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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That he highlighted I was not invited.

127 replies

ChewaBewaNewaCewa · 31/05/2020 19:05

I'm probably being aibu,
Me and boyfriend dont live together but went on a walk today as we live nearby.
He said he was going to a bbq next week at an old friend's house. I told him that's great and just asked about the friend because I never heard off him.
Then boyfriend just goes 'Yeah it will be fun. You're not invited by the way'.

I didnt even think I was invited nor dis I make any suggestions that I was inviting myself. I just laughed and said 'okay' but I don't think he had to be so straightforward like that.

I understand if i was like "so when is it, i"ll see if i can make it" but all i asked about was how he knew the guy because i never heard his name.

Probably really silly thing for me to be aibu about.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChewaBewaNewaCewa · 31/05/2020 19:20

It's hard to explain tone hahah, He kind of just said it and then squeezed by hips after he said it,
He just said it in his normal tone I suppose haha

OP posts:
Original poster
ChewaBewaNewaCewa · 31/05/2020 19:20

*squeezed my hips

OP posts:
Original poster
ChewaBewaNewaCewa · 31/05/2020 19:21

No we dont really do everything together,
I go for meals with my friends on my own and he goes on short weekends away and night outs with his friends,
And sometimes we do stuff as a group aswell

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 31/05/2020 19:22

OP, I can’t see he did anything wrong. He possibly just felt awkward that you weren’t invited and pre-emptied you asking or having an awkward conversation down the line.

That's what I'd think. It wouldn't occur to me to be offended or that it might offend someone if I did that. I'd presume clarity would avoid offence.

That said I unintentionally offend a lot by being too blunt.

Grilledaubergines · 31/05/2020 19:24

i didnt say i expected an invite? Quite the opposite that I wasnt expecting an invite to.someone i dont know's BBQ. But i just wasnt expecting him to just pop out with it

I wasnt suggesting you were.

I was commenting generally that joint invitations aren’t the only way.

I just don’t see the big deal. Sorry!

Pebblexox · 31/05/2020 19:24

I mean he possibly could have worded it better, but I don't think he did anything wrong.
Given the current situation and the fact that the amount of people you can see is limited he probably just wanted to clear up that by mentioning it to you, he wasn't inviting you. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like he said it to hurt you or make a point. Just make you aware.
I wouldn't be offended if my husband told me I wasn't invited somewhere.

Carrotgirl87 · 31/05/2020 19:25

A year in, a friend you've never heard of and a quick and brutal 'you're not invited.' Inclined to think he's lying to be honest. Why would someone who doesn't know you tell him specifically that you can't go? Sounds really weird. ' Hey friend Iv not seen in ages, bbq at mine this weekend, but you're girlfriend can't come.' Nope. Weird.

Grapesoda7 · 31/05/2020 19:25

I don't think he has done anything wrong.

In normal circumstances maybe you would have been invited, but as we can only have gatherings of 6 people (if you're in England), it sounds to me like your partner thought that you thought you were invited too and was just being clear that you weren't (in a slightly blunt, clumsy way).

If he's usually nice and it's all been going well, I wouldn't give it any more thought

Bluetrews25 · 31/05/2020 19:27

He put it clumsily. Should have said 'old mate has invited ME round to a barbie'.
I wouldn't rush to dump if that is the only issue you have.
Assuming no cheating / alcoholism / gambling / abuse / cocklodging etc.

Pebblexox · 31/05/2020 19:27

@carrotgirl87

A year in, a friend you've never heard of and a quick and brutal 'you're not invited.' Inclined to think he's lying to be honest.

I have to disagree with this point. Even now 6 years later my husband mentions friends I've never heard of, and has been to catch up. If people are in your life regularly they don't always come up in conversation. Especially if they've just got back in touch.

diddl · 31/05/2020 19:29

I wonder if he thought that you were angling for an invitation by asking about the friend?

