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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask, where are all the nice MEN?

105 replies

DestinedtobeAlone · 04/06/2020 09:43

Sick of meeting time wasters. 'Men' who lead you on and play with your heart: they don't know what they want, they're only after sex, use you for sex, use you for an ego boost, they're not over their ex, ashamed of their current circumstances, they're not actually interested but don't explicitly state this, are too shy/awkward to properly interact with a love interest...

So, where are they???

OP posts:

walkingchuckydoll · 04/06/2020 15:32

Nobody was interested in DH till I married him. Now my friends see what a good guy he is. He's ugly not pretty and overweight (but with beautiful eyes). Don't discard a man for his appearance, he might just be the one.

Original poster

DestinedtobeAlone · 04/06/2020 15:33

@WitsEnding I'm with you on that. Not knowing what they want, leading you on to think they're interested. Really crap behaviour.

OP posts:

Purpleartichoke · 04/06/2020 15:37

I’ve had two big relationships in my life, including my now husband. Both of those relationships started as friends first.

Original poster

DestinedtobeAlone · 04/06/2020 15:39

@walkingchuckydoll I haven't discounted anyone based on looks. I dated a guy who was not good looking, though was bright and bubbly. To begin with. Unfortunately he turned out to be nothing but a financial opportunist who pushed sexual intimacy to try and get his foot in the door. That experience in itself has made me cautious. Never mind the guy I'm currently trying to make sense of and move on from.

OP posts:

highmarkingsnowbile · 04/06/2020 15:40

Hunt down somebody who’s been divorced....

9 times out of 10, there is a good reason why they're divorced, it's usually because it's a sexist, lazy manchild or cocklodger.

Desiringonlychild · 04/06/2020 15:40

I know a lot of perfectly nice single men.

I feel like women don't go after them because in the UK (this baffled me when I first came here for uni), it seems like a lot of women tend to go after the most showy guy in the room. Who obviously turns out to be a lothario several years down the line.

The quiet, responsible and intelligent guys are the ones you don't notice and very much under the radar.

Original poster

DestinedtobeAlone · 04/06/2020 15:42

@Purpleartichoke Starting out as friends is what I'm after too. Though when you're not seeing the effort even then, and gradually becoming uncomfortable with having to approach everything on their terms like I have, you begin to feel deflated by it all.

OP posts:

BigBoosh · 04/06/2020 15:44

Have you ever considered that you are the problem? Why haven't YOU attracted the good men that are out there?

Rainbow12e · 04/06/2020 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 04/06/2020 15:52

There's one next to me right now but because he's actually a good guy and takes our marriage vows very seriously I don't fancy yourself chances with him I'm afraid 😁

GaraMedouar · 04/06/2020 15:54

Well I’m here - a nice single woman - my problem is I work full time, single mum - never see anyone new at all - I do the school run, go to work, go shopping, have the odd ‘mum date’ when my youngest is at a play date - that’s about it. I’m not materialistic - I am financially solvent - just don’t want another cocklodger - don’t go for conventionally handsome men to be honest , go more on personality . I realise I need to do OLD but difficult at the mo due to age of children. I’m sort of resigned to waiting another 10 years and then trying OLD (just in time for retirement) as I don’t think I’m going to bump into my soulmate in the cereal aisle at the supermarket .

highmarkingsnowbile · 04/06/2020 15:54

That's why I said 9 out of 10, Rainbow. Twice divorced and one long-term relationship split, yeah, sure all his ex's thought he was amazing for a while, too, or they wouldn't have made vows to him. That's some track record.

Original poster

DestinedtobeAlone · 04/06/2020 15:55

@BigBoosh Believe me, that IS something I have considered. After a lot of introspection, I've concluded that I'm not the problem. Rather it could very well be because I'm unconventional and don't shrink for anyone. Guess it scares people off when you're real and unaffected.

OP posts:

gumball37 · 04/06/2020 15:58

No clue. I'm overweight, so the only ones I find are the ones who think I'll out up with anything just to not be alone. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 They're so fucking wrong. And as such I I am single and no longer looking. Took me to 39 to realize I'd rather just be happy alone than out there trying to find a unicorn decent guy

Kazzyhoward · 04/06/2020 16:00

Yep, the good ones get taken quickly. You have to be quick or someone else grabs them.

Mistymonday · 04/06/2020 16:02

Give the shy/awkward ones a chance, they can sometimes be hidden gems.

dogsdinnerlady · 04/06/2020 16:06

Be careful though as 'nice' is often another way of being boring. Nice men are often afraid of standing up for themselves (and you).

noego · 04/06/2020 16:06

I did read your last post OP.

You can find nice women but they don't know what they want. I find they are carrying baggage from years and years ago.

So looking for nice, psychologically and physically free. Very difficult IME

Original poster

DestinedtobeAlone · 04/06/2020 16:07

@Mistymonday I'm not into showy men anyway. The only problem with dating shy/awkward men is the shyness leaves you wondering if they're just not that into you? Doesn't help that I'm kind of shy too.

OP posts:

Original poster

DestinedtobeAlone · 04/06/2020 16:12

@noego I've done a lot of work on my baggage. That ship has sailed. If anything, it's taught me what I want from a partner and how to be a good partner.

I know exactly what I want, I haven't been given the opportunity to fully communicate this in my current circumstances.

What do you mean by physical baggage?

OP posts:

stuckdownahole · 04/06/2020 16:13

@DestinedtobeAlone, I think online dating has normalised poor behaviour generally, although men are worse, which leads to women keeping their defences up.

Nearly 20 years ago my boss (N) went through a bruising divorce and a kind (male) colleague held dinner parties to help him meet single women. N expressed his gratitude by shagging and ditching each of the women in turn. The colleague was cross enough to give his own boss a talking-to. N got a punishment for his selfish behaviour - disapproval among his peer group.

These days ghosting (and it sounds like you are being subjected to 'ghosting lite') is considered completely normal behaviour. It's rubbish, sorry, and me hijacking your thread with my whinge doesn't help. @MrMeeseekscando you were too easy on me!

Heatherjayne1972 · 04/06/2020 16:16

If you find a single one let me know

All the decent ones are spoken for or gay (and therefore not interested in me )
In my experience

Rainbow12e · 04/06/2020 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noego · 04/06/2020 16:30

Without going to deep OP. The body and mind carry memories, have habits that are difficult to unlearn.
So someone can believe that they are free to come and go as they please and probably do, but they are not free psychologically or indeed physically.
it could be something simple like a physical trauma from decades ago.

boredboredboredboredbored · 04/06/2020 16:31

Well I met one on POF 3 years ago and he's so nice I decided to marry him a few months ago. Only on there for 3 hours, had one date with him and that was that. There are lovely men out and I got very lucky, but then so did he as I'm a nice woman too 😊

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