AIBU to think that some people have forgotten how to work as a team?

[Ruralrose]

Hiya I have been reading Mumsnet for a while but havent dared to post as yet.... so here I go.

I have recently read a fair few posts where people are talking about who should do what jobs in the home and complaining that one person does too little or whatever.

I don't get it. I have never sat down with my husband and planned jobs. When he was working full time and I was at home with our brood of children I did the majority of stuff around the house and he did less.

When I went into work he then started doing more around the house and now that we both work full time hours we naturally have adjusted again without discussion and do the same amount around the house.
There are things that will always be my jobs and jobs that are always his. But we are a partnership. We are a team. If something doesnt work then we talk about it and sort it.

I wonder if our background helps.. growing up in farming is after all different to many other ways of life. You have to be part of a team from day one. I wonder whether so many marriages are failing because people are putting their own interests above the interests of the 'team'.

Am I wrong to want to tell people to get a grip?!

Here is your medal congratulations 🏅

If things are working well you don't need to rant or get advice from a forum, you will only see the failures

That's great if it works and the partner sees that there should be more equality and just does stuff without needing a discussion.....but that doesnt happen for a lot of people.

Oh lah de fucking dah you.

YABU because it takes two to tango. How can you work as a team when 1 person won't pull their weight?
How can you put blame on the other person who has doubtless tried to make it work?
Maybe some do think more of their own interests and less of their partner or overall family but what can you do?
Not really your problem or business and this post smacks of smugness and gloating.

Yes but both people have to be willing to work as a team. The posters who complain on here are usually the half that wants to work as a team.. They are usually complaining about partners who can't or more often won't as they have no interest in it and don't see the point.

Working as team is still work and some people prefer others to do their work. It is short sighted if your aim is to have a good relationship and be happy but not if all you want to do is avoid work and responsibilities, which many people do..

"Not really your problem or business and this post smacks of smugness and gloating."
I don't think it does at all. I think the OP is literally just stating her observations. No, it isn't her problem or business per se but by posters writing on threads they are putting their lives out there, asking for advice (or just having a rant) and asking what others think, thus making it everyone else's business.

OP, I do think you have to be part of a team for a successful marriage but I'm sure there are a lot of other reasons for marriages to fail than this.

Interesting first post though. You could almost imagine it being slow on here and MN deciding to start a post trying to get their comments up for sponsors.

Not gloating or being smug. Any relationship needs to be worked at.

If one person isnt pulling their weight then they have forgotten how to work as a team and that isn't good and shouldn't be tolerated or accepted.

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite

"Not really your problem or business and this post smacks of smugness and gloating." I don't think it does at all. I think the OP is literally just stating her observations. No, it isn't her problem or business per se but by posters writing on threads they are putting their lives out there, asking for advice (or just having a rant) and asking what others think, thus making it everyone else's business.

OP, I do think you have to be part of a team for a successful marriage but I'm sure there are a lot of other reasons for marriages to fail than this.

Interesting first post though. You could almost imagine it being slow on here and MN deciding to start a post trying to get their comments up for sponsors.

Ha no. I just recieved the daily mumsnet update this morning and read a few bits on there and decided to post.

Working as a team involves discussion; it is not reliant upon mind reading.

I do not see anything aspirational about your no-communication view of teamwork. It is certainly not a model to be promoted.

Virtual working may make this skill less prevalent.

Where did I say anything about not communicating? Communication is the key especially when you have a large family, work and lots of livestock.

We just know each other well enough that one will pick up bits from the other when one gets busier with work. We dont need to ask, we just do.

Ie during silaging when the husband isnt home until late at night- I do all the bits he normally does at home. Or when I am out all night in the lambing shed he does all the bits for me at home. We dont need to question what needs doing. It just gets done. Its team work

YABVU. Study after study shows that women take on more housework and caring responsibilities (and homeschooling during lockdown) than men, regardless of employment status.

MN is predominantly female so it stands to reason that users on here will mostly be the ones who are doing a lot more of that teamwork than their partners. Great for you if you have an equal household (I do too) but it's not the norm across society and it's important we talk about that.

@user135844794

Working as a team involves discussion; it is not reliant upon mind reading.

I do not see anything aspirational about your no-communication view of teamwork. It is certainly not a model to be promoted.

