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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did affair partner look like/similar to you?

122 replies

Wer2Next · 03/06/2020 19:32

As above. Just wondering what the reality of it is.

Some say its not about how the AP look but how they made the othet person feel.

Or is it purely about the physical aspect of the other person.

OP posts:

GarlicMonkey · 05/06/2020 19:04

Yes, but better groomed & heavier. Probably how I'd have looked if I hadn't been looking after our 3 kids & doing everything but his day job 24x7 plus working part time.

It didn't last long. Revenge was, & still is (I've really landed on my feet & he's gone downhill fast), very sweet.

Bertucci · 05/06/2020 19:43

Weight has absolutely nothing to do with how attractive someone is to the opposite sex.

I disagree. It might not matter to some, but to most, it does.

Ritascornershop · 05/06/2020 19:50

Not at all. The OW was younger, taller, heavier, different European facial type, big teeth (I’m more elfin Irish type). Much different personality too, go-getter, ambitious, big income (exh was very resentful about me being a SAHm), loved sports, extrovert. But clearly she was right for him (think they lasted about 8 years or so), and she was welcome to him.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 05/06/2020 20:07

No.

The OW was 20years older (also that much older than DH).
180lbs heavier.
Very different in pretty much every possible way.

I recall a classmate at university who once saw her affair on TV with his wife - the wife was:
blonde, slender, tall, beautiful, fabulously groomed, very educated, very successful, utterly charming.
She watched the wife and his interaction with her (it was a profile piece of the wife). She said that by comparison she was (as she said), a short, brunette, disorganised, mostly unkempt single parent who didn't come out well from an objective comparison. She realised that to the man at the heart of it she felt she represented a covert, passive-aggressive attempt to humiliate the wife. It gave her a very different perspective on his controlling behaviour and his attitude towards her and the children.

1swede · 05/06/2020 20:21

However these women looked, they must have had something.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 05/06/2020 20:39

Not at all.

OW was much older than me (about 20 years older than both of us).

I'm dark haired and fair skinned (very very pale!).

She is blonde and uses and lot of fake tan/sun beds.

Dresses very glam. I don't dress badly but wouldn't be wearing heels to Tesco.

About the same weight and heigh and that's about it.

It hurt massively that she was so different to me.

Yourteaisgettingcold · 05/06/2020 20:41

The first girl, nothing like me.

Second one was a cheap rip off (other peoples words, not mine).

I should never have believed him when he swore it would never happen again!

Uncoordinated · 05/06/2020 20:43

Couldn’t have been more of a downgrade and nothing like me. I’d defy anyone to think otherwise as well. Fucking bonkers

Uncoordinated · 05/06/2020 20:44

However these women looked, they must have had something

A lack of morals and self respect

curiouslypacific · 05/06/2020 21:27

I'm pretty sure ex cheated on me at least 3 times. they were all over the map in terms of age/size/colouring etc and nothing like me, or each other. When I finally saw sense and binned him, his next partner looked pretty similar to me. So he obviously had a relationship type, but wasn't so choosy when shagging about...

blubellsarebells · 06/06/2020 00:24

"However these women looked, they must have had something"
The distinct whiff of desperation, low morals and 2 GCSEs?
The ability to believe any old bullshit and massive tits?
Maybe she's just less of a bitch than me, wouldn't be hard.

TinaTurnoff · 06/06/2020 00:33

Yes, very like me. So much so that she is often called my name when they are out. I guess for years I was home with the kids and now they are older, people think I’m finally getting to go out again. The local bakery lady said to me one Saturday lunchtime, oh, you’re back so soon for more croissants!

TryAnotherNickname · 06/06/2020 09:59

@blubellsarebells hah! I remember the satisfaction in reading some interview with the OW when she admitted to having an E and a U in her a levels. (She’s a Monet - fantastic at a distance with cute figure and lung, long hair but up close, dreadful teeth, eyes very far apart and overall a horsy looking)

TimelyManor · 06/06/2020 10:06

@1swede

However these women looked, they must have had something.

An endless supply of adulation for the narcissistic ex and an inability to detect lies.

MaryShelley1818 · 06/06/2020 10:23

My now husband left his then partner to be with me.
We are not too dissimilar, both overweight, I was a size 16 and she was a size 18 but since I had our baby it's probably the other way round.
I am definitely prettier but certainly wouldn't describe her as ugly. She dressed very conservative and plain, quite old for her age. Lots of outfits I'd associate with someone 10-20yrs older. I'm not particularly fashionable but do dress a little younger and definitely more feminine. Lots of skirts and dresses.
She seems very nice but very quiet, they literally had nothing in common but rubbed along for companionship (she was equally happy to separate from him).
She has a low paid but very meaningful job, not very educated. I have a degree (half way through my 2nd) and a better paid professional job but one that also focuses on helping people and is very meaningful.

DH is certainly a lot happier with me.

ABlackRussian · 06/06/2020 10:25

No. They were white, I'm black. But then he went on to marry a black women..

Lola001 · 06/06/2020 11:50

Same name very similar looks to mine when I was bigger but I lost a lot of weight and changed my apperance it was like he wanted the old me. He married her and they're still together.
I've definitely upgraded since.

choli · 07/06/2020 11:18

@Uncoordinated

However these women looked, they must have had something

A lack of morals and self respect

No. That was your husband.

Uncoordinated · 09/06/2020 15:46

No. That was your husband

Correction, that was the both of them, but we’re on the topic of the OW

Original poster

Wer2Next · 13/06/2020 23:28

Bump

OP posts:

Jessi1972 · 14/06/2020 00:01

An ex from years ago who I had dd3 with was abusive and controlling.
He then moved into his next victim, had 2 children with him and she looked exactly like me. He made her dress like me, cut her hair and she it to be like mine.
He continued to try to be controlling and abusive to myself and dd3.
She tried rubbing my nose in it - trust me it didn't work.
They even copied my home decor.
I'm the end I moved 300 miles away.
He then split up with her and met another, who again became a carbon copy of me.

This one he married (we were engaged and he got her the same ring)
Again the house decor is the same as what we had.

The sad part about it all is dd used to have to go to his for visitation where he would get drunk and talk about me. She stopped contact for a while.
She still talks to him on th phone but when he says 'your just like your mother's she replies 'thanks dad!' with a smile on her face.
He tells carbon copy no3 that he can get me back anytime he wants.
Not happening! I've been with dp for 15years now and he looks nothing like my ex plus we adore each other - he's been my rock and is responsible for putting me back together.

calmama · 14/06/2020 07:27

Hoping my DH isn't having an affair. The woman I've got my back up over is nothing like me in appearance or personality.

My brother's wife had an affair. My brother is very handsome. Could be a well-paid model. She left him for a guy who looks like a potato. With a personality to match.

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