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AIBU?

To have nothing left to give after working full time and homeschooling during lockdown

144 replies

Littleblackdress04 · 07/06/2020 12:43

I’m fucking exhausted and feel emotionally empty now after nearly 3 months of it all.

I have a demanding job & 2 kids - DP goes out to work as he’s a keyworker so it’s me holding everything up. I know I am lucky to still have a job etc but I do feel so totally exhausted.

My youngest DD who is 8 just wants to be with me all day every day & thus it’s hard getting to separate out my time for work. Older child is hitting puberty.

I feel like I am holding everything together but constantly feel like crying/ screaming. DP isn’t much use it turns out & hasn’t been emotionally supportive at all.

Aibu? I feel bad for saying I have had enough but I have really had enough!

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

282 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
4%
You are NOT being unreasonable
96%
LivingThatLockdownLife · 07/06/2020 15:04

It's not mental health support that's needed though is it? It's practical support, most of which has been taken away!

No nursery, school, playdates, playgrounds, playgroups...

Yet again mothers have been set an impossible task and told it's our fault for failing at it

corpsebrid3 · 07/06/2020 15:05

^^ this

Maranello4 · 07/06/2020 15:06

Sending you a Brew I also hear you, I felt like this a few weeks ago. What’s helping so far is that I’ve pushed back at work so others are helping me (and has also addressed the issue that I was overloaded in the first place, whilst others were quiet) and lowering expectations on how much home schooling I can do. Small things like having a bath, so I have a little time to myself. I don’t know where you live - anyone who is a key worker here are allowed to send their children to school and this has been the case since lock down. Could this be an option for you?

MindyStClaire · 07/06/2020 15:07

@LivingThatLockdownLife

It's not mental health support that's needed though is it? It's practical support, most of which has been taken away!

No nursery, school, playdates, playgrounds, playgroups...

Yet again mothers have been set an impossible task and told it's our fault for failing at it

A thousand times this.
Bellesavage · 07/06/2020 15:08

Same. DH works 7-7 locked away in an office. I've been home schooling and looking after baby as my mat leave finish we during lockdown and now nursery won't take us so I'm having to wake at 4am to try to do some work before baby wakes and then work once both kids have gone to sleep for a few hours. It's not sustainable. I haven't had any time to veg apart from holding the baby to sleep when I get to zone out for 2 mins

WeAllHaveWings · 07/06/2020 15:11

Everything needs to give a little.

ds does some school work in the evenings and at weekends with me or dh to catch up and has time off midweek while I am working and not able to support. He doesn't always manage it all but he's doing enough in the circumstances.

I start work early, let ds sleep a bit later, so I can finish early or take a longer lunch and if not too hot go for a walk with dc and the dog to get everyone outside for a bit.

Your dh cannot use the excuse he is out to not get involved in school work or supporting home life.

JoMumsnet · 07/06/2020 15:17

Sorry to interrupt your thread, LittleBlackDress04, but we just wanted to post some links to organisations which may be able to give some support to anyone who's struggling with family/work/life issues during lockdown.

Mind.org has put together lots of information on Coronavirus and your mental health - please take a look.

The NHS also has a page on - Coronavirus - looking after your mental health with lots of useful tips and support.

@TadlowDogIncident - we're so sorry that you're struggling. We've sent you an email with some more support links so please check your in-box.

For anyone who needs support right now, please get in touch with Samaritans - you can click on the link, or email them at [email protected], or call them, any time, on 116 123.

Take care, everyone. Flowers

GPwife2411 · 07/06/2020 15:20

OP, you have my sympathy. Homeschooling 3 primary-aged kids, looking after a 9-month-old, working full time. DH a doctor, at work long hours, including some weekends. Feeling completely spent.

I have been contemplating taking up the key worker places for my oldest 3 but the school have been very clear that the places aren't meant for families like ours, with one parent working from home, and I know they would resent me for the rest of the children's time at school if we did take them up.

GettingUntrapped · 07/06/2020 15:26

It's so shit and there is so much suffering.Maybe we need to organise massive protests.

GrumpiestOldWoman · 07/06/2020 15:28

OP this was me a month ago, I was really struggling to function. I tried to focus on what I was able to do rather than being worried about what I was failing at, every day I got out of bed was a success, every child fed was a success, every email answered, no matter how minor, was another small success.

I really came on to say that it did eventually pass though, my circumstances haven't changed but I've had about 10 days now of feeling more like my old self and feeling less daunted. It might feel like you've hit a brick wall OP but you have to believe you will get over it and things will feel better soon. Flowers

I'm expecting there'll be another wall along soon but I know that it won't stop me forever, I'll just try to be kind to myself until I'm over the top again.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 07/06/2020 15:35

Flowers to all of you struggling. no young DC here to home school. I dont know how you are all managing it.

bookworm14 · 07/06/2020 15:37

Yet again mothers have been set an impossible task and told it's our fault for failing at it

This this this. Even on mumsnet, supposedly a supportive place for parents, we are told that if we or our children aren’t coping with this impossible situation, it’s our fault. Another poster told me she felt sorry for my daughter having such an over-anxious mother when I posted that DD needed to be back at school for the sake of her mental health. Any suggestion that lockdown is difficult is leapt on and you are told you don’t care about people dying. It has to stop.

Praiseyou · 07/06/2020 15:39

I'm with you. I have hit a wall today. Sitting on the sofa while dc (3) builds a fort and dh is in bed because he's on nights.

There's loads to do around the house that I should get done before work again tomorrow but I just can't.

