To not understand my mum??

[SquishyBones]

Today I managed to get in touch with my late fathers best friend from the army. He and his wife were like brother and sister to him and my mum, they were very close. I called the woman “auntie”. My dad died when I was 11 and I lost contact with them. Almost 30 years later ... I found her on Facebook and I’ve been messaging her all day. She’s sent me old photos of my dad and has been so lovely. I called my mum all excited (she was very close to her remember) and told her that my dads best friend died 5 years ago. My mums response was “what did he die of? Is she with anyone else?”. I told her I’d not asked ... seemed intrusive to ask so she said “is she still really fat?”

This was her friend!? I just don’t understand her. She seems so hostile constantly. She also asked “did she say anything about me?” ... it’s all about her all the time. I thought she’d be happy

When i was a kid i could never understand why my mum and dad never asked both my nans (my grandads on both sides died very young) to sell their houses and just come and live with us. We could all 5 of us live in blissful happiness. We were all close. We were all family. Why aren't we always together?

I was about 14/15 when i learned neither of my nans kiked each other, my paternal grand mother hated my mum as well, my mum hated her back, my dad was intensely irritated by his MIL and my mum couldn't actually bare to be around her own mum for long either. The only reason we all ever got together at all (xmas and the occasional birthday) was purely for my sake :(

SO the point i'm making is (sorry) that what we see as a child is rarely the whole story.

You say you lost contact at 11 when your Dad died. Perhaps they left her high and dry and she's hurt. That would seem to me the most likely explanation.

There could be a lot more to it but equally your mum could be like mine. Thoughtless and a bit rude.

Nothing wrong with her, it's just her personality. I love her and call her out on it when it's too much but tolerate the lower level stuff.

Just wanted to clear things up!

My mum talks about this couple all the time, she always brings them into conversation and often repeats funny incidents and conversations that she remembers.
I didn’t track her down to rekindle my mums friendship, I tracked her down because she was so close to my dad (well, her husband was but obviously he’s died). Her husband was best man at their wedding and vice versa.

My mum had mentioned the couple (again) yesterday morning and I said “I wonder if I could find her on Facebook?” And my mum replied “ooo yes! You should try! They’d love to hear from you!”

So I did. I then rang my mum back to tell her I’d found her and she initially acted all excited and pleased. She said it was great that I’d found her and asked me to ring her back when I’d spoken to her more.

So I rang her back last night ... total change of mood (I suspect as my “half” sister was there and she was trying to make out that I’m a nuisance ringing her all the time 🙄). That’s when she started asking if she was really fat etc

She does this all the time, if anyone else is there she tries to make out that she’s not interested in me. She’s always done it.

So ... if something bad happened in the past why fucking lie all these years? Can’t be doing with half truths and mind games.

If you want to keep in touch with this woman then you can. However I wouldn't mention it to your mum, obviously something has happened that you're not aware of. Or is your mum often like this?

She’s always like this. She’s constantly going on about people being fat. Gets annoyed if people succeed in life ... makes snide comments if someone does well for themselves etc

Example, my uncle moved to a nice little village and my mum said “why has he moved there? They always have to try and be better than anyone else don’t they? Bet he can’t afford it really” etc

So your mother likes to make out you are a nuisance when others are around?

Explore this new contact and enjoy it.

Perhaps keep further information to yourself and take a step back from your mother if she makes you feel bad.

Be less available.

You need to ditch the judgementalism OP. Just because your mum doesn't conform to your expectations doesn't mean she's wrong, toxic, or anything else.
Have a bit of empathy.

So OP is being judgemental, and instead should shift her response to be more like the person who said of her former friend 'is she still fat?' because that would be more empathetic?