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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stopping spending money?

132 replies

QQQQQQ123 · 07/06/2020 16:33

Ds is 14, he gets £20 per week spending money, he has to manage the dishwasher at the weekends, put his clean clothes away, keep his bedroom tidy.
It’s a fight every time I ask him to do the above, so stressful. I’ve just told him he has to keep his bedroom tidy and forget the rest, but he won’t get any spending money.

OP posts:
Devlesko · 07/06/2020 20:48

You future dil isn't going to like you, raising a useless man child,
HTH.

No seriously, you have to make him do it, for his own good, you can't allow him to grow up useless.

At his age mine were washing drying and putting away clothes, cooking, cleaning cars, gardening mowing the lawn, washing up, putting away.
Obviously they did some of these chores on a list.
Sunday, they ironed their own uniforms and cleaned their own shoes too.

QQQQQQ123 · 07/06/2020 20:52

Mainly food, they used to all meet Friday after school and go to Nando’s, Wagamama’s or a local chicken shop, not much change from £20. If it’s someone’s birthday it £10 in a card or on gifts and £10 food, parents usually pay for cinema/bowling.

OP posts:
Whyohwhymusti · 07/06/2020 20:52

@Wearywithteens

My husband was never expected to do anything as a teenager, and guess what, now he doesn’t either. He is a lot better now as he realises that the magic fairy doesn’t just come and do the washing and cleaning but I wish he had been brought up helping and being expected to do things for himself.
And for anyone who thinks of commenting why did I marry him - he’s an amazing man that loves me to pieces, it’s not his fault that he was never made to help!

KellyHall · 07/06/2020 20:53

Pay as you go, like a sticker chart but with money attached for each chore completed.

It's totally his decision whether he wants to earn money to spend. If he does nothing, he gets nothing. Don't ask him more than once.

houselikeashed · 07/06/2020 21:00

Pay as you go, but half the amount. Then he can double it if he does the chores without having to be asked/reminded.

Spacepocket · 07/06/2020 21:00

I don’t pay mine for household chores, given that they live in the household. We all pitch in for a ‘big’ top to bottom house clean once a week then on other days, they keep their bedroom floor clear ( of dirty washing and general crap) empty whatever bathroom/ recycling bins that need emptying, take turns to wash and dry dishes and a quick daily hoover. Also they pick up dog poop in the garden and put away their own washing.
I don’t think it does then any favours to allow them to do nothing BUT I was brought up by an OCD, housework obsessive mother so I’ve had to work hard to get a decent balance. My ex was brought up with cleaners and saw housework as beneath him.
But £20 a week is a LOT of cash!

MovinOnUp · 07/06/2020 21:02

My 10 year old cleans the cat litter trays in the morning and empties the bin.
Brings her dirty laundry through and puts away the clean folded laundry I've done.
Washes the after dinner dishes.

My 9 year old feeds the pets in the morning and takes out the recycling.
Laundry same as DD
Clears the table and dries the after dinner dishes.
They make their own beds in the morning and I expect them to keep their rooms tidy.
They don't get pocket money for this.

WombatChocolate · 07/06/2020 21:06

Teenagers need to have some money. If they don't have a job, family need to provide them with some and I don't think that's unreasonable.

Generally speaking, I would keep the money they get separate to the general contribution to the running of the household. Teenagers are old enough to appreciate that a team effort is needed and whilst Mum and Dad might do more than a fair share, they also need to play a role. So I agree that it's good for them to do more than just stuff to benefit themselves (their own rooms or laundry etc) but to make a contribution to the house too.....and not for money. The adults in the house don't get paid tool ad the dishwasher and the teens are equally memebers of the household so don't need paying either.

I don't like the idea of kids or teens feeling entitled to money per task. I've known some who if asked to mow the grass, instantly want to know how much they will get and then might decline. Growing maturity is about recognising that households don't just run themselves and everyone needs to play some kind of role...without financial reward.

Lockdown has been good in our house for the DC learning some new skills we were just too lazy previously to teach them. So they have learned to know the grass and some extra cleaning skills. And all these things are pretty straightforward really and actually the kids are quite pleased with themselves that they can do them - they think it's a bit embarrassing if a 14 year old can't change the bed or clear up the kitchen.

So in our house, the DC have some basic things they are expected to do weekly like sorting out their laundry and changing their beds, plus are expected to do a couple of jobs each which help the whole house....like cooking a meal or cleaning up the kitchen after a day of lockdown, or mowing the grass or doing and hanging out the laundry. They receive their weekly money straight into their bank account £10, but aren't as yet big spenders and we give them extra if needed for outings etc.

