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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really down about second child

62 replies

RainbowCloud6 · 06/06/2020 21:24

Partner and I have been struggling since the beginning of lockdown to decide whether to TTC or not (we have a 2 year old DC) . Pre-Covid, our initial plan was to start trying this summer. We thought we'd wait a month or two to see how the Covid situation evolves. But the more we wait, the more worried I feel about the risks and that the right decision is to wait. But we are not getting younger and I worry that this might mean it will never happen for us. I have been an anxious mess, it feels too big a decision to make. I know this may seem trivial but I am really struggling to think that this virus might majorly define our future and my baby will be an only child, when I always imagined myself with more children. I have tried to keep positive but I am sad and fed up. I know a lot of people are affected, and I am sorry. I just really needed to vent and ask for words of wisdom.

OP posts:

Swiftsseason · 06/06/2020 21:28

I wouldn't wait op just go for it. Keep safe. Corona will go away at some point point!

symbioticpatriot · 06/06/2020 21:30

I agree just go for it.
Babies are still being born and thriving and we should be in a much better place as your pregnancy progresses. Good luck

SuperMumTum · 06/06/2020 21:32

Do you mean the risks to you and the baby from coronavirus? If you are otherwise healthy the risks are very small. I agree that it is an anxious time and that getting pregnant now doesn't feel like a sensible decision but when is it ever?? Realistically, why shouldn't you get pregnant now? If you both want a bigger family and your jobs etc are stable then go for it. Life doesnt have to be on hold.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/06/2020 21:32

I dont think there is as much pressure to decide as you think there is. If you decide not to right now, you can review the corona situation in another month. And a month after that. If you decide no now, it doesn't have to be final

BuffaloCauliflower · 06/06/2020 21:33

Just go for it, there will always be something wrong in the world.

swishswashswoosh · 06/06/2020 21:34

What risks are stopping you? No evidence other than precautionary advice to pregnant women regarding any infection is in place. So far nothing suggests covid is any different/risks are higher in pregnancy. Thousands of women are having babies throughout this, I know of 4 personally who have had a baby within the NHS since mid March, all fine, straightforward as hoped/planned. A little strange, yes in that masks were worn and partners were asked to leave as soon as possible after birth. I'd go for it. You never know what might happen, and it might take a while to conceive anyway.

FlapAttack23 · 06/06/2020 21:36

Go for it.. will be fine ❤️

LivingThatLockdownLife · 06/06/2020 21:38

Go for it.

There is so much doom mongering on MN and in the media. You might want to avoid for a while

taraRoo · 06/06/2020 21:41

Me too op. Not sure how old you are but I'm 37. Need to get on with it. Husband not keen but he's not time limited! Have 2yo. I'm desperate for another. I'm going to talk to him later but think I'm just going to go for it...

It might change our life a lot but I know we could survive some financial impact if covid recession hits. It might mean we need to change our plans a bit but I want a baby more than other things.

Original poster

RainbowCloud6 · 06/06/2020 21:47

Thank you so much for your responses. We had decided to go for it until I read a bit more about it this morning and saw it was found that the virus can affect the placenta. This is what has made me feel like getting pregnant now would be reckless. Before then I wasn't overly worried as I am very healthy.
@OoohTheStatsDontLie, in my mind I see it as either we wait until next year, or we need to TTC asap, while at least we are still both working at home and more "shielded". I have written off the winter in my mind as another risky time in case there is another peak and being more likely to catch it with my DC back at nursery etc. But maybe you are right, I should keep taking it day by day.

OP posts:

Original poster

RainbowCloud6 · 06/06/2020 21:50

@taraRoo nice to know I am not alone. I am 35, which I know isn't that old but who knows how long TTC might take. I am also desperate for another, it has hit me and it's now all I can think about!

OP posts:

taraRoo · 06/06/2020 21:59

@rainbowcloud6

I wasn't that bothered about kids. Then I had one and I knew instantly that I wanted another one. It's overwhelming. The thought that I might miss out on going through it all again is devastating. That's how I know I just have to try now....

Aquamarine1029 · 06/06/2020 22:03

The world keeps marching on, op. If you want another baby then have one. There is no point to waiting.

MoreCookiesPlease · 06/06/2020 22:38

Another in the don't wait and just get on with it camp.

DamnYankee · 06/06/2020 22:44

If I were 35, I'd go ahead and give it a try. It could take months...

Jillyhilly · 06/06/2020 22:45

Don’t wait. What is the virus is still lingering around In some capacity for years? I suggest that you take a much longer view - historically it’s an extremely safe time and place to bring a child into the world.

SuperMumTum · 06/06/2020 23:03

All sorts of things can affect a pregnancy - pollution, stress, other illnesses and diseases. You can't eliminate all risk and coronavirus is just one thing. If you take sensible precautions there's no reason to put your life on hold for this.

