To ask, where are all the nice MEN?

[DestinedtobeAlone]

Sick of meeting time wasters. 'Men' who lead you on and play with your heart: they don't know what they want, they're only after sex, use you for sex, use you for an ego boost, they're not over their ex, ashamed of their current circumstances, they're not actually interested but don't explicitly state this, are too shy/awkward to properly interact with a love interest...

So, where are they???

Hunt down somebody who’s been divorced..

No, they tend to have issues, baggage, be too co-dependent and/or keen to play the field.

OP, I'd put dating on the backburner and focus on you, your health, career, hobbies, see the world, whatever.

We all have baggage though, I've got a dead partner and huge debt from my last 2 relationships, but I'm still a prize

I was a magnet for every over 40's virginal, 'I'm nice, I'm just shy' man within a 50 mile radius.

Lovely men (most of them) but absolutely no idea how to treat a partner, be equal, maintain interest, or how to behave in a relationship.

Nice isn't always enough.

So now I am single and very happily remaining so. I daren't stick my head above the parapet again because, honestly, I'm like flypaper for every man who's lived at home with mum until she died...

The Incel movement makes me laugh.

Yeah, me too, but then I dig a bit deeper and stop laughing, they frighten me quite a lot.

Without a doubt, this thread is one of the most informative I've ever posted looking for advice.

I totally relate to the 'nice guy, doesnt know what to do with a woman' type. Makes me feel even more certain that there are no men out there worth the effort.

It's also worth mentioning that 'working on yourself' - hobbies/interests, career, travel, health - is a piece of advice that's frequgently given out on MN without knowing or appreciating that the OP might have already attained those things. However well intended, it can be rather frustrating to keep hearing when you already have or are achieving those things. I think I'm quite a catch, and I don't think i come off as arrogant, I just hold myself to high esteem.

When you find out OP can you let me know? I’m early fifties, single nearly 4 years, full time working single mum to 3 kids- and haven’t even been on a date in all this time, or even come close. I am single because I finally asked my extremely lazy cocklodger exp to leave (he paid not a penny rent/bills, and still pays not a penny child maintenance for our DD ). He was living with a new girlfriend after 6 months.
I sometimes regret it, but my self esteem was shattered and I’d become so resentful of him.
But I’m now the one single , and likely to remain so.
Sometimes I think it’s good I set my bar higher, but other times I’m just lonely and would like a partner, any partner.

I said that and meant no offence, OP. It's not that I feel you need to work on yourself at all--it is more about shifting the focus on something other than dating, which, IME, is greatly overrated, especially online.

At the risk of being shouted down for Whataboutery, I know several men in their late 40s/early 50s who say the same thing.

I'm a 40s bloke, think I'm nice (friends' wives tell me so), have been in relationships and it has gone OK. Also: financially secure, emotionally stable, not pervy. However I'm also average looking - not ugly but certainly not handsome, and currently a stone overweight - although when I had BMI

@Ifailed they clearly aren't playing the OLD website/apps

You also have to play with the websites/apps to ensure they target people you would like. They have in-built stereotypes over matches so if you have unusual hobbies e.g. motorbikes then you need play with them to ensure you match them.

Also their location matches are odd. For me, they excluded places I can easily get to as they weren't nearby according to them.

Cross-posted @Ifailed

I met my DH on Tinder. I had been dating for years before, LOADS of dates, many disastrous, some worthwhile.. However, the thing that I did different this time was dating OUTSIDE of London. 60 miles outside to be exact.

DH lived in Hampshire. I lived in central London. DH was at a conference in London, which is why he showed up on my (very rigid) 3 mile limit. He failed to mention he wasn't from London when we started chatting and it's a good job he didn't as I would have disregarded him as being too far to travel.

Turns out when you really like someone, 60 miles is nothing. Three months later and we were engaged, six months after that we had a gorgeous wedding. DH is absolutely wonderful . His friends are all lovely too. Nothing against London guys but all the guys I encountered before DH seemed so jaded. My point is don't be afraid to go outside of your home town and don't be afraid to date outside of your usual type...you never know what you might discover

Depending on the age you are after they are either taken or not ready for serious dating. Just keep searching. I agree with a pp who suggested scheduling multiple dates at a time - that way you weed out the time wasters quickly

I married the exciting, socially active, brother with all the mates' older, quieter, less exciting brother. The one with no prospects, a dead end job and no real idea of what he wanted.

35 years later his less exciting, quiet, thoughtful nature, whilst infuriating in it's own way, has left me with a man who is still my idea of my life partner. We are a little unusual in our peer group, most of whom do not have the same partner now as they had back then, when they laughed and said we wouldn't last!

The thing we both agree on is that we both thought the other was different as we talked, a lot, about all sorts of things. One if those things was the ability to get an education that matched your intellect and interests. We supported each other into and through university in our 30s.

That support, belief in each other made the difference, I think.

Thought I'd met a nice guy, who wasn't a time waster, sadly it seems he is. Half assed effort is all I'm getting. It hurts, but I'm gradually letting go and moving on.

One day, I guess...

@stuckdownahole I know my approach seems clinical, but I found you only get so far with messaging. I met for drinks much earlier than most I think, under a week because so many times I chatted to someone I thought was absolutely lovely and in person there was no spark.
I was so fed up of being mucked around by guys that were either married or just looking for sex.

When I found my boyfriend, honestly I thought he was another write off, until we started chatting properly.
Physically he wasn't my type and he seemed very nervous, but once we started chatting about our interests we hit it off. (And I think he's the sexiest most interesting guy on earth now )
I had to play the numbers game because there are just so many assholes on OLD.

Honestly, you sound like one of the nice guys and I'm sorry you get lost in amongst the twats.
And most of us love a Dad bod

I know lots of nice single men! I am married but if I were suddenly single there are probably 4/5 I'd try dating.
they are mostly not "classically" good looking, but have great personalities. Maybe a little overweight /bad dressers /shy but all those things are fixable!
I know them through typically "nerdy" places - I am an academic in a male - dominated environment (STEM) and the place is full of them! Also know a couple through choirs.

I know quite a few women in their 50s who regularly moan that all.thd good one are gone or that there are no nice men.

But over the years I've seen them walk straight past nen like this and into the arms of terrible but good-looking well ofc men.

One other comment. If all the good men are married perhaps all the good women are too.

Sorry about typing -on phone

@ChockyBicky I did exactly this too.

@stuckdownahole I can appreciate that it's not just women who are wondering where all the genuine prospective partners are, and that women can be time wasters too.

Feel I've now spent enough time on this guy, he's not pulling weight, it's beginning to erode my self-respect. It's over. Hence I put this thread up to try and figure out where TF the genuinely nice men are. There are not many, especially the older you get, and the less tolerance you have for BS.

Same could be said for men, WHERE are all the nice Women

I keep meeting nice men who don’t know want they want but would like some form of physical contact (I’m in my 60s and they are mid 50s upwards).

I’m not doing OLD and I feel much the same, don’t think that makes me bad person! Have made some good friends.

@noego if you read my latest post you will see that I'm in agreement that nice women are not in abundance either.