I long for a third baby but hubby says no

[Juicegoose]

Hello I’m new to this. I wondered if anyone could offer some advice? I’ve wanted a third baby for over a year now. It’s caused huge problems between myself and DH and he is still adamant that he will not budge. He is happy with two children and does not want anymore. I cannot move on and cannot stop thinking about a third. I’m completely and utterly grateful for my two ,I’m aware some mothers cannot be as lucky. For some reason I cannot shift the thought from my mind. I brought up the subject again yesterday as I’m 38 and he is 44 but again no movement from DH. I wish I could just move on but I can’t.

Then he needs to take over all birth control and get a vasectomy since he's the one who doesn't want any more children. I can see his point. He's 44, you have two healthy children and whilst many have healthy children at 38, plenty don't (autism is now showing evidence of being correlated with increased parental age and can't be detected antenatally). If you want to continue your marriage, I'm make it clear he takes over all birth control and see a counsellor.

Same herE

I’m desperate for a 3rd. My dh says no. Problem is my first two almost killed me. So there’s that also. So that helps that this time the dr said I could actually die if I had another. But that longing doesn’t go

Could it be your hormones making you feel like this? A lot of women late 30s early 40s feel a desperate urge to have a last baby.

I feel for you OP. But it's very hard growing up with a father who didn't want you.

It’s a really tough situation OP, and I feel for you. But ultimately this is a situation where the person who doesn’t want the baby trumps the person who does.

This may be something you can move past yourself with counselling. I would think very carefully about ending your marriage and trying to find a partner who would be willing to have a baby - the odds of this working out are not great, and the disruption to your existing children would be huge.

I believe that with a concentrated effort to focus on gratitude for what you have, and with counselling to help you deal with the feelings of disappointment, you can move past this.

I voted YABU, because I think if either one of you doesn't want a baby then that ought to be the end of it. It is natural to get urges for more so that isn't unreasonable. Enjoy the 2 children you have and give them extra love and attention.

You already have 2 happy children and a DH who doesn’t want another child. The extra child would be to indulge your needs, nobody else’s. I’d say be happy with your lot.

Then he should have a vasectomy.

Do you both work?

It is the hormones talking. It will get better and you will move in,you really will. You might even need up grateful that you didn't. I was desperate for a third child. It didn't happen. Then suddenly it hit me that I was so happy to regain my freedom again that I could have cried from relief.

You do get over it, you really do. What helped was focusing on something else to aim for. I chose training for a triathlon. I'd never done any of the three disciplines before. It was quite a challenge but I succeeded, and I then realised there were other things in life to give me that buzz you get from being a mum.

If its a definite no then you're only option is to leave and have a 3rd baby alone. Either through donation or hope you'll find a relationship before it's too late.

If you don't want to seperate then I'm afraid you have to just deal with it.

When you say baby do you mean baby i.e. you are longing to return to the newborn phase? Feeling a empty nesty as your children head of nursery/school or do you mean a third child? Do you literally just picture a baby or can you see another toddler, primary schooler, tween, teen in your life? I think its very different if its the first because you would probably get that feeling again when a new baby stops being baby. Like many PPs I think I don't want another baby trumps I want another baby, ideally all children should be planned and wanted by both parents. It's tough to long for another child (I struggled to get/stay pregnant and eventually managed to have one but never had the second and third I had always envisioned) but it a feeling that you can live with, lots of people do because infertility, finances, an unwilling partner, the end of a relationship/marriage means lots of people don't get to have another child.
I doubt you would be able to change your husbands mind but if you genuinely think you want another and its not a reaction to your youngest not being a baby any more sit down and have a serious conversation. What are his reasons for saying no? Is it something that might be negotiable like he thinks you will need to move or is it something fixed like his age? Tell him why it is important to you and he might, just might see your side. Ultimately someone has to "give in" because there is not a compromise of having half a baby so talk about your feeling and reasons and see if that makes either of you ready to change your mind.

It doesn't trump your feelings at all the fact he doesn't want a 3rd child. My dh said no until we finally sat down and discussed it properly. That was all I wanted was for him to consider my feelings. It also went the right way and we had our 3rd child. He was probably right about the family tickets for 5 being more expensive!

