Husband pretended to ejaculate - WWYD

[mrsblobbywalrus]

NC for what I’m hoping are obvious reasons. This is fairly mortifying but I would really, really like some input and don’t want to discuss with friends as they know DH and don’t want to embarrass him.

I’m heavily pregnant. Usually DH and I have a great sex life, if a bit predictable (but we are both happy with that and that’s married life with children)! Currently as v pregnant and resemble Mrs Blobby, sex is probably every 2 weeks, so not frequent. It’s very formulaic - bit of foreplay to sort me out/fiddle with him, then fairly quick penetrative sex. All over quickly but everyone happy and satisfied and then we go to sleep. All fine.

Yesterday, during the foreplay, DH very clearly finished in his pants. He then, for reasons I just don’t understand, decided to pretend that this wasn’t the case, essentially thumbing in a semi and pretending to then finish inside me 30 seconds later. I obviously just went along with the charade.

I consider DH to be my best friend. We talk about anything (if anything I’m quite irritating and like to over-talk stuff, hence wanting the input from you fine people) - but I am not sure if this is something I just avoid like the plague/pretend didn’t happen so as not to embarrass....OR if I should be concerned that he didn’t want to tell me about it. He never hides things from me. Is this just embarrassment?

It’s worth mentioning (although I now sound insane) that during the foreplay time, over lockdown probably, he has tried to stop me from touching him at the same time. This makes me wonder If this is related and perhaps a bit more of an issue...but caused by what?

Enabled voting for YABU - do NOT speak to him
YANBU - ask if everything is ok etc/why he didn’t feel he could talk to you

I’m so sorry for the content of the post!

Ask how he would feel if you unconvincingly faked an orgasm for him?

Bollocks to the poor ickle man feeling embarrassed and worrying about his delicate ego FGS. You’ve been together 7 years. It should be a pretty straightforward conversation

yes, try again, after all. if it doesn't go well, a post-coital "everyone on MN said..."should go down an absolute treat

Why would I say that?

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay
Almost wet myself laughing at that!,
It made me imagine being mid sex with my partner and whispering in his ear , « well every one on mumsnet thinks you shouldn’t do that, but this....»
😂😆😂

Maybe dont mention anything now as it may just embarrass him that you noticed and went along with it (even though our explanation makes sense), but if it happens again then say something in the moment? Not making a big deal, just maybe surprised he wants to go again? Maybe it is quicker now if you have sex less frequently due to the pregnancy.

Ask how he would feel if you unconvincingly faked an orgasm for him?

This is a good point.

OP, he may be coming quickly due to the relative infrequency of sex, and perhaps he doesn't want to say so because it might feel pressurizing/ guilting for you? Have you been easily upset through pregnancy? Just wondering why he may be hesitant to tell you, if normally your communication is more straight forward? May not be that at all - just a guess...

Sounds like he is just wanting to 'get it right'....?

This might be wrong but is it possible he was sleeping with another woman prelockdown? Now that affair is on hold he is much more loaded and ready to fire with you.

1. You’ve been having sex less frequently than is usual for you guys.

2. This has left him with a shorter fuse than he’s had before.

3. He’s noticed that he’s not managing much of a penetrative performance lately, he’s begun to worry you might be bothered about that.

4. He’s tried to reduce any stimulation he gets before penetration to try and a) get that far and b) put in a slightly longer shift.

5. His building fear of premature ejaculation finally came true and he came before his kecks were even off.

6. He was mortified and the least worst option was to go through with a pretence (He’ll have been feeling all the worst of the post orgasmic chill at that point)

I think it needs to be discussed IF you think you can broach it entirely from a “how are you feeling? I’ve been worried that you might be feeling pressure around our sex life, what can I do to make you comfortable?”

Xx

He was probably embarrassed or didn't want to disappoint you, let it go.

@Floatyboat

My mind has gone to a bit of a dark place I have forced it out of because he did have a bit of a flirt with a work colleague and now I’m imaging all sorts of wanking in office loos 😂 I’m sure it’s not that though. I think it is just embarrassment. But then he could try for sex whenever he likes - he never tries to initiate it and I would more often than not be up for it which he knows, so it’s not like the option isn’t there. He just hasn’t been initiating. I initiated yesterday and the previous times.

@BabyBrainJane
That sounds extremely sensible, thank you

Just for emphasis as some other advice here is going to steer you into a disaster;

Do not, whatever you do, approach him with anger or hurt about this. Do not accuse him or he may feel cornered and do not state baldly what happened but give him opportunity to talk about it himself.

Premature ejaculation is a mind problem. If you don’t want it to become an established issue then you must not risk making the humiliation/embarrassment worse xx

Oh, come on.

It's not mortifying. You are heavily pregnant and you're still both up for sex once every two weeks. For anyone who doesn't have a fetish for pregnant woman and/or a massive desire to discuss the subject, that's really not cause for concern, even if it is unusual for you.

I suggest spending less time talking about it on internet forums (where, sadly, you do find a lot of perverts who like talking about sex with heavily pregnant women/men coming in their pants/whatever), and more time trying to remember that humans are imperfect and easily embarrassed.

Really wouldn't metion it properly thought he could go again and it didn't happen

@SarahAndQuack

I think it’s mortifying to discuss my sex life on the internet! But I also value the input of MN with these things. And I don’t need your suggestion thank you re “less time talking about it” - this is one post. “more time trying to remember that humans are imperfect and easily embarrassed” This fully contradicts you not understanding why I find this situation embarrassing!

@rwalker

That’s definitely not the case

Ok, then, I see. You're mortified but you don't want honest replies.

Carry on.

Flirt with a work colleague ? And you found out ? What was the flirt?

Once every two weeks isn’t a lot of sex tbh anyway

Baby is pretty much right.

How did you feel about him thumbing in a semi though? As a PP said, that would gross me out (and I have much experience of 'working with' ED.)

If you didn't like it, you could say something like 'please don't feel that you have to do that.' (or however you feel you can phrase it. Not in a 'nasty' way, but in a way that you genuinely are saying to him that he doesn't have to, and if you don't like a thing then you have a right not to just live with it.)

By that I mean I don’t think that frequency would be considered a good sex life by many people

OP is he worried about generally having sex when you're pregnant - it has been known that it can cause labour to start early. He might just be worried, but of course, he's still able to do it. Very difficult to talk about as you have to get it right. Maybe talk about someone else not having sex while pregnant because they're worried , see what he says. Maybe he'll say how he feels the same. Obviously you need to have a conversation that seems natural or it'll seem like confrontation and he could lose confidence. Maybe he's having other trouble as others suggest. He might be insecure and not wanting to feel a disappointment. You have to try to sort it out though, as it is clear that this is important to you.

OMG leave him alone man. Christ.

Once every two weeks isn’t a lot of sex tbh anyway

It’s not. He doesn’t have a huge sex drive, really. Usually it’s probably once a week, maybe twice at most.

Ok, then, I see. You're mortified but you don't want honest replies

There have been plenty of honest replies. Yours was just unpleasant and not helpful.

@Sunnydays123456

I meant good sex life as in for US. We are happy/we like it. We feel fulfilled etc. A good sex life is totally subjective.

Raise it with him, but reframe is so he feels comfortable. He's just embarrassed.

e.g. instead of "you came too fast yesterday"... "you made me feel so attractive when you came so fast yesterday"; instead of "that can't happen all the time"... "I don't mind the occasional reminder of how much you love my body while I'm pregnant too"

That might open the topic up so he's comfortable

I think it’s not bad btw, once every 2 weeks with one partner heavily pregnant and another young child at home/climbing in the bed most nights