I long for a third baby but hubby says no

[Juicegoose]

Hello I’m new to this. I wondered if anyone could offer some advice? I’ve wanted a third baby for over a year now. It’s caused huge problems between myself and DH and he is still adamant that he will not budge. He is happy with two children and does not want anymore. I cannot move on and cannot stop thinking about a third. I’m completely and utterly grateful for my two ,I’m aware some mothers cannot be as lucky. For some reason I cannot shift the thought from my mind. I brought up the subject again yesterday as I’m 38 and he is 44 but again no movement from DH. I wish I could just move on but I can’t.

Why is it baffling to you that he doesn't want what you want? At 44 with 2 kids already, it's no wonder he doesn't want to do it all over again. You need to accept it's not going to happen and trying to pressure him into changing his mind is wrong.

Dancingalong yes that's me. I've found all of this so hard. It's a massive thing and when you love your husband so much it's hard when they say no to another baby. It does throw you off track for a bit especially if you want it so so much. I do want it so much but I suppose I will have to make peace like you said you did x

He's said no and you need to accept that. He's been honest and you can't ask any more of him than that. Only you can decide if it's a dealbreaker. I'm single and have one child. I don't want any more, not now, not ever and I would hate someone resenting me for that

I think it’s important to recognise that your feelings are valid and so are his. For a long while I would always answer to anyone asking if we were having another with “oh no we’re done” as I was desperately trying to convince myself I was. I realised this wasn’t helping as I wasn’t dealing with the issue so I answer honestly now that I would love another one but we’ve decided not to. Being honest with myself and having really honest conversations with my husband has given us both a better understanding of how we both feel and I can respect his point of view as he can respect mine. It doesn’t change the end result but I have found it helps.

You'll get past it, OP. You're suffering from Last Chance Saloonitis. You hit the late 30s and this broodiness sets in, broodiness in knowing that the option of having babies is getting narrower. I know we can basically have babies until menopause, but we don't. Realistically, our window of fertility begins closing around 40 and it's an incredible hurdle for most of us to jump. It's a bit of a bereavement, realising, at any age, that the family is complete and no more little ones will be showing up. It's a rite of passage and a bit of a sad one.
You never, ever know, OP. You could hit 40-42 and have that third baby. I can't go back and read the thread again, as I'm typing, but maybe, just maybe your DH needs a breather. Maybe the two kids just need to get a bit older. It's really, really hard doing those baby years again. I can understand why it gives him pause. But maybe in 18-24 months, he'll be more agreeable. Maybe not though. And the latter is more likely.
In any case, you WILL get past this. As you go into your 40s and as the kids get older, there's always that tiny little niggle. But it's minuscule. What makes it easier is when your social group and school mum network is at a similar stage to you. Eventually, you're not really in the 'baby world' phase. Your growing kids pull you into new phases and it is truly wonderful. You too will grow a lot in your 40s. It's sort of a new awakening, I find. I've had lots of health problems in my 40s, but spiritually and intellectually, it's been an amazing decade. I'm 48. Maybe I'll get the good health in my 50s.
38 is so young, but it is a little bit of a threshold for women, OP. You need to take time to honour that. It's a little bit of a 'one door closing another door opening' time in a woman's life, imo.
You know what really got me past my broodiness? A dog. A big ol' lovable mutt. This seriously helped me. Our dog really kind of sealed the circle. Again, that's a big commitment and maybe it's not right for you all. But for me, personally, it really helped me. The only problem is, I want another one!
I hope you can find your peace soon. In the end, it'll all be ok. It really will.

You are entitled to your desires and feelings, and you are not wrong or unreasonable to feel deeply disappointed that your husband does not share your wish for a third third.

However, the same goes for him - he is entitled to feel the way he does and he's not wrong or unreasonable either.

I would advise some counselling (individual and/or couple's counselling) to help you come to terms with this and move forward.

You also need to agree on contraception; if he doesn't want any more children then the responsible thing for him to do would be to get a vasectomy, but you might feel that this would be very "final" and might struggle if you feel he's rushed into it - if that is how you feel, ideally he would give you some time to get your head around it before going ahead.

He is doing you a favor by being clear. Love your kids and pour that extra kid energy into developing your own interests.

This is what I came here to say. I was in exactly your position OP. Right from the start I wanted 3 kids and right from the start my DH didn't. He claimed to want to wait and see. After the second I kept asking when would be the right time. For years he knew I wanted a third child.

