I long for a third baby but hubby says no

[Juicegoose]

Hello I’m new to this. I wondered if anyone could offer some advice? I’ve wanted a third baby for over a year now. It’s caused huge problems between myself and DH and he is still adamant that he will not budge. He is happy with two children and does not want anymore. I cannot move on and cannot stop thinking about a third. I’m completely and utterly grateful for my two ,I’m aware some mothers cannot be as lucky. For some reason I cannot shift the thought from my mind. I brought up the subject again yesterday as I’m 38 and he is 44 but again no movement from DH. I wish I could just move on but I can’t.

@NaviSprite but he has listened and heard her.

My husband and I had a similar discussion. But I was the one who didn't want another. I was clear that I understood his feelings but I did not want another. When he asked to talk about it further it kind of felt a bit coercive, because I love my husband and I don't want him to ever feel upset if it's something I can control. I can control whether we have another child, but I don't want one, so the entire conversation was frustrating and emotionally charged and lead no where.

OP is not unreasonable for feeling the way she does, but I think it is OPs husband that needs to approach OP if he changes his mind. Any further discussion doesn't necessarily mean OP is heard any more than she has been, but might just cause a rift in their relationship.

I think OP needs to talk to someone unbiased and possibly even qualified to help her work through her emotions, but talking to someone who is emotionally invested in not having another child won't yield any positive results.

Yes we have done this a few times over the last year. We sit down and I tell him how much it would mean to me but we always end up in the same place. He says he feels awful because he knows it's making me sad. He just doesnt want to go through it all again. I dont think he will change his mind at all so I need to now close this chapter or try x

As a few PPs have said, there's no middle ground here unfortunately and FWIW I fully agree with your husbands concerns.

When it comes to how many children to have, we all feel what we feel. I only have one and knew before having him I only ever wanted the one. My feelings haven't changed. DH says he could happily have had 2-3 so if I'd changed my mind he'd take no persuading... except I haven't. So we'll be sticking at one. If DH changed his mind and tried to persuade me to have another, I'd sooner break up our existing family unit than bring another life into the world knowing I don't want them. It's such a polarising issue.

Ultimately, it seems like you have to decide whether your existing family can be enough for you, or if you'd rather start over in the hope of meeting someone else and having another child, knowing that there aren't any guarantees it'd happen.

Source?

Did you agree on two? My DH agreed on two and I was happy with that. I am the same age as you and my dh the same age as your DH. Now I have a bit of a broody feeling growing but it's not strong and I actually don't really want another. I think this may be my age as the "last chance saloon" of my hormones kicking. If I wanted one really I can imagine I be tourturing my self as you are, sorry. It probably is hightened by your age. Babies grow so fast and it really doesn't last. The kids stage last much longer and there is so much to look forward to. I hope you find peace with this one way or another. Don't throw a good marriage away to have a kid with someone else (can't believe others suggest that)
Do you think you might like something small to take care off? I know this might not be for you or DH but my friend got a little dog after she couldn't have anymore. It was obviously not the same but she said it helped to cuddle something small and look after something that was quite dependant. Her kids where off to high school by then though.

@AlohaMolly and @NaviSprite
Sorry to you both for your losses

Proudmarys thank you for your comments. My husband has always just wanted 2 children but I think in life that number can change and it has for me. At 44 he thinks he is old.. We just disagree on our reasons. My sister had her 3rd a few months ago and I know that hasn't helped matters as I watch her go through the motions with a new bubba. I wouldn't want to break up our family as I love them dearly so I have no choice but to move on now.

I think you have summed it too there Juice. Time to put it to bed and move on. My DH was 42 when he had his last and he would agree with yours that having a child at 44 is hard work

I really wouldn’t have a third at 44, your 40s are when you get a little more of you back.

OP you sound like you have the hormonal urgings for a new baby, triggered by your older ones growing up and probably the impending slide into perimenopause.

You don't articularly sound like you want a fifth person in your family specifically. Do you desperately want that baby when its 8? 13?

I’m desperate for a 3rd. My dh says no. Problem is my first two almost killed me

So why put your life at risk and leave the children you already have motherless? Sorry, but I really, really don’t understand you

You already have 2 happy children and a DH who doesn’t want another child. The extra child would be to indulge your needs, nobody else’s. I’d say be happy with your lot.

I agree with Vamoosh
Expensive teenagers x 3, GCSEs x 3, A levels x 3, UCAS applications x 3, University financial support x 3. This is what you would be signing up for, and obviously your husband has already considered this. Do you work or are you a SAHM at the moment?

DigOutThoseLemonHandWipes raises some valid points

My DH just says he is 44 and he doesn’t want to go through the early stages again, sleepless nights and wants to just enjoy life now as the children are growing up

I totally understand where he is coming from. Why don’t you want to let go? There is more to life than raising children
I agree with the popular mumsnet mantra that the one who doesn’t want another child trumps the one who does. Sorry.

another. Having a third could cause a whole heap of resentment, and could potentially lead to the end of your marriage.Would it be worth that, for you and your existing children?

This ^^. You already have two. Having a third child impacts the whole family not just you. Don’t be so selfish. “I want doesn’t get”. We can't always get what we want in life.