Exotic holiday with mum. Leave husband/kids behind?

[MissMudskipper]

It's my 40th next year and my mum has always said she'd love to take me away abroad as a girls holiday her treat. Bear in mind I'm married with 2 kids. My dad is retired and put on a lot of weight since doing so. He's told my mum he cant cope with any long haul flights now.

I've mentioned it in passing before about going away maybe to my husband whose never been too keen on the idea.

Today, mum rang and said she'd found a deal in a location I've always dreamt of going but couldnt with the kids as it's more adult orientated. It's a long haul flight around 10 hours or so. I said I'd have to discuss it with husband. She said it would be 14 nights which immediately I said I couldn't be away for that long it would need to be 7 at the most. Kids will be 6 and 11 at this point. She was looking at August (my birthday is September).

So as not to drip feed we plan on going abroad on a family holiday next Ocyober half term - me, husband and kids. We also need to rearrange our long weekend away as his 40th was in May but that didnt happen due to lockdown.

Tried to discuss it reasonably this evening. I knew it wouldnt get well. I asked him for his thoughts to which he got annoyed (as expected) saying he thought I was selfish as well as my mum. I understand this as I know the kids would be upset and I'd miss them loads! He told me if I went I might as well stay there. He then calmed down and said he thought my mum was always trying to do one better and I should go if I really wanted. He wouldn't stop me.

I know theres so much going on in the world right now. I just needed to know what peoples thought's were. I'd love to go but not to the cost of my marriage and upsetting the kids. Sorry for the long post didnt want to drip feed!!

Would I be completely unreasonable on my family to go?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Your mom could pay for you both to go instead & she could have the kids

Stick a broom up her arse and sweep the floor while she's at it? Mothers are allowed to be humans as well, who like holidays.

[Tobebythesea]

Is there any possibility that your DH is annoyed as he would like to take you somewhere himself?

[Tobebythesea]

On a side note, if it’s a tropical location, please check out the season/typical weather for August. It might be raining a lot.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

When the sexes are reversed on here and it's the man going away the opinion is always it's fine but then the wife gets the same. So, can is he able to take the same amount of time and go and do something for him, especially if his 40th birthday celebration has been cancelled.

[theculture]

I think doing something with your mum is nice

But a week of your husbands vacation used up to facilitate it is a big ask - he'll be knackered at the end. Could you steer him to taking the kids on holiday as well during that week so instead of being at home without mum it's a different fun experience for them together

Or as a PP suggested go outside school holidays?

[theculture]

Agree with above poster about his 40th, it would be twisting the knife!

[vanillandhoney]

I think there are a few issues here:

• I wouldn't fly 10 hours for a weeks holiday. You'll be absolutely exhausted and will probably spend your first day too tired to do much of anything. It's a long way to go for such a short period of time.

• expecting your husband to use his annual leave to do 24/7 childcare (plus more because you'll be jet-lagged as hell when you get back) while you go off on holiday is a bit of a kick in the teeth really.

I would plan the holiday for a time when your kids are in school so DH can still work - surely it'll be cheaper term-time anyway? And I wouldn't plan it to be over your actual birthday - won't DH and the kids want to see you on your big day?

Your mum can take you away later in the year as a belated present if she wants.

[MotherofKitties]

Your husband sounds jealous and petty and you should go.

My mum went on holidays by herself without me or my siblings and we survived. I've gone on girly holidays without my DH or child and they've survived. It is ok to take time for yourself without your DH or kids.

It's your 40th, a big occasion, it's lovely you have that kind of relationship with your mum and you should take the opportunity to go on what sounds like an amazing treat.

Go. Even after his initial misgivings your DH said you should go, so do it and enjoy.

[Bedroomdilemma]

Why August? I wouldn’t be delighted having to take a week AL so my dh could jet off on holiday. Would it not be better to go in September? Your children would probably not miss you as much as well if they were occupied with school.

[understandmenow]

Firstly, stop thinking your children will be upset, why would they? Mum and NaN gone on holiday for a week, dads off work so we're having great fun doing different things with dad, it's a great adventure (and no doubt dad will spoil them and mum and nan bring us back presents).

I'd try for 10 days if possible, give you a bit more time actually holidaying.

You won't be "jet lagged as hell" when you get back, you'll be recharged and raring to go.

It's great that you want to go on holiday with your mum, it's good for your children to see.

They'll appreciate you more when you get back.

One week of his leave spent with the children alone is lovely, they'll be in holiday mode and have great fun as long as DH has a positive attitude. Not sure why people think it's a hardship for DH to do this?

My DH and I often had to split weeks for childcare reasons, it was absolutely fine.... obviously!


Go, enjoy, relax and have fun.

[recycledbottle]

Your DH is unreasonable but I suspect their is a backstory here. I think it is odd that your DM would say that she found a perfect holiday which involves you being away for two weeks during school holidays when the only childcare option is for your husband to use over half his annual leave. How is that perfect? I know you said 7 days but 7 days is not suitable for a long haul destination. A 5 to 7 day break during a school week. Lovely. But what your DM suggested is not realistic imv which is why I think there is some back story about DH,DM and boundaries.

