Exotic holiday with mum. Leave husband/kids behind?

[MissMudskipper]

It's my 40th next year and my mum has always said she'd love to take me away abroad as a girls holiday her treat. Bear in mind I'm married with 2 kids. My dad is retired and put on a lot of weight since doing so. He's told my mum he cant cope with any long haul flights now.

I've mentioned it in passing before about going away maybe to my husband whose never been too keen on the idea.

Today, mum rang and said she'd found a deal in a location I've always dreamt of going but couldnt with the kids as it's more adult orientated. It's a long haul flight around 10 hours or so. I said I'd have to discuss it with husband. She said it would be 14 nights which immediately I said I couldn't be away for that long it would need to be 7 at the most. Kids will be 6 and 11 at this point. She was looking at August (my birthday is September).

So as not to drip feed we plan on going abroad on a family holiday next Ocyober half term - me, husband and kids. We also need to rearrange our long weekend away as his 40th was in May but that didnt happen due to lockdown.

Tried to discuss it reasonably this evening. I knew it wouldnt get well. I asked him for his thoughts to which he got annoyed (as expected) saying he thought I was selfish as well as my mum. I understand this as I know the kids would be upset and I'd miss them loads! He told me if I went I might as well stay there. He then calmed down and said he thought my mum was always trying to do one better and I should go if I really wanted. He wouldn't stop me.

I know theres so much going on in the world right now. I just needed to know what peoples thought's were. I'd love to go but not to the cost of my marriage and upsetting the kids. Sorry for the long post didnt want to drip feed!!

Would I be completely unreasonable on my family to go?

[vanillandhoney]

[quote understandmenow]@vanillandhoney it's a once in a lifetime trip, not a regular occurrence. One week in the whole of the children's "young" lifetime is not a kick in the teeth.

Also "nice child free holiday", I really enjoyed the holidays I had with my children when they were young, you make it sound like a chore. Holidays with children are also nice, but in a different way. [/quote]
No, not a chore at all - but it's not really comparable, is it? A child-free holiday is arguably much more relaxing than one where you have to constantly have your eye on your kids.

Of course it's not a kick in the teeth for the OP or for the children, but a when you don't get much annual leave as it is, I think it's normal to feel a bit pissed off that you have to use a week of yours on childcare when your wife gets to go off on a nice holiday on her own - especially when your own 40th birthday treat was cancelled due to Covid.

I do think it would be nice for OP to do the same in order for her husband to be able to have his own childfree week away.

[C0RA]

@KitKat1985

I wouldn't be chuffed about having to take a weeks annual leave to cover childcare to facilitate my partner going on holiday if I'm totally honest

He’s not taking AL to allow her to go on holiday. He’s taking AL to care for his own children, just as she does every year. They are HIS children.

[ScarfLadysBag]

God, my DH has been encouraging me to book a holiday away with my best friend for months!

Let me guess: you do the bulk of the childcare, OP? That's always the way on these threads. Woman has done 90% of childcare and carries entirety of mental load for family. Man doesn't know how/doesn't want to learn how to look after his own children.

Given you spend way more of the school holidays with them then he can stump up a week of his annual leave to do the same and let the woman he loves enjoy a nice holiday with her mum for a special birthday.

[pjmask]

Firstly to the jet lag - bollocks, I've been to Vegas many times for 5-7 days, OP you'll manage, you'll lose a day's sleep and you'll be so buzzing from it all when you get back you'll get through it!

Secondly to the "he'll be exhausted, I wouldn't want to take a weeks annual leave to facilitate a partners holiday etc" - what sad and transactional relationships you must all have if you can't be happy for your partner to enjoy ONE week away in ten years, and resent using one sixth of your annual leave to support them in this

Thirdly, when my DH goes away with his mates I enjoy that time with the kids. So does he when I'm away. Sometimes I have them on my own, sometimes he does. Comments on here say "stuck at home covering childcare" and "exhausting" We are talking about a six and 11 year old ffs! How depressing that some people find the thought of using annual leave and spending time with their kids such a chore!

Op go, but don't be all apologetic about it, this will just validate his sense of injustice. Surely he must have some friends he could go away with? Why did he stop doing the football trips when you had kids? What does he actually do with his A/l by the way?

Ps - is it Vegas? You'll love it!

[Chapellass]

Your husband is being self-centred.

