AIBU: I'm not going to grow out of this, am I?!

[glowingtwig]

Posted in AIBU for traffic because it would be really helpful to hear people's thoughts...
I've always been susceptible to feeling really spooked out by anything to do with death or ghostly things at night. I have been like this for as long as I can remember and slept in a bunk bed in my brother's room until an embarrassing age, despite having my own bedroom- it always felt off and i'd get spooked out by a painting I thought was scary, that sort of thing.
I got better for a while living on my own in an end of terrace cottage, I felt really comfortable there and it has been the only place I've been able to fall asleep in the dark with no tv on.
I'm now a few months off turning 40 and live in a really ancient house with DH and DD 7 months but I keep getting awful intrusive thoughts about the elderly lady who lived and died here before we bought the property (another family lived here in between). For example, getting up for the loo in the night I imagine her standing behind the door, or being carried down the stairs and out of the house, dead. The thoughts are there in my head before I can stop them and I can literally feel the adrenaline fizzing through me. I imagine the other people who lived and died here (the house is 400 years old) and for ages after DD was born couldn't have her things in the oldest part of the house in case bad things had happened there.
It does seem to have got worse since having the baby, so I wonder if hormones have something to do with it. DH is loving and supportive but doesn't get it really.
As soon as daylight comes, I feel ok. It's like the light washes away every fear I have. I can't even sleep in the spare room or DDs nursery if it's dark, but in the light, I'm fine. I dread winter and the long dark nights (this was definitely worse immediately post-partum).
I confided in a friend to see if she ever had anything like it and her reply was 'no, that sort of thought has never entered my head'.
I feel like my life would be better if I wasn't this way and don't want DD to end up afraid of the dark, even though I'd try my best to keep it from her. I really thought I would just grow out of it one day, but I'm not going to am I? I'm ridiculous.
(Reading this back I imagine people saying why'd you buy an old house then? But my mum's house is 1960s build and I'm the same staying at my friend's in Scotland and that's a new build).
I suppose I'm just after some advice how I can get over this finally and stop these mad intrusive thoughts and fear of the dark.

@glowingtwig
Your post has come at the right time for me.
I am 56 and everything you said, is me...to the point of being scared to go to the loo at night, I have to have the hall light on at night. I visualise ghostly things, similar to the old lady type things you imagine.
I have to have doors to other rooms shut at night, otherwise I feel there is something watching me in the dark.
I am married and He sleeps right next to me, so I shouldn't be like this.
I do suffer greatly with anxiety and have done since a small child, I used to be terrified of bedtime because of scary stuff! My mum took me several times to the doctors, who said it was an overactive imagination, which. I suppose is true.
Its horrible isnt it, I also get sleep paralysis and all the shebang that comes with it, so that doesn't help.
Oh and I try not to be the last one going to bed as I hate going up the stairs on my own, sometimes I fall asleep on the sofa and I wake up early hours and am really terrified being on my own. I have 2 big dogs so I shouldn't be scared.
Literally the only time I sleep well, is in our motorhome, not sure why, its bliss.

@glowingtwig you deffo need to think kinder thoughts and imagine what you'd say to a friend or child who was feeling the same-sometimes our thoughts dont seem logical,it doesnt matter! Throw a little light on the situation(we have sensors dotted throughout our place as its huge,old and on 3 levels, with all of us feel varying degrees of "something")Accept you're not a fan of the dark and never will be and know there are thousands out there just like you : ) New baby hormones probs got you introspecting/ruminating over stuff a bit more than usual too.xx

I've been this way since I was a kid. I had lots of bad dreams, slept walked a lot, parents argued a lot etc...

I hate it if my husband is away and I also have four big dogs so should feel pretty safe really! My mind starts imagining all sorts and I have check behind doors, the spare bedrooms and wardrobes before I go to bed. I always sleep with a nightlight on and quite often the tv in the bedroom.

Sometimes I have to stay in a hotel room on my own if I'm away with work. The last time I stayed at a premier inn and they put me in the furthest room from reception down a really long corridor despite telling me the hotel was quite empty that night. I was petrified and didn't get to sleep until about 3am with the lights on

My DP is a bit like this. (yes, a man)
He's a very self-assured, physically strong, confident man. Not a scared y-cat at all with "real things"... e.g. a crime or a natural disaster etc situation he'd be way better than me.
But he gets quite jittery about sleeping with his back against a wall or sleeping closest to the door. (I'm always in the "vulnerable" sleeping spot) he also doesnt like anything reflective after dark and gets very creeped out with certain things. He's had really bad nights when we've been in old or "vibey" buildings
I'm not "woo" at all . Im extremely sceptical and rational. That seems to calm him down.
You're not catholic are you? I think some of his issue is being traumatised by "demon/exorcism talk" as an impressionable child.

I’m a CBT therapist and you’re certainly not the first person I’ve come across with this kind of problem. I agree with others mentioning intrusive thoughts. The trouble with anxiety is that what we believe will make things better are often what maintains the problem, for example getting the house blessed, asking partner to check house before bed, having a tick box of things that must be done at might and/or rituals such as having landing doors closed, moving to a brand new house, playing the radio all night (I’m listing various things not necessarily what you do OP).

A CBT therapist will assess you to see whether to treat you from a phobia perspective - Nyctophobia - or more in line with OCD (obviously I don’t know you so I’m just suggesting a possible approach) and they will help you identify your specific thoughts and behaviours and help you examine their validity, helpfulness and function and help you test out new approaches. It can be very helpful to examine what you’re doing and whether the safety behaviours you have are helping you or keeping you stuck. You’ll then be helped to develop a different perspective and way of behaving. You may also be helped to examine some of your beliefs (I’m weak for being frightened/I must have certainty in this world/I must be in control for example). You will (at the right time) put together some behavioural experiments (it’s a collaborative therapy) to see if your assumptions are correct and to see if your new approach works better.

It’s tricky at the moment as all therapists are (or should be) working on line but in the case of CBT it doesn’t really cause problems and many of us have worked like that for some time. You can get your GP to refer you for CBT (not counselling, CBT is the first line treatment for anxiety) or you can self refer (google IAPT and your town/borough). The disadvantage of IAPT (NHS talking therapy provision) is that waiting time can be long, though at the moment the online working my have increased the pace. Sessions are also limited in number which isn’t always ideal. The alternative is to look on the CBT register which is the place to find properly BABCP accredited CBT therapists who work in private practice. They are likely to charge about £50-75 a session but will have much more flexibility.

Of course it’s worth seeing your GP from a hormone perspective too as it could be chemical. I remember in my forties my general anxiety going up when I became perimenopausal and I’d had a similar thing happen after children were born. Even if something like this has a part to play I still think CBT will be helpful. The GP may offer you a medication to take the edge off things and this may be helpful in conjunction with therapy - keep an open mind about it if it’s offered.

I have this problem but I’ve never told anyone. I’m absolutely fine in my own house and am not at all nervous at night. I close all the blinds as soon as it’s getting dark though as I don’t like the thought that there could be someone outside that I can’t see. I regularly go away on my own and even in a hotel I know well I have to have a light on at night as I’m scared there will be ‘something’ in the room with me as they are ancient buildings. Even though they’re bright and happy places with no strange atmosphere. It’s very comforting to know that there are others with the same problem.