to think my children now have protection from becoming a blended family from my side of things but not my fiancé’s

[Mammabee20]

Hi all, it is a strange one but it crossed my mind this morning whilst I was in the shower and I was checking my second c section scar to see how it was healing that if anything was to happen to my DP ever that I would never go looking for someone else now because I’ve had two previous childbirths, both horrific and both ending up with c sections so I wouldn’t want to meet anyone new and have kids in case something happened to me and I left my existing children with no mother. I wouldn’t want to ever blend finances or mix inheritances with anyone else because I don’t want my kids to go through what I might have to with my half siblings. Dad has quite a lot of equity and he says his half will be split half to his wife and the other half to his 5 kids even though the 2 kids will get their mums half as well & even then they are putting something in the will to say she doesn’t have to sell the house, she can sell the house and put as much of the sale amount into another property without consulting me or my siblings so basically move equity around to avoid us getting any but that is a different story.

My worry when I was looking in the mirror was that that is my choice now to not have any more kids even if we split or DP sadly passed away because my body has been mutilated to give him his two children & I don’t want their inheritance affecting. My worry was that I could never imagine him doing it but what if something happened to me and he then went on to remarry with someone who could carry more children for him and he trampled all over the inheritance we’ve got for the children. I mean we are only late 20’s but DP’s mum is not around and his dad got everything. He doesn’t intend to settle down or have any more children or anything like that (i know he’s had the operation to prevent it) so there won’t be any blended inheritance but how do I know all my hard work of having my body be cut open physically to bring them into the world be ruined just so he can have more kids. He says he wants the same OP as his dad as he knows that when he had the kids he wants then that is what he always planned to do. He says he does not expect me to go through it again as 2 C-sections were hard and the last pregnancy was mentally taxing I had to fight for them to take our son out early because I could sense he was going to die. They wanted to keep him for another 3 weeks and monitor the “situation” the situation being my sons life.

Basically my AIBU is to say I will never have any more children after this with him or anyone else so your children’s inheritance from me as their mother is protected but what promises can he ensure to me that he won’t blend and potentially financially impact our children’s lives?

Is it unreasonable to ask this of him?

I find it odd that you are worrying so much about future rights whilst having two children with a man to whom you are not married. I would take out a life insurance policy and name your children as beneficiaries. Yoy cant control if other children from either of you will exist down the line.

also you cant know that your DP will get anything from his dad. Because his dad MIGHT get swept off his feet by someone who is only interested in marriage and, if he didnt update his will, the wife would get everything if he then died. Or he may just spend it all living his best life.

You cannot count on anything. We dont know what life has in store

I agree that you sound like you are losing perspective. I wonder if pp is right about mental health.

There are many ifs here. If you die first, which is not the most likely outcome in general since women tend to live longer. If you not only die first, but at an age where your partner is still prepared to start a family again. If those things happen, and your partner meets someone he could settle with. If all that happens, and this person he could settle with wants and is able to have children. If all that is in place and your partner agrees and they do have a child. If all that happens, and there is an intact inheritance to pass on. If all these things occur and there is disagreement or discontent about the inheritance. Phew. That was a struggle to even hypothesise.

I really would not give this any more thought OP, other than when you do make a will, think if you want to ensure anything you leave goes only to your dc or is in trust, and take legal advice on your options.

I think you're basically UR for the reasons stated up thread.

BUT I know several men who've split with wife 1 after two kids, and gone on to have more kids with wife 2 (usually younger). In contrast, I don't know any women who've done this.

I don't think it's something you should (or indeed legally can) ask DH to promise not to do. But I do believe that many more men than women do this, and often the older kids miss out: not so much in inheritance, but in time, energy and financial support while their dads are alive.

I did have a oh my god I could have died and nothing has been sorted and put in place movement when I had my baby in January. I lost a lot of blood and doctors came rushing in and my son had been whisked to NICU because he was 8 weeks premature and it’s just made me think I could die and my children could potentially not have a mum and no financial security because their dad may meet someone else. My body being scarred just reminds me every time that I look at them that I could have done something to my hurt my daughter in order to have another child and now I know I would never ever do it again because I would not to think of leaving both of them behind in order to have another children. They were both wanted, the first was unplanned but wanted and the second one was very much planned and we very nearly lost him so it’s been hard. I know for definite I will never ever have another because looking at my son and daughter now I couldn’t think of doing anything that could potentially mean I would never see them again.

I just know that their dad has that option and those choices. Don’t get me wrong I probably made it sound like we aren’t on the same page or anything. I mean the world too him and he means the world too me, he told me for the first time the other day how he felt so lost when I was fighting for our son to be born alive and healthy and he couldn’t do anything than I bled out in front of him and doctors rushed in and he thought he was going to potentially walk out of the hospital with no son or fiancée and that broke my heart to hear.

