To think Mil is a cheeky cow?

[KangarooAtTheZoo]

My parents live an hour and 20 minutes away by car. My Mil lives an hour and 30 minutes away in the other direction. My Mil has never made an effort with my parents and completely ignored them at my wedding (only 15 guests at my wedding) and has sent them passive aggressive text messages in the past. She has never been interested in my dc much, but is always asking how often my parents are visiting and makes passive aggressive comments about it. She has tried to invite herself on a day she knows my parents are visiting and isn't interested in visiting another day.
Both me and my husband can't drive due to different reasons but I am hoping to learn soon.
My Mil is on the government vulnerable list due to her medication. My parents are not on the list and are in their early 50s.

Mil has said that when the lockdown is eased that my parents should drive to my house and then pick us all up and then drive to her house so she can see my dc in the garden. My dc is 2 years old and would not understand the distancing rules. My parents have not seen my dc for 3 months and don't want to spend almost 6 hours driving in one day and to mostly see my dc in the back seat of a car.
AIBU to think my Mil is being a cheeky cow?

Sounds like performance grandparent, look at last my grandson has arrived!!
She’s not shielding if she visitong ppl.

helen you made up that the woman ‘clearly misses her grandchild’, did you not bother to read the OP, or any of the updates? You’re making a fool of yourself.

If your parents visit you that is fine (social distancing assumed). Ditto MIL coming to you. However getting into your parents car to visit MIL would be breaking the new rules

Just tell her she can visit you in your garden. And don’t make a drama and of it.

How are you supposed to socially distance your parents' car? Is MiL expecting your lot to sit on the roof or be dragged behind in a trailer?

That would be putting you all at risk-is she just too stupid to realise this or just selfish?

I thought the relaxed lockdown rules meant that you couk meet people in your garden at 2m distance away, not that you can get into a car virtually on top of each other. You would be breeching the rules. Don't be like Dominic Cummings!

😂😂😂😂 hahaha, um, no.

Sorry, for clarity, that is what I think you should send to MIL. Or better yet, tell her to ask your parents directly for this 'favour', given that she rarely gives them the time of day, and let them respond accordingly.

It takes a special kind of thinking to assume that you have the right to impose those kinds of requests upon people you show barely any respect to on a regular basis.

I agree that the request isn’t reasonable, especially given the distances involved and I think it’s perfectly fair to say No and explain why and suggest an alternative solution.

However... Does your MIL have many friends?
I’m wondering if she struggles to engage socially.
Maybe she didn’t make a fuss of your parents at your wedding because that’s not how she is?

I had a couple of mum friends from my NCT group who weren’t very positive towards their MIL’s. I subsequently met their MIL’s and realised the problem was with the DIL’s because they were judging their MIL’s on their own family values and couldn’t see that it’s OK to do things differently. One MIL was a quiet person and desperate not to be intrusive so DIL took that to mean disinterested. It didn’t stop her asking for babysitting favours at the last minute though.

Is there a FIL around? Is MIL lonely?
Maybe your MIL actually enjoys your parents company even if she’s not chatty herself and finds you difficult to talk to on your own, so having your parents there makes the meeting go better?

I know lots of posters will dismiss this out of hand but I know my Aunty used to hang off my mum’s coat tails (Mum was the younger sister), as she wasn’t a confident person herself. Unfortunately, she was sometimes a bit rude and not always outwardly nice to my mum. I only realised when my mum died that my Aunty needed my mum to bolster her own confidence and she felt very bereft after she died.

I think her suggestion is unreasonable but I do wonder what she says to your parents that is passive aggressive, not to be nosy but in case there is some other interpretation. She may be a bit defensive because she feels unwanted and that feeling manifests itself in standoffish ways.

'That doesn't work for us' is all well and good, but what about when they say:
'Why not?'

It might be she has poor sense of direction. A few of my friends are like this. The assume that once you are in a car you will be passing them, even if they live an hour in the opposite direction.

Not done maliciously or with another agenda, just completely clueless.

Could this be the case with your mil? It might be worth pointing out that to see her would involve an extra 3 hours driving for your parents and would cut into the time they could see the children hugely. This just isn't an option.

That she is very welcome another day but you getting a lift to her house just isn't practical.

Just say no

Because it's against the rules you can only see people outside. That's why not.

she is a comedian?

although perhaps she could have a garden party op, and your parents could bring you all?
would that be nice?

is it really so bad?
what would your parents feel about it?

Nope, wouldn't do that. Wouldn't ask my parents to do that for someone who hasn't been friendly to them or particularly interested in your dc.

She can certainly drive to your house (on a different day!). That should be perfectly fine for someone who's shielding, provided her car is reliable.

Why though?
If she's not bothered, why on earth would she expect you and your parents to do that?
She can drive, so she can drive to you.
And if she doesn't want to bother, then that's down to her.

YANBU.

I’m the age of your parents so have similar experience in having come across idiotic people before.

The way to deal with this is whenever MIL says when lockdown is over I think you should do this, this and this, you either ignore the message completely if it’s a text or if verbal you adopt the smile and wave approach which is broadly, “yeah, maybe, when lockdown is over...”

If you ever get called on it, you just say that there’s no way your parents would want to drive all day, or ‘yeah that didn’t work for anyone, why not arrange to come down on your own sometime mil?’

Don’t let these people sense any weakness, just say no or ignore attempts to make you do things you don’t want to do.

It is still against the rules! You are allowed to meet people not from your household in the open air or in your garden. You are not allowed to drive with members of 2 households i the one car. You don’t need any other excuses; it is simply against the guidelines. Tell her that and be firm about it!

Sounds like my late MIL and FIL.
Not really interested in the DCs, but just wanted us to visit so the neighbours could see the devoted family visiting. So coming to us was never an option.

@CecilyP

It is still against the rules! You are allowed to meet people not from your household in the open air or in your garden. You are not allowed to drive with members of 2 households i the one car. You don’t need any other excuses; it is simply against the guidelines. Tell her that and be firm about it!

No, the MIL said when it was all over

And even if they were the best of friends, it would still be against the rules, so no no back story is needed to justify saying no!

why dont you invite both sets of parents over, op?

are you sure she is sending passive aggressive texts?
are they being misconstrued.

i think you need to have them all over at the same time, build any supposed bridges.