Mothers - who’s is more important?

[MrsRose2018]

Is the first time mothers “right” or “need” to see their mother/have them around post birth more important than the first time fathers?

No MN rage please, I’m not saying I believe this is true, This is just the conversation me and my husband have been having and I’m curious of your thoughts?

I basically just said to my husband that his family could come over, no problem, but that if I didn't want to be "entertaining" I would stay in bed and watch tv/have a nap/have a shower etc. They can see the baby and I can have my privacy. As it happened I did want to see them at the time so it was OK.

Everything is different in 'rona times though and I completely understand why people are more hesitant to have any more people than strictly necessary come over and breathe on a newborn.

My DP was in hospital with our DD for a few days, but she was still bleeding when she came home.

Of course @SarahAndQuack , I meant more in the sense that you probably need some urgent medical care. Immediately after birth, especially with an episiotomy it can be a bit of blood bath - your carrying a lot of extra blood that your body needs to expel - but it should be manageable with two maternity pads stuffed in a really big pair pants and it already eases off considerably by the second day. I was referring to a PP reference to ‘blood soaked nighties’ in the days after birth which a mum would be washing - if you’re leaking through maternity pads to the point that your nightie is soaked then you need to seek urgent medical attention. I’m a bit concerned by what kind of things are being implied to be expected and normal aspects of post partum recovery on here.

I work with women in the immediate postnatal period and the experiences women have vary massively. It is completely normal for a first time mum to underestimate the postnatal blood loss and leak through a pad onto a nighty. I’ve cared for women who empty their bladder on standing (control is regained quickly, but it is some women’s experience). I have also cared for women sobbing their eyes out with bleeding nipples and a 3 day old baby that won’t feed. I’ve handed women ice packs to put in their underwear because their perineum feels like a baboon’s bottom.

These things are some women’s experience. TLC and decent advice goes a long way in making the recovery easier for these women. But let’s not pretend that everyone just has a heavy period, goes shopping in Tesco on the way home from hospital and then can pop the kettle on for the grandparents. That isn’t everyone’s experience.

But that was exactly what DP's experience was. She was certainly soaking through multiple pads.

I went to NCT courses alongside DP and they did explain it's normal for the bleeding to be contained to a maternity pad, but the hospital also explained that it's actually not that unusual for women to bleed more than that. I think the statistic was something like 25%.

It wasn't a matter of seeking urgent medical attention - that medical attention was there. But it was the reality. The thing is, if you look at any specific complication, numbers are probably fairly small. But many women will experience one or another issue that feels embarrassing or debilitating or just plain painful. Of those women, many may feel quite happy to have visitors, but others may not. It's not strange to say that some women will, therefore, not want lots of visitors.

It just seems to me obvious that, whether or not a new mother experiences really difficult recover or not - and whether she is profoundly medically affected or not - the point is that her partner is not affected in these ways. Nor is either grandmother.

How can anyone argue with that?

Ah but people will argue with anything on AIBU

Seriously though, well said Spoons1988 and SarahandQuack.

My mil was present at the birth, it wasn't planned. DP just said "do you mind if mum comes in?" I phoned my own mum to let her know and she said "Oh, you've had it then!"

If like you said it's about who they want to see the baby, I think it should be all grandparents. Saying she wants to get the baby into a routine is just a kick in the face to the paternal grandparents. If it's safe enough for the maternal grandparents to visit at a distance it's safe enough for both sets off grandparents to see the baby.

Your friend is just following common sense. A month is a very short time, it will fly by.

A lot depends on the relationships involved of course.
Most new mothers, who have a healthy relationship with their own mother, would want them around as support - whereas a mother-in-law could be a little less supportive of the new mum and more worried about their own son. (family experience here).

In my case, I invited my MIL to come and stay with us because my own mum had died while I was pregnant. I would not, however, have invited my mother to stay at any price - partly because she only lived 15 minutes away but mostly because she would have driven me NUTS.

As to "rights" - I don't think anyone particularly has the "right" to dictate what happens, but as the person who has done the most work in the situation, I do think the new mum's feelings should be given the most consideration.

Personally I wanted my DH there as a partner helping and being involved.

With my oldest when my mum or MIL was there they took over, told him he was doing it wrong which made him doubt himself and he did less. (And contributed to his post natal depression and my exasperation)

With my 2nd I put my foot down and told them to no give her back to him and back off. He was and is a fantastic very hands on dad.

My lack of need for my mum and MIL did cause major tension but also made DH and my relationship stronger.
We now both have the ability to put in boundaries with our families and have each other’s back.

The woman growing a human inside of her, pushing it out or having it extracted, and then then solely responsible for nourishing the baby with her own body gets whatever support people she needs.

