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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband pretended to ejaculate - WWYD

119 replies

mrsblobbywalrus · 04/06/2020 20:17

NC for what I’m hoping are obvious reasons. This is fairly mortifying but I would really, really like some input and don’t want to discuss with friends as they know DH and don’t want to embarrass him.

I’m heavily pregnant. Usually DH and I have a great sex life, if a bit predictable (but we are both happy with that and that’s married life with children)! Currently as v pregnant and resemble Mrs Blobby, sex is probably every 2 weeks, so not frequent. It’s very formulaic - bit of foreplay to sort me out/fiddle with him, then fairly quick penetrative sex. All over quickly but everyone happy and satisfied and then we go to sleep. All fine.

Yesterday, during the foreplay, DH very clearly finished in his pants. He then, for reasons I just don’t understand, decided to pretend that this wasn’t the case, essentially thumbing in a semi and pretending to then finish inside me 30 seconds later. I obviously just went along with the charade.

I consider DH to be my best friend. We talk about anything (if anything I’m quite irritating and like to over-talk stuff, hence wanting the input from you fine people) - but I am not sure if this is something I just avoid like the plague/pretend didn’t happen so as not to embarrass....OR if I should be concerned that he didn’t want to tell me about it. He never hides things from me. Is this just embarrassment?

It’s worth mentioning (although I now sound insane) that during the foreplay time, over lockdown probably, he has tried to stop me from touching him at the same time. This makes me wonder If this is related and perhaps a bit more of an issue...but caused by what?

Enabled voting for YABU - do NOT speak to him
YANBU - ask if everything is ok etc/why he didn’t feel he could talk to you

I’m so sorry for the content of the post!

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 04/06/2020 21:45

The most likely explanation is that if he’s been used to a more regular sex life the longer wait is getting him more riled up, so that he’s been thinking about it for a lot longer than he would have been otherwise. If were at it every day it takes a while, but if he hasn’t seen me for 2 weeks he’s like a rocket.

Peabodymixi · 04/06/2020 21:47

don't mention it, he’ll feel embarrassed.
why is it a big deal? Why does it actually matter enough for you to post it on an Internet forum?

Original poster
mrsblobbywalrus · 04/06/2020 21:50

peabody

Why does anything matter enough for anyone on here to post? I’m just second guessing whether or not I talk about it and make it worse, or ignore. It’s called asking for advice. As I said, I don’t want to ask my friends. If you don’t want to read the post, don’t!

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsblobbywalrus · 04/06/2020 21:50

The big deal isn’t really the ejaculating. These things happen I’m sure! It’s more the cover up

OP posts:
Tootletum · 04/06/2020 21:51

Wow. Why on earth would you want to call him out on something that embarrassing?? I can completely see why he wanted to pretend it hadn't happened, I have no idea why it's even an issue. Move on, stop touching him before sex, he's clearly struggling to contain it after two weeks.

understandmenow · 04/06/2020 21:54

Massive over reaction to what currently is a one off situation!

Nottherealslimshady · 04/06/2020 21:56

Ah bless, I think he was probably embarrassed and didn't want you to be disappointed in him.
I think its Russel Howard who did a joke about not being able to finish so flicked some yogurt on her back to pretend.
Is it since you've been pregnant that has started not lasting as long? Could it be that sex is less frequent so he's more "ready" and doesn't want you to feel pressured to have more? Or is he not getting as many opportunities to masturbate?
I'd ask, to see if he's ok, more because it seems to be bothering him since he's hiding it but dont pressure for an answer.

saraclara · 04/06/2020 21:57

Good grief. This was a one off. Leave the guy alone.

If this became a pattern, then yes, it would warrant a conversation. But jeeze, this happened once. He dealt with it in his own way (it's hardly like he'd have had a plan for this), he was mortified, he tried to complete things for your sake, probably.

There's really no need to over-think this at this point.

LivingThatLockdownLife · 04/06/2020 21:58

I can't get my head around being married i.e. knowing each other for so long and not being able to communicate during sex. Especially around orgasms/lack of. I'm not criticising I'm genuinely confused and amazed how you have both got this far.

If PE is becoming an issue grab him much more firmly during foreplay to desensitise him a bit.

Also tell him to wank more, though that makes me giggle a bit..

yelyah22 · 04/06/2020 22:02

I think I'd let it go this once (that sounds more aggressive that I mean it to) - he was probably embarrassed.

If it happened again, I'd probably gently stop him just as he was trying to thumb it in (I LOVE that expression, makes me laugh every time I hear it) and say "no don't worry, I already finished, didn't you just cum?" and be kind of matter of fact - kiss him, go to clean up etc.

Acknowledge but don't make a big deal, so he knows if it's become a bit of a weird mental block he's embarrassed about then it doesn't need to be an issue/you won't make him feel bad.

Or, alternatively if you notice it happening, properly gush about how hot it is that he couldn't hold back etc and judge it from there - if you've got a generally good relationship I imagine that'd give you a good idea what was going on!

If it were me and my OH and I did either of those approaches he'd go "oh god yeah I dunno why that's happening at the moment/I think it's cos it's a bit longer in between at the moment/I've got into a weird thing in my head and now it keeps happening/I've suddenly got a hypersensitive dick" and we'd just talk, or if there was no real issue and he was just mega turned on he'd probably laugh and go, "Christ, that didn't take long" and it would clear any awkwardness.

