AIBU: I'm not going to grow out of this, am I?!

[glowingtwig]

Posted in AIBU for traffic because it would be really helpful to hear people's thoughts...
I've always been susceptible to feeling really spooked out by anything to do with death or ghostly things at night. I have been like this for as long as I can remember and slept in a bunk bed in my brother's room until an embarrassing age, despite having my own bedroom- it always felt off and i'd get spooked out by a painting I thought was scary, that sort of thing.
I got better for a while living on my own in an end of terrace cottage, I felt really comfortable there and it has been the only place I've been able to fall asleep in the dark with no tv on.
I'm now a few months off turning 40 and live in a really ancient house with DH and DD 7 months but I keep getting awful intrusive thoughts about the elderly lady who lived and died here before we bought the property (another family lived here in between). For example, getting up for the loo in the night I imagine her standing behind the door, or being carried down the stairs and out of the house, dead. The thoughts are there in my head before I can stop them and I can literally feel the adrenaline fizzing through me. I imagine the other people who lived and died here (the house is 400 years old) and for ages after DD was born couldn't have her things in the oldest part of the house in case bad things had happened there.
It does seem to have got worse since having the baby, so I wonder if hormones have something to do with it. DH is loving and supportive but doesn't get it really.
As soon as daylight comes, I feel ok. It's like the light washes away every fear I have. I can't even sleep in the spare room or DDs nursery if it's dark, but in the light, I'm fine. I dread winter and the long dark nights (this was definitely worse immediately post-partum).
I confided in a friend to see if she ever had anything like it and her reply was 'no, that sort of thought has never entered my head'.
I feel like my life would be better if I wasn't this way and don't want DD to end up afraid of the dark, even though I'd try my best to keep it from her. I really thought I would just grow out of it one day, but I'm not going to am I? I'm ridiculous.
(Reading this back I imagine people saying why'd you buy an old house then? But my mum's house is 1960s build and I'm the same staying at my friend's in Scotland and that's a new build).
I suppose I'm just after some advice how I can get over this finally and stop these mad intrusive thoughts and fear of the dark.

I m the same OP. I was really bad when I was young. I remember I watching a fan In the bedroom move from side to side (as If it was a face) and I was paralysed with fear. When I moved into my first house, my aunt told me to burn incense and open windows, and say out loud to whatever spirit was there in a confident way something along the lines of....you need to go, I live here now....(I’m of Buddhist/ Chinese heritage).....I know it sounds bonkers, I did it anyway. It sort of did put my mind at ease.

I always have the landing light on, hate walking into dark rooms, shut the curtains as soon as it’s dark, I live in a modern house. I hate cellars and am happy not to have one. I would literally run up the stairs in my last house when I’d been in the cellar. I avoid any hotel or accommodation that seems quite old and if I thought somewhere was haunted I wouldn’t stay. In Hotels I leave the bathroom light on so I can see. If I’m on my own I sometimes sleep with a lamp on. I can’t have the bedroom door open at night and hate using a shower where there is a curtain and I can’t see through. I’m very much affected by films and can’t watch anything scary. I’ve only ever watched Silence of the Lambs once. I’m not fearful due to religion of any kind and I have a genuine belief that ghosts do exist. I am terrified of the dark. I am not sure I will ever get over it, I’m past 40 now. So my advice would be make your life as comfortable as possible, keep low lighting on in places around your house. If you feel safe in your house then do not worry. If you don’t think you’ve seen or felt anything don’t worry. If your husband is understanding that helps a lot, mine doesn’t really get it either but he bears with my needs with regard to these things. You’re clearly not the only one. Do what you need to do to make you feel safer and whatever helps you sleep.

Oh goodness!
I have never met anyone else who had these thoughts. I freak myself out every night as soon as it gets dark I need all my blinds shut as I'm scared if seeing someone or something outside. When I wee in the night or nip downstairs in the dark I run because I wind myself up something is going to get me.
I have no advice as I'm 27 and have always been like this.
I sleep with my bedroom door open so I can hear the kids and I keep the lamp on down in the hall for a bit of light!
I do however think like some others have said maybe some kind of CBT might help! X

I have this too! Well I did for the whole of my life until about 3 years ago. I had therapy after my 1st dc and it is soooo much better now. I used to not be able to sit down on the loo or flush it with the door closed (petrified of someone coming up the loo - I know), go upstairs on my own, put out the bins in the dark, in fact go outside in the dark etc etc. The therapy I had addressed my childhood and upbringing, it is almost never there now. Comes back a tiny bit when I am really anxious. I hope you find a solution, it's horrible to live with!

This isn’t really about the supernatural it’s just about anxiety. Why is a ghost a scary concept? What thoughts do you attach to them? People who believe in ghosts aren’t necessarily scared of them, so the two things don’t go together by default.

From that perspective CBT could potentially help.

The dead cant hurt you only the living can.Thats what I've told myself before and it seemed to work.Even if there are ghosts they cant do anything to you.Try to rationalise it.

I think the problem is intrusive thoughts, and that this has become an obsession. It's like a pp said, the more you respond to these thoughts the more they get bedded in. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. I have had many persistant ones that I think most people would regard as crazy, but lots of us do.

They can go though, and I think CBT of some kind or even reading books about intrusive thoughts and CBT will help.