Eventually, as DC2 approached school age, I said to him that it was now or never. I was 37, I had a career that had been on hold for years, and I knew once DC2 was at school I wouldn't be able to go back to the baby days. I told him that if he really didn't want a third child I could get past this and move on ( not easily) but it was decision time. He immediately told me he didn't want another and that was that. He'd known for 4 years he didn't want another child and wouldn't even do me the courtesy of telling me that. He kept me hanging for years and another 4 years later I'm still quite resentful to be honest. He's always been too scared to have a difficult conversation about anything, I shouldn't be surprised that this was the same.

It was so hard, but I did get past it, and sometimes I am grateful that I don't have the extra chaos that a third child would have brought, my two plus my job sometimes feels like as much as I can cope with. I went back to full time working when they were both at school and quickly gained promotion, I feel very fulfilled by my kids and work now.

I'm still astonished by his selfishness every time I think about it though. His reasoning was that it would be too tiring and he wasn't up for more sleepless nights. He knew how much I hated pregnancy, I was so sick both times for the full 9 months. That it didn't occur to him to think how much I must have wanted it to volunteer to do that again really disappointed me.

Be glad that your DH is being up front, and try to focus on what you have. Is another baby worth tearing your family apart for? I agree with the others who have said that the partner who doesn't want a baby unfortunately trumps the one who does in this case. I feel for you though, it's really hard.

Same. I know what you feel. I feel the same

But... You have to think about it.
Do you want to have 2 kids and happy marriage. Or 3 kids and a crappy marriage / ending up a single parent.

Count your blessings and try to move on

He has made it clear that he doesn’t want anymore children.
He may or may not change his mind in a few years, but at the moment he is adamant that he doesn’t want a third child.
If he’s a good husband and father there’s no point in rocking the boat.

I don't have the broody gene so I can only relate to his side of this, sorry. My close friend has two kids, they're wonderful but very hard work. She's constantly tired and short tempered because of the general stress of family life.

She wants a third baby but her husband says a firm no. He's an easy going, flexible type who's catchphrase is usually 'whatever makes you happy love' but on this issue he's not budging.

I don't blame him one bit. They're stretched thin already, and my friend has various health issues too. When I hinted that I could see his side of it, she said yes I know all that but I really want one.

It's a heart versus head kind of choice usually, and as the person providing most of the money and a lot of the time/energy resources too he has every right to be firm in his refusal.

Hope you can come to terms with it OP, it sounds like you do have a lovely family life.

My friend is the reality of forcing a husband to have a child he doesn't want. His wife nagged and nagged until he finally gave in as he couldn't deal with it anymore but he told her that it was her baby and he wouldn't be helping and he really didn't want one. She said fine and he kept his word.

He fully cared for the first two but wouldn't do anything for the new baby at all. As my friend grew up he was perfectly pleasant to her but she knew he didn't want her. He would take the two older kids out and leave my friend at home. He divorced my friend a few years after that.

He never really saw my friend after that. He died recently and split everything between the two first children and left my friend out completely.

Now I am not saying he was right, it was very cruel but I wouldn't want a child of mine to feel for a second that they weren't wanted if I could avoid that. My friend has been in counselling for years trying to deal with this, as well as her anger at her mother.

He divorced my friend"s mother*

My friend is the reality of forcing a husband to have a child he doesn't want. His wife nagged and nagged until he finally gave in as he couldn't deal with it anymore but he told her that it was her baby and he wouldn't be helping and he really didn't want one. She said fine and he kept his word.

He fully cared for the first two but wouldn't do anything for the new baby at all. As my friend grew up he was perfectly pleasant to her but she knew he didn't want her. He would take the two older kids out and leave my friend at home. He divorced my friend a few years after that.

What a vicious bastard.

The wife probably thought he would fall in love with the baby once she was born. She should never have agreed to his terms.

BarbedBloom's account shows just how disingenuous the "oh please I'll do all the work and it won't affect you" line is. Apart from the pressure of an extra mouth to feed/ decrease in life style no-one is seriously suggesting that their DH totally ignores the child he doesn't want. That is the reason don't want trump's want - not because the person that doesn't want a child is more important but because the child is more important.

Neither of you are BU. But I totally understand your sadness, OP.

When I met DH I already had DD. She was 8 and her father hadn't been in the picture since before she was born (his choice). DH and DD bonded almost immediately and she started calling him daddy within about 6 months. She's 25 now and they're still incredibly close.

When we met DH said he wanted to have 'one or two' children with me. However he changed his mind about a year after we got married. He said we already had DD and that was enough. I was absolutely desperate for another one, partially because I wanted a baby with him and also to give DD a sibling. But he was adamant.

