AIBU to make DS save his birthday money, and how would you handle this?

[parentofteen]

DS had his birthday this weekend. He's in his early teens.

He got £500 in cash and £200 of vouchers.

Historically I have always made him save part of his birthday and Christmas money in his bank account for when he's older. He has about £1k saved in that account at present - he can't access it.

He doesn't want to save any of the money this time. I've tried to compromise and say he needs to put away a minimum of £100. He is refusing.

AIBU? If I'm not being U, how would you handle his refusal to give me the money to save for him? He has hidden all the money at present.

With birthday money I think they should have complete access to it.

If someone bought him ridiculously expensive trainers you wouldn’t say he could only have one. Or if they bought him a games console then you wouldn’t make him save the games for another day.

What was the point of you giving him £80 if you didn't want him to spend it? Did you give it with the intention of him spending or saving?

The amount gifted is obscene for an early tean. Why aren't you cross with family rather than him? Why are you so controlling?

Why not encourage him to have it in a bank account he has control over? So he can spend it as and when under his own control.

He might be less desperate to spend it on a hurry if the options aren't spend it or lose control of it

I can't imagine that auntie gave him £100 provided he saved half of it. If the money was given to him without caveats, I don't believe that you should impose your own.

@Giespeace

If he received £500 of actual gifts, would you make him sell some for cash for his savings account?

Yes of course

Gosh, I wouldn't ever have been allowed to keep £700 to spend at that age.

I was in control of both my savings and my current account, but part of the deal from that was that money went into savings rather than all just being fritted.

Spend half, save half would seem eminently fair to me. Or keeping it but only to put a chunk of it it towards something sensible like a laptop. Or a warning that e.g. if he needs a laptop for GCSEs he will be expected to pay for half so needs to save a portion maybe?

My parents have never explicitly controlled what I spent, but there were always clear expectations that didn't involve splurging it on designer clothing.

I would prefer him to save it but I wouldn't feel it reasonable to insist- gifts are gifts and now is probably the best time in his life to have a bit of leeway to make his own mistakes.

@ConstanceSalinger

What was the point of you giving him £80 if you didn't want him to spend it? Did you give it with the intention of him spending or saving?

The amount gifted is obscene for an early tean. Why aren't you cross with family rather than him? Why are you so controlling?

I gave him £80 thinking he would spend £40 and save £40, as he has always done in the past.

Why would I be cross at my family for giving him this money? That seems strange. He's not had any particularly large cash gifts, just lots of them. It's a lovely gesture but I do feel bad that their money may be frittered on Vbucks and designer clothers.

Why are you so controlling? I wouldn't say I am, that's quite hurtful. He has money saved thanks to me always advising some saved, some spent. I am the adult and have made those decisions in the past. Perhaps I am needing to learn to let go now he's older.

In terms of what else he has saved - he has about £1k in a child trust fund and I put away £200 a month for him for when he goes to uni. He doesn't know about these sums.

I encourage my sons to save some but don't tell them they have to. Both have birthdays near Christmas so have always been given money instead of presents for at least one event ( as shortage of present ideas!). If their birthdays were further away then I think they'd get more presents. So I don't feel it's fair to insist they put money away just because they were born when they were born! Especially into an account that they can't access?!

Saying that, my eldest has always been a saver, and now aged 16 is pleased he has money tucked away to access to buy himself new fancy clothes and to help fund driving lessons later in the year.

I think at his age you have to let him start to take control of his spending. In less than 5 years (depending on his exact age) he will potentially be living away from home and having to manage a budget seriously. If he wants to blow it all on clothes, then let him. He needs to get used to the idea that you can only spend it once and thus need to make sensible spending decisions.

@parentofteen.
I'm gonna be controversial. I think what your doing is a great idea and I will probably implement the same with my DS ( who's only 1) I would like to instil better money skills into my child then I have myself and think this is a great way to start.
In this instance If he were my child. I would agree to let him spend all the vouchers and save the cash

I know its a huge amount of money, and I would be thinking the same as you, and wanting him to spend some and save some. I would make that suggestion, but if he wasn't amenable (I have a 12yo DS), I would let him spend it. Appearance can be really important at that age, and if he hasn't had access to this kind of money before (you say that he doesn't know about the savings you have for him), it is really exciting to indulge yourself. And at a birthday too.

Do you think he would look after what he buys? Like be trusted not to leave it on the bus or in the school changing room?

My 15yo self would have been utterly overjoyed and so excited to be able to have such lovely birthday presents. Especially in a lockdown situation, he is probably daydreaming constantly about going out and buying things with his money, it must seem really thrilling. I think the difficulty has come because it is a wodge of cash rather than actual physical gifts. If he had been given some jeans, trainers, shirts, tops, aftershave etc, then it might seem a little different. But the result is the same.

Another thought - saving doesn't have to be long term. It could be, for example, until the Autumn/Winter clothes are launched. So 'saving' say £100 or £200, which is basically keeping that money back, gives him even more to look forward to. It is still saving, and delaying pleasure (!).

@UnderTheBus

It's his money, he doesnt have to save it if he doesnt want to.

I don’t agree. The only way I have been able to get on the property ladder and buy a house in London is because my parents saved some of all our birthday and Christmas money etc from very early on. We used to get a lot from extended family and I’m so thankful we weren’t allowed to fritter it all away.

Could you tell home to save some for driving lessons when he older

I think it's great if they can be encouraged to save some of their money but it seems this year your DS is rebelling. Maybe he doesn't want to spend it all straight away but wants to be able to access it throughout the year which it sounds as though he can't do with his savings account.

I'd have a chat with him and let him know that as he's getting older you're willing to trust him with this money, but you want him to keep it safe and give thought to spending it wisely. No lending it to or buying things for friends out of it.

I can see the 'it's his money let him do what he wants with it' argument, but chances are, if he does 'waste' it, eg spend the money on expensive clothes and trainers that he will quickly grow out of, then if he needs something later on, that the money could have been used towards, chances are that the OP will end up having to pay for it, because it will be something that he needs like a laptop, university costs, driving lessons etc, so the OP will be unable to say 'you can't have this because you spent all your money years ago'.

£700 is incredibly generous for a teen's birthday and it sounds like he wants to spend most of it for the sake of it - eg clothes from Selfridges. Refusing to save even £100 makes him sound very spoilt, which is a shame because it sounds like the OP has tried very hard to teach him to be more sensible with money.

I would advice and explain about Money etc but ultimately his choice. Hard though when you watch your child be frivolous I imagine

I think he should have access to his own birthday money. If you want him to have savings then you should put money into savings for him. However, I know I'm a bit swayed here. My MIL was very controlling of money from my husband and it just became a way to abuse him. I'm obviously not saying you're abusive at all, just that my experience there has coloured my perspective.

YABVU

Making kids save birthday money is mean to me it's the one time they can have whatever they want.

That's a ridiculous amount of money for someone so young.

I gave him £80 thinking he would spend £40 and save £40, as he has always done in the past.

He’s only done so in the past because you forced him to. He never came up to you and said “hey mum! I want to save half my birthday money, please put it in the bank for me!”

I’ve been never really understood this saving birthday money craze that I’ve heard of on here. If i give my nieces and nephews money I want the them to spend it on something they really want, I’ve given them money to choose their own gift. I don’t want them to save it!

Pocket money, yeah save some of that but birthday money is to treat yourself.

That's a ridiculous amount of money for someone so young.

It is but maybe he has a large family lots of friends £20 - 50 here and there will add up quickly we can't dictate what a gift should be.