Siameasy · 07/06/2020 15:43

Yanbu
I’m part time, DH full time-both key workers doing shifts..the shifts keep changing at the last minute as DH is a police officer. So I feel permanently stressed out by that. School are full up so we can’t send DD (hadn’t sent her so far but made the decision to do so next week only to be disappointed).
I’m sick of DH, sick of the same old arguments with DD, sick of being touched (God forbid DH tries - I have told him to leave me alone)...I adore DD but I just want some peace. No more noise.

Littleblackdress04 · 07/06/2020 15:46

Thanks @JoMumsnet for all the links xx

OP posts:
Xenia · 07/06/2020 15:47

I am not happy that this has been allowed to happen. I didn't even support lock down or school closure. It is unfair on parents.

If I were married to a key worker I would certainly be insisting the school took the children. secondly I would hire even if it took 100% of my salary someone like a sixth former to come to the house for say 4 hours a day in the morning or make my husband do that - yes many men find childcare.

KeepWashingThoseHands · 07/06/2020 15:49

Same here OP

I don't have a mental health issue, I have a mission impossible issue. Same as many people and watching a video on resilience or reading strategies for coping isn't going to help me. I'm resilient as they come.

Full-time (and some) job at the best of times that got busier due to cuts. Plus homeschooling. Plus can't get deliveries as those are rightly reserved for others so any 'help' I might have had is gone.

Work are sending emails with links to support mental health, saying do what you can etc. - and they are flexible to a point but also continue to ask the impossible.

I'm in a SLT role and know how this works with regards to decisions and the way conversations go. If you think females/those responsible for children are not going to be at a huge disadvantage in the workplace you are extremely naive and I'd consider I work for one of the 'good guys' in a safe (ish) industry.

Hollyhobbi · 07/06/2020 15:52

Op my sister is the same. She has 3 boys, 12yrs, 10yrs and 19 months old. She's trying to work 4 hours a day from home, home school and mind the toddler. Her husband works mornings and evenings in health care. Her creche was supposed to open at the end of the month for children of front line workers. She got a text to say it won't be opening now until the 20th of July. It was her next door neighbours that were the worst problem though. The girl that lives there is a student. Her parents moved about 200 miles away. Herself and the boyfriend are getting €700 a week between them as they had part time jobs pre Covid. It's party central in that house every night. Last night my bil called the guards on them. At least 5 party goers legged it out the door when the Gardai arrived. Leaving the young one and her boyfriend and their poor lodger in the house. The lodger has to be up at 8 every morning for work. Another thing that might help is that the €350 they were each getting will be reduced to €203 on 29th June! In fact the one thing my sister doesn't miss is her commute which averages an hour and a half each way!

WotsitWiggle · 07/06/2020 15:52

I hear you OP. My H is working from home, has said several times he's not very busy, and yet all domestic duties and schooling are falling to me, who is also working full time from home and IS busy.

If I ask him to check DD is doing her school work one day because I have calls and meetings, he'll stick his head round her door every couple of hours meaning she does fuck all.

Another 6 weeks of this.

ShinyBeans · 07/06/2020 15:55

I feel you all. Single mum. Children are 1, 6 and 8. None back at school as school couldn't fit Year 1's in as well as reception. Working 30 hours from home and trying to keep up with home schooling.

Boss keeps snapping at me that she doesn't think I'm doing anything, but she decided to start a large and complicated project in addition to my usual workload at the start of lockdown and I can't do it. I can't keep up with anything anymore.

I was working in the evenings and weekends at the beginning but 1 year old DC has been ill constantly since having his jabs a month ago. He just cries all day and all night. Ex DH takes them 2 days a week but he's been struggling and suicidal so they often come home early.

When I do get a day free I just sleep for 18 hours now. I'm completely spent. The kids aren't going to go back to school now, are they? That realisation, that we're now looking to September and things still won't be "normal" is what's broken me, I think.

My boss has set a 4 week deadline for the project now. I would need to work 50 hours per week. I'm managing about 25. There's no down time for me. We are so bored of doing the same walks to the same places.

TadlowDogIncident · 07/06/2020 15:58

I don’t have mental health issues, I’m in an unsustainable situation and I can’t provide my DD with what she needs. I don’t want to talk to Samaritans and be given soothing platitudes about my feelings, I want the situation to change and then my state of mind will change too. I agree with the PP who says we have a mission impossible issue and we seem to be invisible to those in power.

TadlowDogIncident · 07/06/2020 16:00

Suicide is sometimes a rational choice.

TacosTuesday · 07/06/2020 16:14

@TadlowDogIncident - my partner experienced an anxiety crisis early in lockdown. Talking to someone helped him see a way through and they provided specific strategies too. There's the SHOUT crisis helpline, 24/7 - free text to 85258 in the UK to text with a trained Crisis Volunteer if you prefer to text rather than talk. You're not alone.

JovialNickname · 07/06/2020 16:15

I too have really hit a wall this week, and that's without childcare issues to contend with. My heart goes out to all of you on the thread who are really suffering. It is too much, we are in the fourth calendar month of this now. I can only hope that it is truly the case that it's "darkest before dawn" and that from the 15th of this month things will start to get slowly and steadily back to something resembling normality.

If anyone is in SW London and just needs a hand with childcare/housework/whatever for a couple of hours I would be very happy to help out.

TheExterminatingAngel · 07/06/2020 16:20

It is shocking to read this. It's bad enough having lost my job and my entire income thanks to lockdown, and bad enough having my teenagers doing absolutely nothing at home when they should be taking public exams. It's bad enough being stuck in a tiny box of a house with them, while everyone just becomes more and more fed up with one another. But Heaven help anyone who is supposed to be WFH and looking after babies/toddlers and supervising school work.

It is an absolute disgrace. Even just one woman with children in a position of governmental power would have been able to see this coming. The damage will be catastrophic. Yet nobody is listening.

Angry

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