to think my children now have protection from becoming a blended family from my side of things but not my fiancé’s

[Mammabee20]

Hi all, it is a strange one but it crossed my mind this morning whilst I was in the shower and I was checking my second c section scar to see how it was healing that if anything was to happen to my DP ever that I would never go looking for someone else now because I’ve had two previous childbirths, both horrific and both ending up with c sections so I wouldn’t want to meet anyone new and have kids in case something happened to me and I left my existing children with no mother. I wouldn’t want to ever blend finances or mix inheritances with anyone else because I don’t want my kids to go through what I might have to with my half siblings. Dad has quite a lot of equity and he says his half will be split half to his wife and the other half to his 5 kids even though the 2 kids will get their mums half as well & even then they are putting something in the will to say she doesn’t have to sell the house, she can sell the house and put as much of the sale amount into another property without consulting me or my siblings so basically move equity around to avoid us getting any but that is a different story.

My worry when I was looking in the mirror was that that is my choice now to not have any more kids even if we split or DP sadly passed away because my body has been mutilated to give him his two children & I don’t want their inheritance affecting. My worry was that I could never imagine him doing it but what if something happened to me and he then went on to remarry with someone who could carry more children for him and he trampled all over the inheritance we’ve got for the children. I mean we are only late 20’s but DP’s mum is not around and his dad got everything. He doesn’t intend to settle down or have any more children or anything like that (i know he’s had the operation to prevent it) so there won’t be any blended inheritance but how do I know all my hard work of having my body be cut open physically to bring them into the world be ruined just so he can have more kids. He says he wants the same OP as his dad as he knows that when he had the kids he wants then that is what he always planned to do. He says he does not expect me to go through it again as 2 C-sections were hard and the last pregnancy was mentally taxing I had to fight for them to take our son out early because I could sense he was going to die. They wanted to keep him for another 3 weeks and monitor the “situation” the situation being my sons life.

Basically my AIBU is to say I will never have any more children after this with him or anyone else so your children’s inheritance from me as their mother is protected but what promises can he ensure to me that he won’t blend and potentially financially impact our children’s lives?

Is it unreasonable to ask this of him?

I agree with others that have questioned whether you have PND.

Your emotive use of extreme language is odd, as is your fixation of what happens if you die.

Discounting that, YABU - if you are no longer with your DP for any reason (death, divorce or otherwise), its up to him how he deals with his life and cash. You need to take steps you feel you need to protect your “half” for your kids.

If you are concerned about your children in the event that you and your partner both die, you can express your wishes as to who should care for them but that won't necessarily be who they end up with. What you can do is leave money for them that is protected for them, or where purchases need to be agreed by a third party using that money which then cannot be left to others. My grandmother left some money for me which was held until I was 25,unless both my uncle and mum agreed to using it earlier.

I think you need trauma counselling OP. You’ve been through a really difficult experience that made you aware of your own mortality and your responsibilities to your children, and now it seems like it’s manifesting in this specific anxiety. I would speak to your GP about it

Your hospital should offer a birth reflections service where you go through your notes with a specially trained midwife who can answer any questions and go through the chain of events with you and your partner if you or both of you might find helpful.

You’ve been through a lot and are dealing with some big and complicated thoughts and feelings.

Talk to your GP or HV and see what support you could access.

You’ve got two precious beautiful children and they need a healthy happy mum

Personally I don't think it's a given right to inherit ofyour parents their money up to them what they do with it , if my parents sell their house and travelled the world that's their choice
Regarding if you were to split etc then what you dp does you cannot dictate , yes you can be upset but he would be entitled to move on
I do get where your coming from as I had to have a hysterectomy quite young and the thought did go through my mind that I could not have more children but my husband still could if we ever split etc and it felt unfair but nothing I could do about it and I have two healthy children which is more than many

Op it's still really recent from your son being born under traumatic circs, this lockdown is making very few lives easier atm esp with new babies (mine were born Dec) but I really would speak to someone about how you're coping emotionally and mentally.

You love your fiance and he loves the kids. If you don't trust that he'd do what HE thinks is right for them, then you have no future and if your values differ vastly you have no future. But I suspect you DO trust him to do what's best for them and to ir values do align.

But IF the worst happens, aDad who has found love again isn't worse life than a Dad who is lonely for the rest of his life. A step sibling isn't worse than more money when their father dies.

Put money in trust for the if it helps, but none of us know what will happen if x, y and z happens. OK you might know you wouldn't plan a child, but you don't know for certain how you'd feel about having an abortion of the guy you're now madly in love with for example. We can't know the future.

