. I don't blanket vito but I do sometimes ask them to wait 48 hours just to ensure its what they want if it's come a bit out the blue. It's then about 50/ 50 if they go ahead with the original thing.

They have debit cards for their spending accounts which means they can buy online and it's slightly more secure than cash. I've had the contactless payments turned off because the bank advised teens often misplace cards in the early years and when found often they're tested on low value contactless transactions.

They don't see their savings as a one way account and have been able to get some great things when they've really wanted them. DS2 wanted to upgrade his bike, wanted his own PS4 a couple of years ago, wanted spends for a school exchange trip. DS1 got a fancy bike, fancy filaments for his 3D printer a monitor to go with his laptop etc.

I can easily see how a 15 year old can spend £500. A couple Xbox controllers is over £100. Nice trainers - another £100. Maybe some decent headphones? £150 easy. A couple Xbox games and that's another £80 gone. And so on.
My kids get about £80 from various relatives. My daughter will save it all, my son will have it spent by the end of the day. But he got a part time job as soon as he turned 16 and though he doesn't budget well he knows how much he has to work to earn X money. I'd let him do what he wants with it, but once its gone it's gone. If he comes up with something else tell him he has to wait or earn it.

Just take it off him. He's a young teen, What is he going to spend £700 on.