Husband invited First Wife to m-i-l lockdown funeral

[Trumpetpants]

Just that really. She hasn't seen m-i-l for nearly 40 years, they live in the same city.
And because of Covid numbers are limited. They did exchange birthday and Christmas cards though.
I think that people whom she saw regularly and family members should have priority because numbers are limited 😥

[quote Euclid]@1Littleweed I am somewhat bemused as to how you would be so involved in organising your own funeral and who attends it.[/quote]
This isn’t unusual. My grandmother has Had hers planned for years. She would be massively upset if significant people were not given priority and there would defiantly be a ‘pecking order’ of who would be there. No one from 40 years ago would be given priority over children, grand children, siblings and dear friends.

If it is limited attendees I’d imagine there will be a bit of upset at some ones ex of 40 years ago who hadn’t seen them in four decades would be given priority of someone who has spent the last 40 years being in a close relationship with the deceased.

So YANBU I think it’s a bit off tbh and I’m sure it will be raised.

@PerfectPenquins

It's likely that had a lot more contact than your aware of especially living in the same city they could have met up regularly or spoke on the phone often without you knowing as your mil dosnt need to report to you. It's your DH who feels she should be there and he will have his reasons so that's what should happen.

Perfect, setting aside the second wife issue, would you say this to the sister of the deceased or the grandchild ho might not be able to attend the funeral?

I think people have got too caught up with the first one second wife drama and aren’t thinking about the family.

I would be so cross if my nephew prioritised his ex sore over my attendance at my sister’s funeral. It should not happen, and I would go to ends of the earth to make sure I was there.

Did they get on well all those years ago? Perhaps MIL thought a lot of her but given the short marriage and that he married you soon after and it was a long and happy marriage they respectfully kept a distance. There must have been something of significance, that DH invited her. I’ve got a mate, several relationships and a marriage later, where his first long term gf turns up at significant family events because his parents liked her. They haven’t been together for 20 years now. She doesn’t see them in the interim

I’m shocked at how passive so many would be regarding this with their own dh’s! Bite your tongue OP and be a good, supportive wife...!!
No, fuck that I’d be livid! He can only have around 6 people and chooses to invite his ex who hasn’t seen his dm for 40 years? And this would mean her sister or family member couldn’t attend?

Yep, that’s weird and I’d be very suspicious as to the true nature of their relationship. Don’t know anyone in RL who would be ok with this.

I’d be embarrassed if I was the ex tbh.

I think that's really strange. A ex wife from 40 years ago taking priority over her own sister or grand child!? I would be livid if I was either of those people being excluded. Personally I think you need to speak up or he could ruin his future relationships with his aunt and cousin.

This thread has really made me think. It is a max of ten people at a funeral where I live. I have a big, close family.

I will not be able to attend funerals of very close relatives, should anything happen in the next few weeks.

People on this thread have argued Strongly that he ex wife should attend. Luckily in my family people are reasonable and sensitive, and we would talk it through to make sure those impacted he most would be among those ten Mourners. But it would be tough putting relationships into a Hierarchy.

Not every family is reasonable, and this thread has shown how many family rows will erupt and such a difficult time. Close friends and even family members will be excluded.

I am shocked that people on this thread believe that the ex wife, no matter how fond the deceased was of her, should be in the top ten mourners.

In normal times she might have come to funeral, sat near the back, expressed her sympathies and shared a few fond memories. People would probably have been pleasantly surprised to see her there and there would have been a bit of nostalgia.

She wouldn’t have carried the coffin, sat in the Front row or delivered a reading.

I think you are getting a very hard time OP - Inviting the ex is very odd in the circumstances! I was married to my ex for 16 years and remained close to her after I remarried. (exdh had affairs, we had no kids). I didn't go to ex mil funeral and would have thought it very odd if I had been asked.

We buried a relative recently and were allowed 6 but I also know of a friend who was allowed 18.

I also think that it is for her children and partner to decide but agree if I was a grandchild or niece who desperately wanted to go I'd be really upset that this person who hasn't seen my Gran in decades got to say goodbye and not me.

Personally I think priority should be given to actual family members or people who saw her. But as you say its not for me to determine who should come or not.

And when you are planning a funeral, you can make that decision.

He can invite whom he likes.

Hadn’t see her for 40 years? YANBU. He is.

@MintyMabel

Personally I think priority should be given to actual family members or people who saw her. But as you say its not for me to determine who should come or not.

And when you are planning a funeral, you can make that decision.

He can invite whom he likes.