This is all very intense. It's a bit weird that you are getting so tied up in knots about this, and no, you can't ask your dp to never have anymore children if your marriage doesn't work out. How on earth do you propose to make sure this never happens?

It’s not a case of if we split because I never see that happening. It’s a case of i die or something

OP, without knowing you or what you were like before having your near death experience in January, I feel you are struggling with mental health issues. Not surprising as you and your child were in a bad way. May I kindly suggest that you speak with your GP and arrange for some therapy to resolve the issues as you level of anxiety over this topic is not normal. And I mean this kindly and without judgement. x

I honestly have no idea why you’re thinking about this. If I die I want my dh to be happy. If that means remarrying then so be it. I trust him to put our son first in any decision he might make about marrying again or having more children.
I don’t have a substantial amount of money so I have no concern re inheritance. I want my ds to have enough money to go to uni if he wants to and not to have to limit his choice based on cost, or if not uni to at least afford to move out into a flat of his own, but that’s about it.

OP YABU.

Get married and sort out your wills ASAP. You can't control the future to the extent you are trying to. Don't you trust your fiancé to look after your children if you died?

My Dad has a second family with a huge age gap between his children. He isn’t wealthy but has tried to help us as much as possible especially with his own young family. We had an open conversation and he has said in his will it would be split between his wife and now all adult children- pre 18 the majority would have gone to his second family but obviously not the case now all over 18. If the worse was to happen the house goes to his wife and any money (which isn’t much) split between us all.
Obviously I’d much rather my Dad alive! He has always been open and honest and to fair it’s his money to do with as he pleases - inheritance shouldn’t be expected however frustrating it may feel or unfair. His wife is a lot younger than him and could remarry but couldn’t imagine her leaving hers and dads younger children out - who knows!
It’s better not to expect anything, I’d just enjoy the time after bloody covid to spend together!

Get married. Make a will. Get some counselling. Live your life.

all I can think is do I leave my half straight to the children or do I have enough faith in him to leave it all to him like his mum did with his dad.

I think you should will your half to your children.
There is no reason why you can't write a will. You can contact a solicitor during lockdown. I've been working with two solicitors during lockdown - one dealing with my parents' estate. He's been working all the time from home but is available on the phone or by email.
The other solicitor, in the country I live in, drafted my will for me during lockdown (telephone and email discussions). Once it was finished I was able to go to his office (wearing facemasks) as lawyers were allowed to continue to work under certain conditions through the lockdown.
Get a solicitor and make a will to protect your children. The solicitor can advise as to whether giving your DP a life interest in any joint property would be a good idea.

The second thing is, I wonder if you might need some counselling for the trauma of the C sections. The way you talk about them and about having children in general seems very odd to me.
Also I wonder if the situation with your Dad and your half-siblings is affecting your thoughts. You seem to be very afraid of your children "ending up" in a blended family. You can't control what your DP does if you were to die and it would not be fair of you to try to make him promise not to remarry and have more children.
Also, there is sadly no guarantee that your marriage will go the distance. He might meet someone else or you might. Or you might find there are "irreconcilable differences" meaning that the marriage ends.

You cannot control what he decides to do. You also cannot control the future - anything can happen.
What you can do is put things in place to protect your children as far as possible and you can also work on yourself.
I think you do need some help coming to terms with your past otherwise this is going to continue to colour your future.

You sound quite obsessed with inheritance. You or he may go into a nursing home and leaving nothing to your kids. Surely people don't live life thinking about who is leaving what to who?

It is less about the money and inheritance, it is the feeling of that is it for me now, I have been cut open twice and now all I want to do is protect our children. I just want to know that he would definitely put our children first in any circumstances even if it meant not meeting anyone else and having more children

It might do you good to talk this through with a counsellor or something because you’re worrying disproportionately about something that will probably never happen.

Why do you seem to think there’s something wrong with your step mother continuing to live in her home after her husbands death? That’s the way it should be. It’s normal for children not to inherit until both parents are gone. That will include step parents sometimes, especially when the step parent has had a long marriage and children with the deceased. If you want to leave everything to your children then you can.

I've had one traumatic birth (placental abruption resulting in EMCS) and I lost the plot for a while until I was diagnosed with PND. My obsession however was that were it not for medical intervention, my dc would have died, so I was convinced that the grim reaper was going to come get her if I took my eyes off her for one split second as he didn't get her the first time round. In hindsight I can see that I was in a bad place, but at the time it felt like a very real and logical concern to have. I did CBT and started antidepressants (with anti-psychotics thrown in for good measure) and I got back to myself when I got back to work when she was 6 months old.

