Husband invited First Wife to m-i-l lockdown funeral

[Trumpetpants]

Just that really. She hasn't seen m-i-l for nearly 40 years, they live in the same city.
And because of Covid numbers are limited. They did exchange birthday and Christmas cards though.
I think that people whom she saw regularly and family members should have priority because numbers are limited 😥

A funeral is for those grieving. And those grieving most are those who should have priority when numbers are so small. It's not just about the person organising things. There are elements of my husband's funeral that I wouldn't normally have chosen. But his mum had lost him too, and I knew that those things would help comfort her. Likewise there was a reading that I knew his sister would like. It's important to consider others.

I'm pretty sure that there will be six people hurting at the loss, more than DH's ex. So yes, OP should try to explain that to him.

I'm sure the ex would also be horrified to find that a sister or grandchild had been left out in favour of her. That's a terrible position to put her in. Maybe he should think of that too.

He can invite whom he likes.

I don't think that's necessarily true. In normal times, a funeral service is a public event to which anyone can come; you don't issue invitations.

When places are limited, I think that people organising who is to come shouldn't have totally free rein. The first priority is who the deceased would actually want to be there - and unless OP's MIL had a really small family and social circle, on the face of it it really isn't likely that she would rather her ex DIL of 40 years ago would really have priority over close family members.

Sorry minty 5r point I was trying to make, clearly poorly, was Of your sister passed away and only ten people were allowed at the funeral would you be okay with your nephew choosing his ex wife to attend if it meant you couldn’t

If I felt that way it would be up to me to speak to my nephew about it. Not up to his wife to decide what should happen.

Where is OP claiming a right to make the decisions on this? Why is she not entitled to have a view, and to express it? Other issues apart, she is going to have to help deal with the fall-out if there is a massive family row about her husband's decision.

I would also be heartbroken if I had to speak to my nephew to remind him that I was grieving my sister and should be at the funeral.

I don’t think OP is being unreasonable or interfering - or trying to decide what should happen. Asking her husband if he realises the implications of his actions is reasonable, and surely what all spouses would gently do in these circumstances?

‘I know your mum was fond of Jane, and Jane will be so sad to hear the news. But if you invite Jane to the funeral, it will mean either auntie sue or one of our children can’t attend. Or me😊. Is that what you intended?’

This only works if the husband is an only child. If he has siblings or if his mum has a living partner then it isn’t just up to him.