GinDaddyRedux · 04/06/2020 22:03

The bit I don't get @mrsblobbywalrus is why so much righteous indignation... the language used, and the febrile nature of some of the posts... genuinely, is it that troublesome?

I have never, ever "thumbed one in" (ugh... seriously? What a phrase) but the fact you've coined this term, plus other descriptions on this thread, makes me feel like there's as much invested in humiliating him on here, as getting actual answers as to the behaviour.

I think he was perhaps a bit embarrassed by his early excitement. Perhaps he desired to finish inside you so as to be close to you. Perhaps he didn't want a "discussion" about where he finished, so tried to resume.

In any case, you haven't really asked him or tried to find out what's going down so to speak. It's more about coming on here and starting a popular thread perhaps. One with bits of humiliation, dismissal and frustration disguised as bafflement in time honoured MN tradition.

I am one of the lucky ones; I don't experience what he did. But reading this makes me very glad for other aspects of my life.

SociaLifeOfAHotWaterBottle · 04/06/2020 22:05

I have not read the full thread.

If he is on more of a hair trigger since being on lockdown I would assume that he is used to knocking one out in the bogs at work or losing his load by some other means in his day to day life (away from home) and lockdown has prevented this. Thus the hair trigger thing.

Original poster
mrsblobbywalrus · 04/06/2020 22:07

Followed my gut, spoke to him. Actually all very funny and we are laughing about it already! Thanks for the advice, but pleased I followed what felt right for the relationship as now it’s not become an issue and it’s just this funny thing we can joke about.

@GinDaddyRedux

You couldn’t be more wrong. That’s just the sort of jokey language I use. Nothing to do with embarrassing him. That’s the reason I posted on here, anonymously, rather than confide in friends who know him. I would never do that.

OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 04/06/2020 22:10

There's communicating during sex and then there is panicked embarrassment when something unusual happens. I doubt it was a very heavily thought-through decision--just a split-second choice made when feeling pretty mortified.

Leave it, obviously, unless it becomes a pattern.

We are allowed to pretend things didn't happen to preserve dignity. If you or he had farted during sex, for instance, I don't think you would feel the desire to talk about ityou would just pretend it didn't happen. You would know it happened; he would know it happened; but nobody would need to talk about it. This really isn't differentit's an involuntary physiological response that embarrassed him.

Obviously, if sex made you/him gassy every single time, perhaps you would want to talk and see if there was something to be done about it. But there would be no benefit to having an in-depth discussion for a one-off--you'd just be putting so much pressure on the next time that there would be no enjoyment, just a lot of anxiety over gas.

(I recognize that this is a pretty disgusting metaphor, but sex is rarely particularly dignified.)

Nancydrawn · 04/06/2020 22:11

Ah, well, cross-posted, and glad that it turned out well.

Confused124 · 04/06/2020 22:13

I thought this was gonna be he pretended to jizz but hadn’t at all in which case I’d be a bit gutted if it was me . Seems he just got a bit over excited early on maybe because you don’t have sex as much now and then was embarrassed about it so pretended otherwise . Meh . As a one off I wouldn’t get worked up about it , i wouldn’t embarrass the guy bringing it up unless it happened more frequently

Confused124 · 04/06/2020 22:14

Cross post . All sorted . Yay result

Curious200 · 04/06/2020 22:14

I wouldn't say anything. What's the need or the big deal about anyway?

MeglaFlop · 04/06/2020 22:23

One shag botched out of hundreds, let it go he's probably embarrassed. Making an issue of these things does no wonders for a guys ego! Pretend it never happened.
My wife didn't mock me when after a few drinks I had to stop half way through to go pee.. and then promptly fell down the stairs, these things happen.

Actually she did Hmm

TheVanguardSix · 04/06/2020 22:23

OP, glad it’s sorted.
It’s a great honour to present you with The Biggest Mountain Out of a Molehill award.

Gncq · 04/06/2020 22:26

Pregnancy situation maybe making both of you a bit sensitive?
Just let it go.

understandmenow · 04/06/2020 22:29

OP, glad it’s sorted.
It’s a great honour to present you with The Biggest Mountain Out of a Molehill award.

This 💯% !

D R A M A

B0bbin · 04/06/2020 22:33

Don't make more of it than it is. He was too embarrassed to say and so were you. If it seems like it might happen again say something in the moment next time, but don't over think this. Even the closest couples feel embarrassed about things sometimes.

PalmaSprings · 04/06/2020 22:40

mhm this is a tough one.

I think it really depends on how you feel in your relationship and what dynamic you have. If you have the type of relationship where you are not embarrassed to talk about these personal things and can avoid possibly misunderstanding one another, i would say:
YANBU - and if it makes you feel better and potentially bond you two closer, isn't that even better?

On the other hand, if this is a historically sensitive issue and you know it will get touchy, then YABU. He is simply embarrassed and not talking about it will probably make you both feel better and allow you two to move into a move positive space. Rather than digging unnecessarily.

Interestedwoman · 04/06/2020 22:45

@mrsblobbywalrus Glad you talked about it and it went ok.

What happened with his work colleague, if you want to talk about it? How have you been feeling about that in general?

I agree with you that this frequency when you're heavily preg and with young DC is understandable.