I say this as a back story to why I'm also of the belief that you may have a touch of PND. For that, have a telephone conversation with your GP and consider that perhaps you may need some therapy. A de-brief after a traumatic birth is something I wish I had done too. It would have made me feel less out of control of events I think. Can you ask your community midwife to look into something like that?

Second point is that they are relatively legitimate concerns (all of the above aside) if there is considerable money at play, but I feel you've received enough sound advice above re your options. Just ring around solicitors in the morning and get wills/life insurance sorted and that's one less thing to worry about.

PS Your body isn't mutilated. You're still whole and beautiful with 2 beautiful children to show for your scars. The scars to your mind are a little bit open now though, but I think it's a fairly typical reaction if my own experience is anything to go by.

So. Two things for your To Do list tomorrow. Ring GP. Ring solicitor.

Hope you feel more relaxed soon.

I just want to know that he would definitely put our children first in any circumstances even if it meant not meeting anyone else and having more children
You can't expect him not to meet anyone else if you were to die before him (nor if you were to split up).
What you can do is protect your children's inheritance by naming them in your will but you should ensure that your DH (as he will be by then) is able to continue to live in the property and won't end up homeless.
My aunty would have been in a similar situation with her DH who is terminally ill - he has children from a previous marriage - but the will has been changed now.
There is a lot to consider here and it's not all about you and your children's inheritance. There's your DH to consider too and that he is provided for if you were to die.
Also you seem to want to stop him meeting someone else and having children with them. You can't prevent this. You can't ask him to promise you this that or the other. If you really love him you would want him to be happy again if you were to die and this could well mean him remarrying.

You do need to talk this through with a counsellor. It seems like your horrible experience with the emergency c section and the bleeding has traumatized you. You might even have PTSD.

It is less about the money and inheritance, it is the feeling of that is it for me now, I have been cut open twice and now all I want to do is protect our children. I just want to know that he would definitely put our children first in any circumstances even if it meant not meeting anyone else and having more children

You can't help how you feel.
But your request is unrealistic.

You could separate. Nothing is ever for certain.
It would be tragic but you could pass away while he is still young. He could meet a childless woman fall in love and they decide to have children.
He can not make you the guarantees you want. And if he does they are not binding.

Do you think if you deprecate and he creates another family you will have any say?

As others have said, get legal advice and protect what you can.

Traumatic birth and you are wigging out. Been there. Done that.
GP. Counselling.
Things will look very different once you get past the trauma.
If you keep haranguing your partner in an unhinged attempt to get him to legally disclose he wouldn’t have more children in the event of your untimely death, you run the risk of endangering your relationship.
Please get some help for your mental health. These thoughts are reactions to trauma and you need to deal with the trauma.
Then yes, get married, sort out wills, and forget about what may never happen.

I do understand what you are trying to say. It's not just about money though is it I suppose, it's about the 'first family' disappearing into the background whilst the 'second family' takes centre stage. If I'm honest DH sounds to have had quite a tough childhood as the child from the 'first family'. We have both said we wouldn't remarry or have children with anyone else but at the end of the day I can't control what happens in the future and what will be will be. Although DH has talked about a vasectomy when we are 100% done so I know he is quite serious about not having children with anyone else if we should split.
You're still in the midst of hormones right now, enjoy your baby and when everything is settled have a serious conversation with him. I assume you plan to marry soon? Otherwise depending on your circumstances you may have larger issues than this to worry about if you split.

I too think this is displacement worry due to trauma. You were worried your son was going to die, you were worried you were going to die. You sound as though you can't switch that worry off and it has completely taken over your thoughts.

Definitely see your GP.

Mutilated is a strong word, I understand I've just had a c section and it is a big deal

I think this is about the trauma, and it might be worth thinking about counselling for that. What you're asking for doesn't really make sense. If you were to die at a young age etc etc wouldn't you trust him to make good decisions for the children? And that might not mean staying single and never having more kids? That might mean that your children grow up in a happy loving family, with a happy, loving father maybe with younger siblings. Would that not be worth more than a larger share of any potential inheritance? Which is unlikely to be much anyway if you die young-unless you're very rich? You can make a will to ring fence your money for them and skip your husband, but it's possible it'd make their lives worse in the meantime isn't it? If for example they have to stay in the same house until they are 18, that doesn't allow their dad to make the decision to move eg for a better job, or for family support or whatever it is. I'd be really upset if my husband didn't trust me to make good decisions for our kids even if he wasn't here anymore. Different if you separate, but you could reassess then.