I am very very confident that you have nothing to fear from anything supernatural in your home or anywhere else. The only place you are going to see, hear or sense a ghost is in your imagination. That can be scary enough so I do sympathise.

Living in a house where someone has died is absolutely normal, for centuries and more nearly everyone was born and died at home. My mum grew up in a house and a room where generations of her ancestors had been born and died. It's humanity, humanity happens in homes. It is only recently we have become used to the idea of separating things into 'domestic' and 'hospital'. I have spent most of my life in houses where people have died. They weren't even all older houses, certainly nearly all if not all older houses will have that feature. I really hope I haven't made things worse, I am just trying to normalise it. It isn't some unfortunate oddity of your home.

I'm afraid of the dark myself. But it sounds like what you've got is beyond this.

OP I strongly relate. I have always suffered intrusive thoughts about something similar but they cane and went over the years and I managed them.
Post partum they got way, way worse! I ended up getting some CBT therapy which helped a bit and also there's a really good book on intrusive thoughts. I'll try and fine a link for it. It will definitely help.

It's funny you are saying all the same things as I did to the therapist. A lot of 'why am I like this?' 'What's wrong with me?' And that's all part of it

OP I'm sure your vicar would want to help you in any way he could and he certainly won't think badly of you. Why would anyone in a caring role think badly of someone trying to overcome a genuine fear?

When I was little I watched he beginning of the Sharon Tate movie.
Since then (and I’m nearly 50) not a night has gone by in which I haven’t thought someone is going to break into my house and kill me.
My daughter is scared of sleeping alone and I’m not giving her a hard time, I sleep with her many nights because I know how paralysing and irrational fear is during the night.
Like you, in the morning I feel foolish and I feel very safe, but it always comes back at night.

Bless you OP, I am EXACTLY the same and I'm 41! I've always been like it- I could have written this myself, honestly. It's strangely never occurred to me to find out if other people are the same. I know my sister is, but we're twins (like the ones from the Shining 😂😂 sorry OP!)

Sorry I can be of much help but I wanted to offer you my total empathy and understanding. X

I am very very confident that you have nothing to fear from anything supernatural in your home or anywhere else. The only place you are going to see, hear or sense a ghost is in your imagination. That can be scary enough so I do sympathise.

That doesn’t really help people who believe in ghosts. A more pertinent issue is that people can believe in them and not be scared of them.

I only get like this if I get woken (or think I've been woken) by a strange noise. But once it's on, it's on.

Is it worth looking into treatment for anxiety, OP? I think that's what I'd try, if it was all the time.

Okay you can get over this as I have. Since a child I used to be petrified of the dark, of monsters, etc. Months of vivid dreams,

I'm afraid of the dark, but I know this stems from abusive parenting when I was a child. I'm used to it. I have to have a light on when I sleep; DH has become used to it.

The intrusive thoughts sound worse and not something you can or should get used to, and I'd recommend CBT.

Sounds like a phobia, either of death or the dark or both. I'd say counselling could help

Also try some rerouting techniques. The brain is a muscle and the more you think a thought the more easily your mind goes down that route. Every time you have the thought think of a different one - like your children dancing or cats in boots. Over time your brain finds the new route easier

Op it’s difficult if you are scared of the dark. When dh is away I usually sleep with the hall light on & I leave the garden lights on - we don’t have curtains yet. I’ve got better as the dcs have got older. I definitely think it’s an evolutionary thing - we need to be alert to danger. You can see in the predators easily in daytime but not at night hence the fear of the dark.

I’m Greek & most Greeks on moving house ask a priest to come & bless it. You’ve nothing to lose by trying. Good luck.

I get this OP.
I would say it's more woo than anything to do with hormones. Some people are more sensitive to woo things than others and I think you are probably one of them.
I sleep with the light and nothing bad has happened to me.

Hi OP
The Intrusive thoughts sound exactly like a form of OCD which is not just as commonly thought, all obsessive rituals.
There are plenty of books to help with understanding it which will help to alleviate the anxiety.
Or/as well as as pps have mentioned - CBT is really helpful.

Hormones do seem to make it worse as it is common in puberty.

It’s so reassuring to read that I’m not the only grown adult who feels like this! I’ve had the same problems since I was a child. I get spooked looking out the windows at night as I feel like there’s someone or something lurking, can’t walk into a dark room (I have smart lightbulbs in every room so I can turn them on before entering) and my heart skips a beat at every noise in the house during the night.

We were burgled when I was 8 years old which I think is what started it, and then my student house got burgled when I was 20 too. I wish those lowlife scum knew what an impact they leave on some people.

Nothing helpful to add as in my 38 years I am yet to resolve this issue but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

I'm 43 and if DH is away I sleep with the hall light on and the en-suite bathroom light on and don't close my bedroom door
I don't sleep well when it's just me and the kids despite an alarm and a dog I just don't - and my house is not creepy and relatively new
So I get you. I don't have a solution for you I'm sorry but wanted you to know you're not the only one and not silly

I’m a little bit like this and have experienced creepy things. Up until a few years ago I really struggled with having mirrors up due to a phobia relating to things like this but as I’ve got older I’ve had to try tell myself is silly. My current house is not massively old and has a nice vibe though which I think has helped.