To feel really down about second child

[RainbowCloud6]

Partner and I have been struggling since the beginning of lockdown to decide whether to TTC or not (we have a 2 year old DC) . Pre-Covid, our initial plan was to start trying this summer. We thought we'd wait a month or two to see how the Covid situation evolves. But the more we wait, the more worried I feel about the risks and that the right decision is to wait. But we are not getting younger and I worry that this might mean it will never happen for us. I have been an anxious mess, it feels too big a decision to make. I know this may seem trivial but I am really struggling to think that this virus might majorly define our future and my baby will be an only child, when I always imagined myself with more children. I have tried to keep positive but I am sad and fed up. I know a lot of people are affected, and I am sorry. I just really needed to vent and ask for words of wisdom.

[SierraOscar]

@corilee2806 I had a miscarriage before I had DD, this plays on my mind too.

I find this thread remarkable, we are all roughly the same age having the same thoughts! Listening to all of you, I think I will just get on with trying once I get my coil out

[MindyStClaire]

I say go for it, but then I'm a year ahead of you - 36 and due number two in a few weeks. It hasn't been ideal but not terrible either. I find Emily Ostler very reassuring to read on the subject (the author of Expecting Better). The RCOG guidelines are very reassuring as well I find.

[rescuecat]

I would go for it personally. In my experience there is always something to worry about in pregnancy and always viruses around that could harm a pregnancy. If this was a first child and you were around 30 then yes fair enough postpone but in your situation with an elder child to think about I wouldn't postpone.

[MariaDingbat]

I'm 40 and 13 weeks pregnant at the minute. I got pregnant just before lockdown and so far everything has been grand. Hospital's have been great, midwife's too. We're working from home and social distancing to reduce risk of infection and we'll keep that up throughout the pregnancy I think. The only annoying thing is not being able to try on maternity clothes or see baby stuff in the shops.

[princessbananahammock252]

When lockdown came into place, we'd already started cycle 1 for TTC number 2, after months of me sitting on the fence about whether I wanted another. When we eventually decided, we were excited but then the virus kicked in, and of course that got us worried. My husband was very anxious so we didn't try for one month. In that time we both decided having a second child was too important to wait, especially after learning that we may be stuck with COVID-19 for some time. Neither of us have time on our side (I'm 38, DH is 42 this year), so we just went for it. I'm pregnant now and don't regret my decision to get on with it. Antenatal appointments will be interesting though!

[eatthepineapple]

We were having the same dilemma as we were planning to try from about April and then lockdown started. After taking a month of extra pills we just thought I might as well come off as we didn't know how long it would take. We literally had sex twice and then I realised I was pregnant!! 😱 I'm 32 but DH is 38, and we didn't want to wait much longer. Plus our girl will be just 3 when this one comes so to think this is a nice gap.

Pros - I am at home so easier to hide feeling sick and tired from others, especially at work. But also for toddler here so not as relaxing as it would've been. I was also anxious last time but already less so as this is round 2.

Cons - obviously the worry of COVID, uncertainty about when life will be back to normal (what world are we bringing this life into even!), telephone appointments and solo scan, and also not sure about when I will be able to go back to work.

Overall we are pleased but were very surprised how quick it was!! Also haven't timed it well as we will have an early jan baby which we didn't really want (our last was Dec, as am I!!) I think it would be harder if this was the first baby though. Hope that helps

[RainbowCloud6]

Thank you all, I can't tell you how much this is helping. I have been less anxious today, and more excited! I think I want to go for it.
The only thing is that our DS is due back to nursery in the next couple of weeks and I worry that this will leave us vulnerable. I'm almost considering changing that plan to minimise the risk in case I do get pregnant. Are all your eldest children home with you? We both work from home so technically could keep him with us but as work gets more demanding, it is a challenge. I also think he would really enjoy going back a few days a week. Perhaps I am just trying to control the uncontrollable!

[HalloumiSalad]

If your child is used to nursery that will help when second comes along because it will be a familiar refuge that won't change when new sibling comes along which is often unsettling for first child. They can help smooth the way for him.
Control what you can though, so hand hygiene when he comes home etc. Check the family vitamin D levels, rumour (?) has it low vitamin D influences vulnerability to covid19. Anything like that, apart from being practical steps you can take it will also make you feel less like you're just blowing around in the winds of fate.

[HalloumiSalad]

(just playing devils advocate, not saying you should, just another way of looking at it)

[blackcat86]

I feel the same OP. I'm approaching mid 30s and DC1 is nearly 2. We were about to start TTC2 but I was in and out of hospital with my last pregnancy so it seems utterly irresponsible not to acknowledge that. I am practicing acceptance that we have DD, we are all safe, and we have a DC2 when its safe to do so then great but if not then it feels ok that a global pandemic changed people's plans. I guess it depends on how much of a risk you feel it would be for you. I am vulnerable and shielding so I am also taking this into account along with having a terrible 3rd trimester and traumatic birth.

[Elieza]

There won’t be a cure for at least a year so you’re as well cracking on just now.
Eat healthily and exercise regularly and that will give your body the strength to fight any illness that dc picks up and brings home from nursery.
Unless you have underlying health conditions your chances of not being too badly affected are good.
My 30 year old friend had CV and said it was just like a feverish cold. Just felt awful for a few days and lived on chicken soup, now totally fine.
It’s the old yins and those with underlying conditions that seem to struggle.
Not so much pregnant women as far as I recall, presumably as that’s not really an illness it’s a natural state to be in?
There will always be some illness doing the rounds. Go for it.

