Exotic holiday with mum. Leave husband/kids behind?

[MissMudskipper]

It's my 40th next year and my mum has always said she'd love to take me away abroad as a girls holiday her treat. Bear in mind I'm married with 2 kids. My dad is retired and put on a lot of weight since doing so. He's told my mum he cant cope with any long haul flights now.

I've mentioned it in passing before about going away maybe to my husband whose never been too keen on the idea.

Today, mum rang and said she'd found a deal in a location I've always dreamt of going but couldnt with the kids as it's more adult orientated. It's a long haul flight around 10 hours or so. I said I'd have to discuss it with husband. She said it would be 14 nights which immediately I said I couldn't be away for that long it would need to be 7 at the most. Kids will be 6 and 11 at this point. She was looking at August (my birthday is September).

So as not to drip feed we plan on going abroad on a family holiday next Ocyober half term - me, husband and kids. We also need to rearrange our long weekend away as his 40th was in May but that didnt happen due to lockdown.

Tried to discuss it reasonably this evening. I knew it wouldnt get well. I asked him for his thoughts to which he got annoyed (as expected) saying he thought I was selfish as well as my mum. I understand this as I know the kids would be upset and I'd miss them loads! He told me if I went I might as well stay there. He then calmed down and said he thought my mum was always trying to do one better and I should go if I really wanted. He wouldn't stop me.

I know theres so much going on in the world right now. I just needed to know what peoples thought's were. I'd love to go but not to the cost of my marriage and upsetting the kids. Sorry for the long post didnt want to drip feed!!

Would I be completely unreasonable on my family to go?

[mmgirish]

I think it would be great to spend time with your mum. Sounds like a great idea. Your husband does sound jealous. I would do it, I think your should go for it! How many more opportunities are you going to get like this??

[Settlersofcatan]

Why does your DH do so little school holiday childcare usually? What does he do with his annual leave?

[vanillandhoney]

A kick in the teeth spending a week with his children, WTF!!!

I think it is a bit of a kick in the teeth, yes. She uses a week annual leave and gets to go on a nice child-free holiday with her mum to a lovely destination, whereas her DH has to use his stuck home for a week with two young children and no chance of a break.

What would be fair is if DH booked his own week long getaway and OP had to use a week of her annual leave doing the same thing in return.

Annual leave when you have children is precious and I don't think many would appreciate having to use it to solo parent while their partner buggered off on a nice adults only holiday.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

The prerequisites for me when deciding on something like this:-

1. Can we afford for me to go?
2. Will our family still be able to do our usual family holiday?

As long as both of these is a yes, then dh or I would then do the holiday with others. It wouldnt even factor in about whether the other one would be ok with full time parenting for the week - it's part of parenting to pick up the slack when the other parent isn't there.

[Mornington1]

I think you should go, for your mum, not for you. It's a one-off not a regular annual trip.

[FlamingDorito]

Is he upset because he'll have to look after the kids on his own?

He sounds like a twat! He should be happy for you!

I went through a really shit time earlier this year and my husband waved me off (and paid for!) A nice mini break abroad to see family without him and the kids. He also then paid an arm and a leg to get me home again as I got trapped their due to CV when my original flight back was cancelled! He didn't whinge at all, he just wanted me to have a nice time.

Your H sounds selfish.

[whiteroseredrose]

It sounds like your husband is being mean. He is jealous and resents your parents' financial security.

My parents are far wealthier than us as are DH's for that matter. C'est la vie. So when they offer a treat we happily accept.

I have been away with my DM, my DGM and my DStepM over the years and DH has looked after the DC.

But my DM has also looked after the DC so that we could have a weekend break. Would that be possible? Living Social and Wowcher do some very cheap UK hotel breaks.

As PP have said, a fortnight is a long time, but your DC are not babies so a week should be fine. Your DH should be able to cope, he is their father after all.

[FlamingDorito]

What would be fair is if DH booked his own week long getaway and OP had to use a week of her annual leave doing the same thing in return

It's her 40th birthday... It's a treat FOR HER. Her DH should be able to go with something being a bit 'unfair' on him for a week so his wife can be a bit spoilt for her birthday.

