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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my children now have protection from becoming a blended family from my side of things but not my fiancé’s

91 replies

Mammabee20 · 07/06/2020 15:41

Hi all, it is a strange one but it crossed my mind this morning whilst I was in the shower and I was checking my second c section scar to see how it was healing that if anything was to happen to my DP ever that I would never go looking for someone else now because I’ve had two previous childbirths, both horrific and both ending up with c sections so I wouldn’t want to meet anyone new and have kids in case something happened to me and I left my existing children with no mother. I wouldn’t want to ever blend finances or mix inheritances with anyone else because I don’t want my kids to go through what I might have to with my half siblings. Dad has quite a lot of equity and he says his half will be split half to his wife and the other half to his 5 kids even though the 2 kids will get their mums half as well & even then they are putting something in the will to say she doesn’t have to sell the house, she can sell the house and put as much of the sale amount into another property without consulting me or my siblings so basically move equity around to avoid us getting any but that is a different story.

My worry when I was looking in the mirror was that that is my choice now to not have any more kids even if we split or DP sadly passed away because my body has been mutilated to give him his two children & I don’t want their inheritance affecting. My worry was that I could never imagine him doing it but what if something happened to me and he then went on to remarry with someone who could carry more children for him and he trampled all over the inheritance we’ve got for the children. I mean we are only late 20’s but DP’s mum is not around and his dad got everything. He doesn’t intend to settle down or have any more children or anything like that (i know he’s had the operation to prevent it) so there won’t be any blended inheritance but how do I know all my hard work of having my body be cut open physically to bring them into the world be ruined just so he can have more kids. He says he wants the same OP as his dad as he knows that when he had the kids he wants then that is what he always planned to do. He says he does not expect me to go through it again as 2 C-sections were hard and the last pregnancy was mentally taxing I had to fight for them to take our son out early because I could sense he was going to die. They wanted to keep him for another 3 weeks and monitor the “situation” the situation being my sons life.

Basically my AIBU is to say I will never have any more children after this with him or anyone else so your children’s inheritance from me as their mother is protected but what promises can he ensure to me that he won’t blend and potentially financially impact our children’s lives?

Is it unreasonable to ask this of him?

OP posts:

YinMnBlue · 07/06/2020 16:39

You need to make your will do that your half of the estate goes to your kids, and make sure that your pension beneficiaries are your kids.

However you will need to make sure your DH has enough money to look after them. Life insurance is a good idea, including a policy that pays off your mortgage if you meet an early death.

There can be provision for your DH to live in your half of the house until the youngest is 18 of 20 or whatever.

funinthesun19 · 07/06/2020 16:40

All you can do if you ever split up is focus on what you give to them and do for them. If that means having no more children then that’s fine if you’re happy with that.

But what you can’t do dictate to him what he does. He could have more children with a new partner and that would be ok too.

Shamoo · 07/06/2020 16:40

In my view, you are sort of being U and sort of not being U.

I dont think its unreasonable at all to have worries about ensuring your children are protected in the future if anything happens to you, and making sure that is covered in a will. It's still possible to do a will during lockdown, you just do by conference call and email (we are sorting ours this way now). Seen enough people lose out because of decisions with second families to think it is fair you want to avoid this.

However, you are being a bit unreasonable with some of the messaging around it. If your husband were to die, for example, you may meet somebody new who already has children, and therefore create a blended family that way. Or you may actually reflect in 10 years time and realise you could have another child (e.g. if you met a new man, accidentally got pregnant in 10 years, are you saying now categorically that you would have an abortion - if so, I suspect thats a bit naive). You don't know that for sure, whatever you think now.

You also can't expect your partner to make promises now about a future that he has no idea over. You could cheat on him and leave him (not saying you would, but its possible) and you can't expect him to make and keep a promise that he would never have another child now.

Best thing to do is to prepare your will - now - so that you are totally comfortable that if you die your kids will be protected. That is all you can (or should ) do.

doodleygirl · 07/06/2020 16:43

This is quite honestly such a fucked up way of looking at life. Get on with your life, be happy. If you inherit marvellous, if not so what. The same for your kids.

JustC · 07/06/2020 16:44

ThePlantSitter might have a point OP. Your train of thought does sound a bit worrisome and fixated on something that might never hapen.

villamariavintrapp · 07/06/2020 16:47

Yeh I think maybe give it a bit of time, you say your scar is healing so I'm guessing you've recently had the baby and things might look a bit different in a few months. There seem to be lots of different issues here. Your body will heal, both of you can still change your minds and have more children in the future if you wanted. Lots of people think they're done then their circumstances change. Your language about this is odd though, did you want kids? If you separated or died you wouldn't have a say in his decisions about this. In fact even if he has a vasectomy, he could later have it reversed. You won't get any guarantees about that. Regarding your finances, perhaps it's worth discussing your options? But skipping him and leaving your money only for your children is complicated.

ChipotleBlessing · 07/06/2020 16:47

This worry could be entirely solved by writing a will.

Ellisandra · 07/06/2020 16:53

Seeing a solicitor could sort out a lot of this, but may I gently suggest that seeing a doctor might help too? You have a lot of quite strong and emotive language here and sound very anxious.

