To hate how women speak tentatively

[amillionnamechangeslater000]

I’ve noticed it on podcasts, Radio 4 and in real life. It seems like everyone has started to add a high intonation when they speak - so a statement sounds like a question.

So Aibu to hate this style of speaking?

I used to speak confidently and directly but then my (otherwise very nice) old male boss told me off for coming across as too “bossy”. If I’d been a man I’d have been “confident” and “authoritative”. Since then I’ve done the “turning every statement into a question” approach and sadly colleagues seem to like me more for it. Think it’s given clients less confidence in me though

Wonder if it’s time for a switch back now I’m getting more senior.

I see some posters are completely ignoring the fact that many men do this as well

This should be on the feminism board.

I don’t think it’s just women if you’re talking about the annoying ‘up’ questioning tone at the end of a statement (although women tend to do it more). It’s a trans-Atlantic import just like the equally annoying “So” at the start of every bloody sentence 😡

Stop it! It doesn’t make you sound ‘cool’ or ‘on trend’. It makes you sound like a tw*t.

I know just as many men who do it. It's a bit annoying whoever is doing it.

It isn’t from YouTube. I was reading about it in Deborah Tannen’s work over 20 years ago. Let’s not go down the road where we judge that men speak “properly” and women speak in an inferior way though. Really think what you’re saying when you make judgements like that.

I was told I wasn't being assertive enough when speaking in meetings so I made a conscious effort to emulate the way the men spoke - no hesitation, no apologies or maybes, sticking to my point rather than instantly conceding ground. I was then told I was being bullish and rude to colleagues who were doing literally the exact same thing.

I moved teams shortly afterwards, still surrounded by men but at least these ones don't expect women to act like wallflowers.

It was further evidence for me that my partner was shagging around. He’d developed mentionitis about a girl at work who spoke like this and when he started doing it too it alerted my spider senses even more!

I do this, especially at work. I wish I didn't but I do, and I can hear myself doing it and I can't stop myself even though I'm making a conscious effort not to.

But it's so ubiquitous now that if you don't do it, people are actually taken aback.

Weirdly though, I only do it when I'm speaking English.

SapphosRock

I like your list, and personally try hard not to write apologetic emails and simple ask for what I’m after instead.

I think there are male/female differences though. I worked closely with a CEO who frequently used “can we” when what he actually meant was “will you”. I suspect there is a tendency for more women to say we and mean we when men say we and mean you.

I annoy them. If something’s does it I give the an answer back.

I turned in my homework - great etc
I turned in my homework? Why you asking me.

I never knew there was a name for it. I always call it stop asking silly questions.

When someone says their name but as a question - are you sure kind of thing.

I see it in the same way as another person asking what’s for dinner? I’ve no idea what you want to eat etc.

I think it's something the younger generation tend to do.

It grinds me gears.

I think some of the time it is to appease other women; what men find 'plain speaking' women tend to find 'rude'.

Grew up in England with a mother who had grown up in NZ, she has a Kiwi twang today her voice that had an upward vocal swing at the end of sentences. I think it was bloody wonderful.
I speak the queen's English, very clipped but if I'm think of my Mum a lot or if I'm with my sisters we all tend to slip into having this slight kiwi twang without noticing. I live for a year in NZ as an adult and they thought it was hilarious. God I miss my Mum.

On radio I find slower more "old-fashioned" paces of speech much easier to follow. Some presenters, I really can't follow and break up the gabbling and gasping for air into intelligable speech. With more women being pushed through to more prominent slots, it's very noticable that a lot of "edgy" relatively youthful women do this, but a significant number of men do too, so I suspect it's more of a generation thing, just more obvious from a lack of prominant female voices from older women to counter the younger, waffly women.

When I was learing to teach, a friend passed on a tip to go deeper as you go louder. It made such a difference. My voice is naturally light and often women do go shrill when projecting, not very authoritative to teenage boys a foot taller who believe they are masters of the universe. Going deeper and slower was so much more effective for getting their attention and an appropriate response.

@Hangingover

I used to encourage my (brilliant) assistant to go through her emails before sending and delete all the softening phrases ('sorry to bother you again...', 'sorry if I'm missing something but...', 'can you spare a moment to...', 'does that make sense?' etc.) Then we'd read them back together and smugly press send

I read something once about women tending to say 'just' a lot in written communication, and it diminishing the strength of what is said, probably to seem non-threatening : "Just checking if you've seen x... I was just wondering if you knew that..."

I've stopped using it entirely now, I had no idea how often I softened my language when I knew I was right, and there was nothing wrong with me writing more confidently. It makes things shorter and clearer.

I also no longer say "please find attached..." But say "I have attached..." I don't think that's so sex releated as opposed to being a stylistic norm, but again I find the more direct action based approach preferable now.

This annoys you, the other way annoys men - can no one just listen to what we are saying instead of commenting on how annoying female voices are?

Men's voices are louder than women's so from the start it's not straightforward to talk like the men do.

I have noticed quite a few women talk in a silly girly voice, or high pitch and it is irritating because it makes them appear silly - perhaps that is what they want.

I do struggle to take some women seriously in meetings when they talk that way. Just use the normal voice.

IMO it started way back, with Neighbours, which so many kids/teens watched when my dds were at school. Some started to copy it and it spread like a pandemic.

I don’t see it as ‘tentative’ - more as a profoundly irritating ‘fashion’, like much else in speech, including the dropping of Ts by people who would never have done it years ago, in order to sound more estuary/yoof/un-posh, or whatever their daft reason is.

My last place I used to dread receiving and sending emails.

Would you mind, sorry to disturb you, can I ask people to urinate in the toilet? Etc. (I wish I made that up. Every fucking couple of months)

I often find myself slipping back when typing. 10 years I had to put up with that bollocks. I used to have to get someone else to write mine as I kept getting in trouble. Ok it was a school but ffs the staff needed more care (not bashing all teachers, just those wet blankets).

Oh I was the anti social bitch from hell. It was great, I was mainly left alone without listening to all that tripe.

Thing is, there's lots of research to show that when women mimic men in their assertiveness, they are condemned for it. So, it can't be as simple as mimic men's speech or men's email tone. Women are more likely to be judged harshly for this, as a couple of people on this thread have illustrated.

I have noticed this in my own working life. I have been writing as an academic for about 15 years, and recently have made a conscious effort to move to a more punchy authoritative style, because I think it reads better. Less of the 'may be likely' type phrases. Mostly it's worked well, but I quite often get called on it in reviews, yet I know male writers who write like that all the time and get published. Anonymous review is preferable for this reason, even though for transparency there's an argument for including names on papers.

I grew up in Australia and still have the accent even though I've been in the UK for decades. I disagree that the rising tone at the end of sentences is identical to how the Australians speak. It isn't. I am super irritated by what seems to be a trend here to speak like that? With question marks at the end of every sentence? Like, so annoying? I am gritting my teeth even thinking about it. I do listen to my fair share of Home and Away but they don't speak the same way.

I remember when this started and people were blaming Home and Away and Neighbours. I haven't noticed it so much recently but might have just got used to it!

I hate the way people (usually younger people) will often preface an answer to a question with the word “so”. at the beginning.