Stopping spending money?

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Ds is 14, he gets £20 per week spending money, he has to manage the dishwasher at the weekends, put his clean clothes away, keep his bedroom tidy.
It’s a fight every time I ask him to do the above, so stressful. I’ve just told him he has to keep his bedroom tidy and forget the rest, but he won’t get any spending money.

I gave mine the choice:

• FAMILY MEMBER OPTION - take part in family chores, receive pocket money and benefit from the chores other people do for them (washing, cooking).
• LODGER OPTION - don't take part in family chores, what would have been their pocket money is paid to me in "rent" and they do their own washing, cooking.

@Wearywithteens And that's probably why you are weary with teens. Lol.

Asking people to contribute to running of the house they live in is not treating someone like an employee or domestic slave, it's teaching them that they won't be waited on hand and foot and that a normal polite person contributes and chips in with team effort - especially in a family.

OP I don't know why you are fighting with your teen. You have set the rules. He either dies the chores or he doesn't and if he dies then he doesn't get any money. No need to fight about it at all.

And I don't know why you are rethinking what he has to do. Sounds like he's doing very little to contribute to the running of the house as it is.

As others have demand you are setting him up to be one if those DH's that poor overworked wives come in MN about!

My 9yr old puts her own laundry away and keeps her room tidy. She also lays the table and helps me with the cleaning when asked. She doesn’t get pocket money but I happily spend on treats for her when appropriate. She’s part of the household so not unreasonable to expect her to help a bit!

I don’t expect or want my teenagers doing any chores. They are not domestic slaves or employees.

What happens when they get to Uni? They will be the idle twats who leave their washing up and never clean because they just expect it to magically happen. What about when they house share or live with a partner? You are setting them up to fail. Teach them that there are chores to be done in a house.

My 7 year old is in charge of emptying the dishwasher everyday, and she keeps her room tidy.

My 15 year old has 80 per month no strings attached, but she buys her own clothes except sports kit (no school uniform).

13 year old was offered the same arrangement but wants me to keep buying his clothes so he still only gets pocket money - 6 per week. Unconnected to chores, no strings.

The 3 kids (10, 13 15) do the dishwasher alternately, they police it themselves, there are no arguments with us and they have a list stuck to the dishwasher.

They each put their own laundry away - I don't police the older two, only remind the littlest, but basically if they don't do it they have to keep going to their basket in the laundry room for clean clothes - not my problem.

Their rooms are up to them, nothing to do with me, I don't live in them. This is possible because we have a strict no food and drink except water upstairs rule which applies to all of us - DH and I too - because DH and I stick to it there's not much room for argument.

The older two cook our evening meal quite often, at least once per week - sometimes the middle and youngest cook together. Whoever cooks chooses what we eat. It's also unconnected to money. They usually do it voluntarily or if I'm working late. Sometimes we ask one of the older ones to cook but in that case it's fine to bung freezer pizza / fish fingers or something in if they don't want to cook.

Eldest often does her own laundry but if she sticks it in the family laundry I do it - she prefers to have her s under her control. Unconnected to money.

They can earn money if they want by asking me if I want anything doing and how much they'll geet for it. I can always find a task if they want to earn money. Generally only the eldest does, but sometimes she has phases of doing lots of extra chores for money (cleaning out the garage, sorting outgrown clothes, family laundry, cleaning the kitchen) but also months when she does nothing - this is fine.

To people who are shocked at a 14 year old getting £20- how do your teens pay for trips out with friends? Shopping? Cinema? Bowling? Macdonalds? jump parks? swimming? buying bits and bobs like t-shirts? etc.

I don’t expect or want my teenagers doing any chores. They are not domestic slaves or employees.

I pity the person they end up with.

Dd is just turned 14 and gets £5/week. She has to put the bins out and keep her room and bathroom clean and tidy. I apply a lower threshold than I would to my own bedroom/bathroom but filth and no effort to kept tidy means no money.

The tricky thing is that her dad and gps often give her extra cash which means that she is not that reliant on her pocket money from me but there are ways around that eg I’ve just ordered her some new clothes and I’ve told her she can’t have them until her room is tidy and her bathroom clean.

Freak my DS rarely did those sorts of things at 14, he had money for Christmas and birthdays for 'trendy' clothes, he had a paper round from 13 to earn money .... he was getting £50 a month until he left for uni (last year), by then he had started working in restaurants & pubs ... he learned to save, now he invests (small amounts) in shares & as he couldn't get a job when he came home from Uni has set up doing car washing door to door & doing quite well .

