Division of labour. Aibu?

[oldlongjohnson]

This is our household. I feel it's unfair. What do you think?

My jobs
Cook majority tea
Washing in
Washing hung out
Washing put away
Polishing table
Dusting / general tidying
Cleaning floor (kitchen)
Hoovering floors
Cleaning bathroom
Hoovering upstairs
Tidying babys room
Tidying our room
Cutting grass / gardening
Shopping online / in person
Car jobs (checking oil / tyres etc)
Majority of dog walks
Emptying dishwasher
Tidying conservatory
Make bed every day
Full time childcare

Husband jobs
Bins every week
Cook 2 times a week
Majority washing up (dishwasher)
Some dog walks
Washing put away (if I bring it up)
Full time work

How old are the DC?

What hours does DH work? Full time can vary quite a bit.

DC is 2

DH works 8.30-4.30, Mon-Fri

It's not about a list of jobs, it's more how many hours/minutes per week do each of you get to do absolutely nothing other than please yourself? These should be equal.

Do you not work?

@LilyMarshall not paid work no, I was made redundant before lockdown and my new job has now dissolved. I am doing the childcare full time.

I’m a great believer that it should be 50/50 division of labour. That list doesn’t feel 50/50 to me. What sort of childcare is he doing?

From those lists, id give him emptying the dishwasher and putting everything away obviously. And also he’d get Emptying all the bins in the house too. Bins as one job. Dishwasher as one job.

Tbh you are massively breaking down your jobs To make your list look longer. Honestly im surprised you dint break down the hoovering further into the different rooms! Why do you have it listen twice for different floors? And washing. You have that broken down into three jobs. It is one. Washing.

Do you give each other a lie-in? That's a huge bone of contention in our household!

We have one dc, 3 year old. That's basically the same as our division, pre lockdown, although I was also working part-time. Now dh is furloughed and I'm the one working, we've swapped.

How do you both spend weekends? Does he look after the child so you can do something? Or do you spend the weekends as a family? Or is he fucking off golfing of cycling?

For a 3 person household, most of those jobs are just a few minutes or infrequent (speaking as a SAHM in a family of 6).

If you feel hard done to though, speak to your DH.

My DH works full time and km a SAHM. We divide workload on the basis of free time. So if I have enough time to have two afternoons a week doing next to nothing just vegging on the sofa, it's fair he gets the equivilant time during his week too.

He has a short working day. Is bedtime for the toddler shared?

To be honest, I got stuck on “polishing table” - people do that?!

To be honest, I got stuck on “polishing table” - people do that?!
For me it is that it is listed as a separate job to polishing / dusting everything else.

You work F/t inside the home, him f/t outside the home. So when he comes home, then things should be divided equally. So over a fortnight, you cook 7 times out of 14 and him the same for example.

Who does the bath and bedtime routines? Is that equal?

I guess maybe it does look more because of the way I broke it down.

I guess because I do it on different days usually - hoovering downstairs is every day, but upstairs only needs once every few days.

I just feel constantly busy, whereas as soon as DC is in bed DH is on Xbox for a good 2 hours.

It's difficult to tell from your list because it's more about how much time things take and how much effort they are rather than the number of jobs you're doing. For example, if he cooks a Sunday roast but you cook a frozen pizza then you both cooked dinner but it's not equal work. Is he sat around doing nothing whilst you continue to do things or do you get time when you're relaxing during the day whilst he's at work? What was the division of labour when you were working full time? There are a lot of jobs that aren't listed on your post - who does those? Does he literally never spend time with your child like your post suggests or do you just only consider it work when you do it?

To be honest, I got stuck on “polishing table” - people do that?!

I thought the same. Cleaning the table at ours means flash antibac to get up all of yesterday's dinner off the waterproof table guard (and takes about 60 seconds)

Does full time childcare mean your husband never watches your child, bathes him, puts him to bed, changes a nappy, gets up with him at night? What does your husband do exactly on Saturday and Sunday?

Or is it not full time child care you do after all (I suspect this)

Do a spreadsheet with both your waking hours and add the time it takes you to do each job into it. Same for him, but he has to have 8 hours a day removed for work.

I do see your side I really do I'm in a similar situation, my husband just makes the spreadsheet based on waking hours and to be a bit fair to him he might have a point.

Bedtime is shared yes.

Polishing table is because that's the only dusting we tend to do 😂

Does he have a commute on top of those hours? That makes a difference to the comparison of free time.

Does he literally do nothing with his toddler after work? If so that’s shit - not just from a division of labour point of view, but him not caring about spending time with his own child.

Honestly, being home full time with some 2 year olds is pretty easy, and “tidying” simply means not leaving in place the mess you’ve been creating without him. For other 2 year olds, you can’t do ANY of your list and care for them at the same time. So it’s impossible to say.

One thing I can say though - something’s not right if you can’t talk to him instead of sounding out strangers first.

I agree it depends on all the hours spent. Also how old your children are as a pre school or young primary child is much more hands on than a teen for example.
In my opinion you should both have equal leisure / free / hobby time and that's what counts, to me.
Also I'm not sure if walking the dog is a chore, unless you're ill or its raining or freezing or dark or something. I thought people got dogs because they liked walking them.

DH is on Xbox for a good 2 hours

Could you sit and watch tv, or go out for a walk, or something else for you, at this time?

Oh you have a 2 year old! In that case you must do more, because entertaining a 2 year old takes up most of your day, surely? Unless they are unusually quiet or have good concentration. I turn my back on mine for a few minutes and she has caused chaos

My DC is very demanding so minimal things I can do on my list when he is awake. I'd say 80% has to be when he is napping or asleep at the end of the day.

DH has 20 min car journey home in a taxi (he can't drive) or I pick him up sometimes.

When he gets home he watches TV or plays with DC while I cook usually.