To not understand my mum??

[SquishyBones]

Today I managed to get in touch with my late fathers best friend from the army. He and his wife were like brother and sister to him and my mum, they were very close. I called the woman “auntie”. My dad died when I was 11 and I lost contact with them. Almost 30 years later ... I found her on Facebook and I’ve been messaging her all day. She’s sent me old photos of my dad and has been so lovely. I called my mum all excited (she was very close to her remember) and told her that my dads best friend died 5 years ago. My mums response was “what did he die of? Is she with anyone else?”. I told her I’d not asked ... seemed intrusive to ask so she said “is she still really fat?”

This was her friend!? I just don’t understand her. She seems so hostile constantly. She also asked “did she say anything about me?” ... it’s all about her all the time. I thought she’d be happy

Presumably there was a reason they lost contact?

Yea sounds like there may be more to the friendship that you dont know about ?

Is your mum always this.... odd?

My mums the same. I lost my dad at 10 and she ditched a lot of good friends when she remarried. She won't share information because she likes to be mysterious and in control of information. If someone else uses their initiative then it takes the control away. Maybe she had a reason to lose touch but why not just say that?

YABVU. You have absolutely no idea what went on between them.

You were just a kid. I actually think it was quite wrong of you to just dredge this up after so many years when you don’t have a clue why they lost contact.

The friendship may have been with your dad and your mum was just there. To a child’s eye everything seemed perfect, but it probably wasn’t.

It’s sad they lost contact with you, and lovely you have made contact again. But keep your mum out of it, she sounds toxic.

She lost contact with them for a reason. Yanbu to expect her to jump for joy that you've made contact again. Just get on with it yourself and leave your mum out of it from now on.

But keep your mum out of it, she sounds toxic. Because she isn't jumping with joy at renewed contact with the wife of her deceased husband's best friend?

I just meant because she asked nasty questions - is she still fat.

And op dais she was really hostile.

Maybe toxic was the wrong word, what I meant was the mum clearly doesn’t like this woman, so why allow her into the rekindles relationship.

I will see your 🙄 and respond with a 😎

Yabvu.

You were a child..you don't know what went on really or why they lost touch. Your mum clearly doesn't want to revisit the past. You should respect that.

I’d say the relationship with your dads friends wife wasn’t as good as it seemed when you were a child

You need to ditch the judgementalism OP. Just because your mum doesn't conform to your expectations doesn't mean she's wrong, toxic, or anything else.
Have a bit of empathy.

Something clearly went on a few years ago. Maybe the couple didn’t keep in contact with your mum after and your mum feels bitter about it as maybe she feels they left her in her time of need?

It was lovely that you have been chatting and got what you needed from this lady, but it's really unfair to judge your mum for not feeling the same way. You have no idea why they fell out.

I found her on Facebook and I’ve been messaging her all day. She’s sent me old photos of my dad and has been so lovely

So? Anyone can be "lovely" talking over the internet for a single day. It doesn't mean anything.

Let’s not beat around the bush. Your dad was either having an affair with this ‘auntie’ at some level (could just be EA), or your mum was worried that he might. The ‘is she still fat’ comment, reflects her previous defence against the threat.

could there been anything between your dad and this woman that might be the reason ? you are only hearing the 'honeymoon' side of things. from your 'auntie' dm is not interested, she has her reasons and sadly df or his friend are not around to put there side across.

Or maybe it's simply quite a big shock for your mum to suddenly be presented with someone connected with her late husband. Perhaps it has rekindled her grief, which is manifesting as hostility?

If I've lost touch with someone it's for a reason, if one of my kids tracked them down I'd be pissed off.

It's not really your place to do this. I'm not surprised your mum isn't happy. People drop contact for a reason. This was an awful thing to do.

There’s clearly some history there on your mum’s part. As pp have said contact wasn’t maintained for a reason. I wouldn’t pursue it if I were you.

30 years is a long time you don't lose touch for no reason clearly your mum isn't fond as you thought, I would leave it and keep in contact with the woman and leave your mum to her bitterness.

You were a kid, looking at an adult friendship through rose-tinted child glasses.

More likely than not, there was a lot more to this "friendship" than meets the eye, certainly things you never saw, or knew about. Perhaps it's just a fact that your mum didn't like this woman all that much, but put up with her for the sake of your dad. Perhaps she felt this woman was crowding in on your dad, taking time and emotional bonds from her?

There could be any number of reasons why she reacted as she did.

But clearly she's not interested in re-establishing a friendship with this woman, so probably best you leave her out of it.

I have one of those. Don't tell her anything good, just the bad stuff then she will live a happy life....

The comment about her weight sounds like something my mother would have said about a friend. My mother was a toxic waste dump but put on an act -it fooled a lot of people and so she had a lot of friends. What they didn't know was that as soon as their back was turned she would stick the knife in, spread gossip, tell their secrets. Evil, evil bitch and the world is a better place without her.