I will never be an aunt.

[Rubyred24]

I have two DD both planed. DB and DD both mid 30s and both married. Neither want children. To be honest all four baby understand why I would want them. They are quiet strict with mine and don't have a lot of patience but they all love them and have them stop over at theirs.

Growing up I didn't see my cousins so I know they aren't missing out however I am slightly envious when I see families meeting up or holidaying together. I only really socialise with family and I just feel a bit sad. There are multiple sets of sisters at my kids school who all share the school run and I'd assume it would bring them closer.

I will never be a biological aunt either and while I have nieces and nephews on DH's side I would love to have the chance to know that relationship on my side. It also means my children are the only grandchildren on my side, which brings its own pressures.

Honestly, you seem over invested in the idea of your siblings having children. Yeah, the idea of it can be nice - but it’s far from the end of the world. I actually find it pretty odd that it ever crossed your mind about surrogacy for a SIL who by the sounds of it never asked, and never sounds like she wanted children. (and as an aside, I would never be a surrogate for someone who didn’t want a child enough to “ruin” their own body for one. What kind of parent would that make?). That oddity about surrogacy is what really swings me to thinking you’re oddly invested in the idea of other people raging children.

YABU to be sad that other people don’t want children, when you want to use them to fulfil your fantasy of wider family. Stop socialising mainly with family and use the time to develop your social networks elsewhere.

@GrumpyHoonMain That's not my experience. I don't have sisters but am close to my brothers children as I am close to him. I am less close to another brothers children because I am less close to him.

I don't think the gender of the siblings is as important as the relationship between them.

I have a lot of biological nieces and nephews but my DH has non and its looking unlikely he ever will. I do wonder if he feels differently about our nieces and nephews than I do and whether he would love his own more if he had them. His sibling isn't local and isn't close to us so I suspect he would still be closer to my DB DC's even if he has his own.

Meant to add - my DCs love meeting their cousins and hopefully it will always be a bond, which is an extra lovely thing in their life. But if they never had that I'm sure they would be fine, you don't miss what you don't have.

People with very close extended families right on the doorstep might feel differently, but there are so many different types of family dynamics these days.....

You don't have to be related by blood to be an aunt my DC have two non related aunts they don't ever question it. Yanbu to feel down about it.

It's only from reading this thread that I've realised some people don't see themselves as being an Aunt unless their own siblings have children. Their DH's siblings children aren't proper nieces/nephews? Is that a thing?

I have no cousins and will never be an aunt, my mum was never an aunt and my dad never an uncle. We are a very small family lots of only children. Having seen how some families end up I have never felt like I've missed out, it's just how it is and it makes Christmas alot easier and definitely cheaper lol

I love my sister & brother in law’s little one. I wish we saw more of them. I love being an auntie. My siblings don’t have kids. They may one day but I enjoy being an auntie and my children have a close in age cousin, even if the time we spend is mostly limited to family holidays together.

@Ellisandra I think you're the over invested one. I've probably thought about it 3/5 times in the past 10 years. I'm by no means obsessed.

@Ellisandra my cousin could not have children and it got me thinking whether I would be the surrogate if my sister / sister in law asked. It was never spoken about.

I am an aunt and I can't remember the last time I saw my nephews, I am not close to my sister.

I am one of 13 cousins on one side and 9 on the other, I am closest to one of my cousins whose home I spent the most time in, I see his daughter alot and he sees my son, alot more than I see my own nephews

It depends on what you view as "being" an aunt

Officially I am an aunt

But my relationship with my sibling is historically poor, and I avoid them when I can

I don't really expect to ever properly know or be involved on a deep level with DN

I sometimes feel like this, I also felt quite a loss that I never got the "sister relationship" I always envisioned when she grew older.. (she's autistic and has numerous other disabilities)

Then it dawned on me.

I was sad because they didn't conform to the ideal I had in my mind, my wishes and plans.
And that's not how life works, we can't get angry when our expectations of other people don't work out.

I do get a pang of jealousy when I see Dh two sisters being proper "aunties" to their kids while I feel like a secondary auntie by marriage but that's just the way it is!

You are never unreasonable to feel the way you do, but try not to dwell because it's not your choice x

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit I see my siblings a couple of times a month. Especially Birthdays Easter Christmas Mother's Day Bank Holidays etc

I think it's more sad that your family don't see your BIL's five children, and that two of your nieces/nephews are in care, than that your siblings don't want any children. Doesn't that hurt worse?

@lissa93 I'm autistic too and my sister is the total opposite to me.

I have 32 cousins !
Very happy memories of us all growing up together ...and we are still close .
My DD has 8 cousins and has had a ball with them too , I love being an auntie
I understand why you are feeling sad OP

But your siblings clearly feel different

I’ll never be a mother. Shit happens.

@Saracen I've never had a relationship with them. My family are in our lives daily. We text every day. We don't hear from his family for months. DH never calls his mum. I don't like how he is with his family but he says that's how they were brought up.

But you are an aunt...

But you are an aunt, and you didn't step in to keep the nieces/nephews you have from going into care?

it got me thinking whether I would be the surrogate if my sister / sister in law asked.

why would that even cross your mind if they havent even mentioned it?
I think you have some disney movie ideal of families.
DP has 2 brothers, would be a cold day in hell before we holidayed with them. 1 would be ok for a few days - maybe, the other, it would end in a punch up. Out of her 5 cousins, dd sees 2. There has never been help with school run, even when we lived in the city.
My own brother will never have kids, we have spoken twice in 15 years and that was only the other week

Bigger family dont mean everyone close at all.

Mine probably won't have cousins either. 🤷 I was very close to my cousins growing up, by modern standards, and it did make family gatherings more fun, but I'm not worried about DD not having that. We also fell out a lot and caused many a family row between our parents. Lots of angst.

@Rubyred24 there’s no point in getting defensive then trying to tell me I’m very invested

I didn’t say you were “obsessed”, I said you seemed over invested in family members having children, and then thinking about surrogacy for someone who doesn’t want to “ruin their body” is just odd. It was your cousin who couldn’t have kids - not the SIL you were thinking about it for.

You can’t oust on AIBU then accuse someone who says, “yes, actually I think you are” as being more invested than you - and more invested that anyone on the thread who happens to agree with you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thinking about being a surrogate (even once) for someone who DOESN’T want kids is odd.

@MinesAPintOfTea If DH had a relationship with them and asked then maybe yes. I'd only met them once and I had a baby 2 weeks before they were born.