AIBU: I'm not going to grow out of this, am I?!

[glowingtwig]

Posted in AIBU for traffic because it would be really helpful to hear people's thoughts...
I've always been susceptible to feeling really spooked out by anything to do with death or ghostly things at night. I have been like this for as long as I can remember and slept in a bunk bed in my brother's room until an embarrassing age, despite having my own bedroom- it always felt off and i'd get spooked out by a painting I thought was scary, that sort of thing.
I got better for a while living on my own in an end of terrace cottage, I felt really comfortable there and it has been the only place I've been able to fall asleep in the dark with no tv on.
I'm now a few months off turning 40 and live in a really ancient house with DH and DD 7 months but I keep getting awful intrusive thoughts about the elderly lady who lived and died here before we bought the property (another family lived here in between). For example, getting up for the loo in the night I imagine her standing behind the door, or being carried down the stairs and out of the house, dead. The thoughts are there in my head before I can stop them and I can literally feel the adrenaline fizzing through me. I imagine the other people who lived and died here (the house is 400 years old) and for ages after DD was born couldn't have her things in the oldest part of the house in case bad things had happened there.
It does seem to have got worse since having the baby, so I wonder if hormones have something to do with it. DH is loving and supportive but doesn't get it really.
As soon as daylight comes, I feel ok. It's like the light washes away every fear I have. I can't even sleep in the spare room or DDs nursery if it's dark, but in the light, I'm fine. I dread winter and the long dark nights (this was definitely worse immediately post-partum).
I confided in a friend to see if she ever had anything like it and her reply was 'no, that sort of thought has never entered my head'.
I feel like my life would be better if I wasn't this way and don't want DD to end up afraid of the dark, even though I'd try my best to keep it from her. I really thought I would just grow out of it one day, but I'm not going to am I? I'm ridiculous.
(Reading this back I imagine people saying why'd you buy an old house then? But my mum's house is 1960s build and I'm the same staying at my friend's in Scotland and that's a new build).
I suppose I'm just after some advice how I can get over this finally and stop these mad intrusive thoughts and fear of the dark.

OP, could this be about having a small baby? Perhaps partly hormones, as you've suggested, but also your need to protect her.

I know you had these fears when you were young and vulnerable, and then they wore off. But now you've got a tiny person to protect and it's natural if you're feeling even more vulnerable on her behalf.

My sister had similar fears after her first baby was born. She eventually had counselling and was able to stop these thoughts preying on her mind.

I hope you can get the right help too.

Agree with sarahandquack - being scared of the dark and scary things happening is normal and human. It’s just got a bit out of control and is affecting you too much when you are in fact pretty safe. I also agree that understanding and accepting your thoughts helps more than trying to squash them.

My home previously belonged to an old lady who died in an accident (though not in the house) Because I knew about it already and the neighbours talk about it, it’s easy for me to imagine - despite thinking of myself as rational and sensible! - that she might be “still here” or appear when I’m on my own. I decided to see her as a friend and say thank you to her for letting us take over and live here. Because I know that part of my brain is there, making it a positive thing helps IYSWIM. I don’t know if anything ‘supernatural‘ is possible, But there’s no reason to think of it as bad - so if you try to think of all the nice and caring people who’ve lived in your house, and think of them as looking out for you in return for you caring for their home, it’s not as scary.

I know it sounds silly and on another level I am not woo at all. But this is how I manage my tendency to scare myself.

I think counselling might help too, or a mindfulness course as that helps you to let thoughts just pass by while you stay calm.

for you, feeling like this is horrible.

Do you believe in life after death? Are you religious and believe in Jesus or the like? If so, I think that’s where your issue lies.

I went to a catholic school and was dictated to that god is ‘real’ and fact!! 🙄 I was brainwashed at school about religion.

I was a student nurse and terrified of seeing my first dead body. I was spooked out and terrified. Terrified of coffins, dead bodies, funeral parlours, the mortuary, body trollies and anything death related. was worried incase the deceased might have done unfinished business here and decide to show themselves to me and I’d faint!

This fear stemmed from the fact the ‘spirit’ may have unfinished business here and cause mayhem and scare me!!!!

One day I questioned it all and started critically thinking. I then came to the conclusion that there is no ‘ghosts’ or supernatural going’s on. And that I don’t believe in god, Jesse, religion, the after life or the like.

I believe in the Big Bang theory and evolution and the ‘god delusion’ holds no clout whatsoever ever.

Since then I’m not scared of the dead. I just see a dead body in the same way I’d see a dead bird, or a dead fox on the road.

It’s not got a ghoulis ghost hanging about spooking people you seen in the movies..... it’s just a body that I’ve had a life that will disintegrate in the soil and be used as fuel to feed the plants. Nothing mor nothing less.

