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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to go on holiday without 3yo and 10 month old

56 replies

16more · 01/06/2020 10:01

Lots of people in my family are planning to go on holiday next summer. Cousins uncle auntie etc are all going. None of them have children so it's going to be a very laid back boozy week. A few days ago I suggested that I go on my own without dp and the kids cos he hates going on holiday anyway and never wants to go to other countries and obviously with a baby and toddler on my own it's going to be far from enjoyable if you ask me. Now he's saying he's not going to take the days off work to look after them so I can go, even though he's been to Ibiza for a week on a stag do and twice has been to a festival that's been 4/5 days away. But now I'm not allowed to enjoy a week away with my family on my own because it's my family and I should take the kids apparently. I don't have any friends so there's no way I would be going on a hen do or anything like that so I would see this as my chance to let my hair down. So disappointed that he sees it ok for him to go where he likes without the kids but for me I should take them.

OP posts:

zscaler · 01/06/2020 10:03

He’s an absolute arsehole.

You don’t need to stay married to someone this unreasonable...

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 01/06/2020 10:05

Outrageous. Why cant you have time out like he does?

Lazypuppy · 01/06/2020 10:05

I'd just book the holiday. He's being ridiculous, but he won't have a choice to not book time off.

Oysterbabe · 01/06/2020 10:06

He's a selfish arsehole and I absolutely would not let this go. Have you pointed out all the child free breaks he's had?

TeaAndBrie · 01/06/2020 10:06

It seems pretty obvious that he's not keen to look after the children while you are away. Whether that's because he cba or he doesn't feel confident to do so.
Does he have any upcoming plans to go away again? (Obviously not atm with Covid but in the future).
You need to discuss this with him and get to the bottom of the issue.
Does he ever look after the children alone?

3LittleMonkeyz · 01/06/2020 10:07

How bloody entitled is he? Thinking he can do what he pleases but you can't.

bumbleb33s · 01/06/2020 10:08

OMG double standards or what!!!

I'd be telling him, in the nicest possible way, you're going, it's ok for him and not you? Or, just book it, tell your family to keep quiet that you're going, a few weeks before sneak your holiday stuff to your friends house and then just go on the day, call him from the airport to tell him.

Have you tried to talk and reason with him, pointing out all his jaunts and you've had none?

LakieLady · 01/06/2020 10:11

Selfish fucker. He's had 3 breaks without the children but you can't have one.

Tell him you're going, and if he can't look after them, he can hire a nanny for the week. At his own expense, of course.

Original poster

16more · 01/06/2020 10:12

Yeah I pointed out the breaks that he's had, he said if I was going on a hen do for the weekend it'd be different, but there is 0 chance of that happening. His excuse is also that we don't know if we could afford for him to have a week off work which is ridiculous because I've got money coming in as well, and again it's ok for him to take the time out and not worry about missing work.

OP posts:

Original poster

16more · 01/06/2020 10:14

Also I have absolutely no idea what difference it makes to him whether I'd be on a hen do or on holiday with family

OP posts:

ThePants999 · 01/06/2020 10:14

Did he arrange with you that you'd look after his kids when he went away? Or did he just assume that since they're your kids as well, you'd do so?

Because either you agreed to it, in which case he owes you a return of that favour, or you didn't, in which case he's established a precedent that one of you can go away and leave the other looking after the kids. Either way, you're going.

TeaAndBrie · 01/06/2020 10:16

Surely he would take it as annual leave and so wouldn't be losing out on money.
You need to gain some control in the relationship. It needs to be equal and right now it sounds more like you're asking your dad than your DP!
What happens with this situation will dictate how you remove forward so it's important you stand your ground.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/06/2020 10:16

He’s an absolute git!
It makes no difference to him why you are going away OP - in fact can you just announce someone’s getting married / renewing vows so it’s like a family hen

TeaAndBrie · 01/06/2020 10:18

Move not remove, sorry!

He probably thinks that if it was a hen do then it's something you 'have' to go to rather than choosing. I'm not agreeing with him, just offering a suggestion as to how he sees the situations as being different.

Original poster

16more · 01/06/2020 10:18

@teaandbrie he's self employed so wouldn't get annual leave. @thepants999 I can't really remember but I'm pretty sure he didn't ask me first and just announced that that was the plan.

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Original poster

16more · 01/06/2020 10:20

Oh get this, the latest is that he didn't go on the stag do for himself, he went for his friend who was getting married! That poor sod having to spend a week in Ibiza for someone else.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/06/2020 10:20

TBH it would be a deal breaker for me, double standards - I reckon he's said hen do because he doesn't think there will be one and because he hasn't thought of a reason as to how he could say no to that - I reckon he'd say he couldn't get the leave off work.

I really would be prepared to split up over it.

Booboostwo · 01/06/2020 10:20

Hypocritical arsehole. You should both be entitled to the same time off child care commitments. You can do whatever you want with your time off, your time is not his to police.

TeaAndBrie · 01/06/2020 10:20

Ah okay, that makes sense.

If you are being completely Honest, do you think it's that he doesn't want to look after the children, he doesn't want you to go away and have fun without him, or do you think it's the money situation?

Nitpickpicnic · 01/06/2020 10:22

Book it. Book it. Book it. End of.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 01/06/2020 10:22

Also I have absolutely no idea what difference it makes to him whether I'd be on a hen do or on holiday with family

Because one of them is very unlikely to happen, so he can say he’s ok with it, the other is actually happening and he’s not happy that he’s going to have to look after his own DCs. Selfish prick.

I’d tell him that if he doesn’t agree to look after them for this week he’ll be looking after them every other weekend and one day every week when you divorce him. Selfish twat.

AllsortsofAwkward · 01/06/2020 10:24

Has there always been an imbalance in you're relationship? Younmeantioned you dont have any friends why? Do you not get any time to socialise or are you stuck at home?

DemolitionBarbie · 01/06/2020 10:26

He's being an arse BUT do you mean your baby is 10mo now or would be 10mo then? I wouldn't be able to leave a 10mo that long, especially partner wasn't used to it...

Rainbowqueeen · 01/06/2020 10:29

Tell him there’s been a change of plan, it’s now a hen do not a family holiday and book it.
The bottom line is he doesn’t want you to go and he’ll use any excuse, especially one that makes you feel bad about yourself to take the focus off how he’s really the asshole here.
What does that say about him??
Things need to change.

Original poster

16more · 01/06/2020 10:30

@allsortsofawkward I've just not even really thought about having a break untill now, so this is the first time I've felt the imbalance. I have no time to socialise really no.

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