AIBU to make DS save his birthday money, and how would you handle this?

[parentofteen]

DS had his birthday this weekend. He's in his early teens.

He got £500 in cash and £200 of vouchers.

Historically I have always made him save part of his birthday and Christmas money in his bank account for when he's older. He has about £1k saved in that account at present - he can't access it.

He doesn't want to save any of the money this time. I've tried to compromise and say he needs to put away a minimum of £100. He is refusing.

AIBU? If I'm not being U, how would you handle his refusal to give me the money to save for him? He has hidden all the money at present.

When I give money to family or friends on a birthday it's because I want them to spend it on something they like or will enjoy. I would feel sad if they were being forced to save it and if I found out I would give vouchers next time so it could be spent.

£700 of ready cash is a huge amount to anyone, let alone a 14 year old. Why did he get so much? It's not even a "special" birthday.

I can see what people are saying about it being his money etc, but I'd have thought a 14 year old would need some sort of guidance about what to spend that amount of money on.

Although I am generally in favour of teenagers making their own decisions/mistakes, I think I would insist that he saved a good proportion of this. £700 is a huge sum for a kid.

Yanbu.
I have a saver and a fritterer.
My fritterer is younger than your DC but she wasn't learning lessons and regrets what she's wasted money on. I'm being much stricter with her now and she's starting to appreciate saving for something nicer rather than buying crap for the sake of it.

What would the giver(s) of the money want?

i have always encouraged my DD to save part of her birthday money. As a result when she really wanted something big then she had the money put to one side to buy it herself i.e. she has just bought her own padleboard (£400) which was as an accumulation of pocket money & money for Xmas and birthday.

Yeah it’s his money and if he wants to waste it on designer clothing let him.

Just don’t bail him out if he needs it

Your original post did not say where the money came from. So I do not think I was being rude. I am truly suprrised that you have not spoken to relatives about gifts before now and taken some control. If he only has £1000 saved but reguarly gets £700 for birthdays and Christmas, he obviously spends way more than most teens and gets way more discretion in the first place. You are the parent so you should have exercised more control when he was younger. You are probably too late now with a stroppy teen to deal with who is used to spending vast amounts of money and, it appears, getting his own way.

I was very much controlled with money and it took me years (and a good job) to be able to be responsible with it as an adult. I think you should let him have it and learn now.

Has he got more cash gifts than usual partly because of lockdown? Because that would also encourage me to relax savings rules

Only on MN could I be accused of being controlling in one post and then of needing to take some control in another 

@bubblesbuddy are you always so bitchy and condescending?

@minesapintoftea yes I think so - he doesn't seem to want anything since lockdown, whereas normally there's some present or another he might ask for. So people seem to have defaulted to giving cash this time.

He’s coming home with a Moncler or Canada Goose jacket. Younger and younger kids are wearing expensive jackets so that’s my guess as to why he wants to keep it.

Sorry how old is he? Your name indicates he’s a teenager.

I’m also of the view it’s his birthday money he should be able to choose.

I was never taught to save in my childhood, made bad decisions in my twenties and am now just learning to save in my 30s.

My best friend is younger than me and has 12k in savings, even though we are from similar backgrounds.

I really wish my parents had made or even encouraged me to save.
Perhaps you could re negotiate a saving amount he would be comfortable saving. £50 or £75.

As much as people need to make their own mistakes, with money that can be painful and long lasting. My son is a tiny baby but he's gonna have savings!

Does he have his own bank account? My teen has his own current account with an attached instant access savings account that he can sweep extra money into. We pay his pocket money into the current account along with birthday money and any money he earns, and he manages it himself. It’s up to him what he spends it on, he does check with us first and we will let him know what we think, but ultimately it’s always his choice.

College fund and savings account are separate, but he knows about them and what they’re intended for.

To be frank, I would not expect young teens to be saving up money for when they are adults- certainly not thousands of pounds as you seem to be expecting.

At that age, they really have few options when it comes to earning money. So I wouldn't be dictating what he does with his birthday money.

Not only does it belong to him, but you really can't expect 13 year olds to be saving lots of money for when they're adults and will by definition have lots more ways to earn money. DS2 is 19 for example and did a summer internship last year which allowed him to earn a significant sum- clearly 13 year olds can't do that.

Whilst growing up all of the money I was given for my birthday or Christmas was put into a savings account for me. This continued until I was 18... at which point I would add it to the savings account myself.

I wasn't given much pocket money and worked part time from when I was 15. I was always able to save for what I wanted.

When I bought my first house at 24, I really appreciated the fact that my parents had put money that I had received as gifts into a savings account as I had a sizeable deposit.

Do any of the parents responding on this thread have 15 year old teens with £700 worth of gifts from relatives etc at birthdays and Christmas? I suspect not.

I usually find MN is aghast at my levels of gifting and the money I gave DDs when they were at university. I am surprised at the generosity here and that people think a DC aged 15 should spend all of this money, I would assume twice a year, on expensive clothes.

I don't agree with you OP and I do not agree with your parenting style. If you were worried about what he spends, or what he wants to spend, you could have taken a bit more control over the gifts. You did not want to so he wants to spend what he has. But it is a lot of money. Might he not be persuaded to save and buy a car in a few years?

Cornish did you not see that as really controlling though? It was money that was a gift to you, for you to buy what you want.

Up until I was quite old (around 15/16) my mum wouldn't let me go to town on my own and spend my birthday money, she would insist on coming with my to stop me spending it on 'shit' which I found really controlling and sucked the joy out of it to be honest. Even if she had let me spend some of it on my own it would've been something.

In my opinion it's his money he can do what he wants with it. You can tell him he could save some for the future for a car or driving lessons etc but ultimately it should still be up to him.

I would say if he's under 18, then why not make him save 100 pounds? It seems reasonable. Does he realise that 700 pounds is what some people earn in a year? I also spent way more than I should have as a teenager on frivolous things tbh I wish someone would have stopped me

You say you're putting away £200 a month for when he goes to uni, what if he doesn't? What if he decides he doesn't want to, will you make him go or keep that money?

I think kids these days have more expensive items, and for him he may want a £500 coat or pair of trainers as those would then be his birthday present. Better to say 'These amazing trainers are my birthday present!' to his mates than 'For my birthday I put £500 in a savings account'.

Let him do it, see what happens, this is his money remember so he should be free to do what he likes with it.

Expecting 13 year olds to save money for house deposits and cars just makes no sense to me. At that age they really have very limited access to sources of income and birthday and Christmas money is a rare opportunity for them to access funds.

DS1 has just graduated uni and will be starting a graduate job in August- he'll be earning more in one month than a lifetime of birthdays and christmases, so he'll have ample opportunity to save now as an adult.

We made DD save some of her money, usually about half. She was vet grateful when she went to uni as she had £2k in her account to use.

Christ, that's a huge amount of money for a young teen to have. You must have a massive family.

Re the money I'm saving for him separately, if he doesn't go to uni then I'll keep the money aside for when he wants to buy his first home, or if he wants to use the money to start his own business.