Once I changed my view in favour of science, any ‘supernatural’ contend I had were absolutely gone as it’s no real.

I'd suggest getting the vicar in to do a blessing. I don't believe in that sort of thing in a spiritual sense, but I do believe in bringing the fear out into the light, in front of others, and "banishing" it. Ceremonies are powerful things for a reason.

I agree with the PP who suggested going out on nighttime walks. Night time is really beautiful, especially when there's a full moon. I reckon you need to stop thinking of it as "different" to day time, because apart from being quieter and having different sources and levels of light, it's really not. Nocturnal animals are up and about, feeding their babies and playing. Nurses and doctors and other people who work night shift are getting on with their job or maybe sitting down to have a cuppa and a biscuit. Mad women like my mum are driving 20 miles to the 24 hour Tesco because they're insomniacs and have decided to do the weekly shop. Lads who have just passed their driving test are picking up girls they fancy for late night runs to McDonald's. Other parents are sitting up with their babies. Old men are nursing pints in half empty village pubs. Life is lower key, but it's still happening (obviously lockdown changes things currently!) if spooky ghosts and demons were real there's no particular reason why they'd float about at night rather than day time, in fact it's not logical because they're relying on you waking and needing a wee or something, that's potentially a whole night of hanging about on the stairs looking creepy

@Handsoffisback the thought of the baby crying is terrifying. I might try the talking aloud thing though.

@Thinkingabout1t you're right. I hadn't thought about it like this before - I put down the feeling better in my old house to do with the house and the fact it was so close to nice neighbours and just felt more comfortable, but actually maybe it is now more about wanting to protect dd.

I think I will see about counselling.

OP can I ask if your upbringing was religious? Not necessarily you but your parents? I have been affected in some ways the same as you and I believe it's due to how my parents brought me up (not blaming them). I have now largely got over it. Feel free to PM me or @ me if this was the case and I can expand.

Hi there I'm nearly 50 and still terrified of the dark. I still sleep with the hall light on and my door open. I check under the bed and in the wardrobe before going to bed. If I am on my own I have to check every window and door is locked. Very prone to freaking myself out. So don't worry lots of us are like you, a bit more highly strung than others xxx

I get a little like this sometimes. I cannot watch any kind of horror or doomsday type movies as that also makes it worse.

I sleep with a little light on and used to listen to tv but we don’t have one in our bedroom anymore so I just let some rubbish video on YouTube play. The sound distracts me for sure.

I feel for you. I get this on a small scale so do empathise. Lots of good advice already on this thread. Perhaps the next time e.g.you get up for the loo in the night, have a chatty dialogue (in your head or your DH will think you have lost the plot!!) blah blah I wonder if the other MNers (from this thread) are up to blah blah, or chirpy daft songs - concentrate on agadoo!!

SarahAndQuack has really hit the nail on the head here - it is a natural thing to be afraid of the dark. Civilisation has put a veneer on top of it, so as sentient beings we can usually tell ourselves that we are safe from predators.

@glowingtwig

We do have a family vicar but I think I'd be embarrassed to ask him (he used to be a GP and is quite rational and I think he'd think I was a bit mad). I wonder too if I'd be worried about stirring anything up that was paranormal It is so reassuring to hear I'm not the only one, although sorry for the other posters experiencing similar. Madly, generic hotel rooms on my own I'm not too bad.

Well, he's not entirely rational if he's given up an extremely lucrative and rewarding career in favour of a purely spiritual one now, is he?

Talk to him - he's more likely to think kindly on you due to his belief in a supernatural being and be more realistic due to his also having belief in science and medicine.

@BeatrixPottersAlterEgo

I'd suggest getting the vicar in to do a blessing. I don't believe in that sort of thing in a spiritual sense, but I do believe in bringing the fear out into the light, in front of others, and "banishing" it. Ceremonies are powerful things for a reason.

I agree with the PP who suggested going out on nighttime walks. Night time is really beautiful, especially when there's a full moon. I reckon you need to stop thinking of it as "different" to day time, because apart from being quieter and having different sources and levels of light, it's really not. Nocturnal animals are up and about, feeding their babies and playing. Nurses and doctors and other people who work night shift are getting on with their job or maybe sitting down to have a cuppa and a biscuit. Mad women like my mum are driving 20 miles to the 24 hour Tesco because they're insomniacs and have decided to do the weekly shop. Lads who have just passed their driving test are picking up girls they fancy for late night runs to McDonald's. Other parents are sitting up with their babies. Old men are nursing pints in half empty village pubs. Life is lower key, but it's still happening (obviously lockdown changes things currently!) if spooky ghosts and demons were real there's no particular reason why they'd float about at night rather than day time, in fact it's not logical because they're relying on you waking and needing a wee or something, that's potentially a whole night of hanging about on the stairs looking creepy

Fantastic

I can be like this. When I had babies I would spend nights wide awake with intrusive thoughts about meteors filled with terror.

