Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you send flowers for this?

49 replies

KangarooAtTheZoo · 07/06/2020 11:48

Bil's fiance was in a car crash. Car written off. Sore neck and back. Nothing broken. Mil is demanding we send her money to send her flowers. If we don't she will demand to know why we don't.

I'm getting sick of the constant demands and reminders though. Like demanding we send thank you cards to people for baby gifts a few days after we got home from hospital after I had surgery after giving birth and we were barely getting sleep. I didn't get any get well texts never mind cards. Inlaws didn't even ask how I was when they visited. Mil even tries to pick out birthday gifts. Even tries to demand we send gifts to people who don't send them in return. Like my DH's aunt she tried to get my dh to buy her a 50 pounds makeup set when she doesn't even send my dh a card sometimes. And trying to get us to send flowers to a family friend who had been in hospital. It's getting expensive as birthday and Christmas gifts can't just be 5 pounds. They expect at least 20-30 pounds per person. Sil once huffed at some expensive 20 pound mascara because we didn't get her that plus the 40 pounds foundation she asked for.

Ops kinda went on a rant but I'm sick of inlaws demands. Was posting to ask do you send flowers to someone who had a car crash?

OP posts:
MamaGee09 · 07/06/2020 11:51

I would message her but I wouldn’t send flowers, I also don’t bow down to demands off of other people!

I’d have lost my temper and given mil what for by now, she needs to take a huge leap back.

ECBC · 07/06/2020 11:52

If MIL wants to send her flowers fine, why does she insist you do too? She sounds v overbearing. It’s your money.

Elouera · 07/06/2020 11:53

What does your DH say about it all? Does he think this is normal behaviour? Even IF you wanted to get a card/flowers etc, WHY would you need to do a group thing with the MIL??? Do your own thing. This is ridiculous.

If I was very close to BIL's fiancé, I'd likely call to see how she was. IF she'd been really unwell, then I might have sent a flower and card myself, but certainly not the group thing MIL wants!

Shamoo · 07/06/2020 11:58

Sounds very annoying. Just go back factually and strongly. “Thanks MIL, we have messaged sil to wish her well, but won’t be sending any flowers. Hope all is good with you. Speak soon x” then done. On the presents “Thanks Mil we already have a plan for this year, but appreciate the suggestion” or “thanks Mil but Aunt and Dh don’t exchange gifts so we won’t be sending anything” and then reiterate over and over again. Have had to do this in the past.

Windyatthebeach · 07/06/2020 12:01

Don't send money.
Don't engage into why not.
Oh and mil never had my mobile number.. Made for a much less stressful life.
Leave dh to deal with her.
Every time.

Original poster
KangarooAtTheZoo · 07/06/2020 12:03

MamaGee09 the amount of things mil has done and I have almost picked up the phone to give her what for.

Elouera dh thinks her behaviour is mostly normal (except the telling us not to have a child, but he still never said anything). Trying to get him to set boundaries when them is a never ending battle.

OP posts:
PeppasMuddyPuddles · 07/06/2020 12:05

People sent me flowers when I had a car accident similar to your SILS. It was lovely & made me smile, but I would never have expected it.

What @Shamoo has posted sounds reasonable and should get the point across without making it a massive issue.

Destroyedpeople · 07/06/2020 12:06

It's really not normal....
Find a line that fobs her off and repeat til fade....
'That doesn't work for us 'Is useful.... do not apologise though .

chatwoo · 07/06/2020 12:06

No flowers and cut back on other gifts, or just give the same generic chocolates/wine/whatever gift to each couple at Xmas and something small for birthdays. Or just stop completely if you're feeling brave enough Grin

Etinox · 07/06/2020 12:07

I pressed YABU in error. There’s a word for this- can’t remember but something about vicarious do going and reflected glory. It’s also meddling and boundary broaching.

Flappingflamingo · 07/06/2020 12:09

Why did she tell you not to have a baby????

