AIBU: I'm not going to grow out of this, am I?!

[glowingtwig]

Posted in AIBU for traffic because it would be really helpful to hear people's thoughts...
I've always been susceptible to feeling really spooked out by anything to do with death or ghostly things at night. I have been like this for as long as I can remember and slept in a bunk bed in my brother's room until an embarrassing age, despite having my own bedroom- it always felt off and i'd get spooked out by a painting I thought was scary, that sort of thing.
I got better for a while living on my own in an end of terrace cottage, I felt really comfortable there and it has been the only place I've been able to fall asleep in the dark with no tv on.
I'm now a few months off turning 40 and live in a really ancient house with DH and DD 7 months but I keep getting awful intrusive thoughts about the elderly lady who lived and died here before we bought the property (another family lived here in between). For example, getting up for the loo in the night I imagine her standing behind the door, or being carried down the stairs and out of the house, dead. The thoughts are there in my head before I can stop them and I can literally feel the adrenaline fizzing through me. I imagine the other people who lived and died here (the house is 400 years old) and for ages after DD was born couldn't have her things in the oldest part of the house in case bad things had happened there.
It does seem to have got worse since having the baby, so I wonder if hormones have something to do with it. DH is loving and supportive but doesn't get it really.
As soon as daylight comes, I feel ok. It's like the light washes away every fear I have. I can't even sleep in the spare room or DDs nursery if it's dark, but in the light, I'm fine. I dread winter and the long dark nights (this was definitely worse immediately post-partum).
I confided in a friend to see if she ever had anything like it and her reply was 'no, that sort of thought has never entered my head'.
I feel like my life would be better if I wasn't this way and don't want DD to end up afraid of the dark, even though I'd try my best to keep it from her. I really thought I would just grow out of it one day, but I'm not going to am I? I'm ridiculous.
(Reading this back I imagine people saying why'd you buy an old house then? But my mum's house is 1960s build and I'm the same staying at my friend's in Scotland and that's a new build).
I suppose I'm just after some advice how I can get over this finally and stop these mad intrusive thoughts and fear of the dark.

Ahh thank you for posting this, Im reassured its not just me! Sometimes I don't have it for ages and think I'm over it and it randomly happens again.
Going to the toilet in the night for example I sometimes have to force myself to not look in the mirror because of the idea of seeing a woman there.
I used to sometimes look at my DH sleeping next to me and "imagine" another scary face there instead. Hated it.

Its not like a hallucination or a delusion, I know its not real.. its just like overactive imagination.
Ive tried to explain it to people before but never had anyone relate. Ive had it for as long as I can remember.

When I was little I used to imagine a face in my grans bedroom wallpaper.
Her brother died in her garden before I was born and I always avoided going near the shed as I imagined seeing him there.
She had a mirror at the bottom of the stairs and I used to run past so I didnt look because I was worried of seeing a reflection of this strange old lady in the front room.

It doesn't happen often now but I think it could be hormone/lack of sleep related for me. Having lights on doesn't do anything to help it in my case, its something about it being night time.
The only thing that really helps is putting on a podcast or audio book but there have been times I felt too vulnerable to do that because I wouldn't be able to... sense danger... or something. Its hard to explain and sounds ridiculous when I read back.

I have never slept without either the room or hall light on. Does having the hall light on help?

OP I have been like you since i was a child and never have my bedroom door shut all the way (low light left on in hall) . What has always helped is if i start to have horrible thoughts or wake up from a bad dream i have my bedside light right next to the bed so i switch it on and talk to myself saying its not real,,it cant hurt you (like i would to dc when they were little).
Then I imagine the horrible thing and imagine building a wall right up to the sky between me and it.
I m 52 and have done this since i was a little girl. I then try to settle down thinking of nice things or watch something silly on my phone till i relax.
If other people are home i can sleep in the dark but alone I have my hall light (tell myself its safer to leave it on so i dont trip over the cat in the dark).

do a space clearing ceremony - you can do it yourself!

www.spaceclearing.com/web/html/about/what-is-space-clearing.html

www.thespruce.com/feng-shui-and-space-clearing-1274974#:~:text=Space%20clearing%20means%20clearing%20the,materials%20used%20for%20space%20clearing.

I am like this too. I refused to buy a baby monitor with a camera function purely because I couldn't stand the idea of seeing something in the monitor that would freak me out. On bad nights I leave the tv on to drown out any noises I convince myself I can hear which during the day I know is ridiculous but at night I can't get over it

Hypnosis? And/or moving to a new build?

Do you have any idea what initially triggered these thoughts/feelings? It obviously goes way back and I agree that it seems unlikely you'll grow out of it now.

It would surely be weirder if you weren't like this?

It's entirely normal to be frightened in the dark - if humans weren't afraid, quick to identify any moving shadow or tiny noise as a reason to pump out adrenaline and be very cautious, we'd be long extinct. Likewise, we're evolved to make leaps of logic based on what we know - so if you hear a spooky story or know of a frightening event that happened, your brain is always ready to tell you it might be about to happen again. That is what protects you.

It's completely normal. If it bothers you, as others say, keep some low lighting on.

I'm not being snippy or superior, btw - I am not remotely into supernatural stuff and don't believe in any of the spirits/ghosts/voices from the beyond stuff, but in our current house, if I walk into the bathroom in the dark, I always get a sudden panic there will be a body hanging from the ceiling. I don't know why. I would assume there's something in the way the shadows fall, or some similarity to a film I've seen - dunno?

