To feel depressed as a black mum

[Mamathebest]

I have a lovely two year old boy. On occasion since giving birth I have pondered about his future here in the UK. At the moment with everything going on it just brings it to the forefront. In 8 years time I have to accept that people and those in power will look at him as a potential “thug”, “criminal” and use these as excuses to treat him less than a human. He will be stopped and search many time’s and have to deal with the degradations that come with this. He won’t have the same opportunities or support as his white peers.

At some point I I’ll have to explain to him and teach him to be very fearful of police. And at the same time try to do my best to keep away from drugs/gangs/crime that is rife in economically disadvantaged communities who have little government support. Our black boys are set up for failure. There are no second chances once you make a mistake because there’s barely a chance to begin with. I sometimes wonder if I should just leave the U.K all together really.

I just wanted to get this off my chest and see if other mums out there might feel the same way.

I’m the same as Waitingforboristoletusfree. I think it’s a lot to so with your area. My school friends have said their experiences of racism started outside of school as they grew older.

My teen DSs go to an all boys school. The diversity is great. My DSs have a mixture of friends from all backgrounds and countries and they all mix well. As far as they are concerned their friends are exactly that and it’s all about who you get in with and who makes you laugh and not about what you look like, religious beliefs, sexuality etc. Let us hope that these children ALL stay this way and carry this to the next generation.

That was meant to say who you get on with

Oh hugs op, it must be depressing at times.

Maybe things will change for the better soon. Change is painfully slow but it does seem to come in leaps. No progress for ages then a big change, maybe this is one of those times. It does feel like things have been moving backwards in recent years though. Do you have positive black role models around him op?

I am a white mum and so will never understand what it is like to walk in your shoes. However I will be an ally, I will listen, I will support, I will engage and speak up and do better. I will educate myself, my children and the people around me so that we can all do better. I hope the tide is changing and that your beautiful son will not have to grow up in a world that judges on the colour of his skin.

Why would you be so accepting of this fate for your DS? You’re contemplating leaving the UK, why not relocate to an area in the UK with better schooling and less likelihood of him getting involved in gangs, drugs etc?

Why teach your DS to be afraid of the police? Why not tell him that he can achieve anything, and could join the police, become an MP or become a lawyer to bring about change?

The London law firm where I work has lower entry requirements for BAME candidates to encourage them to apply, and it’s not the only one.

The London law firm where I work has lower entry requirements for BAME candidates to encourage them to apply, and it’s not the only one.

I'm not sure that's a good thing.

OP, I don’t understand why you want to teach your son “to be fearful of the police”.

Where I live, there are scores of underpaid, under appreciated police doing their best to stop crime, to which (in my area) young black men are disproportionately victim.

Wouldn’t it be better to teach your son to respect and support the police and help them combat drugs/gangs (etc)?

Hi OP. I stand with you. I have a black 14 yo son and recent events have rendered me speechless and beyond sad.

He's a gorgeous, bright academic whose teachers still calllout his sporting and dancing ability (he can't do either) but completely ignore his amazing grades, politeness and helpfulness. In a drama lesson where everyone had to act out a career, he got thief whilst others got doctors, lawyers etc.

He's now shot up in height and I worry that he'll just be seen as another black boy with no potential. He'll be stopped by the police for no reason at all and he isn't street smart because I don't let him out.

I sit on the board of my company, I bring him with me to work to show him, but more importantly my colleagues that I expect the same if not more from him. He absolutely believes he can achieve all I have and more.

But everyday is a fight. Why the fucking hell should it be?

I'm a white mum and I can't know what your experience is but I am listening and learning. I don't think your post is defeatist. I think it comes from a place of pain and bitter experience. I'm so sorry that you have these burdens on top of the usual joys and sorrows of being a mother.

I hope we are in a period of rapid change. I don't know why now when there has been so much brutality caught on camera before, but perhaps people are now more ready to take action, listen and learn.

The racism in inner London may be more overt but moving to the countryside or leafy suburbs is not the magic solution that some suggest. I've lived in cities with racist graffiti and loud mouth yobs shouting racial slurs. Now I live in a small town where racist attitudes are more casually placed into otherwise polite conversation. A colleague once said over coffee 'we are still deciding where to go on holiday, but my husband won't go anywhere with too many blacks or arabs.' Yes. I called her out on it, but she couldn't see the problem.

I hope this generation makes a huge change in people's thinking. You shouldn't have to contemplate moving countries or area when the change needs to be in education and attitudes.

@EnoughAlready2020 what the actual fuck...a thief!! I hope you spoke to the school about this and I hope other parents did too (I know I would have) how is that a career?! I completely despair with people at times

Well, thanks for stereotyping all white people and police with the same brush.....

