AIBU to think that some people have forgotten how to work as a team?

[Ruralrose]

Hiya I have been reading Mumsnet for a while but havent dared to post as yet.... so here I go.

I have recently read a fair few posts where people are talking about who should do what jobs in the home and complaining that one person does too little or whatever.

I don't get it. I have never sat down with my husband and planned jobs. When he was working full time and I was at home with our brood of children I did the majority of stuff around the house and he did less.

When I went into work he then started doing more around the house and now that we both work full time hours we naturally have adjusted again without discussion and do the same amount around the house.
There are things that will always be my jobs and jobs that are always his. But we are a partnership. We are a team. If something doesnt work then we talk about it and sort it.

I wonder if our background helps.. growing up in farming is after all different to many other ways of life. You have to be part of a team from day one. I wonder whether so many marriages are failing because people are putting their own interests above the interests of the 'team'.

Am I wrong to want to tell people to get a grip?!

That's an amazing insight OP. Well done.

I agree OP. We’ve never sat down and discussed ‘roles’.

If I work late DH does the dinner, if he needs to go out then I have the kids. If we both can’t be bothered we do it together.

No brainer really

I would argue that farming is one of the worst cultures for men expecting women to pick up the majority of the mental and domestic load. I'm sure most of the men involved would claim it was working as a team but it's never usually a very equal team.

That's certainly the experience of me and all of my female farming friends.

@Scrowy

I would argue that farming is one of the worst cultures for men expecting women to pick up the majority of the mental and domestic load. I'm sure most of the men involved would claim it was working as a team but it's never usually a very equal team.

That's certainly the experience of me and all of my female farming friends.

Untrue.

I think you need to consider the hours worked on the farm especially at certain times of year. 4am till 10pm at the moment. It would be incredibly cruel to then expect the person (whether male or female) to come in and do a load of house chores.

Both men and women work mega hard in farming. Some women choose to work hard on the farm, or get jobs elsewhere. There are also some women who choose to take on the traditional farmers wife role and love it and thrive on it.

I would choose to be married to a farmer over a bloke who works in an office every day. I am glad I met my farmer.

If one person isnt pulling their weight then they have forgotten how to work as a team and that isn't good and shouldn't be tolerated or accepted.

You've just answered your own question!

Well it's not untrue.

It might not be your experience in your family, but it's well documented to be true for lots of women in farming and its disingenuous to try and claim otherwise to fit your agenda.

Farmers are also some of the worst for being shit at working as a team. You don't have to read many copies of the farmers guardian to see family fall outs and squabbles over succession are absolutely rife in the industry. If you think mumsnet is bad for MIL problems it's NOTHING in comparison to some of the in law problems experienced by women on the farming Facebook groups.

Your experience of farming is entirely different to mine and many others. But lucky you, it sounds like you have a good balance that works for you.

@Scrowy

Well it's not untrue.

It might not be your experience in your family, but it's well documented to be true for lots of women in farming and its disingenuous to try and claim otherwise to fit your agenda.

Farmers are also some of the worst for being shit at working as a team. You don't have to read many copies of the farmers guardian to see family fall outs and squabbles over succession are absolutely rife in the industry. If you think mumsnet is bad for MIL problems it's NOTHING in comparison to some of the in law problems experienced by women on the farming Facebook groups.

Your experience of farming is entirely different to mine and many others. But lucky you, it sounds like you have a good balance that works for you.

I am in the farming groups and come from a long farming line. I work in farming. Socialise with farmers etc.

Farmers work damn hard. It's a pity that you are so negative about our industry. Btw an issue with in laws is totally different to having an issue with your partner.

So you would make a man or woman who has spent all day and half the night working, do the housework whilst you sit on your backside?

Because that's what some women on mumsnet want.

I don't think people have forgotten how to work as a team; I think lockdown and working from home has made it clear how many choose not to work as a team. It has probably also strengthened some relationships, although it's been a pretty relentless time for everyone.

I think you are right to some extent about farming. If cattle get out, everyone knows they need to pitch in. (Turns out that if you say, "we've got a cattle out situation" in the middle of the office, most people don't know what you're on about, though...) But farmers are just like other humans, and there are good ones and bad ones, and some are better at team work than others. Some farmers are complete dickheads, just like any other field of life, and they certainly don't all pitch in round the house, regardless of whether they have worked a long or short day.

Also, if you're on a farm, I suspect lockdown hasn't been as hard in some ways. Living on a farm means you probably have more space, so can take a break from each other if needed, even if it's just a walk. Not quite the same can be said for an inner city family of four in a small flat with no garden. Everyone lives with different stresses.

If one person isnt pulling their weight then they have forgotten how to work as a team and that isn't good and shouldn't be tolerated or accepted

Okay, so what's the solution?

In answer to your question 'AIBU to tell them to get a grip' - yes, you are.

I'm going to re-post here something that I said in response to another poster recently, about the way that some people judge others on here who don't have perfect partners or spouses. And whilst my post talks about mistreatment and abuse, you could also apply it to laziness.

There is a small but significant cohort of women on MN who seem to think that they are superior simply because their partners and spouses aren't (or weren't) arseholes.

This superiority manifests itself by judging other women who have been cheated on, or treated badly, or abused. They make comments and statements that heavily imply that this treatment is the OP's fault because she failed to pick a good partner. Whereas the superior MNer is convinced that their own spouse or partner would never behave that way, and they feel that this is because they were more clever and more intuitive when choosing a partner.

There but for the grace of God and all that. How many threads have there been over the years where the OP starts off by saying that she never ever would have thought it would happen to her? A little kindness and humility goes a long way.

Posted too soon. What would you do if your DH wasn't pulling his weight?

Unless you've been with a useless partner it's very easy to say don't put up with it. Sometimes putting up with it means an easier life or keeping your family together. By not putting up with it you have to, ultimately be prepared to leave as a last resort and in that case you'd be a single parent and doing everything yourself anyway.

Don't be daft I'm not being negative about farming, I'm one of its biggest advocates on here. Doesn't mean I can't be realistic about some of the problems it still has with sexism.

Stop trying to make out farmers are some special breed of super team workers.

Some are good at working as a team and some aren't.

Some pull their weight in the house and with the children and some don't.

Just like men in every profession and every relationship ever.

There's tons of women in farming on mumsnet. I'm sure some will agree with you and some will agree with me, like the partners of bankers/ cab drivers/ Shop workers/ mechanics/ nurses/ engineers etc.

Lockdown seems to have caused this issue to come up a lot more than usual recently and the smuggy smugness of the women who come on to brag about their perfect partners when lots of others are clearly struggling is getting wearing.

And yes I would expect him to help with the house work when he has been working because it's just as much his mess as mine and I have been working too. Or does a penis make people exempt from having to do housework as well as working still?

I get what you’re saying but if I had dared to broach the subject of sharing domestic chores with my ex , I’d have probably been given a mouthful of abuse at best or a black eye at worse.
You make it sound so straight forward but sadly for a lot of women it’s not.

So, seriously, what is your point, OP? That couples should work as a team and adapt the share of chores fairly according to the workloads of the two partners? Well, no shit, Sherlock! Everybody knows that's how it should work in a fair and equal relationship, but not all relationships are fair and equal!