Would you send flowers for this?

[KangarooAtTheZoo]

Bil's fiance was in a car crash. Car written off. Sore neck and back. Nothing broken. Mil is demanding we send her money to send her flowers. If we don't she will demand to know why we don't.

I'm getting sick of the constant demands and reminders though. Like demanding we send thank you cards to people for baby gifts a few days after we got home from hospital after I had surgery after giving birth and we were barely getting sleep. I didn't get any get well texts never mind cards. Inlaws didn't even ask how I was when they visited. Mil even tries to pick out birthday gifts. Even tries to demand we send gifts to people who don't send them in return. Like my DH's aunt she tried to get my dh to buy her a 50 pounds makeup set when she doesn't even send my dh a card sometimes. And trying to get us to send flowers to a family friend who had been in hospital. It's getting expensive as birthday and Christmas gifts can't just be 5 pounds. They expect at least 20-30 pounds per person. Sil once huffed at some expensive 20 pound mascara because we didn't get her that plus the 40 pounds foundation she asked for.

Ops kinda went on a rant but I'm sick of inlaws demands. Was posting to ask do you send flowers to someone who had a car crash?

[0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h]

I might send flowers but I'd never do what you're being asked to do. That's very controlling.

[022828MAN]

YANBU, noone should demand what other adults choose to do or not do. I'm seeing this policing of behaviour and thought more and more recently. Has it gotten worse or am I just becoming more aware of it?! Either way, it needs to stop.

[Honeyroar]

Ordinarily I might, but in this situation I wouldn’t. I’d bluntly tell MUL to butt out of our lives and stop dictating what we need to do. If she grumbles point out you don’t have that kind of relationship- nobody sent flowers when you were recovering and you’re glad, because it means you don’t need to either and stops the pressure all round. And bloody stick to it. Then go a step further and put a £10 limit on birthday/Xmas presents so grabby sil can’t get greedy!

[billy1966]

Block her number and tell your husband he has to deal with his mother from now on.

Why would you entertain this.

Your husband sounds like a wuzz.

Nothing would kill my adfection quicker than seeing my partner bossed about by his mother.

So unattractive.

He's your real problem.

[june2007]

To send flowers would be nice. But to be forced to send flowers is not nice. If you want to send your own.

[KangarooAtTheZoo]

022828MAN her behaviour has always been like this. I just started to notice it more in the past 5 years.

Definitely have a dh problem. He thinks it's normal behaviour as he is used to it. No matter how many times I tell him it isn't. I show him the mumsnet replies and parts of the toxic inlaws book to try to show him their behaviour isn't normal.

Would definitely love a 10 pound limit on gifts, but certain people (mil and sil) will sulk or throw a massive tantrum. Sil sulked because we would not let her stay the night before our dc's christening (because she would expect a 3 course meal and to be waited on hand and foot). She was sulking at the christening and started to laugh loudly when my dc stated to cry during the christening. She would throw a tantrum and scream outside the bedroom door to make sure you didn't refuse to get up at 7am on Christmas morning to watch her open her gifts (I had to put my foot down and stopped going on Christmas eve). I have never met a grown adult more childish.

[Lweji]

I’d send her a message saying something along the lines of “what a good idea. What was the name of that lovely flower shop that you used went you sent me flowers, when I was ill after my surgery” Then wait for her response. 😁

This

[grapesofbath]

"MIL, we can manage our own gift- and card-giving." Every. Time.

If people kick off at presents/amounts, "You're being incredibly rude to say our gift is not enough." Every. Time. But personally after a couple of these I'd add "...so I am no longer getting you gifts, as I'm just met with rudeness."

[P999]

You're in a difficult position OP, but you need to stand firm. I allowed my boundaries to be eroded by this kind of bullying and manipulation and the eventual explosion wasn't pretty.

[Stella8686]

The adult SIL used to stand outside the door on Xmas morning at 7am telling you to get up up to watch her open presents? WOW! Did I read that right???

MIL has raised two non-functioning adults with dependency and boundary issues. Probably a lot more issues, they won't see it!

Perhaps mirror these traits to your husband and when he asks you why your acting unreasonably tell him that the behaviour of your SIL and MIL

They won't change but maybe your husband will see it.

I would start a pattern of distancing be prepared for years from them at some point.

You can love someone (DH to MIL) without having to show your love in the way they want to receive it!

[RuggerHug]

If nothing comes back/is mentioned are you sure she's not just keeping the money? Tell her you're giving gifts/cards directly from you from now on and you won't do group ones with her.

[KangarooAtTheZoo]

Stella8686 yes for 5 Christmases I had to wake up at 7am because Sil was screaming at our door to wake up. I have never met a more entitled childish adult in my life. She once screamed at DH's bedroom door to clean the toilet so she could use it. Thinks everyone should just drop what they are doing to suit her. Very grabby with gifts. Definite boundary issues. You can't cross her boundaries or privacy but she can cross yours and tantrums and sulking if you say no.

[HellSmith]

Just stop all gifts op, it's getting ridiculous when people start making demands on you like that, cheeky bitches! Tell her straight that you are not doing this anymore.

When my DS became a GM every time she went shopping she'd buy her GD a gift, & she dared suggest stuff for me to buy her too. I just gave her the look & she shut up, plus she really spoils her GD & nothing I ever bought would ever be good enough. She got stuff on her birthday & Christmas form me & I felt that was enough. I've stopped it all now though as I'd ask if they'd had the card or gift & they'd say they couldn't remember. So I thought I'm wasting my time here, plus they never remembered my birthday.

[saraclara]

"MIL, we can manage our own gift- and card-giving."

Yes, that, consistently every time.
I went through this with my own mother. She still does ask me to send random people get well cards etc, even though I haven't seen them for decades. And I still say the a similar phrase to the above.

[FrenchBoule]

Omg OP.
Let your DH grow a backbone and deal with his DM himself.
As for your SIL- I’m trying toimagine the mouthful I’d give an adult screaming at me.
I would’t budge an inch and fall out would be bliss

[luckylavender]

I might send flowers if wanted to. But I'd send them myself.

[Alsohuman]

I’m a flower sender but that’s because I like doing it and it’s my money. Coercing someone else into doing it is crazy.

[YouDirtyMare]

Wow, just wow....

[Likefootball]

I wouldn't send flowers for this, let alone because someone else told me to.

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

Mil is demanding we send her money to send her flowers

I'm not a flower sendy person so I really doubt I'd be sending flowers for this (sweets, wine, books, cheese on the other hand... might send something like that as a cheer up). But if I did want to send flowers or anything else I would send it myself, not send money to my MIL or DM or anyone else, because I am no longer a child.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

No I wouldn’t be rewarding bad behaviour. I used to. But have been around too long to do it now.

Has your SIL ever sent you flowers? When you gave birth for example.

[Soubriquet]

See if I was close to the person, I would probably send flowers.

If I only knew slightly, I would send them a message.

Don’t pander to her and start to stand up to her

[woollyheart]

Sounds like MIL likes to appear generous but with someone else paying for it. Sending flowers would be nice if you usually do that sort of thing, but they might appreciate a get well message directly from you more.

[0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h]

I think you can give a gift without expecting someone else to contribute. Just give a smaller gift.