That said, he seems to have made rather a point of telling you-as you say, you weren't asking for details.

toobusytothink · 31/05/2020 19:33

I think he did the right thing actually. I remember at that age there were lots of nights out where sometimes it was boys only and others gf were invited and actually I’d want to know. There’s nothing more awkward than not knowing whether he meant both of you or not. Sounds as though he felt a bit awkward about it too and just wanted to clarify but in a slightly clumsy way

donquixotedelamancha · 31/05/2020 19:34

A year in, a friend you've never heard of and a quick and brutal 'you're not invited.' Inclined to think he's lying to be honest.

I'm amazed it took this long to decide he's lying. That's my 4 corners, I just need 'he's cheating' and LTB for a full house.

OP, unless you are trying to get mad enough to break up with someone this is really not a great place for relationship advice.

burnoutbabe · 31/05/2020 19:34

I'd be wondering if

The bbq person said DO NOT INVITE X

or

Bbq person said to be "come over to a bbq" and bf doesn't want you there

As I'd be wondering what on earth happened if it was the first one. And why bf was happy with that.

OhTheRoses · 31/05/2020 19:36

Well the friend can only invite 6 people. Assume you and bf are not social distancing as he squeezed yr hips. Say that as a mother of a 25 year old who has not seen his gf of 6 months or more because they are following the rules.

Thonk everythong's a bit weird at present and people have maybe forvotten boundaries.

Samtsirch · 31/05/2020 19:37

I think he could have been more tactful, perhaps said something along the lines of « it’s just a few of us, no partners though, sorry «.
But if you both do things separately as well as together then I wouldn’t upset your self over it.
My partner sees his friends without me and vice versa, try not to overthink it, it doesn’t seem that he was deliberately trying to hurt you.

Pebblexox · 31/05/2020 19:37

I don't get why people assume it's something shady? 😂
Could it not just be that give you're only allowed to see 5 other people that the friend doesn't have space for an extra body. It sounds to me the bf just wanted to make the point clear so she didn't get upset when he didn't actually bring her.
Honestly, it may have come across a little rude but I don't see how weve come to conclusions of you need to dump him and he's lying Hmm

Original poster
ChewaBewaNewaCewa · 31/05/2020 19:38

My only guess why im not invited is either because 'boys only' or '6 people rule' but im not about to send him a message now saying 'WHY AM I NOT INVITED?' Grin

I just wanted some perspectives as I got home when he left and thought 'why did he say that?' but maybe he didnt mean it as abrubtly as it came out.
I'm not about to dump him, just wanted thoughts before i overthink haha

OP posts:
Nevertouchakoala · 31/05/2020 19:39

Weird.

BessMarvin · 31/05/2020 19:39

The wording sounds rude. Like he could have said oh it's just a guys / ex work colleagues/ whatever thing. Instead it sounds like it's specifically about you.

Original poster
ChewaBewaNewaCewa · 31/05/2020 19:40

@OhTheRoses ermmmm excuse me?
I went 4 months without seeing my boyfriens and have both been furloughed and havent really left the house.
Humans need physical contact and if him squeezing my hips is such a terrible awful devilish thing then i think it's a sad world we live in

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 31/05/2020 19:40

He was a little brusque in how he told you. Given he blurted it out, I would have taken it as him thinking you probably should be invited but either he didn’t want you to go for some reason, or he’d asked and been told no/forgot to mention you when catching up the friend, so couldn’t invite you along.

Obviously there are some ways that either of those situations could be bad, but for the most part it’s fairly normal to want some of your life to be just you and not you & your partner as a unit.

I could see it bugging me if it seemed to be that he was expecting me to kick up a fuss about it or to somehow be annoyed at him going when I wasn’t because it would indicate he didn’t really know me that well and may be that he saw me as a burden in someway. That would annoy me and may be make me question how he saw me and what role I played in his life a bit.

But, as I say, I don’t think the brusqueness necessarily means that. So if it’s the only thing he’s said along these lines YAprobablyBU.

I8toys · 31/05/2020 19:44

Dick thing to say.

BumbleBeee69 · 31/05/2020 19:45

He's NOT a keeper OP.. Flowers

burnoutbabe · 31/05/2020 19:46

I think if he had said "sorry it's only 6 people" that would have made more sense.