[Corilee2806]

@RainbowCloud6 she is 18 months, and I had planned to have them close together if we are lucky enough for that to happen. Also have the issue of some big family weddings next summer (one of which has been postponed from this summer) and this has just made me realise that you can’t plan things perfectly - who knows what’s going to happen in the next year and that’s just in the outside world before I even think about how it might not be straightforward to get pregnant. I know what you mean about having some more time to enjoy normal life before another baby, but I guess that might not be a possibility for a while now. I’m glad seeing others posting today - all with very similar experiences and thoughts - has helped you, I’ve found taking it month by month and not putting too much pressure on it has helped, and just trying to keep healthy and stress free as much as I can. And I can see some positives of being pregnant now like not having trouble travel to work, so there’s definitely some positives too! Good luck with whatever you decide, I’m sure it will all work out!

[Flatwhite32]

@RainbowCloud6, I am currently 34 and 8 weeks pregnant with DC 2. We had also planned to wait until after Covid, so this was definitely unplanned! However, the more the weeks pass, the more I realise that Covid may be around for a while yet. I'm also WFH which is ideal with this morning sickness (although not so fun when DD, 22 months, isn't at nursery!). If you don't feel waiting is right, just go for it. Maternity provision isn't as good (my booking in appt is on the phone, and who knows when I'll see a midwife) but that could be the case for ages with Covid. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

[eatthepineapple]

DH is furloughed which makes things slightly easier for us, except for the fact that DD generally just wants me! If he went back to work I think we probably would have to send her back to nursery at least for short days. However that doesn't seem to be something we will have to deal with for a little while.

As others have said I think covid may well be with us for a while unfortunately. We just figured life has to go on. I don't think I'm actually seeing midwife until about 28 weeks but at the moment I feel ok about that as I will be more aware if something is a problem than last time I think, and will be able to seek help if needed. That's how I feel atm anyway, I'm only 8 weeks though so about 30 more to go!!!

[Tsubasa1]

If there is a vaccine coming soon, why don't you wait another 3 months or so until TTC. That way you would be vaccinated first. Potentially you would be a mum again by 36 yrs of age

[SierraOscar]

I'm planning to just go for it once I can have my coil out.

I've had some complications over the last day, I ended up in a&e with suspected appendicitis last night. They ruled it out but I've got to have a scan tomorrow to see why I am in pain, they mentioned a possible ovarian cyst, fingers crossed it isn't anything sinister.

[RainbowCloud6]

Sorry to hear that @SierraOscar, I hope it's something minor and you feel better soon!

[ListenToIronMaidenBaby]

I'm mid 30s and have one DD. We were planning to try again this summer but I'm going to put it off until things are more settled (virus and economically). I'm one to just tend to think things will be what they'll be though so I wouldn't have the worry you have. All my mummy friends just tell me to carry on but I'm happy to wait and not worry about getting older etc. If it happens it happens!

[RainbowCloud6]

I thought I would resurrect this thread to see how everyone is doing, there were a few of us of a similar age wondering what to do about TTC. What have you guys decided?

For the last 2 months we didn't actively try to conceive but also didn't actively try not to. It has been a rollercoaster, some days feeling excited and some days feeling super anxious and almost relieved when finding out I am not pregnant. I am as confused as ever, I think as autumn/winter approaches I feel more scared about being pregnant and catching the virus. I think I will have to leave it until spring and hope it doesn't take too long to conceive. I feel so guilty for my sibling-less first child, I just can't win! Anyone else in the same situation?

[Flatwhite32]

Hi OP, I'll be 35 in 3 months, and DH will be 40 in January. DD has just turned 2. Realising that Covid was here to stay for the longhaul, I came off contraception, but we decided to not 'actively' try if that makes sense. No ovulation sticks, no cycle tracking etc. Just DTD when we fancied it! A very different experience to very much planned DD. I'm now 16 weeks and expecting in January! I realise I am very lucky to conceive like this though. I think if we were younger, we'd have waited a bit longer (maybe for a Covid vaccine), but we aren't! If all goes well with this pregnancy, there will be a 2 and a half year age gap between the baby and DD.
Also, things are getting a bit more back to normal with pregnancy care in my area. I've only had one phone appointment so far (my booking in appt) and although DH wasn't allowed to attend the 12 week scan, he is now allowed to come to the 20 week one. My next midwife appt next week will also be in person (albeit wearing a mask!).

[RainbowCloud6]

Thank you for your response! We are the same age and our partners are the same age so it is good to hear you were able to conceive without much trouble.

The more I tell myself I should wait, the more desperate I am to have a baby!
The only thing putting me off is that my baby goes to nursery and I feel this really increases my risk of getting Covid. Otherwise I am WFH so as sheltered as can be. Whereas next spring I will be back at work so there will be an additional risk there with the commute etc if Covid is here to stay. Such an impossible decision!

[Flatwhite32]

@RainbowCloud6 my DD is also at nursery, and I'm a teacher going back properly in September to classes of 30! Again though, who know when this will end! The risk with children is small, and I'll just be as vigilant as I can at work with handwashing etc. I also wonder if I had Covid in March, as my husband was ill with all 3 symptoms, and I had what I thought was a cold and cough. Who knows though!

[Charleyhorses]

Why not just park it and decide to reconsider in January?

[Boshmama]

Same boat OP, we've decided to go for it this month. We were hoping to start in April but delayed for a bit.
I'm 32 and still breastfeeding my 20 month old so I know it could take longer this time and I do want a second for her as much as me.

Good luck

[2bazookas]

If you are worried about losing your particular jobs, income, home etc due to covid effects on the economy, then it would be very sensible to wait a while.