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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband invited First Wife to m-i-l lockdown funeral

104 replies

Trumpetpants · 06/06/2020 21:56

Just that really. She hasn't seen m-i-l for nearly 40 years, they live in the same city.
And because of Covid numbers are limited. They did exchange birthday and Christmas cards though.
I think that people whom she saw regularly and family members should have priority because numbers are limited 😥

OP posts:

Marnie76 · 07/06/2020 07:46

But if that was the case then why would the DH invite her, if he didn’t know they were in contact all these years?

HellSmith · 07/06/2020 07:56

My H’s ex turned up uninvited to his mom’s funeral. H said she’d only come to have a look at me, as she never had a particularly good relationship with his mom. I was a bit surprised at the time, but I barely knew his mom & she’d known her for years so I though she had more right than me to be there.

But your situation’s different to mine op, I’d ask ask him why. It’s not like you’re the new woman, & as far as you know they didn’t have any contact other than sending cards a few times a year. I find it quite odd, but she could be one of those people who absolutely love funerals, or is just coming along out of curiosity.

myohmywhatawonderfulday · 07/06/2020 08:04

Maybe - even though they didn't physically see each other they had special places in each other's heart? Sometimes bonds form that time, space don't weather?

It may be that your m-i-l carried a more special place and the ex-d-i-l got on with her life and did just see it as exchanging Christmas cards? How can we know the dynamic?

Maybe there is something about the time in their life that she represents to your DH? A youthfulness? A time before sickness? and so there is an unseen reason that having here there will bring some comfort?

I don't know...I can understand how it put you in an awkward position and why you would feel uncomfortable and also a bit blindsided. They only way you will get to understand is if you ask in way that is completely gentle and with a heart looking to listen and understand because otherwise DH won't feel safe enough to tell you.

Boyo7 · 07/06/2020 08:15

Are you sure that is all the contact they've had in the last 40 years?

redwoodmazza · 07/06/2020 08:21

I am going to my MIL's funeral on Thursday - more than 300 miles to travel. Only 10 are allowed at the 20 minute graveside funeral and must be socially distanced.
Then it'll be another 5+ hour drive home...

P0lka · 07/06/2020 08:25

Would you have such strong feelings if it was a distant relative/old friend who was invited, rather than his ex?

I think if you review the situation critically you'll see this is only a problem because you're making it one.

AnotherEmma · 07/06/2020 08:32

YANBU, it's very strange, considering the circumstances.

Does your DH have siblings? Just wondering if he's organising the funeral by himself or if his sibling(s) will have anything to do with it. If the latter they might have an opinion.

Itwasntme1 · 07/06/2020 08:33

Some harsh comments here.

Your husband runs the risk of hugely upsetting people with this choice. Unless there are big family issues choosing his ex wife over his aunt is incredibly hurtful.

It’s not about about her attending, it’s about the place she is taking and who has to be left out to accommodate her. A sister or a grandchild. Awful.

Postmanbear · 07/06/2020 08:39

I think if you write down all of the names of family and friends who want to attend and then go through the list crossing out names your DH will see that crossing out a grandchild in favour of his ex is unreasonable.
If I had been excluded from my grandmas funeral in favour of my uncles ex wife I would’ve been really upset.
The funeral is not just about your DH, there are lots of other family members who are going to be really hurt by this decision.

helpfulperson · 07/06/2020 08:43

Perhaps mil specified that she was one of the people she wanted invited.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/06/2020 08:46

Yanbu

As you say if everyone could go who wanted to in normal times then it wouldn’t be an issue. If ex takes up the place of someone who was close to MIL then that’s really unreasonable.

Bluetonic41 · 07/06/2020 08:46

I very much doubt they have had no contact over the last 40 years!!!

Itwasntme1 · 07/06/2020 08:51

@P0lka

Would you have such strong feelings if it was a distant relative/old friend who was invited, rather than his ex?

I think if you review the situation critically you'll see this is only a problem because you're making it one.

I don’t agree. I Think it will be a problem for the family members excluded to make space for this lady.

In normal times, absolutely there should be no issue. But numbers are limited and people will be excluded.

There will be years of hurt over this if a sister or grandchild is excluded. Indeed it may not be the husbands decision to make - which will be an interesting one if the ex wife shows and another close relative says no.

HalloumiSalad · 07/06/2020 08:51

How peculiar! Could you gently all him if he has raised that inviting the exw means xyz can't go?
Maybe this head is in a fuddle and he hasn't thought it through. Such a weird thing to include someone who want really present in her life over someone who was. Unless in his grief the penny hasn't dropped out he is aware of where her affections lay in a way you aren't.
If you've been married so long and don't have an axe to grind I'm sure you could think of a diplomatic gentle way to check out draw his attention to this. Has he realised those other family members may well be massively upset about it?

HalloumiSalad · 07/06/2020 08:52

That should say ask him if he has realised! 🙄

HalloumiSalad · 07/06/2020 08:53

So many typos! Hope you speak fluent auto correct. 😆

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 07/06/2020 08:53

I very much doubt they have had no contact over the last 40 years!!!

And you know more about this than OP how, @Bluetonic41?

Itwasntme1 · 07/06/2020 08:56

@helpfulperson

Perhaps mil specified that she was one of the people she wanted invited.

Again this could be difficult even if she did. Did she realise that numbers would be so limited and it could mean her sister or grandchild couldn’t attend?

If so that seems really odd and would suggest a very special relationship with the ex DIL. Even stronger than family members she sees very regularly.

I would hope the ex DIL, even if invited, would check that her attendance didn’t displace any close family.

lunar1 · 07/06/2020 09:02

They must have remained in contact, I can't think why she would agree to go otherwise under the circumstances. Especially with no children in the marriage.

Marnie76 · 07/06/2020 09:04

Just ask him why OP

saraclara · 07/06/2020 09:05

I think your DH needs to gently be asked how his mother's sister/grandchild might feel not to be there while his ex is.

I would prioritise her sister over you, to be honest, OP. All things being equal, her children and siblings should come before anyone who married in to the family.

I adore my mother in law, and am closer to her than my own mother. But no way would I put my attendance at her funeral before her sister's.

Apple1029 · 07/06/2020 09:08

Yanbu. No children and she hasnt seen your mil in 40 years? How does he even have her contact details?
I would find this extremely odd as to why he would pick her over her sisters and people who she actually had regular relationships with.
A card at Christmas and birthday without seeing each other for 40 years is hardly a relationship.

EngagedAgain · 07/06/2020 09:16

Nrtft yet, but under the current circumstances it would seem a little odd if they are trying to squeeze her in so to speak (limited numbers allowed, and many people can't go that would like to).

PerfectPenquins · 07/06/2020 09:17

It's likely that had a lot more contact than your aware of especially living in the same city they could have met up regularly or spoke on the phone often without you knowing as your mil dosnt need to report to you. It's your DH who feels she should be there and he will have his reasons so that's what should happen.

Runmybathforme · 07/06/2020 09:26

Yes, it is a bit weird. Given the restricted number who can attend, it’s odd he would invite someone who hadn’t seen her in so long. You’ve been together a long time, I think you’re perfectly entitled to ask him about it.

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