Original poster
KangarooAtTheZoo · 07/06/2020 12:09

Shamoo thanks, good replies, I'll definitely use some of them.

OP posts:
MrsKin90 · 07/06/2020 12:10

I'd refuse to contribute and expect your OH to sort his mother out. It is overbearing but will continue until something is said as I also have one of these MILs although has been much better since we had a frank discussion and we both said no to something she wanted. She's a bit of an angel now in comparison.
Could you start pre-empting these things? Obviously not the car crash unless you're a wizard but maybe for birthdays send a card ahead of the game and when she tells you what to do say 'we already sent a card' or 'we are sorted thanks'. Pick out gift cards if you want to do presents and send them before she can consult you about anything.

imsooverthisdrama · 07/06/2020 12:13

Only if you want to ,
It's a nice gesture to cheer someone up but nobody has to send flowers for anything.
A message even a card is just a nice .
I certainly wouldn't want someone to spend money on me if they were told .
If someone sent me a nice text that would be enough, but your in-laws sound very grabby so no .

Original poster
KangarooAtTheZoo · 07/06/2020 12:14

Flappingflamingo because she is very controlling and hates to see my dh as an adult I think.

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 07/06/2020 12:15

I might send a card or note if I knew the girl well, but I wouldn’t send flowers, as too expensive and I’m not really involved.

Lots of young adults have problems with doing things simply to please their parents or in laws. They haven’t moved on in their relationship from Parent/Child to Adult/Adult, and still see the parent or in law as being in charge and so they do what the parents tell them to.

It can be a scary leap, to begin interacting with your parents on an adult and equal level, especially if the parent wants to remain in control, as here.
But it is a leap that you have to take, or you will be doomed to years of frustration and misery as you struggle to fulfil MIL’s unfair expectations.

TheGinGenie · 07/06/2020 12:15

I had a similar sounding car crash and while flowers would have been lovely I would have been very surprised and never expected them. Your MIL can send flowers if she likes but it's not on to be pressuring you to do so (plus flowers are expensive!)

Itwasntme1 · 07/06/2020 12:15

I would send flowers for this. But me - myself - because I like sending people flowers. I even send myself flowers sometimes.

But I wouldn’t demand others contribute.

Windyatthebeach · 07/06/2020 12:17

If you want to send flowers then do so from you and dh.
Your mil isn't the only one able to order online is she?
Would she even write your names on the card??

OldEvilOwl · 07/06/2020 12:29

You need to put a stop to this or she will carry on. Tell MIL to keep her nose out

Nanny0gg · 07/06/2020 12:33

dh thinks her behaviour is mostly normal (except the telling us not to have a child, but he still never said anything). Trying to get him to set boundaries when them is a never ending battle.

So, you have a DH problem...

LillianBland · 07/06/2020 12:33

I’d send her a message saying something along the lines of “what a good idea. What was the name of that lovely flower shop that you used went you sent me flowers, when I was ill after my surgery” Then wait for her response. 😁

BackforGood · 07/06/2020 12:55

Whether or not any of us are 'flower senders' is irrelevant. The point is, you choose how you respond.. It might be flowers, or a card, or (in normal times) a visit, or a text or a phone call, or nothing at all, but the point is, it is what you do to respond.
Your MiL getting you to finance what she does to respond is what makes it somewhat meaningless in terms of - in this case - your BiL's dfiance feeling loved or not.

Haven't voted as not really sure of the question.
I wouldn't be paying for your MiL to be sending flowers (or all the other gifts)
I would be in touch with the poor lady who has been in the car crash (though potentially it wouldn't be sending flowers). However, I would be doing that from us not part of some big group. That sounds like getting flowers from colleagues at work, not a personal concern from a friend or family member.

YellowMystery · 07/06/2020 12:56

Ignore what MiL says and do what you want.

P999 · 07/06/2020 21:43

Ugh. She sounds awful. I had an even worse ex MIL, who am not in speaking terms with anymore (horray!).

Swipe left for the next trending thread