To feel depressed as a black mum

[Mamathebest]

I have a lovely two year old boy. On occasion since giving birth I have pondered about his future here in the UK. At the moment with everything going on it just brings it to the forefront. In 8 years time I have to accept that people and those in power will look at him as a potential “thug”, “criminal” and use these as excuses to treat him less than a human. He will be stopped and search many time’s and have to deal with the degradations that come with this. He won’t have the same opportunities or support as his white peers.

At some point I I’ll have to explain to him and teach him to be very fearful of police. And at the same time try to do my best to keep away from drugs/gangs/crime that is rife in economically disadvantaged communities who have little government support. Our black boys are set up for failure. There are no second chances once you make a mistake because there’s barely a chance to begin with. I sometimes wonder if I should just leave the U.K all together really.

I just wanted to get this off my chest and see if other mums out there might feel the same way.

Yes, I agree too. What happened to George Floyd is unforgivable but I really wish we had the same attention towards black on black knife crime.

You are definitely not alone in feeling this way and your feelings are completely valid and an accurate reflection of what is going on, especially right now. It seems societal progress is at best excruciatingly slow, and at present it feels like the world has gone completely backwards. Whilst you are feeling depressed right now, I hope you can see that your feelings of depression reflect just how deeply you care about your son and the wider community.

OP, I can't say anything that will make you feel better about this situation (I am a white woman) and I can't sit here and say "oooh I understand". Because I don't.

I just want you to know that I see you, respect you and honour you. The aim of these protests is to try to pass further legislation to stop this barbaric treatment of Black people in this country. I was protesting in my home city on Wednesday.

Just know that the majority of the population are on your side, as much as it doesn't feel like it without abhorrent government. There is an uprising throughout the world and we stand with you through it.

I think a lot of depends where you live. I’ve NEVER ever taken any notice of the colour of someone’s skin. I’ve had friends from all different backgrounds all different races my whole life and same goes for anyone else I’ve been friends with or we wouldn’t have been friends! I’m sorry you feel like that, but we do not ALL think like that, I promise. Those that do, are the lowest. Also I have noticed it’s a generational thing, your son may not have the same problems you have faced and I hope not too

I’m a black mum of a boy and feel exactly the same as do all of my friends in the same position.

It’s so depressing.

@buildingbridge there any many community initiatives regarding knife crime many led by black people, I know because I used to volunteer in this area.

There are also many marches and protests but it’s rare that it makes media attention.

The issues surrounding knife crime are quite complex and in my opinion needs to be treated like a public health issue as Glasgow did when it was the knife crime capital of Europe.

@buildingbridge

Yes, I agree too. What happened to George Floyd is unforgivable but I really wish we had the same attention towards black on black knife crime.

Whataboutery. Would you go on a thread from a poster worried about her dd’s potential for developing breast cancer because the family have the BRaC gene (analogous to this situation)? To say what about young women’s developing breast cancer because they’re overweight or drink? @Mamathebest, I hear you, however I do think things are moving in the right direction and that your son is less likely to be racially profiled as he grows up than were he born a generation ago.

Hugs to you OP. Hoping things change x

I’m so sorry OP. I haven’t got anything to say that will help, because I too am white and can’t possible know what it’s like. I can try to imagine of course, and look at my own little boy and imagine how it would feel.

Maybe the best thing we can do is bring up our own children to recognise, question and call out racism wherever they find it? And to do the same ourselves of course.

I never thought about this until I was raving to a black friend about a holiday in Florida we had been on and enthusiastically recommended she should go. She said, "I've three teenagers, one of them is autistic, what do you think could potentially happen if he kicks off in public and the police are called?" I realised with that one question how much I don't have to consider in my every day life as a parent, because I am white. I can't give any advice I am afraid but feel for you.

I can't say I understand. But I want to say that I hear you. And will continue to listen and fight for you and your son. And raise my son so that the next generation is better.

I don’t know where you live, and I realise that has an impact, but where I live there is little reason to feel like that. I’ve lived here my whole life (57 years) and I can think of only one instance of racism, which was stamped on hard. I hope you soon feel more optimistic xx

I agree with you. Its disgusting and weing on so many levels but I dont know the solution. I guess it's just to educate people one by one but that really shouldn't be your job. Other peoples prejudice should not be your problem. That's the problem with the world, there are all these efforts to raise awareness and just nothing ever changes.