You sound so bitter about your fathers choices.

Is he only a cash cow to you?

Jeepers

@lovepoppy- No he is not a cash cow! He is my favourite person in the whole world to me. He was the first person I thought of before I had a c section. We hadn’t told anyone we were in labour and as soon as I was laid down I realised my dad didn’t know that I could potentially die and he would have to get a phone call telling him that I had died.

I think my worry is that he doesn’t care about us as much as his new family & that in death he wouldn’t make sure we are all protected fairly like he always promised us he would. You tend to get a bit of an expectation when you are always told that.

Anyway if you re-read my original post and a few of my posts after that, my post isn’t even about my dad.

I understand what your post is about. I’m still kind of confused about the entitlement you have towards his money.

My father remarried after my mother died and had two more children. I would never begrudge them a quarter of his estate or whatever no matter what my stepmother left to them as well. It’s not my money.

You seem to equate money with love from your father. That doesn’t seem to be a very healthy attitude

I don’t begrudge my siblings a quarter of the estate at all. I begrudge that the way that is worked out is that we don’t get any equity till my stepmum decides to sell and she can buy a property that costs more or less than the current houses value. The issue is that we get what is leftover from that split in half and then split between 5.

It’s got nothing to do with the money in a way. I don’t care how much I receive or anything. I care about being forgotten about & being second best.

This comes from the feeling that my mum treated me second best my whole life because my twin sister died.

My dad has never treated me second best so my worry is that if something was to happen to him what if we are forgotten altogether. I even have thoughts of my sisters and I being made to sit at the back because we are his previous family, his second best family. My step mum is a lovely lovely woman & she has taken care of my sisters and I since they split and I love her even more than I do my own mother but I worry that what if it is an act and she just leaves us and stops loving us and including us when my dad dies.

I would never want my dad to die and I am not interested in his money. I am just hoping we are acknowledged as being as much of his children as my siblings are

If you split up doesn't mean you can't move on meet someone else and not have kids. You don't have to have kids because your in a relantionship. Secondly you have no right to ask him or tell him to do anything in the event that you both split up. And most people do move on, that's life. Very weird that you feel you are entitled to even ask that!!

Anyway if you re-read my original post and a few of my posts after that, my post isn’t even about my dad.
You say this and it's true your OP is not directly about your Dad but the reason you are trying to control what happens in your own family if you should die does stem from your unresolved issues surrounding your Dad and his second family.

I begrudge that the way that is worked out is that we don’t get any equity till my stepmum decides to sell and she can buy a property that costs more or less than the current houses value. The issue is that we get what is leftover from that split in half and then split between 5.
You say this but in the next post you describe how much you love your Stepmum. If you love her that much surely you must understand that the above is what has to happen to ensure she is provided for if your Dad dies before her. If she is not provided for in this way she could end up with very little money and unable to afford somewhere half-decent to live. This would have happened to my aunty until my terminally-ill uncle changed his will. He had left nearly everything to his children from a previous marriage. The house would have been sold so that they could receive their share and she'd have been left with a very small amount to find somewhere else to live.

I care about being forgotten about & being second best. This comes from the feeling that my mum treated me second best my whole life because my twin sister died. My dad has never treated me second best so my worry is that if something was to happen to him what if we are forgotten altogether.
I honestly don't think this is something you can safely unlock on MN op, it goes too deep.

It reads to me like you have feelings of rejection because of how your mom treated you, which has left you wish abandonment issues. It's unclear if she abandoned you emotionally and physically or just emotionally but clearly your step mom has filled some of that gap.
Your recent birth experience possibly amongst other things has made you thick about your mortality a lot more and by extension your Dad's, which has twisted these fears of abandoned and rejection.
Will my Dad show he never really loved us like his new family
Will step mom show all these years it was just an act
Will DH do the same to our kids? Will my kids have to have these feelings?
What if he abandons me like my mom did, step mom turns her back on me,i lose step siblings etc

I really think you need to talk this through properly

Just to echo the posts here saying I think you should speak to your GP OP. These thoughts seem obsessive and you've just had an awful birth experience, you have a young baby and we're in the middle of a global pandemic. I think you should reach out for support ❤️

You realize, if your father were still married to your mother, your inheritance would work at the exact same way that it is with your stepmother, right? Re house/equity whatnot.

You need to talk to your father or therapist about your feelings. Because there is a lot going on here that I’m not sure you were actually seeing. It sounds like you actually do have a lot of resentment towards your father, your stepmother, and your siblings.

I wish you all the luck in the world.