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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I will never be an aunt.

160 replies

Rubyred24 · 01/06/2020 23:27

I have two DD both planed. DB and DD both mid 30s and both married. Neither want children. To be honest all four baby understand why I would want them. They are quiet strict with mine and don't have a lot of patience but they all love them and have them stop over at theirs.

Growing up I didn't see my cousins so I know they aren't missing out however I am slightly envious when I see families meeting up or holidaying together. I only really socialise with family and I just feel a bit sad. There are multiple sets of sisters at my kids school who all share the school run and I'd assume it would bring them closer.

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/06/2020 00:39

My DC don't have cousins either as I'm an only and DH's siblings chose not to have children. I was really surprised as he's from a larger family and I'd assumed that one of them would!

My two do complain that family gatherings are boring as there's only middle-aged and older people there. Christmas and other special occasions have become a bit contentious as they don't want to go.

Not much we can do about though!

Original poster
Rubyred24 · 02/06/2020 00:40

If your friend was a surrogate for her sister would it not make you think whether you would do the same?

OP posts:
squeekums · 02/06/2020 00:41

If your friend was a surrogate for her sister would it not make you think whether you would do the same?

nope, cos i have no desire to make everyones family to my ideal
I have no desire to be pregnant even for myself, let alone someone else

PumpkinP · 02/06/2020 00:44

This seems odd. I never had any cousins because my mum moved down to London before she had us and had nothing to do with her family so we grew up without having any relationship with extended family including aunts/uncles/cousins / grandparents. Also don’t have a good relationship with my own siblings and don’t see nieces or nephews. You do sound over invested.

Original poster
Rubyred24 · 02/06/2020 00:47

It may appear that way but I don't think I am.

OP posts:
clipclop5 · 02/06/2020 00:48

As an only child, I feel you. I have loads of aunts + uncles on my mums side of the family, and a few of my cousins have been like siblings to me. I don’t like the thought that my child won’t have that same experience.

Ellisandra · 02/06/2020 00:48

So which is it?

  • you thought about being a surrogate for your sister in law because she didn’t want to ruin her body? (which is what you says before I first replied)
  • you thought about being a surrogate as your cousin couldn’t have kids
  • you thought about being a surrogate because your friend was a surrogate for her sister?

You can’t “argue” with my belief that YABU by dripfeeding differing reasons.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to like the idea of a big extended family that all pitches in and gets on, and be a little sad you don’t have that.

But I think you have invested too much in this one idea of family, and YABU not to just move on from that and focus on building more social networks outside of the family.

Original poster
Rubyred24 · 02/06/2020 00:52

Because my cousin could not have children it got me thinking whether I would help my sister in law / sister out. I wouldn't do it because my SIL just didn't want to carry a baby. The third scenario was a question to you.

OP posts:
Sonichu · 02/06/2020 01:03

All of my cousins (I only have six) were either a lot older than me or lived in different countries so I've never been particularly close to them. It's never bothered me tbh.

BabyBrainJane · 02/06/2020 01:13

I find the posts about someone else’s life choices being “a shame” and “a loss” just weird. Sorry.

I think this whole concept is self absorbed and strange. I hope you never voice it to your DB or DSis because it will go down like a lead balloon x

goose1964 · 02/06/2020 01:16

I'm not an aunt. My sister hates babies. When my gran was dying my daughter and I took her tiny baby to meet her. To my surprise my dad and sister were there too as was my cousin. My cousin had a cuddle and then offered him to my sister who backed out of the room so fast she ended up in the understairs cupboard. 😃

VodselForDinner · 02/06/2020 01:24

This is one of the most self-absorbed things I’ve ever read.

Do you always make everything about you, OP?

notangelinajolie · 02/06/2020 01:43

I totally get what your are saying OP.

My brother is a manchild in his 50's, unmarried and unlikely ever to have children. DH's sister is 60 and never wanted children. My mum and dad were both the only child so I have no aunties or uncles. No cousins, no nieces, no nephews. DH has 2 cousins, 1 married who can't have children and the other divorced after 1 year because they didn't have the conversation - his wife wanted children and he didn't.

Both our parents are dead. So all we have left in our little family is me, DH and our 3 DD's. All adults - non of them have ever been in a relationship long enough, 2 out of 3 want careers and no children and my youngest can't have children.

So that's it really. After our girls it's the end of the line - there won't be any more babies born in either of our families.