Are couples really so rigid about what's fair (poor baby) and what isn't? Especially when it comes to spoiling your OH a bit for a big celebration??

[understandmenow]

@vanillandhoney it's a once in a lifetime trip, not a regular occurrence. One week in the whole of the children's "young" lifetime is not a kick in the teeth.

Also "nice child free holiday", I really enjoyed the holidays I had with my children when they were young, you make it sound like a chore. Holidays with children are also nice, but in a different way.

[Nearlyalmost50]

He's pathetic, I've always supported my husband to do big trips (without me if I'm working), once in a lifetime holidays, like to China. I don't care at all that he's having the time of his life! I've also supported him to have a couple of trips with his dad, not big holidays but shorter weekends or weeks that have been really bonding. I really don't mind if he goes away separately though, I do as well for work, we also holiday together, I can't imagine living this hemmed in life.

[FlamingDorito]

Why doesn't your DH use the week off with the kids to do something with them? Go camping? Do a few days out or whatever? He doesn't have to sit at home in a dark room waiting for you.

Something tells me he probably won't want to do that though as it means sorting it out himself and having to look after them on his own.

[C0RA]

I don’t see the issue. My husband has been away for more than two weeks many many times, starting when the youngest was 6 weeks old. So I don’t see the problem leaving children of 6 and 11. They are old enough to FaceTime you every day.

[FlamingDorito]

It just strikes me as so incredibly selfish moaning about it being unfair.

Me and my DH love each others birthdays and spoiling each other. If my DH had the opportunity to do this for a big birthday I'd be so supportive, I wouldn't care if it was 'unfair' on me. I love him and it's about him not me. I'd be nothing but excited for him I don't get why you wouldn't be for someone you claim to love.

[Generallybewildered]

I went to the Maldives with my sister for a week leaving my 9&7 year olds with their dad and MIL. I went during term time but a camp would work just as well. The flights were long (change in Colombo) but 7 nights in the Maldives more than made up for it. My hubby was fine with me going but he does have regular “boys only” breaks. Nothing as big as the Maldives but they add up. I’m definitely going to do it again!

[NoProblem123]

Definitely go ! What a lovely thing for her to do, you’re both going to have a fabulous time - Big Envy

[Ellisandra]

I do not get this attitude of oh poor him using a week of annual leave to look after his kids
I take annual leave from my full time job BECAUSE I want to be with my kids. I love taking time off to be with them.

[houseforanartlover]

Your husband is jealous, pure and simple. A week away with your mum for your birthday sounds amazing. When I have travelled for work in the past, my partner works and looks after our DC - he manages just fine. It's only a week! It's ok for you to do something nice for yourself, without being made to feel guilty or selfish. Go for it!

[JudyGemstone]

Definitely go, and go for 10-14 days if you want.

Kids will be fine. Maybe their dad can do some fun things with them?

I can't believe a loving partner would be anything other than supportive of this.

[justkeepmovingon]

I wouldn't even be hesitating, just take the time with your mum, take 10 days.. with long haul this makes up for travel.

I've been away lots alone, with friends without the kids at various ages, because I needed a break.

I promise you they won't miss you too much the break will do you all good, and it's nice to have the opportunity to miss them, it's like a reset because then you really appreciate them when you get home and they will appreciate you.

As for DH I have no words, why wouldn't he want his wife to have an amazing holiday with her mum? What an opportunity, he can manage some childcare, holiday camp? Friends helping out it's only 10 days of his life?

[Spied]

It's a one-off for a special Birthday.
I think you should go and have a great time with your Mum and it's not like she's stealing you for girly getaways every year.
DH sounds like he resents your Mum and your close bond.

[toinfinityandlockdown]

My kids are younger, but my DH would be supportive as I have been to him when he has been away with family without me (not regularly but for special occasions).

[MissMarplesHandbag]

YANBU
How lovely of your Mum.
I think you’d husband is being pretty selfish, especially as you’ve reduce it to 7 nights.
A 10 hour flight for 7 nights is fine (I’ve done it a few times - yes, you have a shorter trip, but a holiday in an exotic location is still a holiday in an exotic location!)
Go and have a fabulous time (but do just check the weather).