It would be lovely to have one to one time in a beautiful place with your mum, these opportunities don't come along every day (well never in your case) and you are your mother's child, the relationship is important! I would go in school time though - having done this a couple of times, it was easier to do it when they were in school. My kids were fine! DH was fine! I had a much needed break.,

The times I have been were with friends, were wholly supported by my DH - he bought me the flight for one trip as a surprise Xmas present. Btw both long haul, jet lag was fine without children!!

DH currently telling me to fly to see DB on my own as soon as I can (not seen him for over two years, long haul flight needed, not enough money for all to go).

I think you need to unpick why he's been so restrictive and emotionally manipulative about this. I think it will be hard to go if he's not on board as he may make the lead up hellish and you may feel anxious then whilst away.

[ScarfLadysBag]

Great post @pjmask

I've noticed that a lot of people on MN seem to care more about what they're 'entitled to' than people they apparently like and love. If my DH had the offer of a week's dream holiday as a treat from a close family member then I would be packing his bags for him! Just like he would do and has done for me In the past. Because we are not joined at the hip and we support each other and want each other to take opportunities that will be good for them.

'Doing childcare' is simply what happens when you have children. It's just your life. Presumably he was involved in the decision to have children and looking after them is kind of part of the deal. It seems OK for OP to use some of her annual leave to solo parent for school holidays every year but her DH being asked to use a week of his holiday to solo parent is a 'kick in the teeth' Maybe he can use this time to actually enjoy some one on one time with the children he chose to have, hmm?

[Howmuchlongercanthislast]

10 hour flight won't give you serious lag, I have gone further for less time (work-related) and been fine.

Depends:
Which direction
What time of day
What class of travel
How many drugs you are prepared to take.

I fly long haul many many times a year- both East and West.

[understandmenow]

@vanillandhoney did you miss the bit where OP said she uses her leave for childcare......also that her DM provides childcare also?

Maybe the DH needs to use his for the same reason once in a while? It's ok to use the MIL for childcare but not to say "thank you" you deserve a weeks relaxation with your DD whilst I step up and do my but. Without you I'd need to be taking time part of every school holiday

[Hotchox]

I think your best bet here is to offer a quid pro quo. At the moment it's "when you were 40 we're doing a weekend away if we can get round to arranging it, however for my 40th I'm off for a week somewhere exotic, can you look after the kids." - If you get him to organise going somewhere with his mates / male relatives, then your trip isn't anything like as one-sided. If he can't be bothered or doesn't want to, well that's on him, but if the offer's there, he can't really complain.

[understandmenow]

Absolutely 💯% @pjmask, honestly the lines like

whereas her DH has to use his stuck home for a week with two young children and no chance of a break.

Makes it sound like he's giving up half his life! They're not that young and actually he should be enjoying it. Why people have children if they find one week (in their entire children's lives to date ) alone with them such a chore I've no idea.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

@ScarfLadysBag

Great post *@pjmask*

I've noticed that a lot of people on MN seem to care more about what they're 'entitled to' than people they apparently like and love. If my DH had the offer of a week's dream holiday as a treat from a close family member then I would be packing his bags for him! Just like he would do and has done for me In the past. Because we are not joined at the hip and we support each other and want each other to take opportunities that will be good for them.

'Doing childcare' is simply what happens when you have children. It's just your life. Presumably he was involved in the decision to have children and looking after them is kind of part of the deal. It seems OK for OP to use some of her annual leave to solo parent for school holidays every year but her DH being asked to use a week of his holiday to solo parent is a 'kick in the teeth' Maybe he can use this time to actually enjoy some one on one time with the children he chose to have, hmm?

Presumably though, when op uses her annual leave for childcare her husband is there some of the time too, like evenings and weekends? She's not doing 24/7 alone is she?

And I don't think it's wrong for op to go but if it's not wrong for her to go then it's not wrong for him to have the same time for his 40th birthday celebration is it?

[understandmenow]

Presumably though, when op uses her annual leave for childcare her husband is there some of the time too, like evenings and weekends? She's not doing 24/7 alone is she

It's one week FFS, single parents do it all the time and from what I've seen cope just fine.

Honestly if people think that looking after their children alone for one week in an entire lifetime is so bloody difficult, I'm not sure why they had children. It's really not difficult to look after a 6 and 11 year old for a week.

[thereplycamefromanchorage]

Go for it. Your mum is obviously still young enough and healthy enough to enjoy this kind of holiday, plus it sounds as if it would be a one off, so why not go and enjoy this time with your mum.

