To feel really down about second child

[RainbowCloud6]

Partner and I have been struggling since the beginning of lockdown to decide whether to TTC or not (we have a 2 year old DC) . Pre-Covid, our initial plan was to start trying this summer. We thought we'd wait a month or two to see how the Covid situation evolves. But the more we wait, the more worried I feel about the risks and that the right decision is to wait. But we are not getting younger and I worry that this might mean it will never happen for us. I have been an anxious mess, it feels too big a decision to make. I know this may seem trivial but I am really struggling to think that this virus might majorly define our future and my baby will be an only child, when I always imagined myself with more children. I have tried to keep positive but I am sad and fed up. I know a lot of people are affected, and I am sorry. I just really needed to vent and ask for words of wisdom.

[Bluepolkadots42]

@RainbowCloud6 our DC turned 2 last month. I think originally we would have aimed for an age gap of 2.5yrs, but I've resigned myself to the gap being more like 3-3.5 now. I just keep focusing on the fact that with those free nursery hours for eldest DC, new baby and I will be able to get some nice 1:1 time at home together a few hours every week (preferably in front of netflix ;) )

[greytminds]

I’m 40 and 10.5 weeks pregnant with my second DC. We weren’t actively trying and it took years to conceive DD so it was a huge shock - certainly didn’t plan to conceive in the midst of a pandemic.

My DD has been back at nursery for a while and I plan to carry on with as much ‘normal’ life as is allowed, taking sensible precautions. I’ve had several close friends who are having or have had babies in the last few months and all of them have been fine. My biggest fear is no baby groups as my mat leave last time was packed with social stuff and I worry about my mental health if I am stuck at home all day every day with a baby and nothing to do.

I’d echo the go for it opinions. Coronavirus isn’t going away soon and we all have to learn how to adapt and live along side it.

[yellowgecko]

I would be more worried about your age than Covid-19. At 35 your fertility will keep declining sharply in a way in doesn't when you're 25.

I understand your worries. I'm 35, 13 weeks pregnant with DC2. DC1 was born 10 weeks prem so I am really worried about another early baby, in winter, 2nd wave, flu season etc...but equally I might get hit by a bus tomorrow. I am WFH, minimising contact, washing hands etc.

Covid is not going away. Your fertility will. Mitigate that risks and don't regret expanding your family if that is what you want to do.

Why not book a couple of counselling sessions to talk over your fears? Good luck OP, if you do get pregnant remember you won't be the only one!

[BridgettJ]

Your DC is only 2! You haven't left it long at all, what a lovely age gap!

[Iloveyoutothefridgeandback]

I'm not trying to be "doom and gloom" here but the simple fact is that everyone is going to get Covid. The time to avoid this scenario was January, and there were a lot of fuck ups at that time and it is now far too late. It is endemic.

Once a vaccine is developed that will help a little bit, but it won't be anywhere near to actually eradicating it. Corona virus vaccines don't work that way. They can't be permanent. It will just be like the flu vaccine - vulnerable people will get one annually every flu/covid season and that will protect against the most recent strains of the virus. Some of those people will still get one of the many newer strains of the virus which are constantly mutating, and some of those people will die. Unless we have some truly ground breaking advancements in medical science, this cycle will continue indefinitely.

At some point life will just have to carry on. I'm really sorry if I sound miserable, I promise I'm not trying to be! I'm just saying there is not much point in waiting to conceive. If you want more babies then go for it. I would hate to think that somebody missed their chance because they were waiting for some sort of "end" to covid, because there isn't going to be one. Get cracking folks.

[mumof2exhausted]

Unfortunately this virus isn’t going to disappear anytime soon so please don’t put life plans on hold. I’ve known lots of babies delivered safely in last few months and I’m a couple of weeks away from due date myself. I’ve personally not felt at all at risk being pregnant in a pandemic. Doctors / hospital etc have all been great. Chances of conception drop dramatically in mid 30s (I’m 37) - it could take a while or could happen next week, I personally wouldn’t wait

[RainbowCloud6]

Thank you all, so interesting that the opinions are so mixed, so at least I feel less silly for being so undecided.