Blimey op. My 3 year old loads his own plate/cup/bowl into the dishwasher and helps put other things in their two. He also has to put away his own clean clothes and tidy the toys in his room.

This isn't being a "domestic slave" it's being a responsible member of a family. Otherwise you end up with teens leaving home who are used to being waited on hand and foot and wont lift a finger!

To people who are shocked at a 14 year old getting £20- how do your teens pay for trips out with friends? Shopping? Cinema? Bowling? Macdonalds? jump parks? swimming? buying bits and bobs like t-shirts? etc.

I suspect this is area dependent. i.e you live in an afflluent one!! None of my DC's friends expect to do those things every week. In an average (pre lockdown) month they might go to the cinema once, go to McDonalds once, buy a small item from a shop for themselves, and buy a present for a friend. They seem to manage this on a monthly allowance of £35. The rest of the time they go window shopping, go for cycle rides, hang out in each others houses or hang out in the park (i.e things that don't involve money).

I don't spend £80+ a month on myself either.

As a mature student at uni a mate of mine used to give her kids the Child Benefit. She was a single parent & the teenage kids helped out with everything. I thought it was a good idea if you could afford to do this.

I cannot imagine paying a kid to clean their own room, they’re part of the family too & need to muck in with everything.

My DC dint get paid for helping around the house, they do it because we are (supposed to be) a team. If they go above and beyond they might get a reward or if one says they would really like XYZ but dont have enough money for it how can they earn it I will find something for them to do

Lots of different opinions on MN about what is an acceptable level of "work" in the home for teens and older children.

If you are a parent who read to your children, or think it is important to expose them to museums or art or theatre, then housework is (to me) in the same category of life skills. Even if you are the Duchess of Cambridge and your children will never have to worry about ironing their school uniforms.

The skill of planning how to cook a meal, or tidy a room, is the introduction to planning projects for work, to working in a team.

OP, my 3 DC are teens and a 12 year old.
Since lockdown, I divided the house into sections and every section has to have a 5min clean down once per week.
THen there are daily jobs.
Each DC makes lunch in turn, and the older 2 make dinner once, maybe twice a week.
It's no big deal to them.
They do comment that their friends dont have to do the same amount they do at home.
But, they also comment on how their friends need to learn how to make a spaghetti bol or a sponge cake through school- things that are old hat to them.

I dread my DC being the kids that Wearywithteens describes- there is so much self-worth in being able to maintain your own space and have those skills under your belt by 14.
Think of it as being as important as academic homeschooling.

You're on your way to producing a lazy, sexist manchild. NO more money at all, not cutting back, unless it's all up to spec with no quibbling or arguing. My teen that age gets half that and has to pull her weight or it's nothing.

Some weekends he was having £50-£60!

Is this a stealth wealth boast?

Either way, do you want to adopt a 41 yo house-trained daughter, OP?

£20 seems fine. I would expect tidy rooms and their own clean clothes put away, otherwise we have a cleaner and the adults cook / clean around that. Chores around the house are fine if optional to earn extra pocket money but it’s a bit OTT to be expecting them constantly. I think involving them in cooking and gardening is very rewarding for them though.

My 14yo son gets pretty much anything he wants and I don't link it to chores. He hoovers every other day, cleans the bathroom, his bedroom is spotless and he washes his own clothes (and puts it away).

I don't think chores should be exchanged for cash otherwise you get into a place where they will/won't do things for money rather than because they need to be done.

That's a huge amount of pocket money for no effort. I'd cut it back to £5 pocket money and £15 he can earn through Doing his chores

I agree. I would go futher and make it ALL to be earned. Pocket money should largely be earned through helping around the house, and general good attitude. Surely his own clothes and room should be a given, not part of chores - though if he doesn't want to do these things, just let him fester in his own mess.
But if he doesn't do household chores, he has earned £0.

I read this today and thought the chart was a good idea!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/9217960/mum-pocket-money-chart-parents/amp/

My 7 year old matches socks, makes her bed, tidies her room by Saturday and empties the dishwasher a few times a week and she only gets £4.

£20 for doing things he ought to do anyway? Can't believe it!

My DCs did that as a matter of course, and more.

You are spoiling him.