I have friends with grandchildren literally coming out of their ears well not quite but you know what I mean
Growing up I missed out on having a big extended family and always dreamed of creating my own - we both did. Sometimes, I look with envy at big families or even little families - but hey ho that's the way it is.
DD2 jokingly informed me our care home was already booked - so just in case she wasn't joking me and dh are busy spending their inheritance now Smile

squeekums · 02/06/2020 01:50

offered him to my sister who backed out of the room so fast she ended up in the understairs cupboard. 😃

I still do that with babies. DD is the only baby ive ever held for a long period of time

Custardcreamies101 · 02/06/2020 01:50

My cousin has two children who will never have any cousins on his dads side which upsets me a bit. That is because my cousins brother unexpectedly died. He was married and would eventually have children. Their dad is from another culture and if they had cousins they would get to visit them abroad and teach them about our country. I love children and I’m very sad that my cousin did not have children before he died. I actually think about it a lot so i understand what you mean OP. But this is life so what can we do eh?!

On another note, I am not particularly close with any of my parents siblings.

mrbob · 02/06/2020 01:51

Jesus. This is a really weird thing to be bothered about

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/06/2020 02:03

My only brother doesn't have kids. But it's probably just as well, we are super-competitive and I just imagine how much the kids would be dragged into our nonsense!

Florawest · 02/06/2020 02:05

I had no first cousins on my mum's side as her brother died young and her other brother didn't marry and her sister got ms young and came to live with us, we always went on holidays to our uncle (mum's brother) and had great fun with his neighbours children, was close to my dad's brother's children but no holidays there, didn't feel missed out on anything but really feel I lost out on no cousin's my mum's side especially when all her family have now died.
My 3 children have good few cousin's, unfortunately my youngest doesn't have any one close to his age.
My best friend couldn't have children, but I tell her she's like an aunty and better than most aunties, what a fab mom she would have been.
We have to make the best of what ever situation we are in, it must be so hard not to be able to have children when you want them, suppose in life we can't have it all, I say to my friend she got the great husband, ( he got a brilliant, kind wife) me, my ex-husband wasn't so great, but got 3 fab kids.

notangelinajolie · 02/06/2020 02:06

@mrbob

Jesus. This is a really weird thing to be bothered about
The OP is not weird. She is simply expressing a sadness, It is how she feels and that is ok.

You don't think having no family is anything to be bothered about. Well, that's fine and ok too. But just because you think the way you do - doesn't make the OP weird.

argueifnecessary · 02/06/2020 02:08

Being an aunty is really special, I love all my nieces and nephews although I haven't even seen one of them yet because I live abroad. My daughters have so many cousins already - 10 on my side (one to be born soon) and when they meet they are more like siblings, in fact when one of my nephews was visiting us my then 3 year old kept saying he is her brother and kept hanging off him etc. They also rowed like siblings would. This all is extra painful because they haven't met all their cousins yet. My one-year-old has only seen one of them which definitely makes me feel she is missing out on something in life.
But! as other have said, there are other ways of being an aunty. I have a very dear childhood friend whose child I love and she considers me an aunty so if you are really desperate "adopt" a niece or a nephew.

StoppinBy · 02/06/2020 02:47

I understand why you might be disappointed but you need to let go of the idea and be grateful for the family you have while letting them enjoy the families they have.

You want the joys of other people's children but they are the ones who would be raising them.

Bluewarbler27 · 02/06/2020 02:52

I have grown up nephews and a 2 year old niece. I don’t see my Nephews as I don’t talk to my sister and I’ve seen my niece once as she lives with my brother at my parents and i won’t go there because my sister is always there. Not all families are close and do stuff!

IPityThePontipines · 02/06/2020 02:57

I'm not that bothered about being an aunt, but I love the relationship my children have with their cousins. YANBU OP

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/06/2020 06:32

I'm an only child so I'll never be an aunt. DS has 2 cousins on his dad's side (we are divorced) but they live 200 miles away so he hardly ever sees them. DS is an only child too so I have to make a big effort with playdates.

I don't think it's a big deal really.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 02/06/2020 06:42

I agree that it isn't the end of the world but I think it's a little sadness that the OP is allowed to feel. I adore my DB's children (another one who hasn't found the same as @GrumpyHoonMain at all) and I do sometimes think that the only downside to DH being an only child is that it means they'll be our only nephew and niece and DS's only cousins. I think I would be a little sad to have none, and as long as you're not sharing that with your siblings or in any way making them feel that you're unhappy with their choices in life, it's ok to privately feel that way.

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