I am actually not worried about financial impact (fingers crossed!), and wouldn't even mind going to appointments on my own etc. It is purely the unknown potential effect on the baby if I catch Covid during pregnancy that keeps me up at night. And knowing I might be an anxious wreck about it for 9 months.

But today I have been reading about the risks of older maternal age and worrying myself about that :(.

@Bluepolkadots42, how old is your first DC? I think we are leaning towards waiting ultimately, so it feels reassuring that we are not the only ones.

[Chocolate4me]

Hi, I've heard that it's only really a slight issue in the late pregnancy if you catch it, because your lungs have less space, less air. Not that you will have it worse than you would have done when not pregnant, I was worried at first but I'm in my 3rd trimester now and feel comfortable. Tbh, it's probably better to ttc now so if anything, you are in the earlier trimesters over winter, and then by next summer or autumn there might be vaccines out and less cases anyway.
I've also noticed that this pregnancy has been much easier due to me not being on my feet so much. I've just started going out and about more and I definitely feel the effect of tiredness more by the end of the day. So if you can get some of the pregnancy done in the lockdown while life is less busy, then that's also a positive thing!

[Mistymonday]

We are ttc first (Not pg yet) because well I am 38 so no time to lose! But I also think that a time where I am wfh, less stressed and tired with no commute or social plans is a great time to be pregnant! I get more Time in bed, can structure my day to suit any need for naps or morning sickness - so I genuinely think it might work out well to conceive now! Plus by the time I will be due, it should be over or at least much better. Go for it I say!

[Procrastination4]

My grandmother was born during the Spanish Flu and lived to the age of 93. Her mother lived to the age of 98. Go for it!

[Bluepolkadots42]

Hi OP- this thread has caught my eye because my DH and I were planning on trying for DC2 this summer- we did try for 1 cycle but then due to Covid and also for financial reasons we've decided to hit pause and delay until Dec/Jan. Think by then we will know how bad any further waves will be and also our DD will be getting free nursery hours by time a second DC arrives, so that will take pressure off being on maternity pay if anything happens to my DH's job. I am 33 and DH is 37 and so I really empathise with the anxiety around leaving it too late. I wish you the best of luck and a happy and healthy pregnancy for when you do conceive- whenever you decide the right time is!

[2bazookas]

@Charleyhorses

Why not just park it and decide to reconsider in January?

I agree.

Babies conceived during the pandemic won't be born until autumn. If covid adversely affects placental blood supply then any longterm consequences to the baby might become apparent in the new year.

Drs are only just becoming aware of the later effects of covid infection on blood circulation in "recovered " adults; there's an awful lot we don't yet know about covid's longterm consequences.

[2bazookas]

If you are worried about losing your particular jobs, income, home etc due to covid effects on the economy, then it would be very sensible to wait a while.

[Boshmama]

Same boat OP, we've decided to go for it this month. We were hoping to start in April but delayed for a bit.
I'm 32 and still breastfeeding my 20 month old so I know it could take longer this time and I do want a second for her as much as me.

Good luck

[Charleyhorses]

Why not just park it and decide to reconsider in January?

[Flatwhite32]

@RainbowCloud6 my DD is also at nursery, and I'm a teacher going back properly in September to classes of 30! Again though, who know when this will end! The risk with children is small, and I'll just be as vigilant as I can at work with handwashing etc. I also wonder if I had Covid in March, as my husband was ill with all 3 symptoms, and I had what I thought was a cold and cough. Who knows though!

[RainbowCloud6]

Thank you for your response! We are the same age and our partners are the same age so it is good to hear you were able to conceive without much trouble.

