to think my children now have protection from becoming a blended family from my side of things but not my fiancé’s

[Mammabee20]

Hi all, it is a strange one but it crossed my mind this morning whilst I was in the shower and I was checking my second c section scar to see how it was healing that if anything was to happen to my DP ever that I would never go looking for someone else now because I’ve had two previous childbirths, both horrific and both ending up with c sections so I wouldn’t want to meet anyone new and have kids in case something happened to me and I left my existing children with no mother. I wouldn’t want to ever blend finances or mix inheritances with anyone else because I don’t want my kids to go through what I might have to with my half siblings. Dad has quite a lot of equity and he says his half will be split half to his wife and the other half to his 5 kids even though the 2 kids will get their mums half as well & even then they are putting something in the will to say she doesn’t have to sell the house, she can sell the house and put as much of the sale amount into another property without consulting me or my siblings so basically move equity around to avoid us getting any but that is a different story.

My worry when I was looking in the mirror was that that is my choice now to not have any more kids even if we split or DP sadly passed away because my body has been mutilated to give him his two children & I don’t want their inheritance affecting. My worry was that I could never imagine him doing it but what if something happened to me and he then went on to remarry with someone who could carry more children for him and he trampled all over the inheritance we’ve got for the children. I mean we are only late 20’s but DP’s mum is not around and his dad got everything. He doesn’t intend to settle down or have any more children or anything like that (i know he’s had the operation to prevent it) so there won’t be any blended inheritance but how do I know all my hard work of having my body be cut open physically to bring them into the world be ruined just so he can have more kids. He says he wants the same OP as his dad as he knows that when he had the kids he wants then that is what he always planned to do. He says he does not expect me to go through it again as 2 C-sections were hard and the last pregnancy was mentally taxing I had to fight for them to take our son out early because I could sense he was going to die. They wanted to keep him for another 3 weeks and monitor the “situation” the situation being my sons life.

Basically my AIBU is to say I will never have any more children after this with him or anyone else so your children’s inheritance from me as their mother is protected but what promises can he ensure to me that he won’t blend and potentially financially impact our children’s lives?

Is it unreasonable to ask this of him?

He can't make you any promises. People fall out of love and that is painful but true. BUT, you can take steps now to secure your children's financial future. You can open child savings accounts for them and pay in some money each month. That will build up into a nice sum for them. Encourage friends and family to give cash presents and pay it into their savings. Have you both made wills and thought about who to nominate as guardians if the worst should happen? There are lots of things you can do to prepare for the future.

I see your point, but I'm afraid YABU. In the event you were to split you would have no right dictating what he could and could not do, any more than he would have the right to do that to you.

It's not only unreasonable, it's meaningless, because if you are no longer together for whatever reason, then he's no longer beholden to you or any reassurances he may have made in any way. You sound quite preoccupied with who has what money and who is inheriting it, of course you are quite within your rights to leave whatever money you have to whoever you like, but you can't stipulate who gets your OH's inheritance in the future.

So much in life you cannot control as your OP highlights. Don't dwell on those or you'll tie yourself in knots.

Sort of understand where you’re coming from, but you are being a bit idealistic. Sure he could promise you that now but that’s going to make absolutely fuck all odds if you break up.
By your logic, no one would ever cheat, seeing as when they marry someone else, they promise not to shag anyone else. Promises are, at the end of the day, just words, and you can’t control anyone else’s actions but your own.

Ehhh I sort of see your point but I think you might be a bit fixated on the inheritance thing because of your current circumstances. I don’t think this is something you can really ask of him.

Given you refer to him as a partner and not a husband, he hasn’t given you a commitment now to safeguard your future should he die, so why would you expect him to do that in the event that you separate or that you die first?
If you’re keen on legal protection, start with marriage.
There’s it’s very difficult to safeguard against what happens in the future if there’s a death or separation.

my body has been mutilated to give him his two children

he then went on to remarry with someone who could carry more children for him

What a strange way to describe couples having children together. Did you not want to have children and only do it for him?

I just it’s just the thought that I potentially cannot have any more children now because it is a major risk to my health. I bled out and lost a lot of blood after the c section so I would just hope that out of respect he would not invalidate it by affecting the finances I would have left for our children. We have life insurance policies and no will at the moment (lockdown buggered those plans) and all I can think is do I leave my half straight to the children or do I have enough faith in him to leave it all to him like his mum did with his dad.

He says there is no doubt in his mind that he would go looking for anyone else if something was too happen to me and he certainly wouldn’t make any financial ties with them because he wouldn’t want the children to be affected. It is less about if we split up because that’s not even a thought either of us can have. He says he can tell we have a love like his parents had and he is proud that he has found someone he loves as much as his dad loved his mum. Me on the other hand I worry about loss and separation more either by death or divorce mainly because my parents are divorced and I love my blended family, my stepmum is an incredible woman. She loves my children as if they were her own grandchildren but we all hear horror stories of inheritances and what happens to them. There have been a few comments in the past about what she would give us if something were to happen to dad, usually some bit of money to split between me and my two sisters which wouldn’t be a fair percentage of his equity. Then they talk about leaving the children to one of us if something were to happen to them both but with no money to go with it because it would be in trust for their little darlings.

It is the talk of what we would do if something were to happen to both of us, neither of my parents are elderly by any sense, think 40’s-50’s but I don’t want to leave them to my mum (long story I don’t have the best relationship with her) and if I left them to my dad would any money we left for him and my step mum to look after them go into their pot and then get split between with their equity with their kids.

Are you worried about blended families or inheritance?

If it's inheritance and you already have money which you intend to be the children's inheritance and which is not tied up in anything then you could look at putting it into a trust.

Otherwise make wills leaving everything to the children with the spouse having a life interest in the house but no right to sell it. Wills can be changed but there's nothing else you can do. Promises made now would mean nothig if you did split obviously.