KatyButton · 06/06/2020 23:06

What a horrible decision and if you definitely want another then of course being pregnant during this time is better then never being pregnant again. But as someone who is experiencing it I just wanted to add it’s not great even putting the health risks aside - my husband wasn’t able to come to the 20 week scan, midwife appointments are being cancelled and I haven’t seem my mother since early Feb, who knows if I will see her at all before I’m due in August as she lives too far away for a quick visit.
There’s also the less important things that are taking the joy out of things - no shopping for clothes or essentials, not being able to move to a bigger house as planned so no nursery to decorate etc and no showing off my bump at work or with friends. Plus I have my older child at home all the time due to no preschool so no lazing about on maternity leave for me!
Good luck whatever you decide!

SierraOscar · 06/06/2020 23:53

Same here! Our plan was to TTC at the end of the summer. We are questioning wether it's the right thing to do. I will be 35 in a few weeks and was planning to have my coil out, quite rightly this is not a priority now.

I also have the additional worry as to wether my job will exist soon.

footprintsintheslow · 07/06/2020 07:04

I'm 40 so no option to wait for a better time. Just go for it!

Original poster

RainbowCloud6 · 07/06/2020 08:00

Thank you all, this has really helped put things in perspective. I will talk to my partner again and reassess All the advice I read online seems to say that if you can wait, it's probably better but if you are late thirties, you probably should get on with it. I'm just at the cut off point, so it's hard to know what to do for the best. I did get quite anxious during my first pregnancy, so I'm also thinking I might be making life harder for myself by conceiving during these uncertain times and stress won't be good for baby either. My DC will probably bring all sorts of viruses home from nursery and I might freak out at the slightest sign of a cold!
Thank you @KatyButton for the additional information and congratulations on your pregnancy! I think I'm OK with things not being as smooth and lovely as the first time round, as long as baby will be OK.
Good luck @footprintsintheslow, @SierraOscar and @taraRoo, I hope it works out for us all.

OP posts:

HalloumiSalad · 07/06/2020 08:10

I think the chances of you being bitter and plagued by the 'what could have been' because of your life plans being derailed by the virus worries are not an insignificant factor for mental health... Which is also important. If the dust settles in a years time and the virus drama is reduced (medical profession have a good handle on it etc) will you be looking at ladies with little babies gripped by the It Should Have Been Me feeling? Not trying to minimise the potential health risk but at least you would be going into your pregnancy with a good idea what your strategy to stay well is. Ladies whose pregnancy / new mum experience was totally side swiped by the unexpected impact of lockdown must feel like they've had something stolen from them, but you will be forewarned which is forearmed. I think if I was in your position I would go ahead. I always imagined myself with two and I very luckily got that and it makes me so happy. Good luck.

Corilee2806 · 07/06/2020 08:36

I’m in the same situation as you, 35 in a few weeks and we were just about to start trying for number 2 at the beginning of the pandemic. At the beginning everything felt so scary and unknown and I know to a degree that is still true now... but at the same time the world has been carrying on and lots of women I know have been giving birth or are pregnant in less than ideal circumstances, I know post natal care can be an issue too and then not being able to have any visitors or help. we have decided to crack on - I feel like if I waited much longer and then had problems conceiving I would regret not having tried sooner. It is scary though and my pregnancy with DD was high risk, and I had 2 miscarriages before that. I feel like I’m in rock and a hard place with wanting to wait until things are safer but not being able to because I can’t afford another risk factor of my age. Luckily we’re in a stable financial position which would be the other consideration I guess. I haven’t really thought about the practicalities of getting pregnant and then having to be really careful about who I come into contact with but I’ll cross that bridge if and when I come to it. Wishing you lots of luck with your decision, I know how much it can make your head ache!

Original poster

RainbowCloud6 · 07/06/2020 09:05

@HalloumiSalad, indeed, I already get heartbroken when I see families with 2 DC and feel so sad that we have left it this long :(
@corilee2806 all the best to you. How old is your DD? I also worry about my first DC, I was hoping to spend nice quality time with him once "normal" life resumes and take him to all the places he missed, if I am pregnant that will be difficult and the practicalities of avoiding contact with others will affect him too. But that's such a short term issue I guess for a much longer term goal. I wish I wasn't such an over thinker, I didn't have much restful sleep last night!
Well I have passed the opportunity for this month, so at least I have another 3 weeks without pressure of deciding now :D

OP posts:

HalloumiSalad · 07/06/2020 10:55

I was 36 when my second was born. You haven't left it too long. Look after yourself, your nutrition and your sleep. Try to find things that make you happy as conception is less likely when you're stressed. Good luck, you haven't lost the opportunity yet.
P.s I also have an acquaintance who has all 3 of her children in her 40's. You're story isn't fully told yet so take heart.

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