Where did I say anything about not communicating? Communication is the key especially when you have a large family, work and lots of livestock.

We just know each other well enough that one will pick up bits from the other when one gets busier with work. We dont need to ask, we just do.

Ie during silaging when the husband isnt home until late at night- I do all the bits he normally does at home. Or when I am out all night in the lambing shed he does all the bits for me at home. We dont need to question what needs doing. It just gets done. Its team work. Something which I believe is important.

In your OP you said you dont sit down and plan with your DH who does what.
I generally do 90-95% of household chores and childcare regardless of our work/life balance. Normally I work less hours so potentially should do more (but not all) in the house. However DH is SE and couldnt work for about 3-4 weeks at the beginning of lockdown. His contributions to household chores or childcare didnt change, and it didnt occur to him that he could have any involvement on home schooling.
Occasionally raise the imbalance with DH. He makes a big deal of doing a huge "spring clean" of one room, and then things revert back to me doing most things. (He does cook though, for enjoyment rather than necessity and leaves all the ingredients and utensils all over the kitchen)

As PP have said, most couples do work well together and share the load fairly. There’a no point in people starting posts to say “DH and I work well together, everything is lovely”. Hence we only see posts where there is an issue and people are asking for advice.

Also I’m not really sure what you’re implying here:

1. Farming couples are superior to all others and only they can have a strong equal relationship.

2. Women are to blame for useless men because they “shouldn’t tolerate” men who don’t share the load.

@Dyrne

Also I’m not really sure what you’re implying here:

1. Farming couples are superior to all others and only they can have a strong equal relationship.

2. Women are to blame for useless men because they “shouldn’t tolerate” men who don’t share the load.

I am not trying to imply either of those things.

This is exactly why I havent posted before. Clearly far too many bored people on here who cannot be bothered to take the time to read and understand a post.

Dear me. I wont bother posting again.

The OP makes valid points and I don't understand why there is negativity towards her post.

It amazes me that in 2020 there are still households where men are prepared to sit around doing nothing and women are prepared to let that happen. I can't relate to that thankfully.

I see what you are saying op.
However when most people get with their partner, in western culture at least, they chose someone on physical characteristics. So they think he has gorgeous eyes, a fit toned body, soothing voice, lovely hair etc.
They don't tend to think he will get up early and make breakfast, feed the cats, comfort the baby and bring me a cuppa in bed. He will ring me a bath when I am tired without having to ask me. He will always put me and our family first.
This is where humans fail.

Ruralrose so what are you trying to say then? Because it’s really not clear.

Yes it’s frustrating when you see women post about the whiny manchild they live with, but the solution is definitely not “you should just not tolerate it!”

I just hate it when the burden for “sorting out” useless men once again falls to women.

Get a fucking grip

It’s not that OP

It’s toxic masculinity and entitlement after decades , centuries of things being a certain way

Why would you expect a partner to always put you and the children first? Yes they should have you both at the forefront of their minds, but they're not slaves. I think a fair few on mn are of the " it has to he done my way" variety and then create a rod for their own back. And just talk about it. If you're giving up work listen to your partners take and discuss how chores will alter. But there is no magic solution other than give and take.

OP
Please don’t forget that you are fairly lucky in your man

Only when you have been in an abusive relationship are your eyes opened a bit

There are good men , we know they exist . I even know some !!!! Never dated any but that’s why I’m single

But the problem is a lot deeper and toxic than you might realise

And I am pleased you don’t have this , I have sons . I love that good men exist , really

But there is a world of pain out there you truly might not be aware of . That’s why people have reacted so

I used to have a (Ex) partner that would get intro a screaming row when I asked him to wash up . So verbal abuse !!

That’s why people are upset , I hope you can see that ??

Not sure if you feel you're making a new observation or revelation , OP. Surely you are just agreeing with the many posts on here. What do you think these women mean by "My husband doesn't do enough around the house" if not 'he doesn't work with me as a team'?

It also seems as if maybe you think that solving this inequality is as simple as identifying a lack of teamwork and deciding it's not to be tolerated or accepted. Many men like the status quo and aren't remotely interested in working as a team.

It's great that you and your husband share the load equally, and yes I can imagine that maybe farming might sometimes lend itself to that. But I'm not sure how these observations might enlighten or help any non-farmers with lazy husbands.