Husband invited First Wife to m-i-l lockdown funeral

[Trumpetpants]

Just that really. She hasn't seen m-i-l for nearly 40 years, they live in the same city.
And because of Covid numbers are limited. They did exchange birthday and Christmas cards though.
I think that people whom she saw regularly and family members should have priority because numbers are limited 😥

After your last post I think he is massively being unreasonable. Has he said why he wants her there? I think it's unfair for a GC or her sister to not go as shes taken their place

Yes the update does put a slightly different slant on it.

The update doesn’t change anything. OP hasn’t got w clue how many can come; she’s just plucking random numbers out of the area.

This woman was her DIL. Your DH wants her there. You opinion on who should get priority is absolutely irrelevant.

Honestly? Yes, I think that's odd. It would be different if there had been a grandchild or if they had been very close, but if there are family members who are being bumped to make room for his first wife, it's strange of him to prioritise her over his aunt or niece/nephew. Surely blood comes first in these cases, when there hasn't been an estrangement.

I'm not sure I'd mention it, though, unless someone in the family brings it up, in which case I'd back them up in their "claim".

I’m a parish minister, and funerals have been exceptionally difficult during lockdown, in ways I expected, and in other ways I hadn’t.

One of the unexpected aspects to the limit on numbers who can attend funerals, is that some families have made quite odd choices about who to invite. I don’t know why that is, but it looks like this is what your DH is doing.

@heartsonacake

I’d find it really odd that he wanted to invite someone who hadn’t seen his mum for 40yrs tbh.

SingingTunelessly Doesn’t matter if you’d find it odd. It’s his mothers funeral; you don’t get to question the attendees.

Odfod. I was giving my opinion to the OP not you.

I went to my ex FIL's funeral a few years ago after having no contact for several years due to ex having new partner.
I was very discreet and sat at the back of the church, but unbeknown to me, my MIL had put my name on the list of significant relatives for a front pew.
Sometimes we make connections that overshadow everyday transactions

@heartsonacake

The update doesn’t change anything. OP hasn’t got w clue how many can come; she’s just plucking random numbers out of the area.

This woman was her DIL. Your DH wants her there. You opinion on who should get priority is absolutely irrelevant.

The Nurse told us it's either 6 or 10. So not just plucked out of the air.

Also, at my own funeral, apart from DC, there is no way I would prioritise other family members over other very dear others if numbers were limited.
I'd prefer to have my own guest list to be honest.

I would find it odd too, and how after 40yrs he just randomly plucks her contact details out of thin air.

Id have to ask, as gently as possible.

I think it's really odd, especially if it means someone who saw her regularly not being able to go.

Very odd. Yanbu

@Trumpetpants wait and see what the funeral directors say about numbers - it's up to them/the venue, and how many they can have there logistically, considering social distancing. Unless the nurse knows about their policies...

It’s his mothers funeral; you don’t get to question the attendees.

Why not? His choices ring of him thinking of who he knows, rather than who his mother knows.

He might have done this through grief. And he might have done this because he just hasn't thought.

Disappointingly, the latter is more common in my experience.

20 mourners is the maximum I’m aware of being permitted at a funeral in Scotland currently, and that’s one crematorium. A few allow 6, and one has just recently increased from 10 - 12 mourners. Graveside services - full service is outdoors - maximum of 15, with some allowing 10 and others 12.

As I said earlier, the horrible and quite surreal limits being placed on funerals are leading people to make unusual and unexpected decisions. Families are having to deal with many different and additional pressures over and above the usual stresses of bereavement and funeral planning.

OP, when you do get clarity on the numbers who can attend, that might help. It might also help to remember that the number is a maximum, and it’s fine to have fewer - in some ways, easier to have fewer.

@AnnaMagnani

It’s his mothers funeral; you don’t get to question the attendees.

Why not? His choices ring of him thinking of who he knows, rather than who his mother knows.

He might have done this through grief. And he might have done this because he just hasn't thought.

Disappointingly, the latter is more common in my experience.

I think it's odd and that the invitees should be those his mother was close to, not an ex wife from 40m years ago, regardless of exchanging of cards.

Those closer relatives who saw her all the time should be there ahead of the ex, expecially given the limited numbers.

@1Littleweed I am somewhat bemused as to how you would be so involved in organising your own funeral and who attends it.

Maybe his mother expressed a wish that his first wife attend her funeral? Maybe she felt like she was a daughter she never had? Maybe she thought they were perfect for each other and didnt believe in divorcee? Maybe your huband wants her there could be any number of reasons but you won't know unless you ask, preferably in a non passive aggressive manner.

Lots of people who are aware of their impending death organise their funerals Euclid. I think I would.

She's her daughter in law. If they felt still felt a kinship it's really nothing to do with you

The OP has been the new daughter-in-law for 36 years. Some posters here make it sound like she is a complete fucking stranger.

@CrystalTipped

Perhaps this was one of the people her MIL felt was closest to her?

Even though she hadn’t seen her in 40 years!!!

Yes, it's a question that needs to be asked. They really can't have been close if they hadn't seen each other since 1980 despite living in the same city!

I think you're going to have to ask him.
Do other, closer family members know she has been asked?
Sorry for your loss, it's such a difficult time at the moment with the limits on the numbers. However, your DH needs to be sure he has considered all family members, as this has potential to lead to bad feeling amongst other family members, who may consider themselves closer than someone who last saw mil 40 years ago.

‘ She hasn't seen m-i-l for nearly 40 years, they live in the same city.’

As far as you or your DH know. Mil may have maintained contact over the years & kept it discreet from you & your DH.