@Mintjulia

I don’t know where you live, and I realise that has an impact, but where I live there is little reason to feel like that. I’ve lived here my whole life (57 years) and I can think of only one instance of racism, which was stamped on hard. I hope you soon feel more optimistic xx

Bless you, I’m sure your heart is in the right place but if you’re white, you’re really not best placed to comment on any racism you’ve been around in the last 57 years. If you’re BAME I’m delighted and shocked.

I’m sorry OP. I can’t imagine how it must feel to look at your beautiful boy and have all those worries.
I hope things change.

It must be exhausting to be worrying about this already and I am so sorry you have to.

My husband's family is from the Caribbean, my family is English and we have two daughters. They have been picked on in the past for being too black, too white, not black enough. It is so hard trying to help them navigate all of this as mixed race girls.

My god sons are black teenage boys and the worry their parents have on a daily basis I would find so difficult to cope with. Worrying every time they leave the house if they will come back safely, they are in a not so nice part of London.

We have just decided to cancel a holiday next year to Orlando as my husband would be worried for his safety.

I hope George Floyd's death will help to bring about permanent change here and in the US so your son has a better future.

Yes, I agree too. What happened to George Floyd is unforgivable but I really wish we had the same attention towards black on black knife crime.

@buildingbridge That completely missed the point and says everything Whilst it is a complex social issue, what is a knife fight between two white people called? I'll leave you to to ponder that.

Etinox What?

OP's concerns are valid. But I am not sorry for highlighting the fact about knife crime- specifically black on black crime. So please do not even try and sweep it under the carpet. It is a huge problem in our minority. I wish the attention of George Floyd would open up broader discussions about what is going on in our community... as well as protesting about BLM... what about protesting about the Government do something about knife crime? Especially and I'll say it again black on black crime. What about the government do something about giving our black children opportunities.

Our children, like OP said, are destined to fail. I fear what's going to happen to my child when his grown up. To be honest, not only am I worried about the racism he will induce, I'm worried about him getting involved in gangs or worse, be involved in a knife incident.

I don't understand how you feel.
It's the black on black knife crime in gangs that I would be worried about more than the police in the UK. The stabbings in London are mainly gang related or some innocent person that were mistargeted by gangs.

I wish more would be done to target gang culture and knife crime.

White mum here, I can't begin to understand the worries and concerns that black mums have for their children.

I do, however, pray that only good can come from this movement coming to the forefront of all our minds following the cruel and tragic murder of George Floyd in America.

I hope that enough good will come of it, that you won't have to worry for your boy so much.

I hope that he is blessed with a happy and successful life, you too OP.

BLACK LIVES MATTER xxxx

I would try and keep an eye on the data over the rhetoric on the issue.

Pissedoffpartner Black on black crime is a metaphor. But most stabbings happen between black boys, that's a fact. I don't care how you want to look at it.

LongTailSammie 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

I think where you live has a huge difference to what people experience. I live in a sleepy Cotswold village, very very almost non existent crime, I think how your treated depends on where you live. I’m ex police, I can honestly say I’ve never ever witnessed an episode of racism while at work from colleagues, but like I say, when your crimes are sheep worrying, dog poo and a bit of theft it’s a completely different experience to being in London for example. I can’t say I understand how you feel, it must be heart breaking but please know not all police are like that and they shouldn't be made to feel that we are all racist as it’s simply not the case. There are people who are police offices that are racist just the same as their are teachers/doctors/accountants too.

The data on the experiences of black people in the criminal justice system isn't great but it's not really comparable to America. Imo social class is a far greater determinant of systemic disadvantage than race.

Thank you all for the lovely words of support in these difficult times. I live in inner London. Although London is a melting pot I think the racial divide in terms of economy and life expectancy pretty bad. I’ve experienced loads of racism in my life. I won’t go into more of the disturbing incidents but not too long ago my teenage brother was seriously assaulted by two grown men on his way home from the shops.

I’m talking serious physical damage. He initially refused to talk to the police as he felt “They won’t take me seriously, so what’s the point?” I actually encouraged him to do it as I felt something like this can’t be ignored. The police had no regard at all. In fact they were more interested if he was a member of a gang or selling drugs (both of which is ridiculous). In the end they walked away and I heard one of them utter to the other police offer “probably in a gang or something”. No charges were ever filled although this happened in broad daylight with CCTV footage. The men casually walk around our home area and my brother has to see them constantly.
It broke my heart to see my brother being proven right. The same police officers who attended are the same ones who stop and search him regularly. And people wonder why young black men have no faith in the judicial system or the police.