He is doing you a favor by being clear. Love your kids and pour that extra kid energy into developing your own interests. Sooner or later, kids grow up and leave, and you will always have yourself, and hopefully, your husband. Be interested in the world around you. There is so much to explore. I know it hurts now, but it will be freeing later.

You need to look at ways to get over this. You can either-
Seek therapy/counselling
Accept no third child
Leave the marriage and seek someone to father a third child

I'm wondering if it is because my children are growing up and now going to school in September. I've tried to cling on to baby things and I know it sounds really silly to some people but I'm sad to let go. My DH just says he is 44 and he doesnt want to go through the early stages again, sleepless nights and wants to just enjoy life now as the children are growing up.. its still hard for me as I'm yet to let go of my feelings. Thank you for all your helpful comments 😊

There is a grieving process. It helps to focus on the positives of the next chapter of your life, but to also let yourself be sad that the baby stage is over. It's never the right thing to have a baby with somebody who does not want one.

Obviously there are alternatives, like breaking up your marriage, finding a new partner, finding a sperm donor etc. But that's a difficult lonely messy road.

Some people are always broody. So no matter how many babies they have they always want another. Whether you have 1 child or twenty five children, there will always come a time when that phase of your life is over. Some transfer this into having lots of pets or working with kids, or onto being a grandparent. Many others feel a little sadness always. Most people, however, find something else to focus their energies on. Once my kids are all at school I am looking forward to concentrating on my career. Raising kids takes about 20 years or so, but we will be working for 40-50 years even including time off to raise kids, study etc. You could be working for another 30 years. What do you want to spend the next phase of your life doing?

You're technically young enough to leave, find someone else and have a 3rd baby if you get a move on and aren't too picky.

@highmarkingsnowbile

Then he needs to take over all birth control and get a vasectomy since he's the one who doesn't want any more children. I can see his point. He's 44, you have two healthy children and whilst many have healthy children at 38, plenty don't (autism is now showing evidence of being correlated with increased parental age and can't be detected antenatally). If you want to continue your marriage, I'm make it clear he takes over all birth control and see a counsellor.

My DS is autistic. He's healthy though.

(Also, I was 25 when I had him)

OP, you can either choose to let go of the idea of a third DC or separate from your DH and have a baby with someone else. I can definitely see it from both sides.

Good luck.

You're technically young enough to leave, find someone else and have a 3rd baby if you get a move on and aren't too picky.

How you would explain this to your existing children now and down the line is another matter of course.

It’s disappointing but you need to work on accepting this and moving on with your life. I don’t see why he needs to have a vasectomy. Condoms would be fine if you don’t want to be on hormonal contraception. Shifting responsibility for the contraception for the sake of it sounds as though others want him to be caught out. You might want a 3rd, but surely not with a reluctant father.

I've tried to cling on to baby things and I know it sounds really silly to some people but I'm sad to let go

Sounds like you know in your heart the reason for your yearning - it's always sad to let go but your DH is right to stand by his decision.

I’m with the PPs who say this is just hormonal broodiness once your DC are past the baby stage. Eventually you have to accept, that part of your life comes to an end.
And nobody has mentioned the damage you would be doing to our overcrowded and polluted planet.
Having an extra child adds an average 54 tons of CO2 equivalent emissions per year. It’s the single worst thing you can do, environmentally.
We already need two and a half planet Earths to give the whole global population a comfortable western lifestyle - we need to cut population levels, not increase them.
Every extra child of yours will grow up and have to be supplied with a house, transport, electrical appliances, services, utilities, food, clothes, entertainment. Please give the planet a break - stop at two.

If he does not want there maybe a strong reason. If it happens it may ruin your marriage.

I think his reasons are fair enough; but he should get a vasectomy or take control of the contraception.

I was in this exact position 2 years ago. I wanted a third but my hubby didnt he thought 2 was enough. It caused a lot of arguments in our relationship but in the end he gave in and we now have a 5 month old baby girl after 2 boys who my hubby adores. I suppose he saw my point when I said that he works and I look after them and do the school runs swimming lessons etc!

I’m not saying this would absolutely happen but a work colleague of mine was adamant she wanted a third when her husband didn’t. They went on to have a third child. They’re divorced now.