[Nottherealslimshady]

Me and my husband actually have an agreement where we both get upto a weeks holiday without the other. We dont have children yet but we fully intend to continue it and have already discussed it. It's important to not always be a mother and a wife. You are also your own person.

I think it sounds lovely for you and your mum to have this time together, you'll resent him for refusing those memories.

I'd make a deal with him that he also gets a holiday. Not to the maldives on your buck since you're not actually spending family money. But he should also get some time being himself. I'd also suggest he plans some awesome days out with the kids for while you're gone. Heyll appreciate some time with just their dad building their own memories and the week will be over in no time

[Tappering]

It's my 40th next year and my mum has always said she'd love to take me away abroad as a girls holiday her treat

Fair enough. Sounds reasonable and lots of people do Mum and Daughter holidays for milestones.

I've mentioned it in passing before about going away maybe to my husband whose never been too keen on the idea

He's not the one being asked to go. This statement is more about the fact that he doesn't want you to go anywhere.

Tried to discuss it reasonably this evening. I knew it wouldnt get well. I asked him for his thoughts to which he got annoyed (as expected) saying he thought I was selfish as well as my mum.

Why is it selfish to want to go on holiday? I agree 14 days is a bit too long, but a week is fine. Again, this sounds like the fact that he doesn't want you to go anywhere. And how is your Mum selfish for wanting to give you a lovely birthday present? He's jealous.

He told me if I went I might as well stay there. He then calmed down and said he thought my mum was always trying to do one better and I should go if I really wanted.

And here we get to the crux of the problem. Notice how his first reaction is to make a ridiculous and hysterical statement - that if you go away for a week's holiday then don't come back! It's so completely over the top. But he's trying to guilt trip you into saying no, because he doesn't want you to go anywhere.

The comments about your Mum are pure jealousy - and tie into your later comment He's always been slightly upset and annoyed that my parents have got a fair amount of money whereas we haven't. He is absolutely jealous.

I bet you that if your Mum had said she wanted to take all of you away on a paid-for holiday, he'd be packing his suitcase quicker than you can say 'freebie'. But because it's a birthday present for you, he's kicking off and moaning and applying the emotional blackmail to try and get you to turn it down. If he can't have fun, then nobody else should be allowed to.

School holidays usually I take time off with the kids or my parents will have them. He will sometimes take a week off here and there but I do tend to do the majority.

And I suspect this is the underlying cause of the guilt-tripping - because not only will you be going away and having fun with the in-laws that he resents for having more money than him, but he will actually have to look after the kids on his own.

He wouldn't stop me.

Yeah but I bet you'd get comments, and sighs and passive aggressive bullshit in the run up to the holiday. And then pathetic little messages and calls whilst you were away. And then the cold shoulder for 'abandoning' your family when you got back.

I have been on holiday with my parents without DH. They paid for my hotel but I had to pay for the flight and my spending money. Told DH that Mum had asked me to go away with them - his response was to help me book a flight and he went and got my currency for me as he worked closer to a post office. He dropped me off and collected me from the airport. He cheerfully said he was jealous of me getting a week in the sun (we couldn't afford to go away ourselves at that point), but he wanted me to have a good time and bring him back a good souvenir.

Likewise he went away without me (again, family-related, couldn't afford to go together). Of course I was envious that he was in the sun and I was in the pissing rain commuting to and from work. But I was happy he got the chance to go and wanted him to enjoy the break. After all, if you truly love and care for someone, why wouldn't you want them to enjoy a lovely present being given to them?

[KitKat1985]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YAB (a bit) U. I wouldn't be chuffed about having to take a weeks annual leave to cover childcare to facilitate my partner going on holiday if I'm totally honest. Also if your Mum pays for the holiday presumably you will have to take all your own spending money and cover costs such as food and transportation to and from the airports etc, which will probably still be several hundred. Can you afford that without it affecting what you can afford to do as a family?

And to be honest I wouldn't do a 10 hour flight each way for a weeks holiday. You'll be so jet-lagged and wiped out you won't be up to doing much childcare for a day or two when you get back either. Could you do a break in Europe or something instead?

I think if you do this then out of fairness your DH should be able to have a few days to do something he wants later in the year.