My heart breaks for black mums who are fearing for their babies. I can only hope that these protests can bring in a real change.

I dont think colour blindness is the way forward, as it clearly doesn't work, it just allows unconscious bias to go unchallenged. As a mum of a 5 month old son I've been thinking about how to bring him up not as just "not racist" but "anti-racist".

Oh god I pressed the wrong button I am so sorry. Of course you ANBU. I am white. It’s heart breaking to hear from black parents about what it is like to have these conversations with their children. I can’t imagine having to live that reality.

@mamathebest
I can never imagine what it is like to walk in your shoes, but I do feel very angry at how black people are treated. I just don’t understand how being black can incite such disgusting feelings and actions by some people. The video of what happened to George Floyd shocked me to the core. How on earth anyone could think it is acceptable is beyond me. Why didn’t someone stop it happening? Just as I can’t comprehend why anyone from any minority is treated as less than a white person. It must be utterly terrifying and soul destroying to live like you do with the constant worry. It is clearly still such a big problem across the world and I really don’t blame anyone for protesting even during Covid. The acts of violence are such a small part of the protests and highlighted above all the peaceful acts because that is what the press do.

I think the best places for avoiding racism are the ones that are affluent but diverse and where there are a mixture of people from many different backgrounds and religions and countries rather than one or two groups pre-dominating.

As a white woman who grew up in East London people have shared their racist views with me many times. It was particularly bad at army cadets and when I worked in a pub.

I've always found it to be at it's worst where people have separated themselves out into separate groups.

The majority of people who have shared their racist views with me over the years have been working class. Just an observation not a value statement.

I live in quite an affluent area now and there doesn't seem to be overt racism. In the 13 years I have lived here not one single person has taken in upon themselves to share any racist or even anti immigration ideas with me. It was one of those places that voted remain heavily.

However I can definitely imagine feeling excluded. I actually think anyone that doesn't come from a certain sort of english upper middle class background probably feels excluded or like they don't fit it. I do myself to a certain extent.

If I had mixed race children I'd prefer to live somewhere more diverse than where I live at the moment but I would pick this area over the East London of my childhood.

@Laaf80 I think once the boys got into sports and hobby groups they were able to connect to other parents a bit better. But there were lot of forced smiles/laughing it off when people were rude/ignorant.

The parents' careers took a hit. One does a very long commute. From the outside, seeing these lovely, happy boys it seems worth it.

I am white so I will never understand but I have small children and it saddens me that you have to worry about this for your little one. I hope things will be better and I do honestly believe that today’s generation of children will be much more accepting and kind.

I really feel for you, OP. I have been thinking about how it would feel to be a black person in Bristol having to walk past that statue, or what it would be like to be a black mother right now. I think I would find some of the things I’ve seen and read unbearable, to be honest. I have felt very upset, and I am a white person with the luxury of looking at all of this in a much more theoretical way.

So thank you for sharing your feelings and experience. I don’t have any answers. All I would say is that your feelings seem like a perfectly rational response, and it’s probably healthy to allow yourself to feel them. The poster who said this

But every day is a fight. Why the fucking hell should it be?

I think put it well in terms of so much more being expected. Fighting is very tiring. Maybe just letting yourself feel sad and angry for a little while would help.

Thank you to those who are understanding of the despair. @EnoughAlready2020 Nailed it, I’m tired of fighting and I know my DH is too and we don’t have the worries that many others have due to education/money.

A dad once described to me how he had to put armour on his son as he walked out, then on return desanitise him and pile him with love and reassurance. Though I guess that’s the same for many folks.

Like others I have great hopes for my lad and am already trying to instil determination and pride in him. He isn’t even two and already I’ve had it bet he will be an athlete/footballer/singer comments 🙄

@CourtneyLurve see I don’t want to put my my family son in a position of having to deal with the constant humiliation of ignorant/rude comments any more than I already have to.

And thinking about it in London we are sheltered somewhat from comments such as ‘but where are you really from’ like I got last year in centre parcs.

*I don't understand how you feel.
It's the black on black knife crime in gangs that I would be worried about more than the police in the UK. The stabbings in London are mainly gang related or some innocent person that were mistargeted by gangs.

I wish more would be done to target gang culture and knife crime.*

This

@Notejode Have you read through this thread and the multiple posts which have addressed this point?

Hmmm. So black parents can only be concerned about one thing? Do you want us to shut up and stop worrying about our children being discriminated against?
What makes you think that the black community (and others) are not trying to do something

We’ve already given the advise to tell our kids to stay away from gangs and drugs, do you think we put a six blade and a bag of weed in their play pens?