to feel bad about not acknowledging the George Floyd murder to my employee this morning?

[user47000000000]

One of the girls who works for me happens to be black. I happen to be white. This is only relevant in context of this situation.

We have a great professional relationship and whilst we aren't friends outside work I know I have been a support to her with some personal things and with her professional development.

This morning I asked how her wkend was and she was very flat. I sensed something was wrong and asked her if she was alright, again she was flat and said she didn't really do anything. Her DH is a frontline worker and we have talked lots about her anxieties with this and how she finds it hard to relax so I thought "she clearly doesn't want to talk to me but is clearly not happy" so I said "well I hope you managed to get some down time to relax" to which she replied "well its hard to do that with everything that's been going on this weekend in the world".

I then twigged.

We had a very brief, awkward moment and then just talked about work. She didn't address it directly and neither did I.

At the end of the call I said "Look, I'm sorry if I was insensitive earlier". and she said "don't worry, everyone's the same".

I feel awful as I have obviously been outraged, saddened, angry about everything that's happened and have thought about it loads, what I can do, whether I'm raising my children in a way which fights injustice etc etc but I didn't think to mention it this morning. so is this white privilege? I feel awful.

@Cobourg - wow!

@MumpsimusMaximus

You weren’t insensitive.

Does she tiptoe round you every time a white woman is murdered?

The difference is a white woman being murdered is unlikely to be because of their skin colour. Plus this was someone killed by a police officer. That said I don't think you did anything wrong op. It is hard to know what to say or if you should say anything.

To be honest you sound like a very sensitive person and a kind and thoughtful colleague. As some have said, you really don't know what is going on her life and why she is flat in mood. I think you could say, that you're always there to talk, but you actually apologised at the end of the call anyway. I think saying "everyone's the same" isn't nice, as you don't sound the same you sound like someone who cares; that said it was probably an off the cuff remark. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself.

Intersectionality is the thing here, isn't it? She's black and female, so violence against women and violence against black people are both going to unsettle here. And she's got her fears about Covid19 like the rest of us, so she's scoring a 3/3 at this point when some of your employees are at a 2 or a 1. You sound like a good employer - you wouldn't be analysing how you handled this if you weren't - so give yourself a break, I'd say.

And remember, because of you, this employee and all the others are not experiencing financial insecurity and potential disaster on top of everything else!

Perhaps everyone at work, you included, could do with some sort of virtual group hug experience, just to knkemw that you are all valued and supporting each other through tough times. I don't have any ideas about what that would look like, but you no doubt will and so may other posters.

I think it's a time when a few kind, appreciative words could make a difference to everyone's morale - and it's free.

You haven't done anything wrong OP. You weren't insensitive. Try not to overthink it.

Does she tiptoe round you every time a white woman is murdered?

I don’t even know where to begin with this. A black man was murdered in the middle of the day, by law enforcement, who are supposed to protect and prevent these atrocities, whilst being filmed.

This is the result of systemic racism that devalues the lives of black man to the point that they didn’t even try to hide what they were doing.

If any colleague brought their dismay at the state of the world to work every day and let it influence their behaviour, I’d think that they were unprofessional and a bit of a drama llama.

Sad to see 'Whataboutism' on here. The adult equivalent of "Ner ner, ner ner ner!"

Honestly, I think if she wanted to talk about George Floyd and the wider issue she could and should have just done it. Being vague about feeling 'flat', upset etc and then being huffy when someone doesn't mind-read what it is you're upset about, is not grown-up behaviour. And I agree her saying "everyone's the same" is not nice or fair.

And I'm not the only one, go and ask China, India, Korea, Japan ....

What does this mean?

@sebandalice I’m wondering too🤨

I think you're over thinking it tbh. The murder of George Floyd is truely awful but I wouldnt assume especially in these generally crappy times that someone was upset with that because they were black. I think we can all safely assume there are lots of reasons to be upset right now. Asking if she wanted to talk and leaving it open is probably best.

WTF did I read there?

What does this mean?

That they are very racist countries that treat black people in appalling ways. She forgot North Africa and the Middle East.

I wouldnt give it too much thought. Youre not a mindreader. You cant be expected to know that she is feeling low because of racist murders in America or because of corona virus or because something shit had happened to her personally.

I wouldn't bother yourself about it. If she's not forthcoming about why she's flat, then you don't have to play 'guess the event' and she may not want you to either. She could be upset about any number of things, including George Floyd's murder, or not.

Honestly, I think if she wanted to talk about George Floyd and the wider issue she could and should have just done it. Being vague about feeling 'flat', upset etc and then being huffy when someone doesn't mind-read what it is you're upset about, is not grown-up behaviour. And I agree her saying "everyone's the same" is not nice or fair

This.

There is a perception that Asian countries are racist towards black people. Not sure where I heard it first but certainly something I was told as a child. For sure the way China is currently treating the black minorities who live there is shocking. Forced out their homes, unable to buy food from shops or restaurants vilified for spreading covid 19 (untrue). There was a story in the ft I haven't heard of white people enduring the same treatment.

Hugoavril - reported your disgusting post.

The thing about posts like HugoAvril's is the amount of time you waste then on wondering whether they are really, really stupid or really, really racist. Although I suppose it could easily be both.

Equally it would be absurd to assume she was upset over Floyd unless there’s some kind of connection there. I don’t take it personally when members of ethnic group are systematically murdered/otherwise mistreated. Obviously I think it’s awful, it feels closer to home because of the ethno-cultural connection/the thought that it could so easily have been me etc. but it wouldn’t ruin my weekend. I’d be bemused if someone made that assumption.

If she was indeed upset by that (as opposed to the countless other horrible things going on in the world) then she would have brought it up if it was something she wanted to talk to you about. I think you did well by following he cue and not pressing her/making assumptions about why she wasn’t happy.