Mumoblue · 07/06/2020 16:59

It's kind of morbid to be speculating over your kids future inheritance and be feeling threatened by extra kids your husband doesn't even have.

mumwon · 07/06/2020 16:59

go to a solicitor & make a will they will advise you the best way to do this

Soontobe60 · 07/06/2020 17:01

There's absolutely no reason why you and your dp can't write your wills now. Will writing services are falling over themselves to do it online.
There's absolutely no guarantee that your DF won't change his will, or even have any money to leave when he does die! And why shouldn't his wife still live in the house they are presumably now living in?

No one is entitled to any inheritance. Justvsee it as a bonus if and when you do end up inheriting.

Proudboomer · 07/06/2020 17:02

Your dads will is more than fair so I can’t see why you are bringing that into your issue.
Everyone with children should make a will so get that done and stop worrying about something that has not happened.

LouLouLoo · 07/06/2020 17:07

If you look at inheritance as a bonus rather than a right then it make life much easier.

Your Dad can do what he likes with his money. You can do what you like with yours. You cannot tell your husband what to do with his body (more children) or money should you separate for whatever reason.

Jeleste · 07/06/2020 17:07

My parents made a will that states when one of them passes, the other will get everything. Us kids dont get our share yet (we had to sign this).
They did that because they would have to sell the house and move if one of them died and their equity went to us children. The will also states that if the parent were to remarry, they have to pay us kids our share of the inheritance to avoid us losing it to further children.
You can maybe see a lawyer with your DH and they can advise you on the best option for your situation.

Sally872 · 07/06/2020 17:09

For me our money, house etc is mine and my husbands. If he died first and I had all sorts if conditions attached in case I didn't think of our children i would be very hurt.

If i die first I don't want life to be any harder for my husband. He can do what he wants with our money. And I am confident enough he won't forget about the children.

VivienScott · 07/06/2020 17:13

You can have your estate put into trust so it goes to your children. He could carry on living in the house if you died but technically your half of it would immediately belong to the children.

Alsohuman · 07/06/2020 17:18

@Jeleste

My parents made a will that states when one of them passes, the other will get everything. Us kids dont get our share yet (we had to sign this). They did that because they would have to sell the house and move if one of them died and their equity went to us children. The will also states that if the parent were to remarry, they have to pay us kids our share of the inheritance to avoid us losing it to further children. You can maybe see a lawyer with your DH and they can advise you on the best option for your situation.

I very much doubt you had to sign anything for your parents to make perfectly standard mirror wills.

MrsSpenserGregson · 07/06/2020 17:20

Take out a life insurance policy in your name only, and name your children as the beneficiaries.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 07/06/2020 17:24

As PP's have suggested, wills can alleviate so much of this worry. Look into getting them drawn up as soon as you're able.

What people promise now isn't always what they do in ten years time. If you think it prudent to protect your DC financially, do that. Mine are protected if I die before DH while they're children because it's just sensible. It doesn't mean I don't love DH, it just seems practical to leave what I want them to have directly to them.

Sarahandco · 07/06/2020 17:25

Bold: I mean we are only late 20’s

Forget about inheritance and live your life!

LoneLoner · 07/06/2020 17:28

No you can't reasonably expect your partner to promise you that he won't go on to have further children. He may say it now but if you did split, you couldn't hold him to any promises he made when you were together. Feelings change, people change their minds, things happen. If you were to split he'd be perfectly entitled to make his own choices.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 07/06/2020 17:31

@doodleygirl

This is quite honestly such a fucked up way of looking at life. Get on with your life, be happy. If you inherit marvellous, if not so what. The same for your kids.

Agree with this in so many ways.

Your dad could spend all of his money before he dies, and that would be totally fine, nobody is entitled to inherit from their parents.
You and your partner are only in your late 20s and your children are very young, why are you worrying about what they will inherit in hopefully 60 or 70 years time? Even if you have money now, you don't know what life holds and you may not have any left to leave them when you die.

Again you are only in your 20s, if you were to die and in time your partner met someone else (whilst still only in his 30s), you expect him to tell any future life partner that he'd promised you he wouldn't have any more children. That in itself would be unreasonable enough, but to add that the reason was so that his current children did not have to share any inheritance from him when he dies is ridiculous, as is him owing it to you, because you had to have c sections to 'provide' him with them.

DarkDarkNight · 07/06/2020 17:33

I think it’s something you can’t make any guarantees or promises about. Life happens. When you choose to have children with someone you can’t predict the future and you can’t expect them never to move on in the event you split up. Take any legal steps you can, but a lot is out of our hands.

You sound upset about your future inheritance from your dad but in reality nothing is guaranteed. People live longer, he and his wife may have extensive care needs in the future.

fruitbrewhaha · 07/06/2020 17:34

I think asking your DP (soon to be DH) to promise you he will not have any children with his next wife, because it's not fair as you can't, would potentially lead to that scenario playing out. You are not even married yet and you are already worrying about his life after you divorce.

OP you are overthinking this. Even driving yourself a bit mad.

SunshineCake · 07/06/2020 17:36

I don't get the relevance of whether your have anymore children or not with him.

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