If you don't already know, you can get plug-in sensor lights. They light up when they record movement, and they're very dim, so great at night time. We got them when our DD was tiny, but they might be useful for you if you don't want to turn on a bright overhead light but do want to walk down a dark corridor.

I bet the vicar wouldn't be embarrassed if you explained the situation. I am not at all "woo" but I would probably do the same - it's worth a try.

I am the exact same. Have been since a child. My DH works 2 x night shifts a week I think of every possible scenario that could happen whilst alone in the house and work myself into a frenzy. The hallway light must stay on and if I get really bad the tv too. I can turn the light off as soon as the light comes up in the morning . It makes me feel utterly pathetic.
Your not alone .
I'm waiting for an appointment with the mental health nurse to see where to go as cant continue like this its exhausting.

I get intrusive thoughts and gentle forms of mindfulness help me. Instead of squashing the thought or being overwhelmed by it, I try and acknowledge it and allow it to pass. Sometimes in my head I talk to the thought and go “I see you, you’re just a thought, I’m ok.”

I think it’s worth talking to your gp as it sounds like it’s having quite an impact on you. As someone else said, CBT could potentially be quite helpful.

@UnicornRainbow83 I wondered if having the baby has triggered it to be worse than usual... maybe a natural protectiveness towards dd?

@stardustlil oh gosh I'm exactly like this with the monitor!!!

I agree that CBT could really helpful - intrusive thoughts can happen to anyone, they're not silly and they can be very upsetting and disruptive. But CBT is a very good way to deal with exactly this sort of thing, you might be able to get telephone counselling, or just using a book or website, lots comes up if you google 'CBT for invasive thoughts'

I get the same fears. Years ago I saw a Peter Cook & Dudley Moore sketch — one of the Pete & Dud ones. Dud was explaining how he got scared at night when he went to the loo and had to get back to bed before the loo stopped flushing. It was very funny and was the first indication I had that other people experienced this sort of fear. I have managed after about 60 years to control my thoughts most of the time but they do sometimes intrude. I won’t watch a scarey programme on tv if I’m alone in the house and always have an audiobook or podcast on as white noise to enable sleep. Curtains have to be drawn — nothing worse than a black window and the thought something is out there able to see me

@UnaCorda the only think I can think of is that about aged 7 I used to stay over at a house to go horse riding in shows in the morning and the children who lived there were quite a lot older than me and used to watch horror films, Nightmare on Elm st that sort of thing. But then I think that's not it because it's more to do with the history of what has been before if that maids sense... not just an old building... the land the house is on etc.

Might sound nutty but perhaps try to take control of the intrusive thoughts. When you're in bed drifting off and imagining this lady, imagine inviting her to the kitchen table for a cup of tea, asking her what's up, letting her know that things have moved on and she's causing upset. Give her a big hug and tell her it's ok to go. You have heard what she needed to say. Sorry if that sounds a bit barmy! Imagine her giving you a big smile and fading away. Do it over and over again. It's worked for me with intrusive thoughts at least a bit.

I will try those suggestions @recklessruby @magicmallow thank you x

I am very similar to this too! I live alone with just my DCs so it has led to some horrible nights of staying awake. I believe it stemmed from being really young and my dad used to watch scary films around us. I don't watch anything slightly scary or creepy now at all. And I also had postnatal depression which made it a lot worse as I think its that high anxiety of being scared and not being able to protect your DCs. I am much better now although if I accidentally see something scary on tv I will usually try and have an early night and read before I go to bed so my mind is focused on the storyline. Your imagination is a fantastic thing and once you imagine something you can start to hear and feel things that aren't actually there.

@SarahAndQuack it does help to think of it in a scientific way like this... like it's an evolutionary, self-protective thing.

@Whatafrickennightmare thank you, I hope you manage to see someone to help. It really does make you feel so silly, especially when the morning comes.

@totallyyesno you're probably right... he is lovely.

I had this too. But it has lifted dramatically since having a baby. I remember at one point feeling it as I was going in to feed son from my room to his in the dark. I then had this weird conversation with myself. I said, so what?! So what if there is something there. I d take it on. I d make sure I protected baby from it. I know it sounds mad, but since that point it is much much less. I still get it, but then repeat that thought to myself. Sorry if this doesnt help.

@riotlady I will try this tonight, thank you x

OP, I'm almost 40 and still turn the lights on because I get freaked out in the dark. There's a corner of the house (near the kids bedrooms) which I don't approach in the dark because I'm convinced Something lives there. I will obviously never mention it to the kids!! Therefore, try not to worry. I think this is more common than you would realise....

@Echobelly thank you for this.

@NoseyfriendNC I did wonder about PND. For the first 3 months I couldn't bear to be in the house and when the darkness came (early as it was autumn/winter) I would feel like I was being crushed by a heavy weight.

@BeardyButton I always hoped that after having a baby it would diminish... not go totally but be better as I'd be distracted from the thoughts. But now I'm even more jumpy. Skittish is the perfect description of how I feel @Aquamarine1029

I think having a baby definitely makes it worse as you are up so much more in the night!! I get this too, for me it came from a love of scary books and films when I was younger!

It does seem that way @ContessaferJones
Wish I'd spoken out about it earlier now.

@jiskoot no way I can stick a foot out of the duvet