Minty - would you feel this way if it was your sister? Or aunt. Or niece?

I think one person dictating who attends a funeral in isolation of close family is cruel. He runs very real risk of creating a family feud, and all over someone who probably doesn’t expect to be invited to such an intimate family event.

@MintyMabel, my MIL is likely to die in the fairly short/medium term. We're very much young that it won't be until the covid restrictions are over.
But if we're unlucky, I can't begin to imagine her sister not being able to attend. If my SIL chose someone from her distant past to attend over her aunt, I'd think she'd either gone insane, or was unspeakably cruel.

Young= hoping

Is this to do with travel restrictions stopping close(r) relatives from attending. In the 2nd week of lockdown I attended my cousin's funeral. There were 7 of us there. Unfortunately due to strict travel restrictions in place at that time his siblings (who lived miles away)were unable to attend, so only a few cousins and friends were there.

We had to go to a funeral a couple of weeks into lockdown. When inviting us, my friend said that obvs numbers are limited but she was sure that a few more could squeeze into the churchyard .......

The coffin was carried through from the church to the grave at the other side of the graveyard with 10 people in the entourage. There were about half a dozen others (not including us) who stood at sensible social distances from each other. The funeral service occurred at the graveside.

There are ways which dont break the COVID rules which will allow more people to be there.

I would even stand in outside a crematorium maintaining social distance, saying a quiet prayer perhaps when the coffin arrives (and departs).
..
I know our friend's mum - the main bereaved - took a lot of comfort from knowing there were more people around who wanted to pay respects to him, knowing he was loved and would be missed.

I opened the thread thinking you were BU (my parents are divorced after 25 years & 3 kids, and have attended family funerals of the ex in-laws after the divorce), but actually given the context it does sound a bit weird.

If my SIL chose someone from her distant past to attend over her aunt, I'd think she'd either gone insane, or was unspeakably cruel.

I'd assume she had her own reasons that were none of my business

Minty - would you feel this way if it was your sister? Or aunt. Or niece?

It isn't any of those for the OP.

Sorry minty 5r point I was trying to make, clearly poorly, was Of your sister passed away and only ten people were allowed at the funeral would you be okay with your nephew choosing his ex wife to attend if it meant you couldn’t.

I do think you are being g deliberately obtuse in this - refusing to see it for there point of view, only as op being jealous of the ex wife. I don’t think it’s about that, it’s about the wider family fall out.

You maybe have a very different family dynamic, and perhaps funerals aren’t a big part of saying goodbye. In my family it is huge. A funeral at the moment would be incredibly difficult. If this were One of my parents, we would have to talk to our aunts and uncles to see who should attend. It would be really tough. It would have to be Very close family only and even at that not everyOne could attend.

Close friends would not get a look in, as hard as that would be. I Ben thinking of the ex wife as a close friend of the mil, she wouldn’t rank above her sister in my family.

Sorry for all the typos😊

I would also suspect that they may have had more contact than you have been aware of.

I still keep in regular contact with EX MIL. She is estranged from Ex, but I assume that he and his girlfriend will want to be at her funeral. They have no idea that we have regular contact.
As long as you are able to be there to pay your respects, I’d let DH take the fallout from any other decisions he makes.

Sorry minty 5r point I was trying to make, clearly poorly, was Of your sister passed away and only ten people were allowed at the funeral would you be okay with your nephew choosing his ex wife to attend if it meant you couldn’t.

If I felt that way it would be up to me to speak to my nephew about it. Not up to his wife to decide what should happen.

I do think you are being g deliberately obtuse in this - refusing to see it for there point of view, only as op being jealous of the ex wife. I don’t think it’s about that, it’s about the wider family fall out.

Think what you like. I never mentioned the OP being a jealous ex-wife so you’ll excuse me if I don’t think your powers of deduction are particularly great.

It is not the place of the OP to decide she knows better than her husband who is grieving the loss of his mother.

It is not the place of the OP to decide she knows better than her husband who is grieving the loss of his mother

Well I think the wife is perfectly placed to ask her husband to reconsider how her close family members would feel.

Either he has an incredibly passive family Who don’t care about his mother or family members will tell him to get to fuck. It’s not about ‘inviting Who he wants’ - it’s not his bloody birthday party. He is there to over see the arrangements. If family members what to go they will find a way and he will forever look like a massive twat.

Honestly what egotistical arsehole would actually do this?

"It’s not about ‘inviting Who he wants’ - it’s not his bloody birthday party."

Ha! Indeed