I think the FTM will need emotional support through the birthing process and if that means having her mum there will help her cope and give her strength then that does take priority in my opinion. It’s about getting the baby there safely and the mothers wellbeing too. She does take priority as she is going through something totally life changing emotionally and physically. I am not minimising the experience for the father, but in that moment the woman needs support and not a debate about who deserves their parents there the most!

Your friend is in a partnership and family on both sides come with it. Children complicate this more. Don't cut either side out if seeing the grandchild. Instead set fair boundaries for both grandparents. If covud involved neither should hold baby or travel. If she has to stay in home let her but ask her to help in the house explain to partner that you will not be hosting. If you are breastfeeding that only supportive comments will be tolerated. Jyst set them and ensure partner knows that you will need support. Don't take the burden it is to be shared.

I agree with Saltystraw.

The mother needs her own mother there and her needs should be prioritised.

@Calm33

I agree with Saltystraw.

The mother needs her own mother there and her needs should be prioritised.

But what is the woman's mother going to do in this instance? Stand in the garden and see baby from a distance. How is that supporting the new mum? That's just seeing baby so why can't dad's mum do the same? The baby's mum doesn't even have to be present does she? She can stay inside the house while dad pops into the garden with the baby to show his mum.

I didn't want either of them.

"Yeh so this was born out of my best friend, who is due in 4 weeks, asking her husbands family who live 3 hours away to not visit for about a month until they get a routine settled with the baby and also see what the COVID situation is.

Her mum however lives 15 mins down the road and will get to meet the baby post birth but still not touching/holding him/socially distancing"

Based on this comment I would say the mother's mum is the most reasonable answer as she is the closest but it's a moot point really if she's not actually involved post birth.

If it came down to having to choose one's mum over one's MIL that would entirely depend on the relationship. My mum is much loved and was invaluable whereas my MIL is generally disinterested and out for herself so she has never entered the equation.

It's all dependant on the relationships. Nothing more.

Your friend is just following common sense. A month is a very short time, it will fly by.

@Quiterightly to the mother it will fly by. But to her MIL it will feel like a year.

I really don't understand. There are SO many posts on here about MILs not being as involved with their grandchildren. But it seems as though new mums are being encouraged to actually set them up to fail.

Who do you think is going to end up most bonded to and involved with their grandchild? The one who can pop by every day for that month, or the one who's being kept away and won't even see the baby until it's a month old?

And in a few years' time OP will be posting to say how MIL doesn't do enough/does more childcare for her other grandkids etc etc etc.

Everytime someone points out the natural antipathy to MILs when it comes to new babies, people rush on to say "well my MIL's a bitch/narc..." But that's not the point. Most MILs aren't, but they're still sidelined or expected to be grateful for 10% of the involvement that a maternal grandparent gets.

For the record, I'm the mother of daughters, and very grateful for that when I read these threads. And I'm very glad that my daughter treats her baby's paternal grandmother with the same consideration that she treats me.

saraclara

I agree. I think the sentiments expressed on here also show how many people also view the dad as a lesser parent. Then they complain when he isn't as involved in parenting. Can people not see the connection here? Some posters have said that dad shouldn't be at the birth, in favour of the maternal grandmother being there, that if the new mum wants it then her mother should care for her after birth, helping with the baby and so on - where does that leave dad then? Excluded from being a parent because grandma has taken over?

Yep. At risk of sounding like an old bat, you really do reap what you sow in those early weeks. If the father isn't involved with babycare from day 1, they're not going to gain the skills and confidence they need to stay involved in their care. The more days of competence that the mother gains, the wider the gap, and the more the father stands back.

And when there are TWO women taking over, and TWO women whose skills make him feel incompetent, good luck in getting him to take up his share of the work when Grandma is gone. Because he'll feel useless.

Agreed. And he also.wont bond with the baby because by the time he gets a look in mum will be more confident. So he'll be trying to figure out how to change a nappy, dress baby, bath them or soothe them while they're crying and, as would have happened to the mum, he won't be that great to begin with so it will be too easy for mum to step in and take over only exacerbating the situation.

Couldn't agree less than men need to specifically build confidence in the first days or they'll never catch up. That's infantilising and proving an excuse for men who may have never 'stepped up' regardless of extra help.

After a traumatic birth and trouble breastfeeding my mum was a great extra pair of hands. When she left, my husband absolutely did everything that was needed of him. He never needed any excuse. The baby naturally calmed at my breast and my mum had great extensive experience, so arguably we felt more confident from day one. However the moment my mum left be did everything she was doing and everything I wasn't able to do. If I needed to cluster feed all evening he cleaned the whole house, prepared food and washed the clothes.

An extra pair of hands in the early days is a wonderful bonus, but if you think those hands will long term harm your partners 'confidence' you should be concerned.

heartbrokenfool

But that's your husband's baby, not your mum's. Fine I guess if you want her to look after you but why does she get to oust the baby's dad?

And you don't think it's infantalising women to suggest that they need their mum to look after them?