The more I tell myself I should wait, the more desperate I am to have a baby!
The only thing putting me off is that my baby goes to nursery and I feel this really increases my risk of getting Covid. Otherwise I am WFH so as sheltered as can be. Whereas next spring I will be back at work so there will be an additional risk there with the commute etc if Covid is here to stay. Such an impossible decision!

[Flatwhite32]

Hi OP, I'll be 35 in 3 months, and DH will be 40 in January. DD has just turned 2. Realising that Covid was here to stay for the longhaul, I came off contraception, but we decided to not 'actively' try if that makes sense. No ovulation sticks, no cycle tracking etc. Just DTD when we fancied it! A very different experience to very much planned DD. I'm now 16 weeks and expecting in January! I realise I am very lucky to conceive like this though. I think if we were younger, we'd have waited a bit longer (maybe for a Covid vaccine), but we aren't! If all goes well with this pregnancy, there will be a 2 and a half year age gap between the baby and DD.
Also, things are getting a bit more back to normal with pregnancy care in my area. I've only had one phone appointment so far (my booking in appt) and although DH wasn't allowed to attend the 12 week scan, he is now allowed to come to the 20 week one. My next midwife appt next week will also be in person (albeit wearing a mask!).

[RainbowCloud6]

I thought I would resurrect this thread to see how everyone is doing, there were a few of us of a similar age wondering what to do about TTC. What have you guys decided?

For the last 2 months we didn't actively try to conceive but also didn't actively try not to. It has been a rollercoaster, some days feeling excited and some days feeling super anxious and almost relieved when finding out I am not pregnant. I am as confused as ever, I think as autumn/winter approaches I feel more scared about being pregnant and catching the virus. I think I will have to leave it until spring and hope it doesn't take too long to conceive. I feel so guilty for my sibling-less first child, I just can't win! Anyone else in the same situation?

[ListenToIronMaidenBaby]

I'm mid 30s and have one DD. We were planning to try again this summer but I'm going to put it off until things are more settled (virus and economically). I'm one to just tend to think things will be what they'll be though so I wouldn't have the worry you have. All my mummy friends just tell me to carry on but I'm happy to wait and not worry about getting older etc. If it happens it happens!

[RainbowCloud6]

Sorry to hear that @SierraOscar, I hope it's something minor and you feel better soon!

[SierraOscar]

I'm planning to just go for it once I can have my coil out.

I've had some complications over the last day, I ended up in a&e with suspected appendicitis last night. They ruled it out but I've got to have a scan tomorrow to see why I am in pain, they mentioned a possible ovarian cyst, fingers crossed it isn't anything sinister.

[Tsubasa1]

If there is a vaccine coming soon, why don't you wait another 3 months or so until TTC. That way you would be vaccinated first. Potentially you would be a mum again by 36 yrs of age

[eatthepineapple]

DH is furloughed which makes things slightly easier for us, except for the fact that DD generally just wants me! If he went back to work I think we probably would have to send her back to nursery at least for short days. However that doesn't seem to be something we will have to deal with for a little while.

As others have said I think covid may well be with us for a while unfortunately. We just figured life has to go on. I don't think I'm actually seeing midwife until about 28 weeks but at the moment I feel ok about that as I will be more aware if something is a problem than last time I think, and will be able to seek help if needed. That's how I feel atm anyway, I'm only 8 weeks though so about 30 more to go!!!

[Flatwhite32]

@RainbowCloud6, I am currently 34 and 8 weeks pregnant with DC 2. We had also planned to wait until after Covid, so this was definitely unplanned! However, the more the weeks pass, the more I realise that Covid may be around for a while yet. I'm also WFH which is ideal with this morning sickness (although not so fun when DD, 22 months, isn't at nursery!). If you don't feel waiting is right, just go for it. Maternity provision isn't as good (my booking in appt is on the phone, and who knows when I'll see a midwife) but that could be the case for ages with Covid. Best of luck with whatever you decide.