If it were my dh, I would be really encouraging if he wanted to do this. Parents sadly aren't going to be around forever, if you want to do it, take this opportunity.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

It's so interesting to read these comments.

Dh is being mean, jealous, selfish, resentful, a twat because he's not happy about his wife going on holiday on her own.

When women post on here about their dh wanting to go on holiday alone the comments are - he's selfish, how can he expect you to look after the children 24/7 with no break, let him go on the condition you get equal time and money to go on your own holiday.

Interesting

[Hoppinggreen]

I wouldn’t go and I would be very pissed off at DH if he wanted to as well
It just wouldn’t work for us
But that’s us

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

When women post on here about their dh wanting to go on holiday alone the comments are - he's selfish, how can he expect you to look after the children 24/7 with no break, let him go on the condition you get equal time and money to go on your own holiday

You are incorrect.

I've only ever seen this where the dh is now on multiple breaks away alone, usually at the expense of the family holiday, nd sometimes even when their wife is heavily pregnant or with a newborn.

I've personally commented on threads where a woman is complaining that her dh is taking one break away and she doesn't want him to go purely because she doesn't want to do the same. It's unfair of her to stop him just because she doesn't want to do the same.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

@understandmenow

Presumably though, when op uses her annual leave for childcare her husband is there some of the time too, like evenings and weekends? She's not doing 24/7 alone is she

It's one week FFS, single parents do it all the time and from what I've seen cope just fine.

Honestly if people think that looking after their children alone for one week in an entire lifetime is so bloody difficult, I'm not sure why they had children. It's really not difficult to look after a 6 and 11 year old for a week.

I'm not saying he can't do it, or shouldn't do it.

I'm saying him using a weeks AL for this is not the same as op using her weeks AL for childcare, as the poster was saying.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

When women post on here about their dh wanting to go on holiday alone the comments are - he's selfish, how can he expect you to look after the children 24/7 with no break, let him go on the condition you get equal time and money to go on your own holiday

You are incorrect.

I've only ever seen this where the dh is now on multiple breaks away alone, usually at the expense of the family holiday, nd sometimes even when their wife is heavily pregnant or with a newborn.

I've personally commented on threads where a woman is complaining that her dh is taking one break away and she doesn't want him to go purely because she doesn't want to do the same. It's unfair of her to stop him just because she doesn't want to do the same.

Just because you've not seen those threads doesn't mean they don't happen.

Op even acknowledged that herself.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

I'm saying him using a weeks AL for this is not the same as op using her weeks AL for childcare

She uses multiple weeks to provide 8am-6pm (est) childcare mon-fri.

All her dh is doing is using one week of AL to cover 7 full days and nights. It's still far far below what she has done and is compressed into only needing to use one week of AL.

[montyliesandmontycries]

I think it’s a lovely idea and my DW wouldn’t make a fuss about me doing that as a rare treat. In fact I did go in a special hol with my family and she stayed home with the kids. And She’s planning on a trip with her DF to somewhere I would love to go to but it’s not practical with kids.

[ButteryPuffin]

I've only ever seen this where the dh is now on multiple breaks away alone, usually at the expense of the family holiday, nd sometimes even when their wife is heavily pregnant or with a newborn.

This certainly accounts for the vast majority of the posts like this I've seen. And it's also a feature of this kind of post that the husband expects to be able to do this (because 'he works hard' etc.) but doesn't want his wife to do it and leave him with the kids.

[montyliesandmontycries]

There is something special about getting one on one time with kids and doing g everything your way entirely for a week.
A mate went of for a 10 week trip and left her DH with the kids and they had a blast. Daddy’s ‘rules’ included more tv time, dinner on the beach, football IN the house, quite a few takeaways and getting to stay up later.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

Well, if it's no big deal then it won't be a problem for the dh to go away for a week by himself either will it?

The op can have a blast with the kids and enjoy the time with them too.

[strawberry2017]

Just because you have kids doesn't mean you never get to do anything for yourself anymore.
It's a one off holiday.
I honestly think my husband would say yes without hesitation. I would say the same to him.
In fact I did, He had a long weekend in Dublin and one in Poland last year!

[DilemmaADay]

You only get one mum, go and have a lovely time away with her and spend some quality time together.
Not like you're sacrificing the main family holiday or taking money out the 'family pot'. Your DH sounds like a controlling, manipulative arse to be fair.