It's caused me so much heartache over the years. It's definitely a type of grief. I adore DH and our little family unit is wonderful (we have no other family between us, which was another reason I wanted a sibling for DD). But part of me will never get over it. Every time I took a pill or had a coil inserted or whatever over the past 16 years it's been like a slap in the face. I've been seriously depressed at some points.

OP, you have to decide whether or not it's a deal breaker for you. I decided that however much it hurt, I loved DH and DD too much to break up the family over it. Actually it never even entered my head as a serious option. But if you do stay, it won't stop hurting. I'm almost 50 now and I don't think it ever will - incoming menopause has actually reopened old wounds a bit, knowing that my chance has finally run out.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do

Same position here. It’s heart breaking! Made worse by the fact we agreed on a third, started trying and then he changed his mind :(

My friend is the reality of forcing a husband to have a child he doesn't want. His wife nagged and nagged until he finally gave in as he couldn't deal with it anymore but he told her that it was her baby and he wouldn't be helping and he really didn't want one. She said fine and he kept his word.

He fully cared for the first two but wouldn't do anything for the new baby at all. As my friend grew up he was perfectly pleasant to her but she knew he didn't want her. He would take the two older kids out and leave my friend at home. He divorced my friend a few years after that.

That's so malicious and cruel. Using your friend, neglecting and emotionally abusing her to punish her mother. The mother was a fool, the father not worth spit. I hope your friend is supported by her siblings, not treated the same.

I had this feeling for a while, OP, at a similar age to you. DH was up for a third but when I actually thought about it, I realised it was probably only hormones and that I should concentrate on my existing children (concerns about overpopulation played a big part too in my case). A couple of years later the broodiness has passed (although I’ll always adore babies!) and I’m SO glad I stuck to two. My mum (2 kids) says she was exactly the same in her late 30s but was always glad she stopped at two. As others have said, count your blessings - two is a lovely number

Please try to be happy with what you have.

Know just how you feel.

I wasted many years longing for a third and not fully appreciating what I already had. My DH was adamant no more. It was just a no, no discussion, pleading etc would change his mind.
I used to feel so jealous of husbands who just went along with their wive’s desires for a third. It made me really unhappy for a time and DH just thought I should appreciate what I already had and feel lucky. He was right.

We did not have a third baby and life has moved on. Teenagers are challenging in their own ways, even the easy ones! Life is expensive and at times stressful, but our family of four is a happy little unit and I am glad I did not throw it away by focusing on what I wanted, rather than enjoying what I was lucky to have. Holidays, days out, choosing a film - silly things seem easier with two kids similar ages!

I got a puppy. Three days in I realised how glad I was not to have had another baby. It all came flooding back, but in a fur form! He really laid my bloodiness to rest, but also filled a little void for someone to cuddle (baby size). I agree with PP who said it completed their circle!

That autism and age thing is rubbish. I had my son at 23 and he has ASD.

I’m ina similar position although we have one child and I am so desperate for another I find I could cry or do cry most days about it now. DP is adamant he isn’t having another. I’m 32 and DS is 4 and I feel like I can either leave and have another but rip up DS’ little life in the process or stay and be heartbroken forever. I know not everyone agrees but I really don’t want DS to be an only child. My father died last year and the only way I got through was because my brother was there too. I literally don’t know what to do.

@Abbazed there is evidence linking increased rates of autism with older parents, but that doesn’t mean that younger parents can’t have a child with autism.

I’m in a similar position OP, mine is a bit different as I almost succeeded having my third child, but we lost him at 42 weeks - since then a mixture of grief and a sense of having a space that could never be filled has ramped up the urge.

I had always envisioned having three (I can’t really articulate why) DH always wanted just one. My first pregnancy was twins who are now 2.5yo so I guess in my DH’s mind the potential of another loss and the fact that we have two children which he had never bargained for (as neither of us ever considered twins as a possibility - he adores them both!) means that the baby chapter of our lives is closed.

It hurts like a fucker, I have extremely bad reactions to it all when I’m close to ovulation but I have to keep repeating the following to myself:

“I will not risk the family I have, for the baby that I don’t.”

It’s not easy, it’s hurtful almost to think that your partner doesn’t want another child despite how much you love each other/the children you have - but if you know deep down that he’s not going to budge then ask him to at least sit and listen to you express why you do desire another.

Set a time and date so he doesn’t feel caught off guard and become defensive. When setting the agreed time say it is not meant with the intention of changing his mind, but you feel you will not be able to feel any resolution to the matter until he has listened to you and heard you. Your feelings are just as important as his.