If a big job came along, like decorating a bedroom or tidying out the whole garage etc, we might see if either was happy to help out with a couple of hours. Fortunately, they have an attitude that they will help us out, because they know that we are frequently putting ourselves out for them, in all kinds of ways quite willingly...and they are mature enough to see we all benefit from being helpful to each other. I've known parents pay their teenagers for doing a day of pretty heavy labouring or garden clearing etc - sort of one-offs, where the teenagers help has made a big difference, amd wouldn't have a problem with that.

I don't like it when teenagers have got to the point of thinking it is the job solely of adults to run the house and their sole job as teens to do school work and enjoy themselves. It's immature and often I think it has in some unwitting way been encouraged by parents. Being a team and working together and seeing home life as a team effort really matters.....realise it's a journey for kids and teens to get to that point of maturity in thinking, but showing as an adult that tedious tasks are just a reality of life for all households and that all memebers of a household are literally members, rather than there being some huge distinction between adults and children really helps.

Wearywithteens · 07/06/2020 21:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Oly4 · 07/06/2020 21:06

£20 a week sounds reasonable to me for a teenager with a social life.
But for me it would be £20 after X, Y and Z is done. No chores = no money.
And stop the nagging, a few weeks with no cash will see him change his ways

lakeswimmer · 07/06/2020 21:07

Our teens get £20 per month and are expected to buy their own clothes and help to clean the house! Despite the pittance we give them it seems to work fine. We live rurally and they don't often socialise outside school/college/organised clubs and activities. None of them are materialistic or interested in clothes with labels.

If they want a big item they get it for Christmas/birthday. The older two supplement with part-time jobs (or they did before coronavirus - tourism businesses which are currently shut). They are generally happy to help with the cleaning - DH and I work full-time and our family is a team - we all have to pull our weight.

ChaoticCatling · 07/06/2020 21:08

14 year old DS does half the washing and wiping up, half the vacuuming, half of the washing. He puts his own clothes away, tidies up after himself and makes most of his own breakfasts and lunches. He gets £20 a month.

Bluewavescrashing · 07/06/2020 21:08

Just don't pay him if he moans about it

VividImagination · 07/06/2020 21:09

Unpopular view on MN but I don’t expect or want my teenagers doing any chores. They are not domestic slaves or employees. They are expected to do their best at school/college and to not be dicks. They manage to do this without financial incentive.

I agree with this. Mine (24, 22 and 13) have been expected to do school/uni work, homework and music practice and generally behave like civilised humans. Ds 1 & 2 are now working and do their share (And pay their way) around the house and garden. Ds2’s a pretty good cook. Ds3 gets £10 a week and sometimes something from his brothers. He saves most of it towards Xbox and switch games. He does anything to help me if I ask.

greenskylark · 07/06/2020 21:16

My 13 year old gets £10 per month pocket money.

I told him that his only job now is to focus & do his best in his studies and making right decisions. In terms of chores, he keeps his room tidy and help out when I ask or offers when he sees that I am tired. This is all done because he wants to help me out, not for pocket money. Exchanging labour for money just doesn't sit right for us as a family.

We buy him everything he needs and wants ( within reasons ). Gives him more money than needed for trips out with friends.Talks to him about the importance of making sound finance decisions in everyday life ( whenever there's a chance..eg whilst watching news etc) and the point out how harsh the world would be is he did not work hard to earn enough money. No sugar coating at all.

That's what feels right for us.

WombatChocolate · 07/06/2020 21:31

I think the phrase 'they are not domestic slaves or employees' is the bit people have trouble with. Even if your children are perfectly nice people with plenty of domestic skill level,mas you mention several times, your comment implies that expecting children or teenagers to contribute is to treat them as some kind of domestic drudge. It isn't that at all. The relationship between parents and children who all live together in one house and benefit from the domestic chores which are done and need doing is nothing like that of a slave or a paid cleaner for example.

It also suggests that it's not possible to work hard at school and still play a role in the household...that somehow school work and extra curricular activities are of a superior value than household tasks. I don't like that idea ....and I say that as someone who highly values academic achievement, study and pursuing extra-curricular activities to a really high standard....but can also see there is space in the week to contribute towards the house that you are part of.