Are you worried because you feel your own father's blended family has short changed you or because your relationship is rocky? You are right that children from the first marriage do very often "lose out" on inheritances as things pass to the second spouse and then his/ her children, but your 50% can be willed directly to your children.

When are you getting married?

Dad has quite a lot of equity and he says his half will be split half to his wife and the other half to his 5 kids even though the 2 kids will get their mums half as well

Well, yes? He is splitting the ‘kid’ half of the inheritance in to 5 equal amounts, because he has 5 children. I imagine the younger two will also inherit their mother’s share in time, but she might leave it all to a cat sanctuary! Presumably the first 3 children (including you) will inherit from your mother when she passes away? They might only be your half siblings but you are all your father’s full children!

And yes, you would be unreasonable to expect your partner to not have any more children if the two of you were to separate. I can understand why you would hope he doesn’t, but it wouldn’t really be anything to do with you, as long as it doesn’t impact negatively on your children. And by that I don’t mean it will cost them money.

but how do I know all my hard work of having my body be cut open physically to bring them into the world be ruined just so he can have more kids.

They will still be your children, even if they end up having some half siblings and inheriting a bit less money. I don’t think your hard work will be ‘ruined’...

YABU, you cannot dictate to him what he can and can’t do in the event that you split up! If you want to protect your kids inheritance then speak to a solicitor.

You can't leave children to people btw.

I'm afraid YABU.

I don’t want to do anything that shows any distrust in him but I just know that these things happen. My blended family is a lovely set up, I love my siblings and my step mum but she is only very young and apparently without seeing it the will reads that there is a life interest in the house and no one can be made to sell it to get money but she can sell it to get another property either less than or more than the current one. If it is less than half is split for her then that is what is split between all children. I know children from first marriages are likely to be overlooked but I just always thought my dad was very protective over these matters and would be more proactive in making it fair. This is a different matter though.

This is about my plans so DP and I were due to get married later this year we have had to postpone and push it all back, guess it gives me more time to fit into my dress nicely but we wanted to get wills done because after my firstborn I got sick so we wanted to be more prepared.

I guess it’s just having to have trust which is difficult when you parents split because of an affair and your dad marries someone half his age but your DP is secure in the knowledge that he had found the one and only one (I’m not sure I fill those boots quite as well as he thinks but the way he looks at me makes me know he thinks it)

but how do I know all my hard work of having my body be cut open physically to bring them into the world be ruined just so he can have more kids.

This is a really weird thing to say. They will still be your children, as they will still be his children, regardless of any potential chances in either of your circumstances.
If you want to ensure your half of your estate is left to your children, and not to your partner, then by all mean, visit a solicitor and organise this.
I do, I have to admit, find it very strange how hung up about this you are, but that you are seemingly okay with having children with a man who has no legal commitment to you at all.

Just read your update re marriage. Ignore that point.

I think the bottom line is that nothing in life is ever truly certain and you will just drive yourself mad thinking of all the what ifs.

You should make a will that leaves everything to your DC, but allowing your DP a life interest in the property (assuming you're home owners). Then he wouldn't be able to cut them out, either accidentally or otherwise. It's the smartest thing to do.

You absolutely cannot say that you'll never have more children. You could fall madly in love with someone who doesn't have kids and you could desperately want a child together, and for that you might very well be prepared to have a 3rd cesarian.

Your obsession with inheritances is a bit odd too.

Put measures in place to protect your children. Get married. Sort out your life insurance. Sort out a will.

I do find it troubling the way that you talk about c-sections, that you have been mutilated by them. I say this as a woman who has also had two c-sections. I also find the way you talk about your partner as strange. If you have had children with this person, have you had these discussions already? Have you not chosen to have children with someone who is on the same page as you about the children's needs coming first before marrying again.

Your obsession with inheritances is a bit odd too

This. If anyone has to go into a care home, houses will have to be sold and savings run down to the point there will be nothing left to inherit. It’s very strange to be so focused on an inheritance that might never exist

I think your head's all over the place. You think it would be undoing all the sacrifices you made of your ravaged body if the children then didn't get money off their dad?

You need to concentrate on giving your children what you can control - a loving nurturing environment which will help them become loving confident independent adults who have been able to access all the available opportunities for their lives. With any luck this will mean that the inheritance from their grandad that you appear to have more than half an eye on will be a nice little extra rather than something they've spent their lives depending on.

You need to discuss your finances with a solicitor then have him/her draw up your Wills according to their advice.

During lockdown, they can do this by phone and email discussion (one of my sons did exactly that, just a couple of weeks ago; covering assets, trusts for the children, and a formal guardianship for the children should both parents die.)

Do not attempt to save money by writing write a DIY Will .

Gobsmacked that anyone is saying anything other than YANBU. You are absolutely right to consider this scenario OP. It may be unlikely, but the circumstances you describe sadly can and do happen all the time and cause financial hardship as well as heartbreak (and are well documented on mumsnet, which is why I am so surprised at the general response). You should take legal advice regarding how to set up your will appropriately to ensure that your assets cannot pass away from them in the event of your current partner remarrying on our death.

Are you particularly rich o/p? Or have a big pension lined up?

Because chance are with govn’t and private pensions going the way they are you’ll need every penny to live on and there won’t be any meaningful inheritance.

In the meantime get yours and dp’s will drawn up. For you the best solution might be to keep all your finances separate, so you can at least leave your half to the kids. Marriage will make a massive difference to that btw, as everything then becomes “joint” and unless you specify otherwise everything will go to the surviving partner.

OP, are you all right? You've just had a baby and it sounds like it might've been traumatic and you're sort of fixating on what your DP will do when you die... Do you think you might have PND?