I am much better now, I still get intrusive thoughts sometimes but much much less then when the DC were babies. I usually manage to sleep perfectly well now (I did have to run back into bed with DP with DS in my arms in the middle of the night recently when I woke up and had a horrible intrusive thought about something being in the empty bunk bed above us!)

I think it is stress/anxiety related (I had PNA after the DC and PND with one).

I think it will get better honest, when you have young babies I think you become hyper alert and it can get muddled a bit in your head sometimes and make any anxiety you are usually prone to much worse. That and the disrupted sleep!

Thank you everyone for the help.
I'm not sure what I believe really. I guess a bit of both... rationally I believe what you've said @Starcup but at the same time the possibility of something more... I don't know.

My upbringing was that Church was there for holiday clubs, the odd service like Remembrance Sunday and Christmas. Brownies there was a connection. My parents weren't pushy with religion but gave us access to CofE and my schools were CofE

I have always had similar thoughts. As a child I was terrified of ghosts (watched the introduction to Ghostbusters aged 5, you know the bit in the library?!). We lived in a fairly modern house but I was obsessed with the thought someone had died there. There was a box room behind my bedroom and the wind whistled in the door, I was convinced a ghost would come and ‘get me’.

Now I still don’t like the dark. I hate looking outside when there’s no street lights on. Hate going downstairs in the dark.

It’s worth talking to your GP about getting a referral for counselling/CBT. I’ve said some ‘CBT style counselling’ (not pure CBT). One big thing I took from that was that you can’t squash these thoughts, that doesn’t work. It’s best to acknowledge the feeling..so when my anxiety peaks I say I’m feeling anxious, it’s probably because of x....I acknowledge this feeling.. Sounds a bit daft but it helps.

@MitziK you might be right. He is a retired GP though and when I say family vicar I mean me, DH and Dd. We've attended church way more since moving here mainly because he's just so great. I don't want him to think badly of me!

I know how you feel. I think the advice of cbt is good & also getting a vicar in to bless your house. It’s like having an overactive imagination on speed & gets worse at night. I have a faith now, and find praying in the name of Jesus really helps. I hope you find what works for you. You’re not alone!

I had intrusive thoughts v similar when we moved to new house. DC2 was 2 months old at the time. Me being sleep deprived and on hormonal high alert definitely didn't help.

They are very rare now, 6m later.

What helped

1. Be kind to myself!
2. Be more aware of the thought starting.
3. Immediately counter a thought : by reminding myself I'm hormonal, I'm sleep deprived, it's normal for anyone to feel disoriented in a new house, and my brain is trying to help by coming up with a reason for the way I'm feeling, BUT that doesn't make those thoughts valid. Poor brain!
4. Put lights on, sleep with lights on, new curtains etc, decorate my bedroom to be nice and cosy.
5. Get extra hugs from DH.
6. Eating and drinking enough.
7. Being patient with myself.

You can get through this. Un mumsnetty hugs!

I think CBT could be really helpful. You want to feel comfortable in your own home apart from anything else.
I have the occasional night where I've felt a bit like this. My last house was old and spooky and I thought I could sense a presence a few times.

@BeatrixPottersAlterEgo this is so helpful, thank you. It does help to imagine other people are out and about doing normal things at night, like it's not the 'witching hour' as Roald Dahl put it.
Dd has me up BF still sometimes abc it does help to imagine a kinship with other ladies up feeding their little ones.

I'm the same. I used to be fine in the dark but after an incident a few years ago I can't sleep in the dark or go upstairs in the dark or anything. I don't know the truth of what I experienced but that is how I feel now.

So this is another vote for ambient lighting, sleeping with a lamp on. Try visualisations of healing white light surrounding you, your bed, then extending out into the room and around the whole house, pushing out anything negative. I find this helps also.

I hope it helps, Glowingtwig -- counselling or whatever other method you try. xx

To be honest I would not have entertained the thought of buying an old house with history for this very reason and especially given your history of feeling scared in the dark.
I know these types of feelings can happen in any house, but I have moved a lot and always ask if the previous owner died there more recently. Silly really.

@crimsonlake 🙈 I know but it's such a beautiful house in the daytime. The previous owners said that the elderly lady had died in hospital (irrelevant given the age of the house I guess, but still) but then a neighbour helpfully told me she'd died in our bedroom.

Thank you so so much everyone who has taken the tome to comment. Dd had me up at 5:30 this morning so I'm going to bed to try and sleep and try some of the suggestions x