Mothers - who’s is more important?

[MrsRose2018]

Is the first time mothers “right” or “need” to see their mother/have them around post birth more important than the first time fathers?

No MN rage please, I’m not saying I believe this is true, This is just the conversation me and my husband have been having and I’m curious of your thoughts?

I resent the ‘you wait till you have a son’ line. There’s no way on earth I would behave like my MIL. For starters, I don’t feel a sense of entitlement to someone else’s child, offer parenting advice to strangers on a bus and I don’t turn into a maniac around babies.

Interestingly my MIL never made any effort with her in-laws. Found them culturally ‘cold’ (they’re English and she isn’t). FIL jokes that they are the ‘evil’ side of the family from MIL’s perspective. She cried for days when she had her third son and knew she wouldn’t have a daughter. She then spent years working on DH saying how it’s important GPs are equal, how hurt she would be if she didn’t see GC as much etc etc. I really don’t think people who have only dealt with a reasonable MIL understand how screwy some people can be.

So please don’t suggest that everyone who has a MIL ‘problem’ will themselves be a terrible MIL. If anything, I’ve learnt from her how NOT to be.

Good point @spoons.

I had an absolutely lovely MIL in my first marriage. She was wonderful. I know lots of people who get on with their mothers-in-law.

But it isn't always possible, and sometimes, you can get on with someone just fine, and still feel you're not really up to hosting them in your home.

I don’t make my daughters’ lives and relationships all about me, and I wouldn’t do that in the case of sons either.

[quote SarahAndQuack]@Sertchgi123, having sons doesn't magically make you selfish.[/quote]
Did I say it did?

I have sons. I still think I would be less likely to be picked to stay at their houses when they have babies.

It depends.

In my case both sets of parents 4 hrs drive away and our house was too small for guests to stay. So fleeting visits by both.

I was closer to my mum just cos she's my mum but know if I asked anything of my MIL she'd be there and we have a good relationship. Best thing about PIL visit was they made it clear to DP in no uncertain terms his job was to look after me they were useful in unobvious ways as he was processing it all too.

Everyone has different needs but mum and child trump everyone else - can't help it if we're awesome and able to give birth can we

@SaraClara fair does not mean equal. If a grandparent refuses to have a relationship with their grandchild because they weren't first to meet the baby or had to wait to meet the child then they have absolutely no business being around the baby permamently. That is some petty, toddler tantrum bullshit. You are already busy with a real.child. No need to have to deal with a giant size toddler.

I do find this need to have your mum around to look after you a bit strange.

If my husband had an operation I would welcome his my into our home to look after him. That would be weird wouldn't it, so why is it different after having a baby?

I have a son - if he delayed my seeing his child until they were nearly 2 months old but was always letting his mil pop round I would be devastated.

Did I say it did?

Yes. You said some people who now think they'd be considerate to a new mother would change their minds if they had sons (and came to be in the MIL's position).

Whatever you think of the rights and wrongs here, you are implying that it's purely self interest that would motivate them to change their minds. That is selfish. I don't see what that has to do with having sons.

I do find this need to have your mum around to look after you a bit strange.

I think it's also a bit sexist in that a man who wanted his mum when he was ill or who spoke to her every day on the phone would be considered a pathetic mummy's boy on here but it seems to be quite normal for a lot of women

Some of you clearly didn't have very nice mothers.

My husband and I are both really close to our mums. He actually did have surgery a few years ago and she came to be with him afterwards. Why would I have objected to that?

Some of you clearly didn't have very nice mothers.

I don't know if you mean to, but you sound as if you're smug about a matter of luck.

Yes, some people really don't have nice mothers. And it's horrible. But it is also a reality.

My DP's mother is a nasty, emotionally abusive woman. My dad is an abusive man. We are both perfectly well aware we drew the short straw.

If you're close to your mother, and your husband is close to his, of course that is lovely. And of course, if either of you had surgery, you'd hope they'd come to look after you.

But your own parent, whom you like, coming to look after you after surgery is very different from your MIL insisting she should come to see you after the birth of a baby.

My husband and I are both really close to our mums. He actually did have surgery a few years ago and she came to be with him afterwards. Why would I have objected to that?

We’re you at home full time at the time too? If so I do think that’s odd - obviously if you were at work then depending on what surgery he had it wouldn’t be objectionable by any means. But fathers get 2 weeks paternity leave to support their partners and bond with their child. I don’t think ‘being close’ means having to care for you like a poorly child when you’re a full grown adult with a partner who’s been given specific time off to support you. Surely a good time for mums to come and support would be when the fathers go back to work, not immediately after the birth.

@IrelandsIndustry yes unfortunately some people did not have a nice childhood and do not have lovely Mothers. Lucky you, though.

We’re you at home full time at the time too

I work part time, but he didn't particularly need help, she just wanted to see him and I can't see why I'd have objected to that.

My mum was at the birth of our son with my husband because I wanted her then. I was totally happy for my MIL to come directly after too, but she waited 2 weeks. That was her choice, not mine. I'd have been pleased to see her earlier.

I don't know if you mean to, but you sound as if you're smug about a matter of luck.Yes, some people really don't have nice mothers. And it's horrible. But it is also a reality.

You've missed my point. I'm perfectly aware some people have awful mothers. I was responding to people saying that adults who still need their mothers when they're going through a hard time are weird. They aren't weird. Maybe they just have better relationships with their mothers.

And my mum helped me with breastfeeding. I come from a culture where it is normal for older women to rally round younger women after they give birth and help with such things. My husband was brilliant and had ample bonding time with our baby.

I think the question here is about whether in/following the birth the woman who has physically gone through it should be prioritised over the man/partner who has watched.

Having given birth recently I would say YES I should have whoever I need in the immediate aftermath to help me recover physically and emotionally from my body going through a huge trauma.

But then I come a culture where extended family is massively important and I find the attitude in general to extended family on mn completely bizarre to be honest.

@IrelandsIndustry...My Mil tried to help me breastfeed and grabbed my boob. Her hand got smacked.and she was asked to leave. I didn't lay eyes on her for 3 years and then apologized for.sexually assaulting.me

You've missed my point. I'm perfectly aware some people have awful mothers. I was responding to people saying that adults who still need their mothers when they're going through a hard time are weird. They aren't weird. Maybe they just have better relationships with their mothers.

I'm sorry - I didn't follow that and you're absolutely right.

I don't think there's anything wrong with needing your mum (or your MIL, or whoever) as an adult.

Leaannb

I'm sorry that happened to you but I don't see how that is relevant to my post.

If a grandparent refuses to have a relationship with their grandchild because they weren't first to meet the baby or had to wait to meet the child then they have absolutely no business being around the baby permamently

@LeanneB, where did that come from? It certainly has nothing to do with what I said, or as far as I'm aware, anything anyone else has said. No-one has talked about a grandparent refusing to have anything to do with a grandchild. There've only been references to past posts where people have moaned because a GM has had more to do with a daughter's grandchild than the sons. And I said I could see how this might happen if a DIL favours her mother from day 1.

We just said we weren't having house guests for 3 weeks. My parents were only 2hrs away and visited the hospital on day 1. I deliberately stayed in an extra night which would allow mil to come up, visit and be gone by the time we came out. She didn't.
My parents then found accommodation locally and spent office hours here once dh went back to school.
The company was lovely but it was hard work because DM was quite ill and they both needed looking after, catering etc. Dad got bored and tried to do DIY resulting me having to go shopping to buy bits to fix his destruction.

Mil waited until she could stay. There were tears and much distress from mil when we said we were not having house guests in the first 3 weeks though.

Not sure there is a right solution.