I don't like teenagers to get the idea that somehow revising for exams is a higher activity than things others are doing, so exempts them from changing their bed, or allows them to be grumpy and rude and not speak to grandparents when they ring etc. I think it is possible for some households to give the signal that academic study and revision somehow supersedes everything else and justifies selfish behaviour. It is possible to have teens who study really hard and also are still decent memebers of the the family and play their role. Of course I'm not talking about them spending 6 hours a week working through a list of chores and gardening and decorating etc....but pulling their weight. In an ideal world there might not even be any lists, because they might have got to the point like adults, who just see that the dishwasher needs emptying, so do it without giving it another thought and it isn't then a big deal to them that they have done it...so doesn't need loads of praise or money. Getting to that point comes from age-appropriate activities and everyone in the house just mucking in, so it's never a big deal. I appreciate that teens don't always get to that mature frame of mind as quickly as we might like and the odd list of jobs might be needed, but having a list of 3 jobs, to include changing your bed, tidying your room and emptying the dishwasher 3 times a week isn't really something that can't be combined with studying and normal teenage activities and to suggest it makes them a domestic slave or like an employee seems to suggest teens are such delicate individuals and their academic activity so delicately balanced and easily thrown off course by a bif of washing up, or request to hang out some washing, that infantilises them I think.

I expect to do more domestic chores than I would expect them to do. Teens are not adults. They don't need to bear the full responsibility of running a house....the finances and planning and making sure everything happens....but they can play a bit of a role. They are not small children but are becoming mini-adults and their role in the household needs to reflect that transition. No-one instantly goes from child who was waited on hand and foot to an Independent adult who is able to successfully co-exist domestically with others of their age, in their late teens.

I'd be upset to think my 18 year olds turned up in a shared house and had no idea of all the things that need to happen for a house to run....to not realise the toilet won't clean itself or what the toilet cleaner is for. Or to think that it must be someone else's job to do that stuff....but not theirs, be ias ether mind is on higher things like study or having a good time. It would seem a bit like not realising you need to be kind and empathetic to other people, that sometimes you need to make sacrifices for others....again all skills we have to teach our children as part of growing up, and where the home and family is a great place to learn.

Wallywobbles · 07/06/2020 21:34

Kids 11-15.

Oldest 3 get 70€ month. Buy all their own clothes, presents for friends and pay their own entertainment. I pay travel and phones.

Washing - everything but ironing (we don't have a working iron). No ironing of their clothes.

Don't produce your clothes, your problem.

Cleaning of own rooms and bathrooms. Public space as and when necessary.

Everyone cooks a meal /week - different recipe every time. Everyone helps when entertaining - they all have their own specialities.

Everyone lays up and clears away.

Everyone knows how to do all the animals (farm - sheep, horses, ducks, chickens, cats, dog).

If DH or I are away everyone can do everything.

ChaoticCatling · 07/06/2020 21:41

I don't think it's treating a teenager like servant to expect them to help out. There's just the two of us and I work full time. DS is going to school but is home two hours before me and all schoolwork is done at school now, he has no homework. I can hardly do everything.

EnidsCrochetCorner · 07/06/2020 21:41

Mine don't get pocket money, I pay for their phones and anything else within reason providing that their school work is done to a high standard, their school reports show outstanding/good effort, good grades and politeness to staff and a good attitude at home.

They have a list of chores to do which include dishwasher, responsibility for the bins both recycling and kitchen, both emptied twice a week on set days, plus bins cleaned down. They cook when asked, their rooms are tidy, laundry is always put into the hamper and they strip their beds, wash their bedding and put it back on, they launder their towels too. They set and help clear the table, wash up items that cannot go into the dishwasher, help with gardening, cleaning up outside etc.

No-one pays me or Dh to do household chores so I am not paying them. They know the value of how much a job would pay them per hour and would rather just apply themselves to their school work Grin

MintyMabel · 07/06/2020 22:55

What do all your kids do please?

My 11 year old who has mobility issues makes her own bed, empties the dishwasher every day, helps clean the bathrooms, dusting, folds and puts away her washing, helps with cooking dinner. There’s an additional list of pocket money tasks she can do if she wants cash.

20 quid for essentially keeping his own room tidy is a piss take.

MintyMabel · 07/06/2020 22:58

help out when I ask

I wondered where all the “I’d help out if you asked” husbands came from.....

Ellisandra · 07/06/2020 22:59

More than £80 fecking quid a month? Shock And I bet he’s not paying his own bills gone contract from that.

Ellisandra · 07/06/2020 22:59

*phone contract

schoolsoutforcovid · 07/06/2020 23:01

"I wondered where all the “I’d help out if you asked” husbands came from....."

Quite, and the ones creating them can't see it Confused

lakeswimmer · 07/06/2020 23:03

TBH if he wants to spend £20 a week on eating out then he needs to get a job. I don't spend £20 each week on eating out and I'm 50 Grin

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