[BanginChoons]

Oh definitely go, he is being selfish. And those who are saying it's unfair he has to use holiday to take care of the kids obviously haven't read the bit which says your mum has done a big chunk of holiday care in the past, and you have used your holiday to care for them in the school holidays too.

I've flown 10 hours for a week, it was incredible. This is a brilliant opportunity and your husband should be supporting you to take it. You kids are big enough to be cared for relatively easily, and their dad could plan some days out. It sounds to me he is annoyed as the bulk of the caring will be his responsibility not yours for once, which is not ok.

[AGrownManMadeWager]

I wouldn't go in the summer holidays and I definitely wouldn't fly 10 hours for only 7 nights but that's personal preference.
Other than that your dh is being an arse.

[MaryShelley1818]

Absolutely go, what a very kind and thoughtful gesture from your mam.

Absolutely zero problem with that flight time for a weeks holiday. I've done a week in Vegas and Maldives and of course wasn't "too exhausted" to enjoy it. I was too excited!!

I'm absolutely appalled at the posters thinking it's terrible for a "poor man" to use a weeks Annual Leave to spend time with his own children. And referring to it as "childcare" The mind boggles at the type of relationships people put up with. My DH would love a week off with DS, they'd have some great adventures. You don't provide childcare for your own bloody children and if spending time alone with them is such an awful waste of leave there's something wrong.

[heartsonacake]

YANBU. I’ve done this before. When I mentioned it to DH he told me to go and have fun with my mum.

It’s very rare an adult gets one on one time with their parent and they won’t be here forever. It should be cherished.

[understandmenow]

expecting your husband to use his annual leave to do 24/7 childcare (plus more because you'll be jet-lagged as hell when you get back) while you go off on holiday is a bit of a kick in the teeth really.

A kick in the teeth spending a week with his children, WTF!!!

[EttasEden]

Go, go, go! I went on one with my mum for my 30th, it was so lovely and I would go again. I don't have any DC but I think your two are old enough to be fine with you leaving for a week. Parents are still humans and need a break. Would your DH have an issue with you going with one of your DC for a special birthday in the future? If not, then he has no reason to object to this. He is a bit jealous and clearly doesn't want to hold the Fort when you're away. Out of interest does he go away without you ever?

[PrivateD00r]

understand, when people work FT and use a week of annual leave, they would normally envisage having the opportunity to do activities together as a whole family. I would see it as a kick in the teeth if DH decided to bugger off during our one week off together too, we don't get very many off together after all!

OP, does he know your mum had hoped for 2 weeks? I can see why he would be annoyed at that to be honest. As others said, even if it had been September, it would have been a lot better!

In theory though, there really is nothing wrong with you going away for a week, especially when there's a family holiday planned too. I hope you have a wonderful time

[moveandmove]

I think 7 days is too short for a 10 hour flight. When you add in time at the airport before and after your flights each way plus transfers from the airport you won't actually have much free time there so seems a waste.
I also agree with other pp in that it would make more sense for you go while the children are at school to save dh from taking annual leave.

[NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite]

"Today, mum rang and said she'd found a deal in a location I've always dreamt of going but couldnt with the kids as it's more adult orientated."
Your mum gets to take you to somewhere you've always dreamt of going to as a 40th birthday treat.
Your DH had his 40th during lockdown so you had to cancel your long weekend away celebrating it.
Your DH said he thought your mum was "always trying to do one better".

There is clearly more to this for your DH to make that comment about your mum. He obviously feels 'less than' in some way.

Can you not see how this looks to him? He would probably like to be the one who takes you to the place you've always dreamt of going to.

Whatever you do about this holiday, you need to realise there are undercurrents in your relationship that need to be resolved anyway.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

When DS was that age, covering the whole of the summer holidays was always a stretch, so from that point of view I'm not sure about using 10 days holiday (collectively) to cover 5 days, if you see what I mean. Other than that, he's being a dick.

[Sceptimum]

10 hour flight won't give you serious lag, I have gone further for less time (work-related) and been fine. I would absolutely go and try and find some help for him to get through the week solo (meal delivery/maybe book a cleaner). Can you not find camps/care for the kids in Summer?

[understandmenow]

@PrivateD00r I've had children, once in a lifetime having a week alone with your children is not a kick in the teeth, it's a total over reaction to say it is.

The PP also said "expecting her husband" AKA as the children's father.

[MissMudskipper]

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite thank you for your comment I really appreciate it and it made me think. He's always been slightly upset and annoyed that my parents have got a fair amount of money whereas we haven't. They've worked hard and saved a decent amount. Mums still working. Dad's retired. They are always very generous to our kids as they are their only grandchildren and admittedly do like to spoil them.

I know that he feels like they are always trying to go one better which of course they arent they just love their grandkids and want to see them happy. I've asked them to reign it in which they have.

I was thinking about a weeks day camp for the kids. They went to a sports camp last year for 2 weeks and loved it! So that could be an option to save his holidays.

[MissMudskipper]

EttasEden he's never been away on his own since we've had the kids. Before then he would occasionally go watch his football club at big matches abroad. He went to Rome and Lyon without me but again this was before the kids which is different.